Finally made another book that would record my actions. Its meant to be read by people I know, and for them to share their ideas. It'd be quite alright for my friends to read that book, so long as they steer clear of this one...
So what is the difference between this book and the other? The target reader. I plan on making this book my personal diary, while the second one is to be my journal. More public thoughts may be written down there, while more private thoughts would be put down here. Sometimes, if I have the time, some thoughts that have appeared in the other book might be explored further here. As I explore the theoretical aspects of a single thought in the other book, I would explore how I feel about the thought in here.
Hopefully, I would still be able to write as often as I do now.
Thursday, June 19, 2003
Why does Jamie need to smoke anyway, dammit?!?!
She's returning to her old habit of chain smoking again... and worse, I could sense that she's starting to become a nicotine addict herself. With no one to stop her from her smoking habit... I shudder to think what she'd become in the next few months...
I'm so tired of forcing my way into Grace and Co.'s group. I mean, there are other people that I could associate with, right? And with the way Grace and Co. are treating me, I feel like I'm trying so hard to be accepted that I'm starting to feel like a second Lassie... I guess I was never close to that group ever, since they're content on existing as just the four of them... I might as well go with those people who would be interested in going with me.
Been thinking about a few things last night... There's a lot that you can think of when you start to get lonely at home... After talking a bit with Adnan about what I shoud do in my life, I came to realize that I've got a ton of defense mechanisms in my head -- they're all there to hide the immense inferiority complex that I think I developed in the last few years of high school. As well as to support all the images that I've adopted in college.
Seriously, I hate to look weak. I hate it when I fail an exam, I hate it when I can't even perform a simple physical activity, I hate it when I lose to someone in a game... Generally, I hate it when I'm beaten. Because (I think) I feel like I'm going to get ridiculed and branded for life as a loser. My pride just can't take that. And when my pride gets laughed at, I tend to become irrational...
I realized that the first defense mechanism that I put up is my emotional barrier. I feign indifference and refuse to let any emotion take hold of me, save that of happiness. I refuse to get angry, I refuse to get sad, I refuse to get extremely excited, I refuse to feel hurt, I refuse to be afraid... Because I know that once an emotion grabs hold of me, my weaknesses would all show up, and that would make me look weak. So I try to block all emotions away and box in all of my own, unfortunately, some manage to break through -- especially those that relate to "love".
Second, when emotions do take me over, I tend to deny everything related to that emotion. This is probably due to the fact that I no longer wish to be ridiculed for what I feel, but more so to prevent the "other party" from ridiculing what I feel. As a child, I've felt that anyone unfortunate enough to be paired to me would either turn me down, or feel insulted that they've been paired up with me. As I grew up, I learned that if people do not know how I feel, then they wouldn't be able to hurt me. Over the years, this eventually expanded to include not only people, but objects as well...
Third, to be able to maintain my denials, I have to lie. A lot. I became quite good at lying that people tend to believe whatever I say, and sometimes I even manage to keep the truth from myself, believing instead the lie that I fabricated. I would have to guess that my friends wouldn't know how I would react in a situation, unless you make them use their instincts.
There are probably other defense mechanisms that I employ, such as withdrawing from an undesired stimulus, or even becoming a hypocrite by hating that which I do myself. However, I'm pretty sure that those I wrote down above are the most serious. I would probably need a shrink one of these days. To help me get rid of all the problems that I have. It would have to be someone that I don't know, but I could trust. Someone who doesn't know my friends, so that I would be in no danger of being discovered. I could probably ask Elbert, but that would give him an idea that I need help... Perhaps if I follow Adnan's advice and go to the school's guidance office...
She's returning to her old habit of chain smoking again... and worse, I could sense that she's starting to become a nicotine addict herself. With no one to stop her from her smoking habit... I shudder to think what she'd become in the next few months...
I'm so tired of forcing my way into Grace and Co.'s group. I mean, there are other people that I could associate with, right? And with the way Grace and Co. are treating me, I feel like I'm trying so hard to be accepted that I'm starting to feel like a second Lassie... I guess I was never close to that group ever, since they're content on existing as just the four of them... I might as well go with those people who would be interested in going with me.
Been thinking about a few things last night... There's a lot that you can think of when you start to get lonely at home... After talking a bit with Adnan about what I shoud do in my life, I came to realize that I've got a ton of defense mechanisms in my head -- they're all there to hide the immense inferiority complex that I think I developed in the last few years of high school. As well as to support all the images that I've adopted in college.
