So over a month after losing my Angel, I've tried to get as many suggestions about what I should do next.

Obviously, there are people who want things to go back to the way they were before. Some of them want us to get back together, especially in light of the fact that we went through six years already. There are also those who suggest the best and most sensible course of action, which is to "move on and let her be". I cannot force her to love me back. It has to come naturally on her own.

I've been called pathetic because I sound like I'm whining and pining too much. Because I can't do the proper thing and move on and leave her be. They are not insensitive, but rather, they are growing tired of the fact that there's nothing else in my mind except for my Angel. And its really pathetic that a grown man like myself is unable to find another woman.

In defense of myself, its really hard, perhaps impossible to find another one like her. Someone that I can confide with, someone that I can laugh with, someone that I can be myself with, someone whose work I greatly respect, someone who can promise me forever... and actually make it come true...

I've been told to try to forget her. At the very least, she no longer thinks of me... So why should I spend all the time in the world being concerned for her, thinking of her welfare, when I am now nothing to her? Why should I take so much effort to ensure that she's comfortable and happy, when she couldn't care less about the same thing for me? Why should I care if her friends are being too hard on her, or if her friends are there for her, when she can't even give me the same thing?

Why should I care if she wants to stay friends with me, when it doesn't really seem to matter for her anymore? When she shies away from contact, when she cuts off conversation midway, when she doesn't respond to anything?

I can only say that its because I love her.

And she doesn't love me.

And because I love her and she doesn't love me, then I should just do the right thing. I should let her go. Let her be free. Let her do what she wants to do. Let her fly out and soar and go where she wants to be.

Let her realize her dreams on her own. Let her live her life the way SHE wants to do it.

And I, I should just pray for her. I should pray for myself. I should pray that I be able to get past through this hardship, and to bless her all her days, the way I prayed for her before. I should pray for the best for her, and the best for myself. I should learn to love myself again, in order to find myself. I should learn to rebuild my own dignity. There is no point in showing myself to be this pathetic in front of her. In the end, if I keep doing this to myself, its just going to be like Lassie and Janneth all over again. I'm just going to end up being a joke, like a fool.

There is no more point in forcing myself into her life. She threw me out on her own, for some reason. There is no point in forcing yourself onto someone that doesn't like you.

I've been thinking, what went wrong in our relationship, and I still can't say to this day. She says that she finally realized that she didn't love me anymore. That she's just been forcing herself to love me all this time.

I don't think that's true. I've been with my Angel for so long that I know she's not faking her emotions for the past 6 years. At the very least, I know that the first 5 years were true feelings, that she loved me. The past few months before we broke up, she still loved me. And if there's any culprit, its going to be her work stress.

Stress so bad that and so hard, that its all she ever thinks about. Stress so bad she thinks that the only people who can understand her are her friends. Stress so bad and compounded by my insecurity and persistence that she gets so annoyed at me, and finally releases over six years of frustrations, and thinks that she doesn't love me.

And now that she's rid of me, she feels... happy. Like she's been freed of a huge burden. Like I was a huge burden in her life that's been preventing her from... being happy I guess.

I don't know.

I think that the first step to winning her back is to let her realize that I'm willing to change if I'm the problem. That the problem is not with us, but is actually caused by her work stress. That I can adjust to let her feel less suffocated. That I can do everything, but only if she gives me the chance.

But if she doesn't give me the chance, then I can do nothing until she allows that.

I can only pray to God that He takes care of everything when my Angel and I meet. Its such a shame that our relationship crumbled like this. When we could have made it last as long as our lifetime.

The only thing I can do now is dream. Dream about what could have been with my Angel and I. Dream about what used to be. And cry, when I realize that its no longer true now. Perhaps I should patiently wait, until she comes back. But that's hoping too much.

I thought of talking to some of her friends. To her current best friend to see how she's doing. To see if she's been fine, or if she's been talking about me, thinking about me, missing me, regretting anything about me. But I've been convinced to stop this foolish idea -- that friend is not MY friend. She is her friend, meaning she will protect my Angel according to what she thinks is the best for my Angel. If she doesn't think that getting back together is the best, then too bad for me, I'll just have wasted my time.

Its been over a month now, and there's been no improvement on her side. She's still happy being single. She doesn't miss me in the slightest.

So...

So that's all. I can only Love and Pray. Love her, love myself, and Pray for the best. And Dream. Dream for what was, dream what is, and dream what could have been.

I've been spending more and more time in the office these days because I don't want to go home. Earlier this year, I was just spending more time in the office because I would fall asleep here, and just make sure that I went home early enough. That's no longer the case. I don't want to go home because I don't want to have too much idle time. The more idle time I have, the more I think of my Angel, and really, that's something I don't want to happen.

