Who am I anyway that people would listen to what I say? If people want to smoke, well they can do so all they want... I refuse to waste my time asking them to stop... There's no point, because no one would heed me anyways... If someone wants to burn her lungs out smoking three or four cigarettes in succession, its no longer my concern... If people with lung problems want to complicate their health, again, its none of my concern.
Right now, all I want are friends. That's right... I thought I found such people when I came into college. But after four years, I find that I'm mistaken. I never had a lot of friends, and it looks like I would leave college with only a select few being added to the list of people that I call friends.
Okay, to be fair, sure I call Yuso, Terence, and Adnan friends... And oftentimes, I take them for granted. But that's not my point, I'm do recognize them as my friends, but they aren't the people that I'm looking for... The people that I want to be friends with, are those people that I get disappointed with: Jamie, Lassie, and Pai. As well as Grace, Sweet, and even Dulce. Unfortunately, it looks like I just don't have any luck when it comes to friends... Maybe I ask too much, and obviously, not everything can go my way...
All right... I'm a little calmer now than I was when I started writing... Why am I so pissed off? Well...
I was supposed to have lunch with Pai today, because there was something that she wanted to say to me regarding a "misinterpretation" of an SMS she sent me during registration. I agreed, reluctantly, deciding that it was still better if I give her face, rather than stand her up on her offer and humiliate her (I'm totally disappointed in how she treats me as her "moo")... However, since she was the one who invited me, I let her decide where she wanted to have lunch and whether I would prefer to have other company. If she wanted to settle something privately, would having company be practical? But still I let her decide without telling her anything about my preferences. Eventually, I get stuck at Shakey's with Hubert and Nich, since apparently, she decided to tag along with the two. This wasn't a problem at all...
However, minutes after I get there, and even halfway into my lunch, she didn't even bother to say anything about what she wanted to talk to me about. I made a promise to myself that if she says nothing today, then I wouldn't say a thing at lunch either... And so the lunch went with nary a word about what she wanted to say to me coming out of her mouth. I close to felt that the lunch "meeting" or whatever that was I got invited to was a total waste of time, so I tried to enjoy myself with Hubert and Nich. Luckily it worked.
As we walked back to school, still nothing came from her. She didn't ask to talk to me privately, she didn't ask for anything at all. She was just laughing at how I made myself look like a fool. When we reached my class, they were surprised to see me leaving them behind. Of course I did that on purpose, to see what Pai's reaction would be... Nothing. When I got into my class, I sent her an SMS asking if there were anything that she wanted to talk to me about... No response.
It wasn't until I got out of class, an hour and a half after I left her did she tell me that she was still shy to ask me about certain things... Hello??? If she were shy, then what was the point of asking me so formally to have lunch and discuss about her problems?
Moments after that, I got pissed off.
To the side of the building driveway, was Jamie, smoking her half-finished Gudang from earlier on. Lana came around seconds later, to light up his own stick too. My blood started to boil, not only from the god-awful smell of the cigarette, but also from the fact that Jamie no longer knows how to stop smoking. I would've wanted to stop her, but then again, the last time I tried to do that, my efforts were all in vain. And when I saw Pai start fiddling around with Nich's pack of cigarettes, I blew my top. The people thought that I got pissed for being called Stitchking. They were wrong.
I lost my cool because not only was Jamie smoking, but Pai too. And in my presence to boot! If she were deliberately trying to piss me off, then congratulations to her because she succeeded. If she wants to make her lung condition worse, then I don't think there's anything I can do to stop her. As of this day, I will let smokers be, and hope they all die early for ignoring how other people are concerned for their health. Perhaps one of these days, I'd buy Jamie and Pai a pack each of cigarettes as a gift, and hope they use it as quickly as possible.
If anyone is wondering why its been so long since I wrote about Pai, well the best summary for that was given to me by Jonald a year ago:
"There is no reflection without importance."
After I solve the mystery of both the prank texter and emailer, I'll leave her alone to her own devices.
I just remembered that I had a dream recently where I thought that Dulce was calling my name. She was calling me playfully, as though she's already forgiven me for whatever "sin" I had done to her. I woke up in quite a good mood after that, despite the fact that such a thing occuring is the epitome of a dream. Well, when I saw her the first time this week, whatever it was I believed after that dream, was quickly shattered. Just as I expected.
Its amazing how I'm still more creative with the articles in the book than in the journal. I guess, the idea that I could write down everything here is liberating, unlike the other where the idea is interesting, but the content is entrapping.
Monday, June 23, 2003
Ah... finally able to write in this book again...
Designing the look of the other book is a little painful to me... Especially since I'm not exactly an expert when it comes to programming language. Its sometimes frustrating to keep on tweaking bits and parts of the whole just to make it look better, but its necessary. Sometimes, I wonder why Blogger doesn't simply use the other templates found in the old blogger... The new template designs simply are too ugly...
