I'm doing a lot of thinking these past few days, about how I feel about Che replacing me with another guy, and what I feel about Ria to be so affected by that single action. Naturally, I was bothered with why my feelings are suddenly all topsy-turvy upon learning about Che and Kyle. As I mentioned before, Che going out with another guy is the best possible scenario. I am truly baffled about why I would suddenly consider breaking up with Ria again though, when I'm not even 100% sure to pursue Che even if I consider breaking up with Ria. Suddenly doing a 180 at this juncture is screaming multiple complications, not only to our relationship, but also towards Che's new relationship. There's not even a 100% guarantee that she'll pick me over Kyle.

I've been praying like a madman for the past few days though, and my prayers have been absolutely horrible. Well, between horrible and logical. I prayed for strength of character and integrity, to continue with the decision I made to go on with Ria. I prayed that I can forgive people who have hurt me over the years, Jenny and Che who did no wrong other than to fall for other people who are worth their salt. I prayed that I can forgive myself, and that I be punished for all the wrongs I did the women around me before: including Che, Djesie, Jenny, and Ria. And I find myself praying to follow the path God has laid out for me, wherever it may go. That it hopefully loops back toward forgiveness and reconciliation with Che, or I don't know. Something.

All I know is I'm being silly, inserting myself into someone else's life, thinking that I'm the best thing since sliced bread to have happened in someone's life, when really I was never any more than a coward who spoke more than what he did. I said I loved Che, but I didn't love her enough to do anything for her. Now here's a man who truly loves her, and puts his words into actions. And now I, what I should be doing, is moving on properly and setting things properly for Ria, and putting my words into actions for her.

The only thing that is stopping me, is this random thought of "is she the one?". A random what if question that I have also prayed to stop asking, but a very important one. However, it has to be taken into context that the reason I may be asking this, is because I'm reacting to how Che is enjoying Kyle's company, which is none of my business. Really, the only reason for me to consider that question, is to gauge if I'm happy in my current relationship with Ria.

Going back, when I decided to pursue Ria, I agreed to several "payments" to repair our relationship, as is fair. I agreed to stop gaming with the Scion group, and to stop meeting with Che. What happened was, I stopped meeting the Scion group and Che face to face, but I continued to meet them online for small chats and discussions. They are still friends, and I enjoy their company. All of this I did, discreetly of course, since I was serious in repairing relations with Ria.

So there should be no reason for me to feel so dejected once I learn that Che is meeting with Kyle. A fact that I can't seem to get over, emotionally. I think I'm reacting this way because now, no one will be speaking to me about the random small things that I find online. I have no one to discuss things with anymore, since she'll be more concerned with Kyle and his ideas. I shouldn't be affected this much though, considering all the hurt and the same things I did to Che in the past year. I ignored her, hid her, "played" with her emotions and everything. This is a clean break for both of us. A chance to move apart and grow again. This is Karma after all, and perhaps, that idea that I'm paying for my sins is looming too close to my heart. I should be okay with paying this much at least. I deserve it.

And yet, I can't shake the feeling that maybe breaking up with Ria will be for the best for me , which I believe to be insane and untrue. Considering all the efforts I made to keep that relationship steady again, because of Che seeing Kyle, I'll throw all that effort this year down the drain, that is just plain idiotic and insane.

At this point, I should really focus on improving myself and my relationship with Ria, and let time heal all our wounds. Whatever God has laid out for us, it has been enough for us to meet and realize things about each other. Choices have been made for the better of both people, complications need no longer come into the picture. Let things run their course, improve the relationship with Ria, let Che find happiness with Kyle, and let things go. That's the best solution.

I already know this, hopefully, I'll learn this emotionally soon and move on properly.

It is Christmas, and for the first time in years, I am unhappy.

I have learned recently that Che has been courted by a man, ten times better than I am and could give her more happiness than I can. Che has been seeing Kyle for the past few months, and after learning that I'm selfish as fuck, she's finally taking a serious step with Kyle. Logically, I understand that this is the best thing that can happen. It must happen for the better of all parties involved.

Emotionally, I find myself torn.

Che is now finally happy, and no longer needs to hide her relationship status, because here is a man that can give her the things that she deserves. Except that man is not me. And that man is doing a much better job of giving her milestones, than I ever can.

I feel emasculated, not only because the man has a bigger cock than I do, earns more than I do, has a better job than I do. But because he's giving her better memories than anything I ever gave her. Legitimate memories that Che can look back on with satisfaction. And all of that, perversely, tears me up inside even after distancing myself from Che, in order to focus on winning Ria back.

