Which Member of the Endless Are You?






WHAT TYPE OF WILD CREATURE ARE YOU? (New Pictures!)
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You are Trinity, from "The Matrix."
Strong, beautiful- you epitomize the ultimate
heroine.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
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You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
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Last night, I told my sister about my uncle's affair with my mother, out of spite I guess, for my uncle. As I expected, she was shocked to hear such a thing, she couldn't imagine our "great" uncle to be capable of doing something like that, seeing as how he's extremely "loyal" and "dedicate" to my aunt. In fairness to her, I would have to say that he was... until recently that is.

Apparently she was so shocked by what I told her that she didn't want to think about it for fear of dreaming about it. Unfortunately for her, and for me, no mattter how we run away from it, the truth will never go away, it will stay behind like a bad weed.

Lassie seems to have taken up drinking as a pastime. It seems like the frequent nightouts that she's been engaging in involve drinking alcohol, and as much as I would like to know what company she has on those nights, she refuses to say anything about it. I try not to become too attached to her, so that I wouldn't have to cry out my heart again as she goes into places that she doesn't know. I wouldn't really like to see her get hurt in any way, but her attitude of telling everyone what she is going to do, yet leaving everyone behind is seriously looking for trouble...

Its probably funny that I denied all the emotions that I had for Lassie last night, and yet admit today that I have feelings for her. The truth is, I still have feelings for her, but as long as she acts like a selfish child, or an attention-deficit bitch, I would prefer if I forget about her. I've suffered under the aegis of loving her before, and as much as I would like to change her, she would have to be willing to start a positive change in herself.

So enough about Lassie. I'll forget about her eventually. Last night, while I was cramming for my project, I participated in a chat conference (or whatever its supposed to be called) with my groupmates. There're a lot of things that I no longer know in this world, especially when computers are involved, and last night's conference just sparked my need for knowledge about something that I don't know. I'll have to ask someone about establishing a form of chat software at home, so that I could use all the brain cells that are simply rotting away in my brain. It wouldn't do me any good if I refuse to use technology for what its supposed to be used for. Being old-fashioned would probably be the death of me, as I become more and more stagnant in a fast-paced ever-changing world.

Perhaps , it would do me more good to think of Jamie instead. I would like to think about Candy, but the number that I called up was instead, her brother's. When I tried calling up another person who I thought was Candy, the owner of the other line rejected my call. Maybe that was Candy, maybe it wasn't. Maybe Candy couldn't answer the phone because of the stomach flu that she's having. Perhaps its a sign from her to me saying, "go away".

So, instead, I would focus my attentions on Jamie. However problematic that may be. Because as far as I can tell, she's still a little too attached to Elbert, and I'd have to find a way to overcome that Elbert hurdle on my way to her. She was a little irritated in the Thursday night dinner because Elbert wasn't there, and as much as I tried to cheer her up, she just wasn't that responsive. Last night, I shouted out something to Adnan that said "take care of that..." which was obviously aimed at Jamie. Thankfully, we were so far apart from each other that it could easily have been someone else I was pertaining to. I wanted to knock myself over the head after that shout, but I guess, things turned out that way already, might as well go with the flow.

I'm trying to find a way to get closer to Jamie, because I don't really think that we have a lot of common interests. Without common interests, it would be difficult to have a conversation with her, and now that she's busy at home with her nephew... I think now is not the right time to pursue her...

Tonight was the best night of the past month! I was with Jamie all night long, and for once, she seemed to enjoy my company! I'm really thankful for tonight -- not only for the company, but for the effects it had on me as well: I managed to forget all my problems, and just had a darn good time, even though I didn't know half of the people that went to the dinner.

Never mind the fact that Jamie wasn't really close with the people who went there. I would guess that if Paula or Bobby or Elbert or Mitzi were there, she would have had more fun. At least, I could do something for her, even if for just one night... The only mistake that I had was in going to the wrong bus stop -- the FX stop that she was supposed to go to had ran out of vehicles, and so, she had to look for an alternate means to go home. I suggested she take the bus, and she reluctantly agreed. Unfortunately, I led her to the wrong bus stop, because every bus that passed by was going the opposite direction to her home. We spent a good 20 minutes, looking for an alternative way to get home, and at last, she managed to find a shuttle that would take her to a mall near her place, where she could go home easily.

I, on the other hand, took a cab home. With memories of the night fresh in my head. Ah... that was good alright.

Just remembered that I had a dream recently, where I was with... Lassie? Yes, I seem to recall that it was Lassie. I can't remember any other detail about it though, I can't remember why we were together, where we were, the only thing I remember was being with Lassie, and kissing her. At first, it was a french kiss, and I could feel her tongue for some strange reason, then suddenly, perhaps it was my mind sending in irrational signals, she refused to continue the kiss. At least, she didn't want to be frenched again, but wouldn't refuse a simple kiss either. Suffice to say, I tried to convince her that there would be nothing wrong in continuing it, and continued to kiss her, but she remained adamant -- she would take my lips, she would kiss back, but she refused to allow the tongue to enter her mouth without excess probing. When my conscious mind found out what's been happening while it was asleep, it immediately woke the entire body up with a message of waking up late, and the dream ended.

It was a good kiss though. Despite its relative improbability. And it reminds me of other dreams, and other kisses with other people...

I wish I have better dreams tonight.

