dormancy
WHAT IS YOUR STATE OF LIFE?
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Thursday, April 24, 2003
Interesting...
Here I always thought that Pai was someone who I could speak my mind out to... Someone I could tell my secrets and never regret having told another soul my deepest shame... Now I think that I made a mistake, because it seems that it appears that I never really knew her very, very well. I only thought I did, hence my effective role right now as her "best friend" is that of chief advisor, and source of second opinion.
In other words, I feel like the only reason that she considers me a best friend, is because my words "seem" to make sense.
Why do I feel this way? Because she is the only other person in the world to know the entire thing about Candice (aside from myself and Claudia, because I told her everything about that time) -- something that I won't be telling anyone else anytime soon because its a guilty secret -- and yet she refuses to put her trust in me.
Me, the person that she calls her "best friend", her "moo". I don't have her complete trust.
To me, that's just the same as calling me untrustworthy. I mean, I can probably understand that she and Adnan could keep secrets because they have a relationship (however weird it is). I could understand that she could and Hubert could keep things because he's been a much better friend than I've been. I could understand that she could talk about sensitive stuff with Wigs because he's her
first boyfriend that lasted nearly 3 years.
But I'm still her best friend. I expect that there are things that only she and I know, which she couldn't tell other people. I expect that she puts her trust in me, that she could tell me anything without flinching, without worrying. Instead, I find out that she can't put her complete trust in me. I find out that there are things she told Jamie and/or Nich which I don't even think she told me before. I find out that she's having second thoughts whether she could tell me everything or not.
I think that I may have misjudged her in turning her into my best friend. Because, simply put, I feel like she treats me as a "best friend" so she could just speak her problems and forget about them for a while.
I'm just her best friend, because I could always try to explain the motivations of people who piss her off.
Frankly, I'm very disappointed in her, and probaby more than her, I'm disappointed in myself. Because she doesn't seem to understand me, to know how I think, because I feel like I'm just being used. And because I'm so stupid to have overlooked the simple fact that I don't know her very well.
Also, I finally seem to understand how Lassie treats me as a person. I can understand what she means by being less than a friend but more than an acquaintance.
Because right now, I can feel that very same atmosphere whenever I try to mingle with Grace, Lana, Sweet, and Jamie. Its as if they accept my presence, just so that there are more people. But everytime I open my mouth, the reactions that I receive from them feel like "Just shut your mouth and keep quiet. You don't know a thing. Sit down and be a good dog."
Instead of feeling like their good friends, I tend to feel that I have to pass a test so that they can treat me as their "indisposable" friend.
I feel so pathetic now.
Here I always thought that Pai was someone who I could speak my mind out to... Someone I could tell my secrets and never regret having told another soul my deepest shame... Now I think that I made a mistake, because it seems that it appears that I never really knew her very, very well. I only thought I did, hence my effective role right now as her "best friend" is that of chief advisor, and source of second opinion.
In other words, I feel like the only reason that she considers me a best friend, is because my words "seem" to make sense.
Why do I feel this way? Because she is the only other person in the world to know the entire thing about Candice (aside from myself and Claudia, because I told her everything about that time) -- something that I won't be telling anyone else anytime soon because its a guilty secret -- and yet she refuses to put her trust in me.
Me, the person that she calls her "best friend", her "moo". I don't have her complete trust.
To me, that's just the same as calling me untrustworthy. I mean, I can probably understand that she and Adnan could keep secrets because they have a relationship (however weird it is). I could understand that she could and Hubert could keep things because he's been a much better friend than I've been. I could understand that she could talk about sensitive stuff with Wigs because he's her
first boyfriend that lasted nearly 3 years.
But I'm still her best friend. I expect that there are things that only she and I know, which she couldn't tell other people. I expect that she puts her trust in me, that she could tell me anything without flinching, without worrying. Instead, I find out that she can't put her complete trust in me. I find out that there are things she told Jamie and/or Nich which I don't even think she told me before. I find out that she's having second thoughts whether she could tell me everything or not.
I think that I may have misjudged her in turning her into my best friend. Because, simply put, I feel like she treats me as a "best friend" so she could just speak her problems and forget about them for a while.
I'm just her best friend, because I could always try to explain the motivations of people who piss her off.
Frankly, I'm very disappointed in her, and probaby more than her, I'm disappointed in myself. Because she doesn't seem to understand me, to know how I think, because I feel like I'm just being used. And because I'm so stupid to have overlooked the simple fact that I don't know her very well.
Also, I finally seem to understand how Lassie treats me as a person. I can understand what she means by being less than a friend but more than an acquaintance.
