You represent... naivete.
So innocent and trusting... you can be very shy at
times, but it's only because you're not sure
how to act. You give off that "I need to
be protected vibe." Remember that not all
people are good. Being too trusting will get
you easily hurt.


What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

Today, or more accurately, four hours after I start this article, Grace and Co. would go jogging to get rid of some lipid deposits... As usual, I wasn't even invited (although technically they invited a lot of people by telling the mailing list of their plans) neither was I even informed about their plans...

So do they still consider me to be their friend? Or do they see me as just another guy?

I would have to guess that its the latter. I wasn't part of their clique in the first place, I'm not going to be part of it anytime soon... as I mentioned before. It looks like even Jamie and Sweet are starting to detest my company. I don't recall doing anything that might have resulted in that though...

Sometimes I feel like they're the "elitist" group -- the group to follow, the examples to look up to, the only ones who can crack jokes that people can laugh at... Sometimes I feel like they're so far and away that reaching them is almost impossible, despite the apparent ease of entering their group. It could be just me though -- that I might be the one who doesn't know how to keep friends.

Its funny how I think of them as my "so-called" friends too -- similar to how Lassie looks at them. Sometimes, when I think about it, all they have to do is try to understand Lassie. It can't be that hard to listen to a crazy girl, could it? But when I think of why Jamie is that angry at her -- sometimes I think they do have a right to do that to her.

Except for Grace though... She's supposed to be Lassie's friend. I can't see why she'd grow tired of her... Unless Lassie threw her out of her life first -- I'd understand that. Pai seems to have done that to me, as well as Dulce. But I don't think that crazy girl would do that -- Lassie depends far too much on Grace to dare throw Grace out of her life. I think its Grace's fault... could she just throw away a person who depends on her that easily? I wonder what she'd do if Jamie and Lana suddenly lose their usefulness to her...

Yes, I admit that Lassie is slowly endearing herself to me again. But I'd be stupid if I allow myself to go further than that again... I never would have any chance with Lassie. I take pity on her that her friends abandoned her, because she has no one to turn to. I wouldn't want something like that to happen to me... I just can't help but reach out to her, despite the fact that she never knew how to treat those who did care for her.

Maybe I believe that the two of us are so similar -- even if she doesn't think that way. How unfortunate.

When I try to focus my attentions on Jamie though, I feel like she's just using me. As if she talks to me when she needs to read comics or something. I'm never the first person on her list to ask for help -- unless she needs a phone call. I don't know, does this have something to do with the difference in our race?

I always believed that the racial problem was non-existent here. Apparently, after four years, some people can't accept the fact that some Chinese children do not take themselves as Chinese. No matter what they say, their words and their actions still reflect the fact that they don't trust people "who aren't like them". I shudder to think what would happen to my own children in the future -- they'd still be ostracized for being Chinese. And they can't do a thing about it, because their father is Chinese.

How pathetic. I thought that being in this school would be the best thing that would happen to my life. Now I think that I made a wrong choice...

I've been reprimanded for "freaking out" after knowing how fast Jamie went through her pack of cigarettes. I gave it to her willingly, do I have any stake in how she used it? Now that I think about it, its almost the same case with how I reacted to Dulce's tikoy...

Why would I care how Jamie used the cigarettes that I gave her? Why would I care how Dulce ate her tikoy?

On my part, I believe that its reverse psychology -- I'd want them to change by doing something unusual.

On their part, its their life -- I have no say in how they live their life.

I'd like to say that I was just surprised at how quickly she smoked every stick, but it appears that it doesn't make sense to them. I can't tell Jamie "I care because I don't want you to burn out your lungs!" I can't tell Dulce "Of course I have a stake, because you're not taking into account the effort that Terence and her mom expended to give you that tikoy!". I can't tell them that I care for them because chances are: they'd stay away from me. They'd think that I have affections for them or something, and they just can't have Frost "loving" them or something.

"Whoever it is that Frost loves is unlucky -- because Frost loves them!" I can't see the logic in that argument. Is there something about me that drives people away? I just wonder what's with me...

It would appear that giving cigarettes as a form of reverse psychology just doesn't work.

If what Jamie said is true, then she's already used up her pack of Gudang. A testament of how "addicted" she is to smoking. Pai probably didn't understand why I gave her a pack of cigarettes too, probably mistaking it as a gift from me (I did ask the for the two packs of cigarettes to be wrapped up...). I tried asking her how many sticks she's used, and she refused to tell me. Not that I would stop her from smoking if she wanted to -- I just wanted to know how quickly she's going through the pack.

Listening to this year's theology class is actually interesting. Now that my teacher is not a priest, I don't hear any of the boring church dogma that he tried to drill into our heads. Not that his approach was ineffective, just that that style of teaching doesn't sit very well with me. Our new teacher manages to combine a good number of other material into the lectures -- sometimes even bringing a bit of philosophy into the fold. I feel like I'm more inspired to learn from this teacher, but then again, that could also be due to the fact that I've already taken the damned subject once.