I read through the earlier entries in this book, and I was pretty much laughing at myself. I'm looking back and seeing just how petty my concerns were when I was still in college. Of course as years went on, my problems became more and more serious, that's expected. But still, that I was thinking of such trivial things when I was still in college just shows how young I was back then.

I also realized just how... shallow... losing my Angel was. Don't get me wrong, I'm not disregarding a 6-year relationship as something shallow. I'm just saying that I went through similar things before, when I was still in college. It sort of puts things into perspective. I still want to patch things up, but then, I think its best to let God help me out along the way.

I'm thinking, that the tantrum I'm throwing when she refuses to answer simple questions, are the same kinds of tantrums that I had when my old college friends didn't keep me in the loop. Sure it hurts, sure its annoying, but in the end, I can just get mad at things I have no control over. No amount of cajoling, or getting mad will resolve that kind of problem. Best to just take it like a man.

So now, I just spend most of my free time in the office, doing some after-shift work to keep myself busy. Or on the weekends, just sleep some more.

I really really want to say that I love my Angel. Because its true. But its only one-sided now. You can't repair a relationship alone. If she doesn't want to do anything, then you're stuck on your end doing nothing.

I'm now turning into Jamie when she lost Elbert. I need to move on.

I changed the layout for my book. That way, the layout will be less erratic. Unfortunately, it also means that I lost the old red and orange flame theme that I had here.

At least everything looks more organized. I don't intend to use the "followers" tab though, so I have to think of another way to remove that.

I lost my Angel.

At the end of 6 years, I don't know what happened. I just lost my Angel.

We were talking about so many things, we still greeted each other on our anniversary, we were planning so many things... and then it happened.

She just told me that she doesn't love me anymore. She says she just realized that "she's been fooling herself into thinking that she loved me, but that it wasn't true", so she doesn't love me anymore. Things just happened.

I couldn't accept it. I really couldn't. Because I can't understand -- how can someone that you love for so many years, just suddenly up and tell you that they don't love you anymore? Its so sudden! We didn't fight, we didn't argue. I made sure that whatever she did, I appreciated, or if she made me mad, I forgave her.

And then this happened.

I still find it completely incomprehensible. Even writing about it is impossible -- it all feels like a dream to me, despite the fact that I've been living this for the past month.

I. LOST. MY. ANGEL.

Even writing like that doesn't give me any kind of closure.

In fact, no matter what I do, I can't get my mind to wrap around that concept.

Its gotten so much that I've lost my appetite. I've lost my smile. I've lost all semblance of a happy life. Sure, I can laugh at things, at funny things, but always, at the back of my mind -- I'm thinking, I can't share this with my Angel anymore.

I've gotten some advice on this of course. Ironically, its the same advice I've given other people -- "Forget her", "Keep on living", "Stay Strong".

And of course, its just as difficult for me, as it was for all my other friends. Its nearly impossible for me to "forget her", and I'm doing all I can to "Stay strong". Six years of my adult life was wrapped around her. Six years of my adult life was spent making sure that everything for her was perfect.

Six years of my life I made to revolve around her.

Its not that easy to forget someone who was the center of your life for that long. My dad died last year, and there is not a single day that I do not mourn for him. That's 27 years of my life, 37 and 36 for my brothers, and probably around 39 for my mother. Time has made the loss a little bit more bearable, but it hurts nonetheless.

Thankfully, the people around me are aware of how difficult it is to lose a loved one. A lot of them have handled break ups enough times to provide advice, so none of them take what I'm going through lightly. They remind me "Its not easy. So you have to keep on going. Time will provide the final chapter, and its best not to have too much hope. Just keep praying. Just keep going. Just try to forget her."

And that's all I can do right now. Pray, and keep on going. Because I really don't know what else to do...

This is the biggest loss I've ever suffered. And for the first time, I don't know how to get back up from here.

I'm such a mess that even this entry is entirely messed up. It makes absolutely no sense, because I can't make heads or tails about my current situation. And I sound like I'm just repeating myself.

I should... think of something else first...

I thought of moving to another job. A higher-paying job than my current one. Something.. riskier on my part, since I'm not sure if I'm cut out for that job. And its apparently quite high-paying.

I'm not going out of the country. Yet. I'm thinking of moving to real estate. Selling houses or condos for people who can afford them. Pretty high-risk, and pretty high-reward I think. I'm just worried that I'll be late in paying for my loans and such.