Ach. Enough of that. With a bit more free time, I'm sure I could tweak the other book into a better version.
I've been racking my brains recently on who could possibly be the new prank emailer in the college mailing list... It would have to be someone that was awake in the early hours of the morning (or simply kept late hours), and has easy access to the internet... I'm very tempted to say "so what?" they can all go to hell... But the good guy in me simply doesn't like what's been happening... So I have to try my best to help find the identity of the prank emailer. I'm pretty sure that if I can find who this new guy is, it would also be easier to figure out who the prank texter is...
Designing the look of the other book is a little painful to me... Especially since I'm not exactly an expert when it comes to programming language. Its sometimes frustrating to keep on tweaking bits and parts of the whole just to make it look better, but its necessary. Sometimes, I wonder why Blogger doesn't simply use the other templates found in the old blogger... The new template designs simply are too ugly...
Ach. Enough of that. With a bit more free time, I'm sure I could tweak the other book into a better version.
I've been racking my brains recently on who could possibly be the new prank emailer in the college mailing list... It would have to be someone that was awake in the early hours of the morning (or simply kept late hours), and has easy access to the internet... I'm very tempted to say "so what?" they can all go to hell... But the good guy in me simply doesn't like what's been happening... So I have to try my best to help find the identity of the prank emailer. I'm pretty sure that if I can find who this new guy is, it would also be easier to figure out who the prank texter is...
Thursday, June 19, 2003
Finally made another book that would record my actions. Its meant to be read by people I know, and for them to share their ideas. It'd be quite alright for my friends to read that book, so long as they steer clear of this one...
So what is the difference between this book and the other? The target reader. I plan on making this book my personal diary, while the second one is to be my journal. More public thoughts may be written down there, while more private thoughts would be put down here. Sometimes, if I have the time, some thoughts that have appeared in the other book might be explored further here. As I explore the theoretical aspects of a single thought in the other book, I would explore how I feel about the thought in here.
Hopefully, I would still be able to write as often as I do now.
So what is the difference between this book and the other? The target reader. I plan on making this book my personal diary, while the second one is to be my journal. More public thoughts may be written down there, while more private thoughts would be put down here. Sometimes, if I have the time, some thoughts that have appeared in the other book might be explored further here. As I explore the theoretical aspects of a single thought in the other book, I would explore how I feel about the thought in here.
Hopefully, I would still be able to write as often as I do now.
Why does Jamie need to smoke anyway, dammit?!?!
She's returning to her old habit of chain smoking again... and worse, I could sense that she's starting to become a nicotine addict herself. With no one to stop her from her smoking habit... I shudder to think what she'd become in the next few months...
I'm so tired of forcing my way into Grace and Co.'s group. I mean, there are other people that I could associate with, right? And with the way Grace and Co. are treating me, I feel like I'm trying so hard to be accepted that I'm starting to feel like a second Lassie... I guess I was never close to that group ever, since they're content on existing as just the four of them... I might as well go with those people who would be interested in going with me.
Been thinking about a few things last night... There's a lot that you can think of when you start to get lonely at home... After talking a bit with Adnan about what I shoud do in my life, I came to realize that I've got a ton of defense mechanisms in my head -- they're all there to hide the immense inferiority complex that I think I developed in the last few years of high school. As well as to support all the images that I've adopted in college.
Seriously, I hate to look weak. I hate it when I fail an exam, I hate it when I can't even perform a simple physical activity, I hate it when I lose to someone in a game... Generally, I hate it when I'm beaten. Because (I think) I feel like I'm going to get ridiculed and branded for life as a loser. My pride just can't take that. And when my pride gets laughed at, I tend to become irrational...
I realized that the first defense mechanism that I put up is my emotional barrier. I feign indifference and refuse to let any emotion take hold of me, save that of happiness. I refuse to get angry, I refuse to get sad, I refuse to get extremely excited, I refuse to feel hurt, I refuse to be afraid... Because I know that once an emotion grabs hold of me, my weaknesses would all show up, and that would make me look weak. So I try to block all emotions away and box in all of my own, unfortunately, some manage to break through -- especially those that relate to "love".
Second, when emotions do take me over, I tend to deny everything related to that emotion. This is probably due to the fact that I no longer wish to be ridiculed for what I feel, but more so to prevent the "other party" from ridiculing what I feel. As a child, I've felt that anyone unfortunate enough to be paired to me would either turn me down, or feel insulted that they've been paired up with me. As I grew up, I learned that if people do not know how I feel, then they wouldn't be able to hurt me. Over the years, this eventually expanded to include not only people, but objects as well...