Seriously, I hate to look weak. I hate it when I fail an exam, I hate it when I can't even perform a simple physical activity, I hate it when I lose to someone in a game... Generally, I hate it when I'm beaten. Because (I think) I feel like I'm going to get ridiculed and branded for life as a loser. My pride just can't take that. And when my pride gets laughed at, I tend to become irrational...
I realized that the first defense mechanism that I put up is my emotional barrier. I feign indifference and refuse to let any emotion take hold of me, save that of happiness. I refuse to get angry, I refuse to get sad, I refuse to get extremely excited, I refuse to feel hurt, I refuse to be afraid... Because I know that once an emotion grabs hold of me, my weaknesses would all show up, and that would make me look weak. So I try to block all emotions away and box in all of my own, unfortunately, some manage to break through -- especially those that relate to "love".
Second, when emotions do take me over, I tend to deny everything related to that emotion. This is probably due to the fact that I no longer wish to be ridiculed for what I feel, but more so to prevent the "other party" from ridiculing what I feel. As a child, I've felt that anyone unfortunate enough to be paired to me would either turn me down, or feel insulted that they've been paired up with me. As I grew up, I learned that if people do not know how I feel, then they wouldn't be able to hurt me. Over the years, this eventually expanded to include not only people, but objects as well...
Third, to be able to maintain my denials, I have to lie. A lot. I became quite good at lying that people tend to believe whatever I say, and sometimes I even manage to keep the truth from myself, believing instead the lie that I fabricated. I would have to guess that my friends wouldn't know how I would react in a situation, unless you make them use their instincts.
There are probably other defense mechanisms that I employ, such as withdrawing from an undesired stimulus, or even becoming a hypocrite by hating that which I do myself. However, I'm pretty sure that those I wrote down above are the most serious. I would probably need a shrink one of these days. To help me get rid of all the problems that I have. It would have to be someone that I don't know, but I could trust. Someone who doesn't know my friends, so that I would be in no danger of being discovered. I could probably ask Elbert, but that would give him an idea that I need help... Perhaps if I follow Adnan's advice and go to the school's guidance office...
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
Finally took care of that runaway centering command that ruined the look of my book... Starting to love programming again, even if for just one day...
Came in to school to see that Elbert was sitting by the stairs drinking coffee. I was surprised to find out that he didn't go home last night to take care of some business deals. Apparently, the poor guy is starting to overwork himself again... and times like these, he really needs someone that could keep him company...
Unfortunately, the person whose company he's looking for isn't exactly giving him a chance, much less a glance. When Jamie arrived this morning, she was wondering who was the guy that we were talking to. I tried to give her a sign that it was a person that she wouldn't like to see, and I guess she got it, because she promptly went somewhere else (but very near where we were staying)... Actually, this morning was pretty interesting because people who didn't like each other arrived just seconds after each other. For example, Lassie arrived around 30 seconds after Jamie went into the building, while Grace at the same time, boarded off a tricycle coming from the direction that Lassie came from. A few more seconds later, Terence arrived from behind the building, and Dulce came in 10 seconds later. Dulce's arrival made me want to leave the place as early as possible, so I decided to go up to check on the Jamie and Co.
And what do I see as I arrive? Why, just a skinny girl who probably has a respiratory problem, enjoying a stick of Gudang Garang... because an ashtray just happened to be nearby. Of course, that's probably because she's pissed that the first thing she saw in the morning was something that upset her. And what does she tell me when I try to ask her to stop?
"What do you care? Would you stop what you're doing?"
Should I tell her that I wouldn't want her to get sick? That I wouldn't want her to drown her sorrows? Because there's no sense in doing that, when there are other people around her? That wouldn't work of course... Things never work out as they are depicted in manga... Its better if I just shut my mouth and let her do what she would want, because if she found out that I like her, I don't think that she would be pleased...
No one ever is.
Right now, my limb muscles are a little too tired from all the weight training that I did this afternoon with Borj. There was nothing else that I could think of to pass the time, might as well do something that would make my body feel alive... Right now, I'm regretting that decision, because my biceps, triceps, deltoids, and those leg muscles that flex when you walk all hurt like mad... I've got half a mind to sleep soon, but remembering what I said last night about resting, I wouldn't be surprised if I stay up until 12 midnight.