I've been wondering, should I change myself or not? I know now that I have no hold over other people. That would be just the same as saying I control the movement of the oceans... The question then is, do I still seek the company of my so-called friends? Or would it be better to seek friends who accept me for who I am?

Or in more concrete terms -- do I go with Jamie and Co.? Or do I go with Yuso, Terence, and the rest of the gang? Both know me well enough that I can act naturally (what an irony -- acting "naturally") with them. However, to be fully accepted by the girls, I have to change myself into something that would be acceptable to them. Going with the guys would be far, far simpler -- all I have to do is spend more time with them.

There arises my problem -- I don't want to spend as much time with the boys as I'd like to with the girls. However, I feel like the girls never waste an opportunity to rub in my face the fact that they don't want my company. I'm trying to stay away from them recently, going with other people and refusing my natural tendency to go with Jamie... and it looks like Grace and Lana prefer that...

I actually fell asleep while writing this article. I don't remember doing anything that would make me this tired though...

And what do I get for buying two packs of cigarettes this morning?

Lost money, that's what!

Readers who've been to the journal probably know that I've lost my money some time this morning. I'm assuming that I've lost it sometime in the process of procuring the cigarettes and giving them to the recipients. It could just as easily have been lost some other time before lunch, but then again, I can't say for sure.

And so, instead of spending just 120, I lost ten times as much! Yes, this is the thanks I get for giving out cigarettes. I hope Fate is happy with me for "helping out" those in need. May the finder of my money have fun with it, although I'd prefer it to return to me. Otherwise... There's nothing I could do at this point, is there?

At least Lassie lent me some money that I could use for the rest of the week... Not that I'm planning to use it all up. On the contrary, I plan to avoid spending for the rest of the week, so that I wouldn't have a big debt to repay next week. If I could survive by skipping meals, then I'd do so. Otherwise, I'll see how I'll survive with just one serving of noodles for lunch.

I'm tempted to put a tag-board on this book too, just to see how many people would react to the things that I'm writing. But due to the nature of this book, I don't think it would be appropriate, nor would it have as many comments as I would like.

Misfortune, how cruel art thou...

Still adjusting to Blogger's "new" interface... Writing now looks a bit more professional, but reading previous articles for comparision is now a chore because its in another tab. The new blogger also has less templates for newbies, giving older people an advantage in the looks department. Programming literate people wouldn't find this a problem though (which reminds me that I have to find someone to help me organize the journal, or otherwise take care of the way the journal looks).

Bought two packs of cigarettes today. A pack of Gudang Garang for Jamie and a pack of Winston Lights for Pai. Jamie didn't understand the reason why I gave her the pack of cigarettes (its actually reverse psychology, hoping for her to stop when she thinks why would I give a pack of cigarettes) and took it as a gift. I guess there's no way to stop her from smoking anymore.

I don't know what Pai's reaction would be. And I'm not in any mood to speculate at this point. I'm trying to drill into my head that there's nothing I can do to stop people from doing what they want. Strange that I have to remind myself about it, when I always tell people to leave other people alone to what they want... Thanks to being neglected by the people that I want to care about... I've suffered this way before, trying to "help" Lassie live her life when I have no right to actually do so. So what if I loved her and wanted her to be "normal"? It still isn't my life and I have no right to ask her to be what I'd want her to be... Her life is hers to live, just like my life is my own to live.

I'm trying to see where my life would lead by this point... I'm sinking into depression again -- it seems like I've spent a large part of my adolescent life in that murky pit of darkness... I don't know if I have any angst in me, all I know is that I'm incredibly depressed about a lot of things -- family, friends, self -- and I can't seem to get out. Everything I'm trying to do to cheer myself up, to remind myself that I am caretaker and caregiver to others, to forget my problems -- they just can't drag me out of the pit of depression that I'm sunk in.

I should have realized that earlier -- burying things inside myself just wouldn't solve problems. But then, ignoring them would do nothind either. And the truth is, I'm too scared to try to solve my problems! What if my friends leave me? What if my family leaves me behind? What if I can't do anything worthwhile? What if I have no use in this world?

What if I let go of problems that I have no distinct solution for? What if I let go of concerns that I have no direct influence over? The only thing that I can control in this world is myself. There starts my influence, there rests my power. The more I seek to spread out and touch those out of my reach, the more my influence wavers. Yet, the more I strengthen myself, the more I can accomplish, the greater my personal power. I cannot care for others if I cannot care properly for myself! I cannot tell others how to live their lives when I myself have no life to live!

Heh. Fear?

Fear is for lesser beings! Let the worst come! I shall weather any storm that seeks to overwhelm me. No pain, no gain. No guts, no glory. If I am to lose everything, then so be it. But I will not kneel down and grovel. I will not beg for anything. I will hold my head up high, and face the challenges that greet me.

I am Frost! And I have regained my confidence, ironically, because of two packs of cigarettes.