ああそう、これで終わりです. わかっている.
過去は悪夢似ている、忘れて.
それはいいのよ, あなたは幸せだ.
愚かな、俺. 友達にと思う.
しかし、あなたは新しい彼を検索,
"七番号"では忘れるでしょう
だから今度は君が祝福する
そして、私は返す止める.
私はもはやあなたに返すことができます。
さらば, 我が恋人.ありがとう
これで終わりです


I had that placed on my FB page... I thought it was cool. But, there are people out there who would rather be asses than try to understand why I bothered to make my message difficult.

I've got half a mind to remove that post from my wall. But if I do, I would have wasted 30 minutes of my time trying to find the right words. That message was created specifically to be seen.

Ah well, maybe I'll just remove worthless comments from that post later on.

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After a few more minutes of letting the message stay on my wall, I managed to get some more worthless replies. So I took it off, and just changed it into a note. Really, why bother creating the message when I already know there's going to be no reaction from its intended recipient. Ah well.

There are days when there's no one around to talk to about your interests... Sure you could fire off an SMS to close friends. You could fire off an SMS to other people with similar interests. You could even fire off an SMS to other friends who don't share your tastes (although at a very high risk of you looking like a complete tool), but really, finding another person who shares the same interests is one of the most difficult things to do.

You can't really discuss everything, even with a significant other. You'll have to explain some basic ideas about certain interests, and look at their reactions to see if they understood, or grasped enough about the concept to get interested; worst case scenario, they'll just smile, nod and change the topic. They might even do this for years on end to humour you and get some peace and quiet on their end, but that's a different discussion.

Simply put, its slightly depressing or lonely to realize that you have unusual tastes in shows or ideas, and you have no one else to discuss it with. You know that your usual friends won't appreciate the topic, and you're afraid that people online sharing the same interests would turn out to be geeks, weirdos, or other antisocial archetypes you'd rather not be lumped together with.

So when you're having fun watching, say, Super Sentai on your work computer, you can't just suddenly laugh out loud -- you don't want to be categorized into a closet weirdo by people you spend 8 hours a day with. You're restrained from having as much fun as you can.

If you watch the same show at home, you'd be safe and alone alright, but that also means you'd be discussing and criticizing the show with your shadow, your reflection, your wall, or whatever convenient imaginary friend will be there to help you out. Nobody will call you a weirdo, but I highly doubt you'd find any form of productive discussion with yourself (part of the reason I stopped writing here is because I'm largely discussing and arguing with myself).

You can watch the same show with family, of course. Chances are you'd find a group that largely shares your same interests, with much greater difference in opinion. And really, this is a great idea, except that I'm not high with staying at home these days with my family.

These days, I'd rather get my own place and live alone for a bit; support myself, realize how difficult it is to work for myself and buy my own stuff, rather than stay at home and relax, knowing a huge part of the next paycheck will be used to pay for bills and other expenses I didn't fully utilize.

So going back. I just finished my part in the surveillance audit for our ISO 20000 recertification, and since 1PM, I've been extremely bored out of my mind thinking of ways to entertain myself. I just finished watching an episode of Tokusou Sentai Dekaranger, but couldn't find anyone to discuss it with. As I mentioned, I could send an SMS to djesie, but I already know that she'll just feign interest to humor me. I could send a quick PM to mac, but he wouldn't care much. I could send an SMS to dennis, knowing he's family, but he couldn't care less either.

So instead, I find myself writing about how grainy the video quality of the show was back in 2004. How TV technology back then wasn't equipped to display high definition shows compared to recent videos like Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger, or Kamen Rider Decade. And I'm reprimanding myself because of course! I'm doing this from hindsight, 7 years after the show was initially broadcast. Even a remastered DVD copy of the same episode wouldn't compare with the more recent HD shows that came out since 2007. Duh!

Unfortunately, the video quality wasn't the only annoyance I had from watching the episode. I'm finding the red ranger, Deka Red, inordinately dumb. Not naive, as he's frequently described to be -- he's just freaking dumb as a doorknob. All bravado and no brains, relying on good instincts and purity of heart as compared to using his brains a bit. I'm comparing him of course to Gokai Red, or even Kamen Rider Decade -- two individuals who have a tiny modicum of brains despite the fact that they also just charge out at the slightest provocation. They spare a bit more brain power to think things through, as compared to just blindly charging at the enemy no matter what.