I need to find myself a few books to read soon. I'm starting to get bored here at home... and I'm thinking of going back to my other hobby other than gaming...
Came in to school to see that Elbert was sitting by the stairs drinking coffee. I was surprised to find out that he didn't go home last night to take care of some business deals. Apparently, the poor guy is starting to overwork himself again... and times like these, he really needs someone that could keep him company...
Unfortunately, the person whose company he's looking for isn't exactly giving him a chance, much less a glance. When Jamie arrived this morning, she was wondering who was the guy that we were talking to. I tried to give her a sign that it was a person that she wouldn't like to see, and I guess she got it, because she promptly went somewhere else (but very near where we were staying)... Actually, this morning was pretty interesting because people who didn't like each other arrived just seconds after each other. For example, Lassie arrived around 30 seconds after Jamie went into the building, while Grace at the same time, boarded off a tricycle coming from the direction that Lassie came from. A few more seconds later, Terence arrived from behind the building, and Dulce came in 10 seconds later. Dulce's arrival made me want to leave the place as early as possible, so I decided to go up to check on the Jamie and Co.
And what do I see as I arrive? Why, just a skinny girl who probably has a respiratory problem, enjoying a stick of Gudang Garang... because an ashtray just happened to be nearby. Of course, that's probably because she's pissed that the first thing she saw in the morning was something that upset her. And what does she tell me when I try to ask her to stop?
"What do you care? Would you stop what you're doing?"
Should I tell her that I wouldn't want her to get sick? That I wouldn't want her to drown her sorrows? Because there's no sense in doing that, when there are other people around her? That wouldn't work of course... Things never work out as they are depicted in manga... Its better if I just shut my mouth and let her do what she would want, because if she found out that I like her, I don't think that she would be pleased...
No one ever is.
Right now, my limb muscles are a little too tired from all the weight training that I did this afternoon with Borj. There was nothing else that I could think of to pass the time, might as well do something that would make my body feel alive... Right now, I'm regretting that decision, because my biceps, triceps, deltoids, and those leg muscles that flex when you walk all hurt like mad... I've got half a mind to sleep soon, but remembering what I said last night about resting, I wouldn't be surprised if I stay up until 12 midnight.
I need to find myself a few books to read soon. I'm starting to get bored here at home... and I'm thinking of going back to my other hobby other than gaming...
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
Now isn't this a tad more interesting? hehehe... The other results are pretty interesting too... But they aren't as evil as well...
You are Snow White
Deceiving, sweet and
graceful. Your charms help you get whatever
want. And you love strangers with a passion.
You are the most 'evil' of the Disney
Princesses, and you probably get it from a
wicked family member.
Secrets Revealed: Which Twisted Girl of Disney Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Yes, evil thoughts are consuming me lately...
Darkness...
You care little for others, and hold yourself high.
Yet your cruelty and fatality will master you.
Youll do whatever it takes to get by, but youd
face death before poverty.
Which element do you associate with?
brought to you by Quizilla
And 117 minutes (or 1 hour, 57 minutes later) and two silly quizzes later, I still am not yet resting... and my feet and arms are already showing signs of fatigue too... Zzzzzz....
Which reminds me... Its been sometime since I wrote something down about Pai... Maybe I would when I find some time...
You are Snow White
Deceiving, sweet and
graceful. Your charms help you get whatever
want. And you love strangers with a passion.
You are the most 'evil' of the Disney
Princesses, and you probably get it from a
wicked family member.
Secrets Revealed: Which Twisted Girl of Disney Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Yes, evil thoughts are consuming me lately...
Darkness...
You care little for others, and hold yourself high.
Yet your cruelty and fatality will master you.
Youll do whatever it takes to get by, but youd
face death before poverty.
Which element do you associate with?
brought to you by Quizilla
And 117 minutes (or 1 hour, 57 minutes later) and two silly quizzes later, I still am not yet resting... and my feet and arms are already showing signs of fatigue too... Zzzzzz....
Which reminds me... Its been sometime since I wrote something down about Pai... Maybe I would when I find some time...
My eyes feel really, really tired... despite the fact that I've read close to nothing for the entire day. Maybe its due to the amount of things that I've been reading on the net, or proabably due to the white screen glaring at me... Either way, my eyes are hurting, and in a few more minutes, I'll be putting them to rest, together with the rest of my body.