While I was looking through my new phone, I found some messages I wasn't supposed to see...

My mother was sending text messages to my uncle -- that's all the proof that I need, they ARE having an affair. The only good thing about their relationship is that, they're both afraid to take it to the next level. They're like two children rediscovering love for the first time, sending each other sweet nothings and arguing over little things that mean a lot... Its pretty sweet actually, except that its an affari. Two married adults messing around their respective spouse's backs, and their spouses are siblings to boot... I really wonder what they would do if they find out.

But that's not all, my mother seems to have TWO affairs -- one with my uncle, the other with someone else that I know I've heard about, but not sure if I've met. Chances are, I have, but I don't really want to think about it. Its too annoying, I feel like I've been betrayed, and its probably the reason why I feel so suspicious about people nowadays... I don't think I can see my mother in the same light as I saw her before.

I can't think about it... The more I do, the more I'm disgusted with them, and with my life. I can't seem to tell anyone about it, I don't think anyone would believe me, and I don't think I can bear to tell anyone... Dulce is about the only person I know that I've told my suspicions about, and since we aren't on good terms anymore... I don't think I can tell anyone else.

So to keep my mind off such things, I concentrated on finding all sorts of irrelevant things over the net this morning, almost being unable to finish my long overdue case analysis. Found some games that were previewed for E3, only some of them catching my eye. Got in touch with Irene, and answered some questions that she had about stuff that was happening in this part of the world. I managed to finish the program that was due tomorrow out of luck... and right now, I'm talking with friends about the story of The Lord of the Rings... It keeps my mind off things alright, but when I get home, everything starts coming back...

Its probably the reason why I keep on sleeping these days... To escape all the bad things that are happening around me. One of these days, I'll probably start thinking like Lassie, that everyone is untrustworthy... I hope not though, because I don't want to lose my last bit of optimism...

I'm glad that I'm going out to dinner with Jamie though... despite the fact that she's going there with all her other english blockmates as a sort of welcoming party with their old mentor. Come to think of it, the last time that I had a nice dinner was with my project groupmates, and we all had a great time bashing Lassie behind her back. Of course I only joined in because I was really pissed at the time, but I wasn't in full bashing mode, more like, getting the bad things off my chest. Keeping all your frustrations inside really is tiring sometimes, as I can attest to...

Here's some good news to cheer myself up today:

I managed to run from the guardhouse to our home without stopping to catch my breath, or to rest my feet.

Of course, that would probably be easy for other people, but I was never athletic in the first place, and any physical achievement that I manage to do, I rejoice in.

Amazing how many things that you could actually think of when you're travelling. For example, I was listening to an interesting rendition of Pink's "Just Like a Pill". It's a pretty nice dance song, so why in the world am I not dancing? Because I'm a lousy dancer. My body is stiff when it comes to dancing. This is probably a result of my being unexpressive, as dancing is supposed to be an expression of the self, right?

Well, the last time I danced, it looked like someone was having an epileptic seizure on the dance floor. That was during Lassie's debut party. I probably had a little too much to drink at that time, but I seriously doubt it... anyway, I was rather depressed throughout the affair because we weren't on really good terms with each other at that time (me and Lassie). Besides, I was nervous, as I had to dance her for a while as one of her "special" people... Near the end of the party, her family members thought that it would be nice to have a disco for her friends... well, this group of friends didn't really like to dance, besides, there weren't enough people to make it look like a dance party, which was probably the reason why some of them didn't like to dance (add that to the fact that we didn't really know Lassie's family very well...). Anyway, to cut things short, my friends decided to take up Lassie's family on the dance offer, and started to swing to the beat of the tune. Before I knew it, I was wiggling my limbs like crazy, attempting to imitate an image in my mind, believing that the outcome was actually good. It turned out that I was only imagining things, and I looked like a post that was trying to shake its place out of the ground. Suffice to say, people had a laugh at what I was trying to do, and they stayed away from me for the rest of the night.

Just finished watching Boys Be... and despite the contempt that I have for the show (I don't really like watching love stories), it makes me realize what I'm looking for in a possible relationship.

Honesty.

The best thing in Boys Be, is that the girls could easily go out with the boys if they wanted to. That won't work in the environment I live in. Females are expected to be conservative and a deviation from that norm usually labels the female to be a bitch. I mean, girls just can't show their feelings easily, otherwise, they'd be treated differently. Personally, I'd like it if the female told me how she felt, at her own initiative. I don't really like prompting other people to say something. It defeats the purpose of confiding. I mean, just how relaxed would I be if Jamie or Lassie told me that they like hanging out with me? Unfortunately, I would be assuming too much if that were the case -- I can feel that they don't really enjoy my presence.

Ok... it seems like I'm a little too much of a geek... not that I'm really bothered too much...

Your Ultimate Roleplaying Purity Score
Category	Your Score	Average
Hacklust	65.09% Enjoys the occasional head-lopping	52.6%
Sensitive Roleplaying	72.15% Will talk after everyone important's been killed	49%
GM Experience	65.22% Ran a module once or twice	65.7%
Systems Knowledge	90.11% Played in a couple of campaigns	88.4%
Livin' La Vida Dorka	72.41% Goes nuts on the weekends	58.5%
You are 73.38% pure Average Score: 65.6%
Take The Ultimate Roleplaying Purity Test and see how you match up!

