Nothing really... Just nothing.

That's what I'm feeling mostly right now. I'm not feeling particularly cheerful or anything (perhaps that will change later today), just a great feeling of nothingness. As if I amount to nothing more than nothing.

That sounds really disappointing, I know. Its just that, after getting friggin' rejected from P&G, the only company I was really serious in applying for, I feel like I just got shot down hard. As if I really am good for nothing. And all the time I spent in college goofing off has finally paid off: I really am good for nothing.

Don't get me wrong. I don't intend to wallow in self-pity for long. But I just want to let go of this feeling of uselessness before I go on with my day. I know that it would seriously wreck my day if I keep this bottled up inside for too long, and would further strain strenuous relations with my parents, not to mention sour conversations with my angel. I'd rather she see this later rather than today, so that I'd forget the entire thing, and not wallow in self-doubt anymore. Besides, that's the reason this book is made private: so that no one can see when the Fool falls into the mud, face-first.

What I'd really like to know right now is why I was rejected from P&G. I'm not really sure why, but I think it's because my resume is not impressive (read: lack of any good activities, nor leadership abilities) nor did they like my answers to their supplementary answer sheet, but I really think that it was more of the former rather than the latter.

I've always thought that my resume was decent. Now I know that I'll have to edit the damned thing again, because it looks like a generic loser's resume. Very, very disappointing. Really, there's nothing in the damned thing that says "I'm a successful person, HIRE ME!", all it says is "er, hi." and that's not a very powerful image in the corporate world.

I guess it just shows me how difficult I have to work to pay off all my bloody debts of gratitude. How further off I would be able to return all the favors I asked just to finish my college life. It means that my days of freedom from everyone else will be farther away than I initially thought...

My wish was to get into P&G, get promoted and get a really, really high salary, so I can pay off the monetary debt that my aunts and uncles paid so that I can finish (squander) college, then start saving up enough for my future, and enjoy the rest of my life... Well, I guess I'll have to start back at square 1.

You know, sometimes, I wonder to myself if its really healthy to write these things in network cafes, when there are a lot of people at your back just looking at what other people are playing, and then they notice this one particular geek in the middle of the row, just typing away at a white screen without a care in the world. I mean, if you're typing it in such a public place, then that means its probably supposed to be read, right?

Anyway, going back... I feel so bad that I've been a huge parasite for most of my college life... Relying too much on friends, relatives, and other random people just so I can go through everything... Its just so sad...

Sigh...

I really, really wish I can think of a way to pay off everything that my family owes... I guess, that's one of the most defining things in my life right now...

Sigh...

At least I'm feeling a little better about myself after letting all of that out. All I have to think of now is how to top my licensure exams... I have this huge chip on my shoulder that's telling me to beat that guy who topped it last April. What I haven't told anyone yet is that I know that guy: he's the person that started all that high school nonsense that fractured our class. He's the guy who made Abi cry and formed the Mars vs. BTB argument way back in high school.

But I don't begrudge him that. In fact, I don't care about the schism between those people and us. I've always hated their guts, a bunch of freaking drones with barely an original idea, and a love-our-own attitude. It just made me sick back then, how they could be freakin' called smart when all they did was press our teacher's buttons in the correct pattern. With nothing creative coming from their small skulls, even from their own "leader" who seemed to be "the most creative girl in all existence" at that time... Please, there was nothing creative in her, and I could smell the envy she had for other people a mile away...

I digress.

The reason I hate Elvin Ivan Uy that much is because he became some form of ECE god in La Salle, while I became... nothing. His state just screams "rival" into my face. Someone who finished engineering, someone who studied in the rival school, someone who I hated back in high school... And when I see his face in every single poster in my review school toting their product...

I just want to throw up...

Unfortunately for me... I'm nowhere near his level yet. I have yet to succesfully pass an exam in my review school. I have yet to memorize anything in his level...

I'm just so far away from my dreams that I want to curl up and wish everything away... If I didn't have any responsibilities at all.

But I do. I have to clean up my family's mess before I can enjoy myself. And that's why even though I know I'm fighting a losing battle, I can't give up.

Sigh... I've lived too much in a sheltered, idealized world where I'm right, and everyone else is wrong.

Sometimes, I think of things that are better off being written here, than in my journal. The main reason is because I don't want many people to know about what I think. There's also the fact that sometimes, I just write down personal stuff.

Like today for instance. I was really glad to have finished review class early (around 1130 to be sure). That way, I could go over to my Angel's school and have lunch and enjoy some quality time with her.

However, after lunch, I was anxious to leave Jollibee because I was worried that a lot of people would see us (we were sitting just beside the window) and ask us a lot of questions. I suggested that we leave the place and go back to school, at least she wouldn't be late, nor would there be many questions by adults asking about us.

Imagine my surprise when, as we were getting all cuddly just outside her building when this stupid security guard from who knows what place started to butt into our business. See, I know that we're cuddly, but damn, I do know what "enough" means. I know that there are some things that are simply unacceptable, and I know that hugging her very affectionately isn't part of "unacceptable". In fact, where we both came from, no stupid security guard would break up a couple that hugged like we did. Not to mention that there are a lot more couples who do even more public displays of affection than we did.

So what's really my point?

Fuck that stupid fucking security guard. He's fucking way over the line...

That's really the only reason I'm writing here right now. I thought that writing too much private stuff in this thing would only drive me deeper in depression, so I try to write more stuff in the journal to counteract that. I'm succeeding as far as I know (thanks in no small part again to my Angel), and I'm already going back to being the happy-go-lucky guy that I used to be.

But I'm still pissed-off by that guard. Damn him...


You are the 'regular' teen. Don't worry, alot of
people will get this result. However, you set
pretty high/low goals for yourself...and you
believe you are the only one in the world.
But, there are alot of people with your
attitude. You tend to wear regular clothing,
or you are forced to wear colors you don't want
to. (such as your mother always buying you
pink / blue clothing) Sometimes you feel
horribly lonely and want to hide, but as
always, you find something to give you reason
to continue. You can either hate or love
school, one opinion please. Never fear, you
are not one of a kind...and that is kinda nice
to hear, since there are other teenagers out
there with your exact view on life.

You
could get a job as an author, Teacher, editor,
architect, buisness owner, or administrator.
Good luck in life, and don't forget that no one
is ever alone.


What type of teenager are you?
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Damn, this result is just too... plain.... Damn.