Third, to be able to maintain my denials, I have to lie. A lot. I became quite good at lying that people tend to believe whatever I say, and sometimes I even manage to keep the truth from myself, believing instead the lie that I fabricated. I would have to guess that my friends wouldn't know how I would react in a situation, unless you make them use their instincts.
There are probably other defense mechanisms that I employ, such as withdrawing from an undesired stimulus, or even becoming a hypocrite by hating that which I do myself. However, I'm pretty sure that those I wrote down above are the most serious. I would probably need a shrink one of these days. To help me get rid of all the problems that I have. It would have to be someone that I don't know, but I could trust. Someone who doesn't know my friends, so that I would be in no danger of being discovered. I could probably ask Elbert, but that would give him an idea that I need help... Perhaps if I follow Adnan's advice and go to the school's guidance office...
She's returning to her old habit of chain smoking again... and worse, I could sense that she's starting to become a nicotine addict herself. With no one to stop her from her smoking habit... I shudder to think what she'd become in the next few months...
I'm so tired of forcing my way into Grace and Co.'s group. I mean, there are other people that I could associate with, right? And with the way Grace and Co. are treating me, I feel like I'm trying so hard to be accepted that I'm starting to feel like a second Lassie... I guess I was never close to that group ever, since they're content on existing as just the four of them... I might as well go with those people who would be interested in going with me.
Been thinking about a few things last night... There's a lot that you can think of when you start to get lonely at home... After talking a bit with Adnan about what I shoud do in my life, I came to realize that I've got a ton of defense mechanisms in my head -- they're all there to hide the immense inferiority complex that I think I developed in the last few years of high school. As well as to support all the images that I've adopted in college.
Seriously, I hate to look weak. I hate it when I fail an exam, I hate it when I can't even perform a simple physical activity, I hate it when I lose to someone in a game... Generally, I hate it when I'm beaten. Because (I think) I feel like I'm going to get ridiculed and branded for life as a loser. My pride just can't take that. And when my pride gets laughed at, I tend to become irrational...
I realized that the first defense mechanism that I put up is my emotional barrier. I feign indifference and refuse to let any emotion take hold of me, save that of happiness. I refuse to get angry, I refuse to get sad, I refuse to get extremely excited, I refuse to feel hurt, I refuse to be afraid... Because I know that once an emotion grabs hold of me, my weaknesses would all show up, and that would make me look weak. So I try to block all emotions away and box in all of my own, unfortunately, some manage to break through -- especially those that relate to "love".
Second, when emotions do take me over, I tend to deny everything related to that emotion. This is probably due to the fact that I no longer wish to be ridiculed for what I feel, but more so to prevent the "other party" from ridiculing what I feel. As a child, I've felt that anyone unfortunate enough to be paired to me would either turn me down, or feel insulted that they've been paired up with me. As I grew up, I learned that if people do not know how I feel, then they wouldn't be able to hurt me. Over the years, this eventually expanded to include not only people, but objects as well...
Third, to be able to maintain my denials, I have to lie. A lot. I became quite good at lying that people tend to believe whatever I say, and sometimes I even manage to keep the truth from myself, believing instead the lie that I fabricated. I would have to guess that my friends wouldn't know how I would react in a situation, unless you make them use their instincts.
There are probably other defense mechanisms that I employ, such as withdrawing from an undesired stimulus, or even becoming a hypocrite by hating that which I do myself. However, I'm pretty sure that those I wrote down above are the most serious. I would probably need a shrink one of these days. To help me get rid of all the problems that I have. It would have to be someone that I don't know, but I could trust. Someone who doesn't know my friends, so that I would be in no danger of being discovered. I could probably ask Elbert, but that would give him an idea that I need help... Perhaps if I follow Adnan's advice and go to the school's guidance office...
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
Finally took care of that runaway centering command that ruined the look of my book... Starting to love programming again, even if for just one day...
Came in to school to see that Elbert was sitting by the stairs drinking coffee. I was surprised to find out that he didn't go home last night to take care of some business deals. Apparently, the poor guy is starting to overwork himself again... and times like these, he really needs someone that could keep him company...
Unfortunately, the person whose company he's looking for isn't exactly giving him a chance, much less a glance. When Jamie arrived this morning, she was wondering who was the guy that we were talking to. I tried to give her a sign that it was a person that she wouldn't like to see, and I guess she got it, because she promptly went somewhere else (but very near where we were staying)... Actually, this morning was pretty interesting because people who didn't like each other arrived just seconds after each other. For example, Lassie arrived around 30 seconds after Jamie went into the building, while Grace at the same time, boarded off a tricycle coming from the direction that Lassie came from. A few more seconds later, Terence arrived from behind the building, and Dulce came in 10 seconds later. Dulce's arrival made me want to leave the place as early as possible, so I decided to go up to check on the Jamie and Co.