Now, why I would suddenly turn out to be the following, I have no idea, probably due to the nature of what I want to use, instead of what I do...


You are an Elementalist. Your magic stems from the
forces of nature. You might be a forest
nuturing Druid, a storm-creating Weather-Wizard
or any of the many Elementals, but one thing is
sure-- your bond with nature is strong. You can
rely heavily on nature to support yourself
aesthetically or physically for it lends you
both comfort and strength. Your instincts
rarely fail you. You are vibrantly passionate
but are sometimes carried away by your own
emotions.


Which Magical Order Are You In?
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Of course, if I fudge the results a little bit, I would turn out to be something else, which makes me realize that the choices aren't really that good... Frankly, I'm a combination of all the possible results...


You are a Spiritualist. Your magic flows from the
primal forces of the cosmos. You could be a
gentle Healer, a miraculous Prophet or a
spirit-summoning War-mage with the strong link
your soul provides to the realms beyond
reality. You have preternatural abilities,
intutively sensing the personality of people
you meet and discerning events yet to happen.
You enhance your aura with meditative pursuits.
You are a good judge of character but your
idealism or morality can confuse others.


Which Magical Order Are You In?
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And this, I got WITHOUT fudging the answers (unfortunately, the picture is so... gay, something that Candy would probably like in her journal, instead of mine)


Lucifer. The most misunderstood of all the
ArchAngels, you're most like the ArchAngel of
Light. You've seen the darkside and have opted
for something better. You need better press,
though chances are no one will really
understand your motives.


Which ArchAngel are you most like?
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I think I can understand how people feel when faced with a stalker... Before, I always thought that having a stalker was sort of cool, it meant that someone was actually interested in you -- even if to most people you looked kind of plain. But now, having some unknown person suddenly know everything there is about you... what he could do with that information -- its sometimes too disturbing to contemplate. Sometimes.

Because, what if there was nothing that the stranger could know about you? What if, even if he knew how you thought, he could do nothing about it, could not threaten you because he doesn't know where you live, could not frighten you because he doesn't know how to contact you? Isn't that just a waste of time for him? Despite everything that he may know, if he can't do anything with that information, then he's pretty much useless. Which reminds me, even if a man knows a woman's likes or dislikes, even if he knows the woman from head to toe, down to the personality and thinking, if he doesn't make a move, then everything he knows would simply be a waste. Realizing this, should I make a move on Jamie now? Or should I still wait? Rejection still is a major problem for me, and the mere thought of it makes me lose my confidence.

Got plenty of work waiting for me for the next few weeks... must find a way to keep myself awake otherwise, I'll just slip into lethargic mode and sleep through everything that comes, and that wouldn't be a good idea.

Don't really feel like writing anything down right now... its as if something's draining away all my emotions, turning me into a vegetable content to either just witness things as they happen, or a rubber toy that takes everything being done to it. Slept on the jeep while I was on my way home, almost overshot through my stop if I hadn't been awakened by the nudging I received from the person beside me. Fatigue probably crept up to me due to the fact that I didn't have lunch today just to finish my schoolwork. Got to work on my physical make-up one of these days...

... Finally found out this afternoon what's been bothering Pai. Thanks to a letter coming from her mom. She informed the entire batch of Pai's family problems, and implied that the troublemaker is actually one of her friends. Come to think of it, she actually thought that I was the person causing all these problems to occur. Unfortunately, while it might actually be interesting to do something like that, I don't believe that I am heartless enough to cause such damage to Pai.

Which brings me to my thoughts on possible suspects who would do so. In thinking about suspects, one must remember two things: relation to evidence, and motive. Guessing the motive is actually more important, since knowing so immediately implicates the suspect. Unfortunately, knowing the motive is also the hardest part. With that said, I am going to enumerate my ideas on the suspects.

Adnan, Lassie, and Hubert.

There may be others, however, all the evidence points to these three as the most likely to do such an act. Why you say?

Simple. Consider Adnan. The evidence points to a person that knows intimate details about Pai -- and what is, or was, Adnan's relation to Pai? Second, evidence points to a person who has a reason to send threats to Nonoy -- again, the same question above could be asked. However, it is not as simple as that... Because there is also something else in the equation: he is included as a pawn in a message that was sent to Nonoy -- and as far as I know, Adnan would not make any effort to include himself in such risky behavior (this is considering the possibility that he is not lying). Therefore, while the motive may coincide, not all of the evidence follows.

Next, consider Lassie. She has already tried stalking someone before, using a fake identity -- Danielle de la Pena. And the enjoyment she acquired for engaging in such behavior might actually elicit a second attempt, this time concentrated again on an interesting person -- Nonoy, whom she was known to have flirted with, a bit (although Lassie flirting with someone isn't really new). Motives to give Pai such a terrible problem is not really important to her -- as long as she gets what she wants, that is enough. However, most of the information necessary to trouble Pai would have to come from Hubert or Pai herself, as almost nobody talks to her anymore in the group. And I don't believe that Pai has given her enough important information (unless Pai was really, really desperate for a companion). So again, this suspect might not actually be the real suspect... as there is a conflict in the evidence.

