How many times have I looked at this blank space in the past 4 months? Several times, I thought I had something important to write in here, but after a few minutes of careful deliberation, I decided to just bury myself in work instead of wading through self-pity-induced writing.

And in a sense, that was the right thing to do. The more I wallow in self-pity, the less productive, the less useful I become.

Besides, I tend to overthink when I go into my "woe is me" phase. What I intended to write down were a few realizations:

1) I'm afraid. This much I admit to myself. I'm afraid that the next girl I meet will turn out to be another Lassie. I'm more afraid of meeting another Lassie that will use up all my resources only to fall for someone else, than meeting another girl who will love me then leave me after several years. It's exactly the reason why I don't want to push myself towards Reigne, because all my senses are telling me she only wants me as a friend at most. I'm seeing another Lassie with Reigne and Tiffany. And that alone is enough to keep me cautious.

2) I'm not dense. I can feel Djesie likes me too much and knows I'm not going to reciprocate. I feel that she's too much like me -- too tied up with family concerns. too mad at the world... too "desperate" to see other possibilities. My time with Djesie showed me all the possibilities of why I was left behind. It may or may not be true, but you could see it...

3) I'm afraid of going forward with Ria, but then, only because I don't want to make Djesie sad. I know I have to cut off this weird "pseudo-relationship" with Djesie, or we both will go nowhere. But not now. Not so soon after my fault. I owe her that much. So at least give her time to adjust.