And what do I see as I arrive? Why, just a skinny girl who probably has a respiratory problem, enjoying a stick of Gudang Garang... because an ashtray just happened to be nearby. Of course, that's probably because she's pissed that the first thing she saw in the morning was something that upset her. And what does she tell me when I try to ask her to stop?
"What do you care? Would you stop what you're doing?"
Should I tell her that I wouldn't want her to get sick? That I wouldn't want her to drown her sorrows? Because there's no sense in doing that, when there are other people around her? That wouldn't work of course... Things never work out as they are depicted in manga... Its better if I just shut my mouth and let her do what she would want, because if she found out that I like her, I don't think that she would be pleased...
No one ever is.
Right now, my limb muscles are a little too tired from all the weight training that I did this afternoon with Borj. There was nothing else that I could think of to pass the time, might as well do something that would make my body feel alive... Right now, I'm regretting that decision, because my biceps, triceps, deltoids, and those leg muscles that flex when you walk all hurt like mad... I've got half a mind to sleep soon, but remembering what I said last night about resting, I wouldn't be surprised if I stay up until 12 midnight.
I need to find myself a few books to read soon. I'm starting to get bored here at home... and I'm thinking of going back to my other hobby other than gaming...
Came in to school to see that Elbert was sitting by the stairs drinking coffee. I was surprised to find out that he didn't go home last night to take care of some business deals. Apparently, the poor guy is starting to overwork himself again... and times like these, he really needs someone that could keep him company...
Unfortunately, the person whose company he's looking for isn't exactly giving him a chance, much less a glance. When Jamie arrived this morning, she was wondering who was the guy that we were talking to. I tried to give her a sign that it was a person that she wouldn't like to see, and I guess she got it, because she promptly went somewhere else (but very near where we were staying)... Actually, this morning was pretty interesting because people who didn't like each other arrived just seconds after each other. For example, Lassie arrived around 30 seconds after Jamie went into the building, while Grace at the same time, boarded off a tricycle coming from the direction that Lassie came from. A few more seconds later, Terence arrived from behind the building, and Dulce came in 10 seconds later. Dulce's arrival made me want to leave the place as early as possible, so I decided to go up to check on the Jamie and Co.
And what do I see as I arrive? Why, just a skinny girl who probably has a respiratory problem, enjoying a stick of Gudang Garang... because an ashtray just happened to be nearby. Of course, that's probably because she's pissed that the first thing she saw in the morning was something that upset her. And what does she tell me when I try to ask her to stop?
"What do you care? Would you stop what you're doing?"
Should I tell her that I wouldn't want her to get sick? That I wouldn't want her to drown her sorrows? Because there's no sense in doing that, when there are other people around her? That wouldn't work of course... Things never work out as they are depicted in manga... Its better if I just shut my mouth and let her do what she would want, because if she found out that I like her, I don't think that she would be pleased...
No one ever is.
Right now, my limb muscles are a little too tired from all the weight training that I did this afternoon with Borj. There was nothing else that I could think of to pass the time, might as well do something that would make my body feel alive... Right now, I'm regretting that decision, because my biceps, triceps, deltoids, and those leg muscles that flex when you walk all hurt like mad... I've got half a mind to sleep soon, but remembering what I said last night about resting, I wouldn't be surprised if I stay up until 12 midnight.
I need to find myself a few books to read soon. I'm starting to get bored here at home... and I'm thinking of going back to my other hobby other than gaming...
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
Now isn't this a tad more interesting? hehehe... The other results are pretty interesting too... But they aren't as evil as well...
You are Snow White
Deceiving, sweet and
graceful. Your charms help you get whatever
want. And you love strangers with a passion.
You are the most 'evil' of the Disney
Princesses, and you probably get it from a
wicked family member.
Secrets Revealed: Which Twisted Girl of Disney Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Yes, evil thoughts are consuming me lately...
Darkness...
You care little for others, and hold yourself high.
Yet your cruelty and fatality will master you.
Youll do whatever it takes to get by, but youd
face death before poverty.
Which element do you associate with?
brought to you by Quizilla
And 117 minutes (or 1 hour, 57 minutes later) and two silly quizzes later, I still am not yet resting... and my feet and arms are already showing signs of fatigue too... Zzzzzz....
Which reminds me... Its been sometime since I wrote something down about Pai... Maybe I would when I find some time...
You are Snow White
Deceiving, sweet and
graceful. Your charms help you get whatever
want. And you love strangers with a passion.
You are the most 'evil' of the Disney
Princesses, and you probably get it from a
wicked family member.
Secrets Revealed: Which Twisted Girl of Disney Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Yes, evil thoughts are consuming me lately...
Darkness...