Finally, there is Hubert. Information to trouble Pai would come easily to him -- Pai confides in him in all things, probably except how to dress up and go to the bathroom. The problem in him, however, is the motive -- why would he do something to Nonoy, Pai, or her family? Did something happen in the past few months that would have soured their relationship for Hubert to do something as drastic as this? If so, then why are they still so close? Is it to create an illusion of trust in him? This time, the problem is in the motive, and not the evidence.

Actually, there really might be others, but the evidence all point to these three as the most likely suspects. I would have included myself, however, I myself know that I wouldn't do something so despicable to my friends. If I would like to fight, there is no reason to include the other person's loved ones... For the meantime, however, I will still wait for Pai to tell me something. She already knows who it is... and it is only a matter of time before something really happens.

And when it does, and I still could not figure out who it is, then I have no business to call myself her friend. Because I would have failed my best friend again...

As a side note, the notice that I gave to my classmates about my stolen phone actually elicited a few responses. One of them coming from Dulce. As I opened it, however, it turns out that it was only her way of greeting Kristene on her birthday. And here I thought that she actually cared for me...

Blast it all!!!!

Woke up to a perfectly good morning, anticipating a good day ahead of me due to the lack of school activity. Finished things up rather quickly too, despite the fact that I still watched TV before I took a bath... and what do I get for my troubles????

A stolen mobile phone, that's what!!!

I should have just left my phone when I felt that something strange would happen to it today. For some strange reason, all the jeeps that were passing by were full, and the only way that a person could board it was to squeeze himself into the small spaces between other people, which the driver would insist were capable of holding two more... Since I was already rather late, I decided to take the next jeep, regardless of its capacity (it was the fourth vehicle that passed, and could still hold about 4 more), and for some strange reason, the person that I decided to sit beside, fidgeted in his seat, forcing me to take up less space.

The next thing I know, there was this stranger who tried to chat me up, asking me stupid questions about the MRT that was non-operational. I tried to answer as best as I could, keeping polite even though I was already wondering why he'd be asking me such an obvious question (and why he kept repeating his question despite the fact thay my voice was loud enough to be heard). A few minutes later, the person who was taking up a lot of space beside me stood up, and motioned for the man who was talking to me to leave. The stranger refused to get off, letting the first guy get off alone (or perhaps with a companion). The conductor of the jeep passed the change of the first guy back, knowing that he paid much more than he should, but he already got off, and no one bothered to catch him to give the change.

That's when I felt that my pocket was lighter than it should be. When I tried feeling my phone through the pocket, I realized that it was no longer there, and either fell off onto the seat, or taken by the man who got off earlier (the one who was taking up a lot of space beside me). It wasn't on the seat when I tried to look for it. Neither could I remember it falling off my lap. And my pocket distinctly felt lighter at the exact time when the guy fidgeted in his seat. When I realized my folly, it was already too late, as the guy was already off the jeep for a few minutes, and I couldn't possibly catch up to him. His collaborator, the guy who was chatting me up, got off the jeep a few seconds later than he did, probably assessing the situation if I would realize what happened or not. The idiot that I am, put things together too slowly, and as a result, lost my phone.

I tried keeping myself sane by telling myself that the phone was old anyway, that it needed to be replaced, but obviously, its denial on my part, plain and simple. For being stupid enough to be fooled by strangers. Had I realized things earlier, perhaps this unfortunate accident may have not happened. Now I lost my phone which held 7 important messages from other people. I lost my phone which kept ringing tones that I composed. I lost my phone which had all the pictures that I needed. I lost the phone which had all the numbers I needed. But most of all, I lost the phone that served me well for over three years.

Shame on me for being so naive and stupid.

Couldn't do anything worthwhile for the entire night, just waiting for Pai's mom to talk to me. It turned out that indeed, she was worrying why I am no longer talking to Pai. I'm not crazy enough to tell her impossible tales, so I told her the truth. That I don't refuse to talk to people, unless they stop coming to look for me. It turns out that Pai actually had a lot of problems at home, and the fact that I called her "harassed" hit her in a sore spot, and she confided to her mom about my recent behavior. Not that I'm really bothered by it anyway, because she's always been closer to her mom than she has been to me. Besides, there's no point in dwelling over it anymore, her mom already knows the reason why I'm staying away. Its up to her if she'll tell her daughter what she did to me or not. I'm trying my best to mend things up with her, but so far, it looks like things are falling down on my side of the fence.

Got a new message from Dulce this afternoon too. It turns out that she was offended by my greeting her mom on Mother's Day. She says that if all I'm going to do is to annoy her, then it would probably be better if I didn't try to patch things up. Let me not even dream of her talking to me anymore, because she really has no plans of talking to me. And I should mind my own business.

I didn't really understand what she meant with all of those, I'm just assuming that the first sentence pertains to the greeting. The second statement, I no longer bother about. The third actually came when she was told that I said something about her and Terence having a fight again earlier today. I don't recall saying that this morning, or probably, not to the people that she was talking to. As usual, she overreacted again, hence, the message that she gave me. I'm starting to get tired of her attitude. It makes me want to ask what is the difference between her and Lassie if she will always be such a prick about simple things. Perhaps if I get pissed off at her one of these days, I'd give her a piece of my mind. Its one thing really to make a mess with me if I did something wrong. Its another thing if I didn't do anything and a person still wants to mess with me...

