So what else should be included in this new leaf? Aside from the fact that I know I'm not going to be updating this book any more frequent than I have over the past few years... All that's been occupying my brain right now is the power of faith.

Faith... Its so strange that since I played a cleric character in DnD, I've never played any other class. Well, let's see... The classes I've played are the monk, the paladin, and the cleric. I've played samurai, but only because I've been averse from playing shugenja, who I thought were nothing more than spell-slinging characters -- something that I've never been comfortable playing because it wasn't my style. These days, I want to try out a shugenja. And for that matter, almost every character class that has some sort of connection to the divine. I can't explain why, but maybe its because I want to explore the meaning of faith.

They say faith can feed a man. In a sense, its true. But the person does not gain physical sustenance from faith, rather, he gains a more spiritual type of satisfaction from it. He can still feel his stomach calling out to him, asking him to fill up that empty sack of acid to get some nourishment to keep the body functioning, but with a little faith, that person can ignore that call, and know that he can still accomplish something important.

As I said, I know, because I'm slowly getting reacquainted with my faith.

If this were a game, there should be a new set of attributes at the top of my character sheet called spirit, and there you'd find faith, willpower, and something... I don't think I understand that third one yet...

And what does faith do? It keeps you calm enough to continue functioning, long enough that you would not lash out at the world for things that are happening to you but are "not your fault".

Yes, there are irrational things that happen in the world. There are injustices, there are all sorts of things that you would rather not imagine, much less experience first hand. But if you have faith, you know that these things happen for a reason. The reason may be beyond your understanding, but you know that things will also turn out for the better... You know that you can leave your worries behind you and push on, confident that things may not work out the way you want them to, but still, they'd work out ok in the end.

Does this mean that we should all just give up and wait for things to happen? Not at all. We should still do our best, make sure that we give it our all, but when we find that we have nothing more to give, and that there's nothing more we can affect, then we should learn to have faith, that even though human strength has a limit, supernatural strength pushes on...

At least, that's what I've learned in the past few years.

Pain comes, and is replaced by joy. Then pain comes again...

But it never ends with pain. Joy always comes in... Its just a matter of carrying on, of pushing onwards until that time comes...

That was so abstract...

A lot can happen in the course of 3 weeks... Apparently, I had last wrote something 3 weeks ago, and back then, I was still "happy" to say the least...

3 weeks later... Now...

Its so strange, a lot has happened... I've seen the problems in my life, my family, the past has caught up to us... And I can see my plans for the future suddenly turning hazy and unclear. As if there were no certainty that I'll be able to do what I intend to do.

I've managed to get through most of the pains by now... I've learned the meaning of faith after years of agnosticism. I guess its great that despite the fact that I've been agnostic for as long as I can remember, I've never forgotten how to call on God. I guess it was never really important to me that I didn't know who I was calling to. It was never important to me that there were schisms between worldwide religions. In a sense, everyone knows who God is. The face and the words that they attribute to Him are the only ones that change.

And because I've called on God, I've managed to find my faith again. I can now see the importance of faith in people's lives. Perhaps not yet completely, but I can appreciate it now. And I can now ask people to have faith as well.

I'm gushing right now about faith and God. Perhaps its only rightfully so, because I called on God's help to get us through several problems... Financial problems mostly. I'm glad that the weight has been taken off my shoulders... Unfortunately, they've been passed to someone else who might not be able to take the burden...

Then there's the fact that I'm now officially a bum again... Because Canon didn't like my work with them. In a sense, I think that all of my officemates are right, it might have been a blessing in disguise that I got booted out of the company. I've mentioned before to Santino that if God wants me out of the company, he can make his signs more... obvious.

Well, I don't think it gets any more obvious than getting fired. Hehe.

So now, I have the time to make some small updates again. I don't think I'll be doing a lot of those endless monologues that filled this book up before... I've realized just how shallow those previous problems were... And how detrimental their effects have on me.

I guess, I'll be filling up this book this time with more, optimistic writings. I don't know how exactly, but I think the clouds have parted from my mind... And despite the fact that I still have problems, I can now look at life in a new light.

Its been so long since I opened up this way. I miss writing. I feel like something important's coming back to me because of this. And in the same way, I feel like something new's come over me. As if the bitter person that dominated most of this book has turned over a new leaf...

Just like this new page in the book.

I've been thinking of changing the name of the book. But I think I'll keep the name... It should stay there to remind myself how I used to be so bitter, but now, something's changed...