I saw Elbert having lunch with Lassie today -- which wasn't really that much of a surprise, seeing as how their keeping each other company for the past several weeks. Of course, this fact kept bugging Jamie, despite her efforts to deny that she was not the least bit interested in knowing that they were together or that she even knew them. She still hasn't gotten over Elbert, even though she keeps telling herself and everyone around her that she has. Elbert tried greeting her this afternoon, only to be brushed-off by Jamie, claiming that she didn't see him. Later on, Jamie started to smoke somewhere that Elbert could see. Probably to get back at him for going out with Lassie -- the classic story of jealousy. Disgruntled, Elbert left the place (to Jamie's joy).
I tried confronting Jamie about her smoking. Especially since I know that she purposely smoked on that building just so that Elbert could see. She tried telling me all sorts of lies, but anyone could easily see through them... Lana suggested that I should wait for the proper time to confront her, to which I responded by walking away from them... If she wants to smoke, I can't do a thing to stop her, especially since I'm no match for her ex-boyfriend...
Lassie on the other hand, well... She's probably pissed by the fact that some of her old "friends" would only talk to her if Grace and Co. weren't around. Otherwise, no one would even pay her attention. Serves her right -- she's never known how to treat her "friends" other than Grace and Co. the right way anyway, and now that almost everyone has left her, she's got no one left to turn to... Other than Elbert and Siena that is... Two people who probably don't know that there are people who no longer like Lassie's company.
Who would want to? I myself no longer know if she's lying or telling the truth -- or if she even told the truth to me in the first place or if she just told me lies from the start. She's probably a better liar than I am, because she refuses to accept the truth, or because she's never told the truth. At this point, I no longer care for her... I'm tired of being around for her just when she needs company... Not that I'm going to refuse her any help, just that she'll have to ask properly, and that I would no longer volunteer any assistance.
I would much rather devote all my attention to Jamie probably. Unfortunately, I'd have to find a way to jump over a certain obstacle in her mind named Elbert... I would probably have no chance, since I probably have no quality that would win over Elbert, but i have this nagging feeling that I should try. Perhaps when things have cooled down a little bit, when she no longer cares if Lassie and Elbert are together...
Maybe... When I convince myself that I can actually hurdle that obstacle... When I convince myself that I could become a part of Jamie's life... When I feel that Jamie is starting to open up to me, in the same way that she opened up for Elbert... Because I don't feel like an indispensible friend to her yet...
Maybe I'm dreaming... yeah, that's it...
As usual, Terence and Dulce had a "misunderstanding" today. I wouldn't really care what's playing around Dulce's mind, but I pity Terence. I've got half a mind to tell him to ditch Dulce, but that would devastate him (and her, not that I should care)... besides, he's not yet prepared to drop the relationship at this point (who would be, anyway?) and forcing him to do that would only ruin his mind... However, I do believe that their relationship needs a little work. They've been together for over a year already, and unfortunately, one or both of them have yet to adjust to the other... It seems that Terence still doesn't know what Dulce is really looking for in their relationship, and Dulce seems to be looking for more and more things that are not in Terence... Poor guy, he doesn't know what to do to the girl when he is no longer angry at her...
I wonder what went wrong along the way...
Finished reading L5R's Wind of War. To tell the truth, the two books that I've read aren't too engaging for me. They seem to tell about personal things of the Winds, instead of how they are shaping the empire... The books are shedding too much light on the characters of the Winds, but they aren't doing that would show how the Winds themselves have shed light on the empire... Especially the Wind of War. He was caught up in a defense of a nameless village located between Scorpion and Lion territory, yet never progressed from there -- what else did he do? How did he manage to obtain the Yasuki lands being contested by the Crab and Crane lands? Or if he were really a "people's champion", how does he govern the Yasuki lands seeing as how its a hotbed of political activity between two clans? Just showing how he has accepted his destiny as the Emperor's Bastard Child doesn't mean that people would understand how he would handle himself eventually... The second book was a little more disappointing than the first, because at least in the first book, there was a part that showed how Toturi Tsudao handled a problematic well-known personality... I would have liked to see how Akodo Kaneka would handle Yasuki Hachi, or how he managed to garner the support of the militant clans (Lion, Crab, Mantis, Unicorn, and some Scorpion)... Similarly, perhaps it would have been better if there was a scene that would play on the recent cooperation between the Crane and the Phoenix in either book (preferrably in the first, since these two clans cooperated under the request of Tsudao...).