I mean, here is this person that I've considered a friend for the past two years, and just because of a small piece of Chinese cake... everything was just wasted. I could probably handle that. We could still patch things up probably. But has she ever considered if what she's doing is wrong? That she's overreacting to everything a little too much, just like a person that she doesn't like? So what if I did tell people that they had an argument this morning? Isn't it the truth? Does anyone really think that's new? I haven't seen a week where she and Terence didn't fight at all. Plus, its not my place to say this, but she's keeping Terence on a very tight leash. She's not allowing Terence to go out with the boys... While this may be well and good, since Terence suddenly became a top student in school, hasn't she noticed that Terence no longer has a life outside of pleasing her? Hasn't she noticed that she's acting more and more spoiled? I mean, think about it... if Terence just doesn't do a thing that Dulce is suggesting, she gets really mad, and doesn't talk to him unti he says sorry and does what Dulce wants... Sure, its good, but if it happens everytime? Even if Dulce isn't even suggesting the right thing? And if she doesn't want me to mind other people's business, shouldn't she say that to herself? Sure I gossip a lot, sure I tell a lot of stories, but heck, so does everyone, including her! And does she mind? Hell, no! Its an issue that I told people that they had an argument because it came from ME! You mean to say that I can't tell her to mind her own business when they're talking about Lassie or Yuso or Hubert? I can't tell other people to mind their own business when they're talking about what's happening to me? She really should look at herself in the mirror before she says something. I'm just trying my best not to say anything and ignore her completely, but she's the one who does all these silly things that people would talk about...

I'm going nuts trying to figure out why Pai's mom would want to talk to me... As far as I know, I haven't done a single thing to Pai. I don't know what we're going to talk about tomorrow, and guessing game is tearing my head off my shoulders. So instead of doing an overdue assignment for tomorrow, the anxiousness I'm experiencing right now is preventing me from doing anything productive. So all I can do right now, is try to relieve my nervousness, until I can manage to calm down and do something properly.

Is she going to talk to me about how I'm not talking to Pai? If she is, I wonder what I would tell her -- that it was her daughter who didn't talk to me first, and even though I didn't really like it, I had no choice but not talk to her, because I'm not getting any thing in return? Or would I simply say that I dont really meet her that much for me to talk to her as I did before, and that the phone at home is always being used by someone else.

Or is she going to speak to me about something else? Because as far as I can remember, I haven't argued with Pai about anything. Is it going to be about my performance in her class? But that wouldn't have anything to do with my relationship with Pai. Is she going to tell me that she knows my problems? I doubt it. I've never told anyone about my problems, and besides, while I do write down my problems in this book, no one even bothers to pass by and read this book So what could it possibly be? I've consulted with Adnan about it, and the best advice he could give me was to send an SMS to Pai's mom telling her that I couldn't do anything productive because of the pressure that she's giving me regarding tomorrow's conversation. It looks pretty serious too, as she doesn't want Pai to figure out that she's talked to me... Argh... the thinking is driving me nuts.

I'm having problems with my vision again. It could be because I'm looking at a white computer screen all day while typing away endlessly. It could be because the exposure that my eyes receive while watching TV is uneven, with the right receiving more input than the left. It could be because my hair is in the way, blocking some of my vision, forcing my eyes to overcompensate. It really isn't too much of a bother really, just annoying that I feel like I have to strain my eyes, even though I'm just working on some minor assignment...

Recently, I'm finding myself uncontrollably attracted to Lassie again. Indeed, such an event just says trouble for me. And I've been trying to avoid her as much as I could. But, perhaps it is my habit to accompany the person who is alone. If I see a person alone, and I'm on good terms with him, then I do my best to accompany him and cheer him up. Why I'm doing this to Lassie makes me wonder though, because we really aren't on the best of terms, and there is just no decent reason for me to do that.. Because if I do, I'm just bringing trouble to my own head.

Adnan was asking me who my newest prospect is... As I was running through them in my mind, I realized that I couldn't tell him. Because, in truth, I don't have anyone who I really see as a serious prospect. Other than Candy, probably, because I haven't told him about Candy yet (much less, done anything to advance the relationship between the two of us). I can't tell him that its Jamie, because I myself am not sure if she really is a "serious" prospect. I've felt this way for Jamie before, when her relationship with Elbert was just beginning, and during those times when they had problems (just like how I felt for Pai, when she had problems with Adnan and Wigs), in other words, I might just be reliving my experiences with her whenever I'm with her -- I probably only think I like her, and not really love her (which means that I have to be careful around her, I wouldn't want to be fooled by my heart). I can't say that my prospect is Lassie, because frankly, I'm doing my best right now to avoid her, so that I wouldn't have to fall for her again, and get hurt in the end because she doesn't feel the same way about me.

... This book is starting to look less and less a "book of lies and half-truths", and is starting to look more and more like "the miscellaneous whinings of frost", and "frost and friends". I have to learn to put more new content in the pages of this book. Otherwise, it'll just look like a pretty diary.

I was wondering why I didn't put in reviews about movies I watched, or books I read in here. Probably because I think reviews are a waste of time, and doing commentary on them for every part that I've seen would only annoy me more, because my feelings would probably jump around uncontrollably and do nothing in the end. I was supposed to write down how I hate AXN's dubbing of Rurouni Kenshin, because its so different from the original things that the series is trying to say. Unfortunately for me, when I tried to listen to the original words, I was frustrated because I didn't understand enough Japanese to know what the voice actors were saying. I had nothing else to do but either disregard the subtitles at the bottom, or read them (at least the english subtitles had a story to them, just not accurate enough).