I came back to Ria, because I know I love her. I realized this when I realized that I can drop the entire Scion group so long as Ria was around. I can drop the entire Scion group, including Che, so long as Ria is around. And this is true, until the part I learned that Che is now seeing Kyle. I do not know why, but I just feel so torn about giving Che to Kyle, even though he is what she deserves.

I know I loved Che a lot. I wouldn't have just cheated, and let my dick do the thinking if I didn't. I know I feel more for Che than for Djesie, or the other girls who I paid to share my bed. But I know, that at the end of the day, I can drop Che for Ria. Perhaps its some sense of "what's right", or perhaps, as others said, I'm a coward who can't fight fair, or perhaps I'm selfish, and only truly love myself. Regardless, I came back to Ria. Because Ria was the right choice. Years from now, months from now, I will look back on this pitiful time of my life and realize I was being overly dramatic again, but one thing will remain true:

I considered being serious with Che. Because I had feelings for her.

Today is also the third straight day that I've been drinking. Not heavily, just enough to lull myself to sleep. I fear that I'm starting a downward spiral into alcoholism, or alcohol-dependence to stave off anxiety or depression. I pray that this is but a minor, dramatic glitch, until I can get my feelings back in check.

After all, I decided to drop Che in favor of Ria -- there should be no reason for me to feel jealous, envious, and emasculated when a better man comes in to give all the better things to Che. Things I could have given her, had I the courage. I just fear that this is Jenny, part 2, where a man came in, someone so much better than me, who was able to give Jenny all that she desired. A second emasculation, that I fear may push me toward psychological depression.

Today also marks the first year that my mom has survived a second bout with her Breast Cancer. After all her treatment this year, she is finally stable, except she is thinner than a reed, and her mind is no longer as sharp as it once was. I still love her though, despite all the memory gaps, and the bones. And I pray she has better health for a few years more.

I just don't know whether to pray for a better, stronger emotional center for myself and Ria, or to pray for the plot of Before Sunrise as a selfish prayer to myself, in case I can get another serious chance with Che. I know the correct answer is the first one -- a stable emotional center.

I just hate feeling torn like this.

I used to think of myself as absolutely incorruptible when it came to Love. That I'd be steadfast against temptation, that I will not compromise myself, that I'll be tougher than everyone around me and be fully dedicated to a single person in the whole world.

And these past few months have shown me how amazingly normal I am. How human I can be when faced with temptation.

It shames me to admit this, but I cheated on my girlfriend. I had an affair, all because I can't keep it in my pants. I can justify what I did, how my girlfriend is lacking in this or that aspect, how I saw someone who was able to provide what I was looking for, etc. But it does not change the fact that I cheated, and worse, I made it last for months, to the point that I even considered breaking up with Ria.

As with any relationship, the initial phase was hot and explosive, where everything is interesting and wonderful, where you ignore all signs that this is wrong. I will not deny it, the start was good, and I ignored signs of Che taking things a bit too far, being possessive, being jealous and hoping that things will progress beyond an affair. I was drunk on the feeling, and I ignored so many warning signs.

There were good points of course. Commonalities, sexuality, preference in porn and shows. But in hindsight, I believe a lot of the mutual appreciation came from this desire from Che to have as much common ground as possible with me, in order to replace Ria in my life. This pattern continued for quite a while, which I should have stopped from early on.

Sigh.

Well, long story short, as with all affairs, Ria found out via 3rd party messaging. Some anonymous good-hearted individual decided to let her know that I had an affair, AFTER I broke off the entire affair with Che. I have no idea what they wanted to achieve there. Things went to shit when I listened to other people's advice afterwards, that I should break up with Ria, in order to be fair to all parties involved. And that I should disclose that I still kept in contact and stuff. How other people think this will end well is beyond me, obviously these people are looking out for their own interest, and the well-being of their friend. What happens to me and to Ria is beyond their concern.

Am I romanticizing my affair, or justifying what I did and how its acceptable or normal? No. What I'm trying to do, is show to myself what kind of an ass I have been -- for cheating on a girlfriend who did no wrong, and for giving false hope to a girl. I am a despicable person, I accept that.

But that does not mean I should have no chance at happiness. At the end of everything, after even daring to break up with Ria -- I realized just how stupid I was for accepting that kind of suggestion. So here I am, trying my best to change for the better, and hopefully, I'm doing the right things now.