You care little for others, and hold yourself high.
Yet your cruelty and fatality will master you.
Youll do whatever it takes to get by, but youd
face death before poverty.
Which element do you associate with?
brought to you by Quizilla
And 117 minutes (or 1 hour, 57 minutes later) and two silly quizzes later, I still am not yet resting... and my feet and arms are already showing signs of fatigue too... Zzzzzz....
Which reminds me... Its been sometime since I wrote something down about Pai... Maybe I would when I find some time...
My eyes feel really, really tired... despite the fact that I've read close to nothing for the entire day. Maybe its due to the amount of things that I've been reading on the net, or proabably due to the white screen glaring at me... Either way, my eyes are hurting, and in a few more minutes, I'll be putting them to rest, together with the rest of my body.
I saw Elbert having lunch with Lassie today -- which wasn't really that much of a surprise, seeing as how their keeping each other company for the past several weeks. Of course, this fact kept bugging Jamie, despite her efforts to deny that she was not the least bit interested in knowing that they were together or that she even knew them. She still hasn't gotten over Elbert, even though she keeps telling herself and everyone around her that she has. Elbert tried greeting her this afternoon, only to be brushed-off by Jamie, claiming that she didn't see him. Later on, Jamie started to smoke somewhere that Elbert could see. Probably to get back at him for going out with Lassie -- the classic story of jealousy. Disgruntled, Elbert left the place (to Jamie's joy).
I tried confronting Jamie about her smoking. Especially since I know that she purposely smoked on that building just so that Elbert could see. She tried telling me all sorts of lies, but anyone could easily see through them... Lana suggested that I should wait for the proper time to confront her, to which I responded by walking away from them... If she wants to smoke, I can't do a thing to stop her, especially since I'm no match for her ex-boyfriend...
Lassie on the other hand, well... She's probably pissed by the fact that some of her old "friends" would only talk to her if Grace and Co. weren't around. Otherwise, no one would even pay her attention. Serves her right -- she's never known how to treat her "friends" other than Grace and Co. the right way anyway, and now that almost everyone has left her, she's got no one left to turn to... Other than Elbert and Siena that is... Two people who probably don't know that there are people who no longer like Lassie's company.
Who would want to? I myself no longer know if she's lying or telling the truth -- or if she even told the truth to me in the first place or if she just told me lies from the start. She's probably a better liar than I am, because she refuses to accept the truth, or because she's never told the truth. At this point, I no longer care for her... I'm tired of being around for her just when she needs company... Not that I'm going to refuse her any help, just that she'll have to ask properly, and that I would no longer volunteer any assistance.
I would much rather devote all my attention to Jamie probably. Unfortunately, I'd have to find a way to jump over a certain obstacle in her mind named Elbert... I would probably have no chance, since I probably have no quality that would win over Elbert, but i have this nagging feeling that I should try. Perhaps when things have cooled down a little bit, when she no longer cares if Lassie and Elbert are together...
Maybe... When I convince myself that I can actually hurdle that obstacle... When I convince myself that I could become a part of Jamie's life... When I feel that Jamie is starting to open up to me, in the same way that she opened up for Elbert... Because I don't feel like an indispensible friend to her yet...
Maybe I'm dreaming... yeah, that's it...
As usual, Terence and Dulce had a "misunderstanding" today. I wouldn't really care what's playing around Dulce's mind, but I pity Terence. I've got half a mind to tell him to ditch Dulce, but that would devastate him (and her, not that I should care)... besides, he's not yet prepared to drop the relationship at this point (who would be, anyway?) and forcing him to do that would only ruin his mind... However, I do believe that their relationship needs a little work. They've been together for over a year already, and unfortunately, one or both of them have yet to adjust to the other... It seems that Terence still doesn't know what Dulce is really looking for in their relationship, and Dulce seems to be looking for more and more things that are not in Terence... Poor guy, he doesn't know what to do to the girl when he is no longer angry at her...
I wonder what went wrong along the way...
Finished reading L5R's Wind of War. To tell the truth, the two books that I've read aren't too engaging for me. They seem to tell about personal things of the Winds, instead of how they are shaping the empire... The books are shedding too much light on the characters of the Winds, but they aren't doing that would show how the Winds themselves have shed light on the empire... Especially the Wind of War. He was caught up in a defense of a nameless village located between Scorpion and Lion territory, yet never progressed from there -- what else did he do? How did he manage to obtain the Yasuki lands being contested by the Crab and Crane lands? Or if he were really a "people's champion", how does he govern the Yasuki lands seeing as how its a hotbed of political activity between two clans? Just showing how he has accepted his destiny as the Emperor's Bastard Child doesn't mean that people would understand how he would handle himself eventually... The second book was a little more disappointing than the first, because at least in the first book, there was a part that showed how Toturi Tsudao handled a problematic well-known personality... I would have liked to see how Akodo Kaneka would handle Yasuki Hachi, or how he managed to garner the support of the militant clans (Lion, Crab, Mantis, Unicorn, and some Scorpion)... Similarly, perhaps it would have been better if there was a scene that would play on the recent cooperation between the Crane and the Phoenix in either book (preferrably in the first, since these two clans cooperated under the request of Tsudao...).