Perhaps that's the point of the entire series though, to show that some red rangers don't start out as the impeccable leaders that they're later depicted to be. That early in their careers, when they're group wasn't as well-oiled as they later turned out to be, their eventual leaders were also human beings capable of making (stupid) mistakes in order to learn and grow. Too bad that when I was younger, I didn't see this "flaw" from the red rangers of the time: Red One and Red Mask were pretty much shown to be reliable and capable from the get-go. Its annoying to see a brash and hasty child assigned as the leader of a group of professional space cops just because his "unprofessionalism" is justified by the number of times that he turns out to be correct because of his amazing instincts. And the other, more composed, more intelligent members of his group will just have to accept that as a fact. I'm not sure how they can accept his methods when its all basically spitting on the faces of everything that they've done to get promoted to their current positions. What is this, a bunch of Space Cops who originated from the Philippines?

Anyway...

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I was going through the Abenson Mall in Ortigas earlier today, and I saw a 40" Samsung Smart TV for roughly 60k php. This was interesting because the last time I paid attention to the price of the same unit, it was still around 80-90k. The price drop was significant, not to mention, I bothered to look at the features of the TV to understand why it was "Smart"

Basically, a Smart TV is an LED TV that allows you to browse the internet, connect to a LAN or WLAN, play videos from connected devices, or watch conventional TV. It can't really allow you to code, but will allow you to watch YouTube all you want. Was thinking if you could view porn straight from streaming sites, but then again, if you can't, you can still connect a USB flash drive to the TV and just play from there.

Because its already 40", you can even start watching HD movies or HD TV episodes on your Smart TV, and you can expect the same video quality from a home theater set up. The only drawback is of course, regular TV shows will look like crap. Once you have a working internet connection (plugging a LAN cord directly to the Smart TV should be sufficient), you should be able to go directly online and watch movies or other TV shows directly from Youtube or some other viewing site.

Pushing this concept further, you need only connect a PS3 (or some other entertainment system) or even a PC to the Smart TV, and you can play high-end games on the same 40" TV that you're watching your movies on. Put up a great sound system and that's probably all you will need in your living room -- you don't need no sofas! Just set up some mattresses or some futons on the floor and you're all set!

And really, what makes this all achievable in my mind is the lower cost of the Smart TV these days. It might actually make saving for a TV worth it.

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There's probably a huge elephant in the room here that I'm not giving attention to. I'd rather not give it any thought, otherwise I'll just ruin my mood. I've had over a year to think/feel things through, so from here on out, I have to focus on myself. I'm going to leave it at that for the meantime, and continue watching my Sentai.

There are days when I don't feel pain.

And there are days when I feel haunted by a feeling of losing something that I could have fought for.

I've been bothered by something I heard over the radio last night -- something about "when you're in love, you should always give your best." Somehow, I find myself thinking -- during the last few days when she told me that she no longer loves me, and when I said that I would do anything, to make her love me again -- why did I not do "anything"?

I was afraid of failure at that time. I was afraid of failing again. I was afraid that if I tried to show myself at PGH, with all my emotional baggage -- I would just turn into a bigger emotional wreck, and never recover.

There are days, when I feel that I have all the courage in the world, that I could do anything, that I could start over and make a wonderful person love me again. But I'm afraid that a single dismissive glance, a single word, would take all my efforts away.

And I've tried that. I've tried to be witty, to be smart, to be fresh, to be something new. All to ensure that I could at least impress someone. And I was just shot down with a simple SMS. Asking me to stop.

Really, I'm just a dreamer, dreaming of impossible things. I could not have saved the relationship, no matter what I did.

And so three days after staring at the blogger main page, I still have not decided whether to open a new book, or just to update my old on. I've just opened a twitter account, and it kind of feels... empty.

Empty in the sense that there's nothing to talk about. There's nothing to follow. Much. I'm at a loss with who I should be following. So I was thinking, maybe including a blog in my links would allow more people to follow me.

Why I would want anonymous people to start following me is beyond me though.. Right now, I have 11 followers, i think around 6 or more are people I don't know at all. Makes me wonder, when I tweet in Tagalog, what do they do?

Anyway, starting a twitter account is my first step in utilizing my planned purchase. I plan to buy a Samsung Galaxy Tab in the next few months. It looks like it will be more fun to put in social networking stuff on the tab, so I got to have a twitter account, a facebook account, and something else. I already know that I'll be spending a lot of time on the tab just reading my tons and tons of pdf's. I might as well get another use for it.

After getting my Samsung Galaxy Tab, I should invest in paying my network connection, and buy a wireless router already. So that I can have a wi-fi connection at home, and connect the PS3 or PSP to the net as well. Interesting plans. But before I even proceed there, I need to buy new shoes. And shirts. I'm running out of decent shirts.

Sigh. So many things to do. I wonder if I'll ever get them all done. I need to go to the gym too. My body is deteriorating already. I need to start looking good again.