What in the world am I doing? Why did a book review suddenly appear in this book? Man, the random things that you suddenly think of when you're tired would really surprise you more than those you could think of when you're bored...
My mother insisted that she wanted to hear a certain ringing tone on my mobile phone. I told her that there would be no difference since the tone was monophonic -- meaning there was only one "instrument' being played on different pitches or tones. She insisted that she wanted to hear it on my phone. I refused of course, since I don't want her touching my phone again, lest I remember what I hate her for... Because my father was in the room as well, I had no choice but to allow her to do what she likes.
Fortunately for me, her mobile phone has no means of transferring that ring tone to my phone! Ha! How's that for luck? She tried convincing me otherwise, but there was simply no way for her...
What ring tone was that? I believe it was the ending theme of "Meteor Garden"... Like I would allow her to send me such things...
I just realized that my mom would probably be unfazed if I try to spring to her that I know of her relationship with my hateful uncle... After all, she and my dad aren't legally married, despite the fact that they've already been together for over 7 years (nearly 31 years by now, probably), plus, she doesn't fuss about my dad's "other" business in his hometown. I guess the best I could do would be to threaten her about giving the knowledge to the wife of my hateful uncle... and let all hell break loose from there.
But that can wait... When I've managed to see who this other guy she's seeing is... Robert, you might as well hide yourself and your activities from me... Because if I catch you... You will pay.
I can now probably understand why the last time I took Dante's Inferno test would give me "Extreme" results for the "wrathful" as well as "violent" levels... in addition to the "liar" level... the thoughts that I'm entertaining in the past few months aren't exactly the same as those that I had before... I have changed alright, but probably not for the better...
I saw Elbert having lunch with Lassie today -- which wasn't really that much of a surprise, seeing as how their keeping each other company for the past several weeks. Of course, this fact kept bugging Jamie, despite her efforts to deny that she was not the least bit interested in knowing that they were together or that she even knew them. She still hasn't gotten over Elbert, even though she keeps telling herself and everyone around her that she has. Elbert tried greeting her this afternoon, only to be brushed-off by Jamie, claiming that she didn't see him. Later on, Jamie started to smoke somewhere that Elbert could see. Probably to get back at him for going out with Lassie -- the classic story of jealousy. Disgruntled, Elbert left the place (to Jamie's joy).
I tried confronting Jamie about her smoking. Especially since I know that she purposely smoked on that building just so that Elbert could see. She tried telling me all sorts of lies, but anyone could easily see through them... Lana suggested that I should wait for the proper time to confront her, to which I responded by walking away from them... If she wants to smoke, I can't do a thing to stop her, especially since I'm no match for her ex-boyfriend...
Lassie on the other hand, well... She's probably pissed by the fact that some of her old "friends" would only talk to her if Grace and Co. weren't around. Otherwise, no one would even pay her attention. Serves her right -- she's never known how to treat her "friends" other than Grace and Co. the right way anyway, and now that almost everyone has left her, she's got no one left to turn to... Other than Elbert and Siena that is... Two people who probably don't know that there are people who no longer like Lassie's company.
Who would want to? I myself no longer know if she's lying or telling the truth -- or if she even told the truth to me in the first place or if she just told me lies from the start. She's probably a better liar than I am, because she refuses to accept the truth, or because she's never told the truth. At this point, I no longer care for her... I'm tired of being around for her just when she needs company... Not that I'm going to refuse her any help, just that she'll have to ask properly, and that I would no longer volunteer any assistance.
I would much rather devote all my attention to Jamie probably. Unfortunately, I'd have to find a way to jump over a certain obstacle in her mind named Elbert... I would probably have no chance, since I probably have no quality that would win over Elbert, but i have this nagging feeling that I should try. Perhaps when things have cooled down a little bit, when she no longer cares if Lassie and Elbert are together...
Maybe... When I convince myself that I can actually hurdle that obstacle... When I convince myself that I could become a part of Jamie's life... When I feel that Jamie is starting to open up to me, in the same way that she opened up for Elbert... Because I don't feel like an indispensible friend to her yet...
Maybe I'm dreaming... yeah, that's it...