What in the world am I doing? Why did a book review suddenly appear in this book? Man, the random things that you suddenly think of when you're tired would really surprise you more than those you could think of when you're bored...
My mother insisted that she wanted to hear a certain ringing tone on my mobile phone. I told her that there would be no difference since the tone was monophonic -- meaning there was only one "instrument' being played on different pitches or tones. She insisted that she wanted to hear it on my phone. I refused of course, since I don't want her touching my phone again, lest I remember what I hate her for... Because my father was in the room as well, I had no choice but to allow her to do what she likes.
Fortunately for me, her mobile phone has no means of transferring that ring tone to my phone! Ha! How's that for luck? She tried convincing me otherwise, but there was simply no way for her...
What ring tone was that? I believe it was the ending theme of "Meteor Garden"... Like I would allow her to send me such things...
I just realized that my mom would probably be unfazed if I try to spring to her that I know of her relationship with my hateful uncle... After all, she and my dad aren't legally married, despite the fact that they've already been together for over 7 years (nearly 31 years by now, probably), plus, she doesn't fuss about my dad's "other" business in his hometown. I guess the best I could do would be to threaten her about giving the knowledge to the wife of my hateful uncle... and let all hell break loose from there.
But that can wait... When I've managed to see who this other guy she's seeing is... Robert, you might as well hide yourself and your activities from me... Because if I catch you... You will pay.
I can now probably understand why the last time I took Dante's Inferno test would give me "Extreme" results for the "wrathful" as well as "violent" levels... in addition to the "liar" level... the thoughts that I'm entertaining in the past few months aren't exactly the same as those that I had before... I have changed alright, but probably not for the better...
I saw Elbert having lunch with Lassie today -- which wasn't really that much of a surprise, seeing as how their keeping each other company for the past several weeks. Of course, this fact kept bugging Jamie, despite her efforts to deny that she was not the least bit interested in knowing that they were together or that she even knew them. She still hasn't gotten over Elbert, even though she keeps telling herself and everyone around her that she has. Elbert tried greeting her this afternoon, only to be brushed-off by Jamie, claiming that she didn't see him. Later on, Jamie started to smoke somewhere that Elbert could see. Probably to get back at him for going out with Lassie -- the classic story of jealousy. Disgruntled, Elbert left the place (to Jamie's joy).
I tried confronting Jamie about her smoking. Especially since I know that she purposely smoked on that building just so that Elbert could see. She tried telling me all sorts of lies, but anyone could easily see through them... Lana suggested that I should wait for the proper time to confront her, to which I responded by walking away from them... If she wants to smoke, I can't do a thing to stop her, especially since I'm no match for her ex-boyfriend...
Lassie on the other hand, well... She's probably pissed by the fact that some of her old "friends" would only talk to her if Grace and Co. weren't around. Otherwise, no one would even pay her attention. Serves her right -- she's never known how to treat her "friends" other than Grace and Co. the right way anyway, and now that almost everyone has left her, she's got no one left to turn to... Other than Elbert and Siena that is... Two people who probably don't know that there are people who no longer like Lassie's company.
Who would want to? I myself no longer know if she's lying or telling the truth -- or if she even told the truth to me in the first place or if she just told me lies from the start. She's probably a better liar than I am, because she refuses to accept the truth, or because she's never told the truth. At this point, I no longer care for her... I'm tired of being around for her just when she needs company... Not that I'm going to refuse her any help, just that she'll have to ask properly, and that I would no longer volunteer any assistance.
I would much rather devote all my attention to Jamie probably. Unfortunately, I'd have to find a way to jump over a certain obstacle in her mind named Elbert... I would probably have no chance, since I probably have no quality that would win over Elbert, but i have this nagging feeling that I should try. Perhaps when things have cooled down a little bit, when she no longer cares if Lassie and Elbert are together...
Maybe... When I convince myself that I can actually hurdle that obstacle... When I convince myself that I could become a part of Jamie's life... When I feel that Jamie is starting to open up to me, in the same way that she opened up for Elbert... Because I don't feel like an indispensible friend to her yet...
Maybe I'm dreaming... yeah, that's it...