Because right now, I can feel that very same atmosphere whenever I try to mingle with Grace, Lana, Sweet, and Jamie. Its as if they accept my presence, just so that there are more people. But everytime I open my mouth, the reactions that I receive from them feel like "Just shut your mouth and keep quiet. You don't know a thing. Sit down and be a good dog."
Instead of feeling like their good friends, I tend to feel that I have to pass a test so that they can treat me as their "indisposable" friend.
I feel so pathetic now.
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
You are Pyrokinetic!
What's Your Magic Power?
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and last night, I got:
You Have the Power to Turn Things to Stone!
What's Your Magic Power?
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I know I promised myself that I would refrain from thinking too much about Candy and Jamie, but I realized that I have almost nothing to think of that has any content at all (I have no plans of spending all my time thinking of nothing but computer games, based on personal experience, it erodes the mind, leaving nothing productive to work on...)
I'm trying to relax here. This is a time that I wish there was something interesting to read at home, so that I wouldn't have to spend all my time playing with the PS2, at this point, I'd even read my school textbooks if only they weren't so damned technical. Perhaps given a few more days, I'd relax and learn to forget about thinking about them (Tough luck, though. I tried doing that several years ago. Ended up thinking a liitle too much of Janneth or Lassie).
Woke up late again... or in other words, didn't make it to school on time again. I figured, since I'm already late, I might as well not attend my class and pick up some school documents, after all, said documents were left in the school office yesterday afternoon so that they can be processed. Should've guessed that I wouldn't get the documents this early in the morning (shouldn't have believed in the first place that I could get the documents the next day first thing in the morning, that would have given me a real reason to wake myself up early to attend my class instead of skipping it...) So instead of going back to class, where I was already a good 45 minutes late (extra time I spent in the school registrar's office), I might as well go look for something interesting to do.
I ought to buy myself a good book or five, one of these days. So that if I ever need to do something interesting, I could just pick up the books from a table and start reading. That beats playing the computer because I can bring the books anywhere, unlike the PS2, which needs a TV to plug into.
Just asked Adnan last night what they talk about with Jamie, in the hope that I would get anything that would give me enough reason to go after her. I ended up realizing that I was just deluding myself, because all they talk about are their own lives -- how Jamie is coping with Elbert, and how Adnan is dealing with Pai. I'm not even in the background of their conversation. Well, at least that motivated me to forget about her and Candy in the meantime. At the very least, I managed to play Dynasty Warriors 4 long enough last night, without having to think about anyone in particular (okay, does thinking about the best way to beat Lu Bu count?).
I really wish that Pai and Adnan manage to patch up their problems (although they insist on not calling their recent woes problems. If they aren't problems, I don't know what to call them, because "misunderstandings" just doesn't cut it). At least, they wouldn't be too bothered with the direction that their relationship is taking. And I hope Jamie finally gets to decide whether she really can't let go of Elbert or not. At least she won't be so confused with what she's going to do with herself.
On a side note, Jamie's recent cough problems have forced her to stay away from nicotine for a time. This is good news. Hopefully, she can stay away from it for good.
I'm trying to relax here. This is a time that I wish there was something interesting to read at home, so that I wouldn't have to spend all my time playing with the PS2, at this point, I'd even read my school textbooks if only they weren't so damned technical. Perhaps given a few more days, I'd relax and learn to forget about thinking about them (Tough luck, though. I tried doing that several years ago. Ended up thinking a liitle too much of Janneth or Lassie).
Woke up late again... or in other words, didn't make it to school on time again. I figured, since I'm already late, I might as well not attend my class and pick up some school documents, after all, said documents were left in the school office yesterday afternoon so that they can be processed. Should've guessed that I wouldn't get the documents this early in the morning (shouldn't have believed in the first place that I could get the documents the next day first thing in the morning, that would have given me a real reason to wake myself up early to attend my class instead of skipping it...) So instead of going back to class, where I was already a good 45 minutes late (extra time I spent in the school registrar's office), I might as well go look for something interesting to do.
I ought to buy myself a good book or five, one of these days. So that if I ever need to do something interesting, I could just pick up the books from a table and start reading. That beats playing the computer because I can bring the books anywhere, unlike the PS2, which needs a TV to plug into.
Just asked Adnan last night what they talk about with Jamie, in the hope that I would get anything that would give me enough reason to go after her. I ended up realizing that I was just deluding myself, because all they talk about are their own lives -- how Jamie is coping with Elbert, and how Adnan is dealing with Pai. I'm not even in the background of their conversation. Well, at least that motivated me to forget about her and Candy in the meantime. At the very least, I managed to play Dynasty Warriors 4 long enough last night, without having to think about anyone in particular (okay, does thinking about the best way to beat Lu Bu count?).
