It seems that I've repressed all my thoughts for the past few days. Its probably due to mental fatigue, having to take care of the last few school projects can sometimes take their toll on me. Thankfully, the amount of attention I've given to my schoolwork paid off. I got a high grade for the first time on a physics subject, and I've managed to finish programming an ASIC by myself for the first time in 3 years. Er, not entirely by myself, I had a bit of help in cleaning out the bugs in that program, and I had a good group for my physics lab. Managed to bluff my way past a corporate analysis of Prudentialife, and it looks like I'll be getting a good grade in there too. All I need to do now is to recharge my mind.

So all I have to do is to relax for the next few days... I wonder how I'll be able to do that though, when there's almost nothing to do at home. I need to do something with my friends... and unfortunately, when I'm on vacation, I'm usually grounded by my parents -- on the excuse that I need to rest after all the schoolwork that I've been doing. I would really want to go out-of-town with my friends this vacation... Provided they invite me to it.

I feel like I don't want to stay at home, with what I found out about my mother. I can't seem to stay in the same room with her without my mind shouting at me to "get out". I can't seem to accept the fact that my mother -- the person who taught me to be "true to your word" -- would be the one to break my trust in her. The rest of the family doesn't have an idea of what she's doing of course, at least I think they don't. And what hurts me the most is I don't know how to tell them. I know I must tell the truth, but something inside me is asking me to shut up -- in fear of what would happen when the entire family learns about what she's doing.

I guess deep inside, I'm a coward. I'm bold and daring, fearless, and unpredictable with matters regarding only myself. When other people get involved, I suddenly stop in my tracks and get nervous.

This is probably the reason why I can't bear to tell Jamie what I feel about her. I'm afraid of what would happen to our relationship if she finds out what I think about her. Its different from the time when I told Pai that I like her -- at least, with Pai, I knew what her reaction would be, since she was already with Adnan then. I guess Jamie's right when she told me that I'm a glutton for disappointment -- I only go for people who I know would definitely turn me down. At least when I'm turned down, I know I won't need to worry anymore.

I still can't figure out who Pai's prank texter is... From the way that Pai told me about the incident, I have a feeling that its probably Rey Layug. I mean, he speaks that way and sometimes behave that way. Unfortunately, he knows almost nothing about Pai much less about Nonoy, so it can't be him. I can't think of any other person who hates Pai's mom so much that he would actually start doing such things... Maybe I need a little more time to think about this. I'm starting to get annoyedby the fact that I can't do anything worthwhile for my best friends...

I think ever since I've demanded some time to myself, I've changed a lot. I'm different now, more interested in what's in store for me than what I can do for my friends. I mean, I may still think about my friends, but its all after I've thought about how to handle myself. I've never been that way before, and lately I've noticed it. Other people have noticed this in me, and have tried telling me about it... To no avail, I would guess. They don't know me well enough to push their way through me, or wait until I'm in a better mood to hear them out. On one hand, I'm going back to being independent, but on the other hand, I know for a fact that I'm starting to behave in a different manner, and people don't really like the way I've changed.

Do you have any idea to think like you haven't changed, yet make decisions that are so different from how you usually made them?

You suddenly start second-guessing yourself. And you lose confidence in your abilities. And you start reassuring yourself that everything's alright, despite the fact that deep down, you know its not.

For me, I lock myself in an impenetrable shell like a turtle or a crab. Nothing gets past my defenses that I didn't allow to pass in the first place. And after all the time that I've been carrying around this shell, I have no idea how much I've changed inside. My shell has been covering me up for so long that I don't even know that something has happened inside me. I need to put down my shell, put my defenses down, and face the world. I have to be brave enough to do that...

It is what shaped me in the first place into what I am.

I was supposed to say "It's been awhile since last I wrote anything with content...", but then here comes an opportunity to put words on paper...

After sending Jun home (and cleaning my wet feet), I found the door of the meeting room locked and closed. I tried knocking on the door, and after a few seconds, it opened, thanks to Dulce. Not that I really give a damn who opened the door, as long as it was open. But then, she mentioned that she wished she didn't open the door anymore. I don't really care anymore at this point. If she wants to be a bitch over something, then let her be. She can go to hell and die for all I care. She's already acting a like like Lassie lately, which doesn't really make me predisposed toward her.

I don't really care if she wished that she didn't open the door. However, I took exception on her next comment: "One day, I'll break up with Terence because of that person."

Its not my fault if she breaks up with Terence, but rather hers. Its not my fault if she doesn't want me around. If she doesn't want to see me, then she can get away. If she doesn't want me to associate with Terence, then she should tell Terence. I don't really care either way. I've tried to put up with her, understanding that she's really a narrow-sighted person, that she doesn't live outside of her world, all in the hopes that she'd forgive me or something. But if she doesn't really want that to happen, well, too bad.

I thought that I couldn't exist without her. I thought that she was my friend. If she's going to be a bitch for my being nice to her and Terence, if I can't understand what's going on in her mind, if she wants to live in her own little world without caring for the other people around her... well, I guess I must have been mistaken about my thoughts on her then.

I can't call someone who behaves like that a friend. Its no use.

She's no use.