I'll get more money, and hopefully, I'll be able to win back my Angel...

Or something like that. Assuming she wants to be won back by me.

Sigh...

I'm surprised that I'm not used to writing something without a title.

Unusual, since for the greater part of writing my writing, I haven't used any titles. I didn't need any titles years ago, all I needed was the date and time to remind me what I was thinking about. I must have thought that titles would just mess up my thought process, or otherwise ruin the "order" that I placed in my book.

Perhaps a year of serving as documentation specialist has placed a much more rigid order structure into my head. I actually felt that not having the title was very unusual for me. Unfortunately, serving as documentation specialist actually made my writing skills deteriorate.

At least, that's what I think. Since I can barely make any kind of creative writing going on in this thing. Its like I forgot how to write creatively, or that my creativity has leaked out from my body.

It's amazing. I didn't realize just how much I "missed" writing all these years. And every single time I look at an old entry, I'm surprised at it. Its like someone else came in and wrote all this stuff for me. That's what I feel every time I revisit an old document. Its like for some reason, I can't identify with the previous person who hunkered down in front of the keyboard to work.

I guess the stupid Britney songs blaring in the background aren't exactly helping me at all.. I'm distracted by the "remix" beat since it is making the song unidentifiable for me. Not to mention I feel like I'm in a techno club or something, and I may need a drink. Really, not conducive to writing.

On the other hand, if I place Gunther in the background, I'm worried what kind of stories I'll write in here. I find that for some reason, Gunther music in the background makes me more productive.

But really, the main reason I started writing is that I'm starting to feel a little sad again.

I.. am sad. In case that didn't sink in earlier. I'm sad. Maybe saying it out loud 4 or 5 times will help it sink in. I'm sad. I'm sad. I'm sad. I'm sad. I'm sad.

I'm sad because I'm being left behind again.

I'm sad because I need to pay off a lot of crap and I don't have enough money.

I'm sad because almost all my old classmates are doing well for themselves.

I'm sad because I can't do much for my family.

I'm sad because I can't get laid.

So yeah. I'm sad. I'm a sad little person with pathetic concerns. I should rise above these petty desires and aim for a worthwhile existence.

In other words, I should forget about money and focus on what's important.

Like, oh I don't know -- Food. Electricity. Communication. Water. Health. Family. Clothes, maybe. Love, probably.

Yeah, I should focus on what's essential, on what are the important things in the world. I need to figure out where we can get Electricity and Water. I need to make sure that my aging mother is healthy. I need to make sure that my family is healthy. I need to bring food to the table. I may need to look more presentable. I'll probably need to start saving up for my wife and eventual marriage and other expenses. Housing, etc.

Yeah. I should focus on those things and forget about money.

Who am I kidding?

I'm fricking sad because I have no frickin' money and have so many things to pay for. I'm frickin' sad because my friend is leaving for the other department, and I'm stuck here doing crap work again.

I'm freakin' sad because I'm the only one left in this position that has not been promoted. "Almost" doesn't count since... I'm still here, and everyone else is gone.

Honestly, documentations specialist is something special for the account. It helps keep things very organized. I get a lot of things as I work in this capacity. I should feel happy that I'm in this position!

Except its difficult to feel happy when I see that everyone else who has been in this position has been moved to other departments to perform much better. They've been promoted in other words. Including my junior member.

I've been offered a promotion over a month ago -- to a post where I will be earning significantly less. I turned it down, because I had things to pay.

A month later, I find out that my partner was accepted into the other department. I'm happy for her. It means she's progressing. I'm sad because I'm losing an effective co-worker, and will have to work from scratch training another individual all the while cursing myself why I never learned how to program properly.

So as you can see, I have a pathetic problem.

My wife will never blame me the way I blame myself. In fact, I should learn how to accept that I will probably not be credited for any kind of programming work. I should also probably take out all ideas of being promoted for programming work and focus on administrative tasks.

Should. I'm not sure if I can though. Nor if I SHOULD forget it all.

I don't want to dwell on this too much, because I will remember how my uncles and aunts want me to move to another kind of job. I don't want to remember how I get lectured every reunion that I should move to a better paying job, or move out of the country, or do this and that. I don't want to remember all those because they're all RIGHT.

And I don't want to remember how I was an idiot in school and probably didn't learn a thing about programming.

So you can see what I'm sad about. I'm sad because I can't earn enough money because I was stupid enough to be stupid in college.

I should probably take some offline lessons for programming instead of wasting my time writing crap like this down... But sometimes...


Writing like this calms me down somewhat. And helps me move on.

So Gx! Congratulations! May you have more success in your next work!