Switzerland -
A neutral power for as long as most can remember,
it has avoided war for several centuries.
However, it is still considered highly advanced
and a global power.


Positives:

Judicial.

Neutrality.

World-Renouned.

Powerful without Force.

Makes Excellent Watches, Etc.


Negatives:

Target of Ridicule.

Constant Struggle to Avoid Conflict.

Target of Criminal Bank Accounts.



Which Country of the World are You?
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Apparently, spending too much time writing stuff for this book is hurting my relationship with people. It turns out that I'm using the book to relieve myself of pressure, venting out my frustrations onto something that would probably not give me any feedback and therefore giving me the illusion that I'm always right and should not bother about other people's feelings. Realized that this morning when I got fortunate enough to be invited by Sweet and co. to have lunch with them. I didn't know why, but I just suddenly thought that I should send someone an SMS, but when I took out my mobile phone, I realized that I have nobody to talk to. And that the last person that I had a meaningful conversation with (or something that felt like it) was actually me -- when I put down all my disappointments into this book.

So, I'm going to try to lessen the amount of things that goes into this book. At least, if it has anything to do with frustrations with other people, then I am going to try to stop myself from putting it down here. Perhaps that would push me back to talking with other people, instead of talking to myself whenever I have problems. I mean, I prefer keeping my problems to myself, but sometimes, keeping silent really is the worst thing to do as it might it away at the heart. And I really wouldn't like it if my heart were to suddenly develop problems. Worst case scenario: I'd finish college as a jerk -- without regard to anyone else as long as I get what I want...

I just suddenly realized that Candy whines a lot... Maybe I should rephrase that. She DOES whine a lot, but for some strange reason, her whinings remind me of Lassie. Its proabably due to the amount of false crying that Lassie does. Candy has this annoying habit of sounding like she's crying for no particular reason whenever she's whining, similar to Lassie when she's looking for attention.

Ok, going back to the earlier topic... I should really try to restrain myself from escaping too deep into myself. Whenever I feel something wrong, the first thing that I turn to is this book. In my case, it seems that writing every negative thing into this book is actually regressive for my development, because it represses my need to express myself and assosciate with other people. Meaning, I'm keeping myself stagnant. I'm stuck with the thought that only I am correct, and that everyone else is wrong... which shouldn't be the case because I am not really ALWAYS right.

In other words, its time to stop thinking negatively. And time to think positively. Look around the world in the way that I really do, and not the way that the world wants me to.

I feel like a young school kid, too obsessed with a single celebrity that I can't do anything worthwhile. I guess this is how other students feel when they start feeling something funny for movie stars or TV actors. I'm watching the chinese movie channel on cable right now, just to see if I'll get to see another of her movies tonight. I almost lost the entire day trying to rush a paper while at the same time looking for information on Sammi Cheng. Unfortunately, being a real live person, she has her privacy to take care of. About the only things that could be known about her are public information. I know her name (if that is her real name), I know her nationality, her birthplace, her religion, her favorite car, her favorite car... but I know nothing about her real personality. I do not know if she has a significant other. I don't know how many guys she's dated before, I don't know what she's looking for in a guy... I know things about her, but, I know nothing important about her.

I guess this is good for her too. At least no stalkers would bother her private life, and at least she can find a private life to go back to when she's feeling stressed...

Look at me. I'm really gushing like a lovesick puppy at a person that I don't even know, much less seen in person. How could it be said that I really like a person when its the mask I've seen and not the face? Heck, my metaphors are all going whack just thinking about her, and how she compares to other people that I know... I think I should stop this, because its so strange... liking someone that I haven't even met.

I'm really a sucker for a sob story. I can't help stopping for people I know who are crying. Lassie came up to me to ask if there were anything wrong with her because everyone seems to be leaving her behind, plus her parents are not getting along well. Well, the last part was probably true, although I can't tell the severity. The others are probably exaggerations on what she's currently experiencing. I finally figured out the reason why she's not asking Hubert about homeworks... I should have figured that out earlier, its so obvious. As usual, she's hurt Hubert's feelings probably without even trying, or even thinking. And I don't know if its just me, but it looks like she just did her usual plea just to look for attention.

But I'm a bigger idiot for falling for her usual sob story. I should have just left when I had the chance because I just knew that listening to her would give me bigger problems because I have to try solving them for her. She even had a pocket knife ready for her entire act, trying to cut herself open so that she would bleed to death, and being the gullible fool that I am, I tried to stop her from doing anything silly (actually, if I were smarter, I would have left so that she wouldn't even start anything silly).

Never mind, what's done is done. Which makes me think, whether or not I have a right to be selfish about getting attention myself. Or should I just accept the fact that nobody really takes me for anything but a strange braggart? Only time could answer this I guess... Better just to wait and see.

Candy really doesn't seem to care a bit for me. I think she's more preoccupied with looking for her perfect gay friend than loooking for a relationship. Watching Sammi's movie actually reminded me of her, actually its the kissing scenes. She just looks so cute when she kissed Tony Leung. What I'd do to get a kiss like that from a pretty girl... Going back to Candy, well, as I've said, she's more interested in looking for the gay friend that I'd probably stand in the way of her dreams, so in the meantime, I think I should just pay attention to other things.