As usual, Terence and Dulce had a "misunderstanding" today. I wouldn't really care what's playing around Dulce's mind, but I pity Terence. I've got half a mind to tell him to ditch Dulce, but that would devastate him (and her, not that I should care)... besides, he's not yet prepared to drop the relationship at this point (who would be, anyway?) and forcing him to do that would only ruin his mind... However, I do believe that their relationship needs a little work. They've been together for over a year already, and unfortunately, one or both of them have yet to adjust to the other... It seems that Terence still doesn't know what Dulce is really looking for in their relationship, and Dulce seems to be looking for more and more things that are not in Terence... Poor guy, he doesn't know what to do to the girl when he is no longer angry at her...
I wonder what went wrong along the way...
Finished reading L5R's Wind of War. To tell the truth, the two books that I've read aren't too engaging for me. They seem to tell about personal things of the Winds, instead of how they are shaping the empire... The books are shedding too much light on the characters of the Winds, but they aren't doing that would show how the Winds themselves have shed light on the empire... Especially the Wind of War. He was caught up in a defense of a nameless village located between Scorpion and Lion territory, yet never progressed from there -- what else did he do? How did he manage to obtain the Yasuki lands being contested by the Crab and Crane lands? Or if he were really a "people's champion", how does he govern the Yasuki lands seeing as how its a hotbed of political activity between two clans? Just showing how he has accepted his destiny as the Emperor's Bastard Child doesn't mean that people would understand how he would handle himself eventually... The second book was a little more disappointing than the first, because at least in the first book, there was a part that showed how Toturi Tsudao handled a problematic well-known personality... I would have liked to see how Akodo Kaneka would handle Yasuki Hachi, or how he managed to garner the support of the militant clans (Lion, Crab, Mantis, Unicorn, and some Scorpion)... Similarly, perhaps it would have been better if there was a scene that would play on the recent cooperation between the Crane and the Phoenix in either book (preferrably in the first, since these two clans cooperated under the request of Tsudao...).
What in the world am I doing? Why did a book review suddenly appear in this book? Man, the random things that you suddenly think of when you're tired would really surprise you more than those you could think of when you're bored...
My mother insisted that she wanted to hear a certain ringing tone on my mobile phone. I told her that there would be no difference since the tone was monophonic -- meaning there was only one "instrument' being played on different pitches or tones. She insisted that she wanted to hear it on my phone. I refused of course, since I don't want her touching my phone again, lest I remember what I hate her for... Because my father was in the room as well, I had no choice but to allow her to do what she likes.
Fortunately for me, her mobile phone has no means of transferring that ring tone to my phone! Ha! How's that for luck? She tried convincing me otherwise, but there was simply no way for her...
What ring tone was that? I believe it was the ending theme of "Meteor Garden"... Like I would allow her to send me such things...
I just realized that my mom would probably be unfazed if I try to spring to her that I know of her relationship with my hateful uncle... After all, she and my dad aren't legally married, despite the fact that they've already been together for over 7 years (nearly 31 years by now, probably), plus, she doesn't fuss about my dad's "other" business in his hometown. I guess the best I could do would be to threaten her about giving the knowledge to the wife of my hateful uncle... and let all hell break loose from there.
But that can wait... When I've managed to see who this other guy she's seeing is... Robert, you might as well hide yourself and your activities from me... Because if I catch you... You will pay.
I can now probably understand why the last time I took Dante's Inferno test would give me "Extreme" results for the "wrathful" as well as "violent" levels... in addition to the "liar" level... the thoughts that I'm entertaining in the past few months aren't exactly the same as those that I had before... I have changed alright, but probably not for the better...
Sunday, June 15, 2003
Ah.. four days after I last wrote down something...
Today is the first day of classes for the university that I'm studying in... However, my classes actually start tomorrow . So all I have to do today is lounge about and try to see if anyone is as crazy as I am to come in to school for no reason whatsoever. Its pretty much a nice day, except for the fact that it looks like rain, and I have nothing to protect myself from a sudden downpour.
Yesterday was Father's Day. For some strange reason, I don't feel like there was anything special about yesterday... My family didn't go malling (but that's because they didn't tell me earlier that they wanted to...) for once, and thankfully, I didn't get to spend a weekend night with my hateful uncle (who I had to greet yesterday, reluctantly).
