So over a month after losing my Angel, I've tried to get as many suggestions about what I should do next.

Obviously, there are people who want things to go back to the way they were before. Some of them want us to get back together, especially in light of the fact that we went through six years already. There are also those who suggest the best and most sensible course of action, which is to "move on and let her be". I cannot force her to love me back. It has to come naturally on her own.

I've been called pathetic because I sound like I'm whining and pining too much. Because I can't do the proper thing and move on and leave her be. They are not insensitive, but rather, they are growing tired of the fact that there's nothing else in my mind except for my Angel. And its really pathetic that a grown man like myself is unable to find another woman.

In defense of myself, its really hard, perhaps impossible to find another one like her. Someone that I can confide with, someone that I can laugh with, someone that I can be myself with, someone whose work I greatly respect, someone who can promise me forever... and actually make it come true...

I've been told to try to forget her. At the very least, she no longer thinks of me... So why should I spend all the time in the world being concerned for her, thinking of her welfare, when I am now nothing to her? Why should I take so much effort to ensure that she's comfortable and happy, when she couldn't care less about the same thing for me? Why should I care if her friends are being too hard on her, or if her friends are there for her, when she can't even give me the same thing?

Why should I care if she wants to stay friends with me, when it doesn't really seem to matter for her anymore? When she shies away from contact, when she cuts off conversation midway, when she doesn't respond to anything?

I can only say that its because I love her.

And she doesn't love me.

And because I love her and she doesn't love me, then I should just do the right thing. I should let her go. Let her be free. Let her do what she wants to do. Let her fly out and soar and go where she wants to be.

Let her realize her dreams on her own. Let her live her life the way SHE wants to do it.

And I, I should just pray for her. I should pray for myself. I should pray that I be able to get past through this hardship, and to bless her all her days, the way I prayed for her before. I should pray for the best for her, and the best for myself. I should learn to love myself again, in order to find myself. I should learn to rebuild my own dignity. There is no point in showing myself to be this pathetic in front of her. In the end, if I keep doing this to myself, its just going to be like Lassie and Janneth all over again. I'm just going to end up being a joke, like a fool.

There is no more point in forcing myself into her life. She threw me out on her own, for some reason. There is no point in forcing yourself onto someone that doesn't like you.

I've been thinking, what went wrong in our relationship, and I still can't say to this day. She says that she finally realized that she didn't love me anymore. That she's just been forcing herself to love me all this time.

I don't think that's true. I've been with my Angel for so long that I know she's not faking her emotions for the past 6 years. At the very least, I know that the first 5 years were true feelings, that she loved me. The past few months before we broke up, she still loved me. And if there's any culprit, its going to be her work stress.

Stress so bad that and so hard, that its all she ever thinks about. Stress so bad she thinks that the only people who can understand her are her friends. Stress so bad and compounded by my insecurity and persistence that she gets so annoyed at me, and finally releases over six years of frustrations, and thinks that she doesn't love me.

And now that she's rid of me, she feels... happy. Like she's been freed of a huge burden. Like I was a huge burden in her life that's been preventing her from... being happy I guess.

I don't know.

I think that the first step to winning her back is to let her realize that I'm willing to change if I'm the problem. That the problem is not with us, but is actually caused by her work stress. That I can adjust to let her feel less suffocated. That I can do everything, but only if she gives me the chance.

But if she doesn't give me the chance, then I can do nothing until she allows that.

I can only pray to God that He takes care of everything when my Angel and I meet. Its such a shame that our relationship crumbled like this. When we could have made it last as long as our lifetime.

The only thing I can do now is dream. Dream about what could have been with my Angel and I. Dream about what used to be. And cry, when I realize that its no longer true now. Perhaps I should patiently wait, until she comes back. But that's hoping too much.

I thought of talking to some of her friends. To her current best friend to see how she's doing. To see if she's been fine, or if she's been talking about me, thinking about me, missing me, regretting anything about me. But I've been convinced to stop this foolish idea -- that friend is not MY friend. She is her friend, meaning she will protect my Angel according to what she thinks is the best for my Angel. If she doesn't think that getting back together is the best, then too bad for me, I'll just have wasted my time.

Its been over a month now, and there's been no improvement on her side. She's still happy being single. She doesn't miss me in the slightest.

So...

So that's all. I can only Love and Pray. Love her, love myself, and Pray for the best. And Dream. Dream for what was, dream what is, and dream what could have been.