I really wish that Pai and Adnan manage to patch up their problems (although they insist on not calling their recent woes problems. If they aren't problems, I don't know what to call them, because "misunderstandings" just doesn't cut it). At least, they wouldn't be too bothered with the direction that their relationship is taking. And I hope Jamie finally gets to decide whether she really can't let go of Elbert or not. At least she won't be so confused with what she's going to do with herself.
On a side note, Jamie's recent cough problems have forced her to stay away from nicotine for a time. This is good news. Hopefully, she can stay away from it for good.
Could finally find the time to write again. Although I'd have to do so quickly so that I wouldn't have to spend too much...
I just noticed that I seemed to have put down a little too much detail on events that happened over a week (and as usual, I couldn't believe that I was the person that wrote all of it down...) I needed a lot of time to have done that, the next time I do that would have to be similarly important... At least this time, its complete -- unlike the last time, where Blogger cut it to 2/3 of its actual length...
Finally found Candice's (Candy's) blog. And right now, I really think that I'm very confused on what she really wants... I was only mentioned once -- and almost nearly in passing (where she just went drinking with me), for now, I think it was to keep private things to herself (no sense in telling everyone everything...). I mean, I hope that's the reason...
Besides, I'm scared stiff of the responsibilities that I have to shoulder if I were to go for it. I'm not really sure that I could handle things right now. I still have to take care of my feelings for Jamie and Lassie (Pai seems to be out of the picture right now, good) as well as the hanging argument with Dulce. I just wish I knew what she's thinking, that way, at least I could have enough confidence to proceed or back out. I'm stuck in the middle at this moment, wanting both to proceed and to retreat. Just give me a more concrete evidence and I'll be really happy... not something that is alcohol-induced. At least something that would definitely confirm things...
That's it for the meantime. I still have summer classes to attend to. And things to think about and resolve...
As a side note, I suddenly realized a few nights ago that Lassie seems to be an important person in my life. I mean, whatever I do, whatever I think about, she just suddenly pops out in my mind for no good reason -- as if everything in my life has "corrupted" by her influence (I could recall such a thing happened with Janneth, but then nowhere near as intense as Lassie's influenct right now). I hope I get to outgrow this feeling. I don't want the rest of my life to be heavily touched by her if she doesn't even give a damn about me...
And another thought -- I'm not sure if I should like this, but Jamie seems to be overshadowing my thoughts of Candy. Right now, I think I should let events happen first and rate them again later, before I give myself a headache thinking about handling everything at the same time...
I just noticed that I seemed to have put down a little too much detail on events that happened over a week (and as usual, I couldn't believe that I was the person that wrote all of it down...) I needed a lot of time to have done that, the next time I do that would have to be similarly important... At least this time, its complete -- unlike the last time, where Blogger cut it to 2/3 of its actual length...
Finally found Candice's (Candy's) blog. And right now, I really think that I'm very confused on what she really wants... I was only mentioned once -- and almost nearly in passing (where she just went drinking with me), for now, I think it was to keep private things to herself (no sense in telling everyone everything...). I mean, I hope that's the reason...
Besides, I'm scared stiff of the responsibilities that I have to shoulder if I were to go for it. I'm not really sure that I could handle things right now. I still have to take care of my feelings for Jamie and Lassie (Pai seems to be out of the picture right now, good) as well as the hanging argument with Dulce. I just wish I knew what she's thinking, that way, at least I could have enough confidence to proceed or back out. I'm stuck in the middle at this moment, wanting both to proceed and to retreat. Just give me a more concrete evidence and I'll be really happy... not something that is alcohol-induced. At least something that would definitely confirm things...
That's it for the meantime. I still have summer classes to attend to. And things to think about and resolve...
As a side note, I suddenly realized a few nights ago that Lassie seems to be an important person in my life. I mean, whatever I do, whatever I think about, she just suddenly pops out in my mind for no good reason -- as if everything in my life has "corrupted" by her influence (I could recall such a thing happened with Janneth, but then nowhere near as intense as Lassie's influenct right now). I hope I get to outgrow this feeling. I don't want the rest of my life to be heavily touched by her if she doesn't even give a damn about me...
And another thought -- I'm not sure if I should like this, but Jamie seems to be overshadowing my thoughts of Candy. Right now, I think I should let events happen first and rate them again later, before I give myself a headache thinking about handling everything at the same time...