As usual, Terence and Dulce had a "misunderstanding" today. I wouldn't really care what's playing around Dulce's mind, but I pity Terence. I've got half a mind to tell him to ditch Dulce, but that would devastate him (and her, not that I should care)... besides, he's not yet prepared to drop the relationship at this point (who would be, anyway?) and forcing him to do that would only ruin his mind... However, I do believe that their relationship needs a little work. They've been together for over a year already, and unfortunately, one or both of them have yet to adjust to the other... It seems that Terence still doesn't know what Dulce is really looking for in their relationship, and Dulce seems to be looking for more and more things that are not in Terence... Poor guy, he doesn't know what to do to the girl when he is no longer angry at her...
I wonder what went wrong along the way...
Finished reading L5R's Wind of War. To tell the truth, the two books that I've read aren't too engaging for me. They seem to tell about personal things of the Winds, instead of how they are shaping the empire... The books are shedding too much light on the characters of the Winds, but they aren't doing that would show how the Winds themselves have shed light on the empire... Especially the Wind of War. He was caught up in a defense of a nameless village located between Scorpion and Lion territory, yet never progressed from there -- what else did he do? How did he manage to obtain the Yasuki lands being contested by the Crab and Crane lands? Or if he were really a "people's champion", how does he govern the Yasuki lands seeing as how its a hotbed of political activity between two clans? Just showing how he has accepted his destiny as the Emperor's Bastard Child doesn't mean that people would understand how he would handle himself eventually... The second book was a little more disappointing than the first, because at least in the first book, there was a part that showed how Toturi Tsudao handled a problematic well-known personality... I would have liked to see how Akodo Kaneka would handle Yasuki Hachi, or how he managed to garner the support of the militant clans (Lion, Crab, Mantis, Unicorn, and some Scorpion)... Similarly, perhaps it would have been better if there was a scene that would play on the recent cooperation between the Crane and the Phoenix in either book (preferrably in the first, since these two clans cooperated under the request of Tsudao...).
What in the world am I doing? Why did a book review suddenly appear in this book? Man, the random things that you suddenly think of when you're tired would really surprise you more than those you could think of when you're bored...
My mother insisted that she wanted to hear a certain ringing tone on my mobile phone. I told her that there would be no difference since the tone was monophonic -- meaning there was only one "instrument' being played on different pitches or tones. She insisted that she wanted to hear it on my phone. I refused of course, since I don't want her touching my phone again, lest I remember what I hate her for... Because my father was in the room as well, I had no choice but to allow her to do what she likes.
Fortunately for me, her mobile phone has no means of transferring that ring tone to my phone! Ha! How's that for luck? She tried convincing me otherwise, but there was simply no way for her...
What ring tone was that? I believe it was the ending theme of "Meteor Garden"... Like I would allow her to send me such things...
I just realized that my mom would probably be unfazed if I try to spring to her that I know of her relationship with my hateful uncle... After all, she and my dad aren't legally married, despite the fact that they've already been together for over 7 years (nearly 31 years by now, probably), plus, she doesn't fuss about my dad's "other" business in his hometown. I guess the best I could do would be to threaten her about giving the knowledge to the wife of my hateful uncle... and let all hell break loose from there.
But that can wait... When I've managed to see who this other guy she's seeing is... Robert, you might as well hide yourself and your activities from me... Because if I catch you... You will pay.
I can now probably understand why the last time I took Dante's Inferno test would give me "Extreme" results for the "wrathful" as well as "violent" levels... in addition to the "liar" level... the thoughts that I'm entertaining in the past few months aren't exactly the same as those that I had before... I have changed alright, but probably not for the better...
Sunday, June 15, 2003
Ah.. four days after I last wrote down something...
Today is the first day of classes for the university that I'm studying in... However, my classes actually start tomorrow . So all I have to do today is lounge about and try to see if anyone is as crazy as I am to come in to school for no reason whatsoever. Its pretty much a nice day, except for the fact that it looks like rain, and I have nothing to protect myself from a sudden downpour.
Yesterday was Father's Day. For some strange reason, I don't feel like there was anything special about yesterday... My family didn't go malling (but that's because they didn't tell me earlier that they wanted to...) for once, and thankfully, I didn't get to spend a weekend night with my hateful uncle (who I had to greet yesterday, reluctantly).
Jamie's smoking again. After several weeks worth of abstaining due to "lack of money". I've got half a heart to buy her a pack every month, but also half a mind to ask her to stop.The things that your heart can make your mind do when its stuck with someone... I can't stand the thought of loving/ getting "obsessed" with someone again. I don't think my feelings would ever be reciprocated. As much as I'd like Jamie to return the feelings, I don't think we could have a decent relationship without my having to part with her... The problem with Chinese tradition is that you have to go with someone who is also Chinese. So if I get to the part where I'm asked "what would you do if your parents disapprove of our relationship", I don't know what I would do. I feel like I've already fallen in love, yet I don't seem to comprehend what love is... How sad.