On a side note, I don't know why but I feel like I'm jealous whenever Jamie and Adnan are together. And I don't know whether I should be jealous of Adnan, or if I should be jealous of Jamie. Its just so annoying.

Can't do anything properly at this point in time. Too attached to an HK movie star I watched last Saturday night that I've been searching the net for two days looking for information on her. She's actually pretty, but when she puts on a lot of make-up, she looks pretty weird.

Her name's Cheng Sau Man (Zheng Xiu Wen in Mandarin), and she's caught my eye (and heart) for the past few days. I just can't get over her cuteness on the screen, especially after watching her play several roles where she's always going for the guy she wants. Looking closely at some of her pictures, she sort of reminds me of Charlene. Probably due to her nose being that "sharp"... Did I ever mention that Charlene has a sharp nose? She may have a cute round face that seems to scream "I'm small!!!", but then, that nose just accentuates her features even more.

Damn. Now that I think about it, I think the reason why I'm so drawn to her is because her characters just scream "Lassie" in one way or another, plus her passing resemblance to Charlene probably messes up my thought processes too much that I sort of fuse all three of them together. Of course, it could also be simply because I like the personalities that she portrays on screen too much, plus Sammi's face is simply irresistible to me.

I'm probably sounding like a strange HK movie fanatic, the last time I've been this attached to a movie star was after I watched Shanghai Knights, where I looked for Fann Wong (who turned out to be Singaporean). And before that, there was Cecilia Cheung, who portrayed some lovely roles onscreen as well. And before even that, there was Joey Wong Choi Yin of "A Chinese Ghost Story 3", and Rosamund Kwan Chi Lam of the Once Upon a Time in China Series...

Of course, I don't just recall all these information from my head. I'm looking at this cool site on the net right now, keeping Sammi Cheng's picture in one window for luck and inspiration (because I don't know how to get the picture and put it in the book), while looking for all the other information. It's interesting really, just that I don't need all this information right now because there's something more important that I have to do which I forgot because I'm so attached to her. But I don't blame her. Its my fault for actually forgetting to look for information on semiconductor foundries over the weekend.

So while I'm writing down stuff for the book, I'm also worrying about finding information about semiconductor foundries, and looking for information regarding quantum dot lasers which I haven't even done yet.

Busy, busy day. And I have less than an hour left...

Ah, Zheng Xiu Wen.

Lassie called up last night to ask about what's been happening in all the classes she's been missing. It was strange because she could always call up Hubert instead to ask these things. I tried to keep conversation light, seeing as I still had an exam that I haven't crammed for yet, and also to keep my feelings for her from re-emerging, but I really couldn't help myself. Especially when I started to explain which chapters she should study for, which presentations she should pay attention to. In the end, I managed to be cold to her, but truth to tell, I was really excited that she called me up. Even if she was only asking about schoolwork.

Eventually, probably because she hasn't been out for several days now, she recounted an incident that happened last Tuesday or so. There was a time wherein she found out that she couldn't breathe properly. Thinking that she was going to die (this was probably an exaggeration of true events), she was desperate to have anyone help her from her predicament. From out of nowhere, she figured that the best solution to her problem was to call up Mike and ask for some decongestant. And she stopped the story there. See, the point of her story was that she called up Mike. After a long time, she called up Mike. And that was it. I didn't even ask her if she did get the medicine that she was looking for (she did, her sister got the drugs from Mike, which begs the question why she didn't ask her sister to get the medicine instead), she was more excited telling the story of how she called up Mike after a long time.

And here I thought that she's totally over Mike ever since she asked me if she should forget the guy or not. I told her she should since she's only going nuts over that guy (I wouldn't want her to hut like I do because the guy she likes doesn't return th feelings she has). She agreed (probably because she's already asked other people about it too) but it would appear that she's never really forgotten him.

For some strange reason, Jamie hasn't said a single thing to me all day long... And I've just got this feeling that she might have an idea about what I feel for her. After all, there was a conversation between her and Adnan about getting together with someone (which I assumed to be me, since it couldn't be Sweet or anybody else) and she didn't want anything to do with that "someone", offering it instead to Adnan... as if she's told him that she knows something happened in the past.

I don't like it. Not only have I been losing my friends, but it seems like I'm being left out in the important things too. I have no idea what's happening to other people, focusing instead on trying to avoid them so that I won't get hurt when they push me away. No one's telling me anything important too, I'm not getting any new information about people. Its like I'm all alone with no one to turn to for help.

I'm tempted to say "I don't care. I can manage to live by myself, without letting little things bother me. I can survive whatever life throws at me." But the more I realize that I'm alone, the more I long for companionship. The more I long for people to interact with... This is just unbearable.

Looking through the archives of this book, I found out that the entries starting from April aren't up. Something's probably wrong with Blogger, but I trust that they'll take care of it. I wouldn't like all the things that I've written down to just be eaten up by the internet and be lost for all time. That would be a waste.

And to close today's entry, I feel like there's something wrong with Candy's obsession with homosexual men... I may not be in a position to say such, because I don't know her that well, much less make a comment about her obsession (if its an obsession all right), but still... that could be an issue if ever I decide to pursue her.