Over 3 hours since work started and I don't feel like I'm making any dent in today's workload. That's actually an exaggeration, because I'm ACTUALLY getting work done for once... It just FEELS like I'm not making any progress.

And another hour later, trying to get more work done -- I find that I have more work heaped up over my head.

Maybe I should just stop browsing while at work. That might actually increase my productivity.

I was going to write down something sad, melancholic, and depresing. But really, after spending some time on research, I find that I'd rather write something about cartoons and Disney cartoons in particular.

And because I ran out of time, I ended up not writing anything at all. Great. Amazing.

On certain days, I find myself inexplicably drawn to listen to the following songs:

1) Kesha -- Your Love Is My Drug
2) Lady Gaga -- Alejandro
3) Lady Gaga -- Bad Romance
4) Lady Gaga -- Telephone
5) Green Day -- 21 Guns
6) Britney Spears -- Stronger
7) Britney Spears -- Toxic
8) Taylor Swift -- Love Story
9) Taylor Swift -- You Belong With Me
10) Kesha -- Tik Tok

The first song reminds me too much of my Angel. It was the last song that I heard before we... lost touch. It was her alarm, and also her message alert tone. At that time, she was really really proud of the song, since it was really very descriptive of what she felt.

I never found time to listen to song lyrics. My partial deafness effectively ensures that I almost never understand most English songs until I at least read the lyrics somewhere, or listen to the song multiple times in a day.

So now that I listen to the song, I find that the song rang true. And in my case, it IS true.

I guess at one point, I AM a Karma magnet. Whatever negative things I say out, or do, eventually come back and haunt me later on. I already knew this a long time ago, but getting reminded of it really hurts...

Anyway, the other songs on the list all remind me of my Angel at one point or another. Whether because they were her ring-back tones, or the song really reminds em too much of Jenny. I know this is melodramatic, but then, the only time that I'm this dramatic is when I'm this sad.

So yes, Your Love IS my Drug. You knew of this a long time ago. I've been addicted to it a long time ago, and now, well, I can't find any source for this anymore.

I'm currently in Puerto Princesa, Palawan in order to enjoy a vacation. I certainly thought that I needed this vacation after all that time spent feeling stupid about myself.

So, after several months telling myself that I should stop feeling sorry, and that I should stop being stupid, I realize that its not that easy to do what I'm telling myself to do. In addition, I've already gone through this before, so it should be easier, not harder for me.

But now, I find that I'm constantly irritated. Just always irritated about something at the back of my mind. Irritated about the fact that Jenny is trying to text me to say "Sorry", irritated that Jenny is "trying to be friends", and irritated that Jenny isn't texting me more. Stupid, pathetic, and ultimately irrelevant, I know. Eventually, I'll be able to wash this all out of my system.

What I did get pissed off for, is the fact that I'm staying inside the same room as Luanne and Rye, and I find myself bothered. They had to pick this particular hour to start being sweet. I realize that I'm the one actually bothering them, for being in the same room during their vacation. They can be as sweet as they want -- they're a couple after all. I should respect that.

Instead, I find myself wanting to kiss Luanne, in response to my longing to kiss Jenny, and to avoid thinking that I want to have Djesie in the same room.

So yes, I just picked this time to vent a little bit, in order to avoid having a lot of stress in my system during vacation. That, and I wanted to activate Facebook Mobile on my Globe phone.

And I have several mosquitoes having a field day with my leg. That's annoying.

Sometimes, nothing beats loud music blaring in your ears to block out all other thoughts in the world.

I can spend one work day in a week just listening to ultra loud music in my ears, regardless of whether i understand the song or not. Its pretty cool, and it serves as a nice distraction.

I just need to balance that out on other days with other kinds of music -- slow music, or weird music, just.. something else.

Its a new year, with no good news. Most of the time, no news is good news. In my case...

No news means, no improvement from whatever happened before. I'm now going through my Lassie phase, means everything I do is correct, and everything she does is wrong. But I'm doubting and second-guessing myself. She can be wrong, I can be wrong, and at the end of the day, maybe all we need to do is talk it over, or something.

Honestly, this is just a bad development. Because I can't let go. I'm actually even offended that she tells other people I'm a friend, or "fan" instead of an ex-. Very shallow, very stupid, but hey...

So, since my mind's a mess, and I don't know what I want to do, I might as well take this opportunity to place a few New Year's Resolutions:

1) stop being stupid
2) stop holding out hope
3) people can see the effort, maybe its just time to stop and let go
4) she's not the center of the world, sometimes, you need to revolve around other things too
5) when she asks for the time -- there's no reason to reply or give the time.

That's it for now. I'm enjoying watching House again, which means that sooner or later, I'll become a cranky sociopath again.