Jamie's smoking again. After several weeks worth of abstaining due to "lack of money". I've got half a heart to buy her a pack every month, but also half a mind to ask her to stop.The things that your heart can make your mind do when its stuck with someone... I can't stand the thought of loving/ getting "obsessed" with someone again. I don't think my feelings would ever be reciprocated. As much as I'd like Jamie to return the feelings, I don't think we could have a decent relationship without my having to part with her... The problem with Chinese tradition is that you have to go with someone who is also Chinese. So if I get to the part where I'm asked "what would you do if your parents disapprove of our relationship", I don't know what I would do. I feel like I've already fallen in love, yet I don't seem to comprehend what love is... How sad.
I'm glad that I'm starting to rant less and less about the people that I'm spending time with, mainly due to the fact that I've been stuck to the TV screen for the duration of my summer break. I find myself missing their company, yet at the same time, resenting them. After all, I never felt like an important part of their lives, except for Adnan of course, who I don't want to bother because he has other problems worth giving his attention to (of course, I recall promising myself that I'm no longer going to write about depressing things about my college friends, and seeing as how this topic has surfaced in this book several times already with no apparent solution yet, I'm going to drop it now).
Come Sunday this week, my ex-girlfriend Charlene is going to get married.She's asking me to attend, but I still don't know if I'm going to attend both the wedding ceremony and the reception, or just one of the two. Besides, I don't think I can stay too long in either case since its a Sunday, and my dad would insist that I stay at home or spend time with them. Plus, I don't think that I would be meeting a lot of familiar faces on that day, so I don't see too much of a reason to stay too long. Perhaps I'll just attend the wedding ceremony and skip out on the reception dinner.
I'm no longer thinking of Candy these days, though I do pass by her blog. She's probably forgot about me by now... And I miss her occasionally. But ts not too much of a hassle anymore.
Perhaps later, when I find nothing else to do in school, I'll pass by my high school and chat with some of the teachers there.
Today is the first day of classes for the university that I'm studying in... However, my classes actually start tomorrow . So all I have to do today is lounge about and try to see if anyone is as crazy as I am to come in to school for no reason whatsoever. Its pretty much a nice day, except for the fact that it looks like rain, and I have nothing to protect myself from a sudden downpour.
Yesterday was Father's Day. For some strange reason, I don't feel like there was anything special about yesterday... My family didn't go malling (but that's because they didn't tell me earlier that they wanted to...) for once, and thankfully, I didn't get to spend a weekend night with my hateful uncle (who I had to greet yesterday, reluctantly).
Jamie's smoking again. After several weeks worth of abstaining due to "lack of money". I've got half a heart to buy her a pack every month, but also half a mind to ask her to stop.The things that your heart can make your mind do when its stuck with someone... I can't stand the thought of loving/ getting "obsessed" with someone again. I don't think my feelings would ever be reciprocated. As much as I'd like Jamie to return the feelings, I don't think we could have a decent relationship without my having to part with her... The problem with Chinese tradition is that you have to go with someone who is also Chinese. So if I get to the part where I'm asked "what would you do if your parents disapprove of our relationship", I don't know what I would do. I feel like I've already fallen in love, yet I don't seem to comprehend what love is... How sad.
I'm glad that I'm starting to rant less and less about the people that I'm spending time with, mainly due to the fact that I've been stuck to the TV screen for the duration of my summer break. I find myself missing their company, yet at the same time, resenting them. After all, I never felt like an important part of their lives, except for Adnan of course, who I don't want to bother because he has other problems worth giving his attention to (of course, I recall promising myself that I'm no longer going to write about depressing things about my college friends, and seeing as how this topic has surfaced in this book several times already with no apparent solution yet, I'm going to drop it now).
Come Sunday this week, my ex-girlfriend Charlene is going to get married.She's asking me to attend, but I still don't know if I'm going to attend both the wedding ceremony and the reception, or just one of the two. Besides, I don't think I can stay too long in either case since its a Sunday, and my dad would insist that I stay at home or spend time with them. Plus, I don't think that I would be meeting a lot of familiar faces on that day, so I don't see too much of a reason to stay too long. Perhaps I'll just attend the wedding ceremony and skip out on the reception dinner.
I'm no longer thinking of Candy these days, though I do pass by her blog. She's probably forgot about me by now... And I miss her occasionally. But ts not too much of a hassle anymore.
Perhaps later, when I find nothing else to do in school, I'll pass by my high school and chat with some of the teachers there.