I have a feeling that I'll be failing in one of the exams that were given today... it turns out that the amount of study that I did last night wasn't enough for my second exam. I was more worried about the exam for the earlier class that I didn't notice that I'd almost neglected the other one. Its the first time in a long while that I'd left a lot of blank answers on an exam... the last one that I could remember doing that on purpose was on our final history exam in college, and that exam was meant to be HARD.

Damn, I've got to find a way to catch up quick to that exam. The topics weren't really that hard, it was just that I didn't get to even read a single word on the parts that I left blank. Damn. Its so annoying. And that was after I came in to school to study the rest of the topics that I didn't get to read last night... I should have spent more time reviewing for that exam...

Anyway. No sense crying over spilt milk. I'll just have to live with it.

Jamie's beside me as I'm writing in the book. Fortunately, she's busy doing her laboratory report that she can't even notice what I'm doing (I'm trying to delude myself here. Its more likely that she doesn't even care what in the world I'm doing)... I wonder how she'll react if she ever gets to read some of the things that I've been writing down here? It seems that I've been thinking about Jamie more than I'm thinking of Candy. If only Candy would at least make a hint meaning she misses me... but her blogs concentrate more on her life in Poveda with her friends, and how she misses her brother and how the world isn't fair, and how she'd love to have this anime guy, or that Japanese guy... sometimes, the things she writes about are just too much for me to take, and I lose hope that there might ever be anything between the two of us (plus the fact that she's going to be in the US, meaning we'll either have a long-distance relationship, or nothing at all...)

Going to another topic, I just remembered something that Destruction (from Neil Gaiman's "the Sandman")

"You forget nothing that is of interest to you, Dream. But you remember nothing about things you do not care for."

Or words to that effect. I remembered it while commuting to school this morning. Apparently, the same could be said of me (or anyone else for that matter)... Is this a good thing or a bad thing? In the case of Dream, the retort was meant to let him change. In my case, I think it means to stop thinking only about myself but to genuinely think about others. Probably should do something about this now that I've noticed it...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	Very High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Moderate
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Damn.

Didn't expect today's traffic to be THAT bad. I left my place at around 8 in the morning and got stuck for 2 hours in traffic. And where is that, you ask? In just about 2 blocks from the EDSA crossing in Cubao. I couldv'e slept through the entire trip and still wake up to find that I haven't reached school yet. In fact, I nearly came in late for my first class which was at 10 in the morning. If you still come in late to a class like that, then you're probably a lazy bastard... Fortunately, my teacher always starts the class later than it should.

On my way to class (I was running through the halls just to make sure that I didn't get late), I bumped into some nice girl who was also running somewhere else. Somehow, at the back of my mind, there was something that reminded me that running this recklessly might result in an accident. However, I didn't care -- my class was more important than some silly minor accident that I could fall in. Just when I was about to turn a corner, BAM! I knocked into the shoulder of said girl. I would have wanted to stop and apologize for accidentally running into her (I just bumped her shoulder, it seems that we both managed to stop earlier, and picked up momentum again when we sensed that the other stopped for a while), but, as I mentioned, I was running late. So I just waved out my apology to her in a hurry, and started running again. In hindsight, I think that today's incident was actually one of the classic styles of "meeting a girl"...

Unfortunately, because I came in to class late, I didn't have the time to do what I planned to do in this morning -- namely, an extra paper for said morning class that would have been translated into extra points, and my promised part in a laboratory report on Malus' Law (something to do about the polarization of light, and its intensity). I'll have to do that soon. Then catch up to two exams for tomorrow. I do hope that I manage to study everything that I need for tomorrow.

On a side note... a cold front seems to have formed again between me and Pai. I would probably hate to see it develop into a Dulce incident, but if things turn out that way, then I guess I have no choice but to accept it. If she doesn't want to do anything to keep our relationship as "best friends", if she expects that I'll be the only one to take steps to ensure that things go back to the way things were before, then I think that she'll just be disappointed.

On another side note... I don't know if this is correct, but I haven't contacted Candy for nearly a week now. I don't know if she's already forgotten what she feels for me (or if she felt anything special at all), but neither do I have the courage to take the next step... yet.

Still another side... Lassie's coming back to school soon. It seems her bout with chicken pox is over and she just needs a little more rest before she comes back. I heard that Hubert has already visited her at the dorm. I would have planned to do the same thing too, but it just might seem a little awkward, as she's never seen me as a friend, unlike the way she treats Hubert. I figure I might just upset her when I go there, or the gesture might be inappropriate. It might be better if I just ask her things impersonally -- through informal modes of communication, like SMS, casual questions, and the like. If I work myself up too much over her, I might make another mistake again. And I have no plans of repeating my mistakes at all.

Lastly, the toenail that I broke when I accidentally hard kicked a cement pillar during registration is already dead. I tried asking my doctor brother what to do with it, and he suggested cutting it out and letting new cells grow in its place. Today, I managed to get the courage to cut it down nearly to the root. When I thought that there was nothing more to cut, I tried pulling at the root and I felt a slight pain -- suggesting that the nail inside was still alive, and with luck, would grow out. Right now, my right index toe looks like Sadako's toe, with only the flesh left behind and nearly no nail at all. It looks gross and feels naked, but I figured, I lived through a broken nail before... I could live through it again. Hopefully, it does grow back, otherwise, I would have one bad toe to show to people (which would be a turn-off to most girls when they figure that out...)