I'm glad that I'm starting to rant less and less about the people that I'm spending time with, mainly due to the fact that I've been stuck to the TV screen for the duration of my summer break. I find myself missing their company, yet at the same time, resenting them. After all, I never felt like an important part of their lives, except for Adnan of course, who I don't want to bother because he has other problems worth giving his attention to (of course, I recall promising myself that I'm no longer going to write about depressing things about my college friends, and seeing as how this topic has surfaced in this book several times already with no apparent solution yet, I'm going to drop it now).
Come Sunday this week, my ex-girlfriend Charlene is going to get married.She's asking me to attend, but I still don't know if I'm going to attend both the wedding ceremony and the reception, or just one of the two. Besides, I don't think I can stay too long in either case since its a Sunday, and my dad would insist that I stay at home or spend time with them. Plus, I don't think that I would be meeting a lot of familiar faces on that day, so I don't see too much of a reason to stay too long. Perhaps I'll just attend the wedding ceremony and skip out on the reception dinner.
I'm no longer thinking of Candy these days, though I do pass by her blog. She's probably forgot about me by now... And I miss her occasionally. But ts not too much of a hassle anymore.
Perhaps later, when I find nothing else to do in school, I'll pass by my high school and chat with some of the teachers there.
Today is the first day of classes for the university that I'm studying in... However, my classes actually start tomorrow . So all I have to do today is lounge about and try to see if anyone is as crazy as I am to come in to school for no reason whatsoever. Its pretty much a nice day, except for the fact that it looks like rain, and I have nothing to protect myself from a sudden downpour.
Yesterday was Father's Day. For some strange reason, I don't feel like there was anything special about yesterday... My family didn't go malling (but that's because they didn't tell me earlier that they wanted to...) for once, and thankfully, I didn't get to spend a weekend night with my hateful uncle (who I had to greet yesterday, reluctantly).
Jamie's smoking again. After several weeks worth of abstaining due to "lack of money". I've got half a heart to buy her a pack every month, but also half a mind to ask her to stop.The things that your heart can make your mind do when its stuck with someone... I can't stand the thought of loving/ getting "obsessed" with someone again. I don't think my feelings would ever be reciprocated. As much as I'd like Jamie to return the feelings, I don't think we could have a decent relationship without my having to part with her... The problem with Chinese tradition is that you have to go with someone who is also Chinese. So if I get to the part where I'm asked "what would you do if your parents disapprove of our relationship", I don't know what I would do. I feel like I've already fallen in love, yet I don't seem to comprehend what love is... How sad.
I'm glad that I'm starting to rant less and less about the people that I'm spending time with, mainly due to the fact that I've been stuck to the TV screen for the duration of my summer break. I find myself missing their company, yet at the same time, resenting them. After all, I never felt like an important part of their lives, except for Adnan of course, who I don't want to bother because he has other problems worth giving his attention to (of course, I recall promising myself that I'm no longer going to write about depressing things about my college friends, and seeing as how this topic has surfaced in this book several times already with no apparent solution yet, I'm going to drop it now).
Come Sunday this week, my ex-girlfriend Charlene is going to get married.She's asking me to attend, but I still don't know if I'm going to attend both the wedding ceremony and the reception, or just one of the two. Besides, I don't think I can stay too long in either case since its a Sunday, and my dad would insist that I stay at home or spend time with them. Plus, I don't think that I would be meeting a lot of familiar faces on that day, so I don't see too much of a reason to stay too long. Perhaps I'll just attend the wedding ceremony and skip out on the reception dinner.
I'm no longer thinking of Candy these days, though I do pass by her blog. She's probably forgot about me by now... And I miss her occasionally. But ts not too much of a hassle anymore.
Perhaps later, when I find nothing else to do in school, I'll pass by my high school and chat with some of the teachers there.
Thursday, June 12, 2003
You come from the Night Sky. You're drawn to the
stars and planets, and it's no wonder why, you
came from them.
Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla
So, does this make me an ET, or what?
You are Lamentations.
Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Boohoohoo.... life is so unfair... *prrssssst*... why was I abandoned?... *waaaaaaahhhhhh*... (interesting, although I think the choices are a little too leading...)
The Withered Lover
What sign of the Black Zodiac are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
I'd like to watch the movie "Thirteen Ghosts", one of these days. When I find a clear copy of it...
You are a bare wall. You dont have much of an
imagination when it comes to having things
exciting or different in youre life. You like
things simple and uncomplicated. Whatever
floats your boat.
What Type Of Wall Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Yup... so bare, you could see everything.
I guess its pretty hard to maintain a book that keeps your thoughts when you're doing your best to not do any thinking... It makes perfect sense, really -- what is there to keep when there is no thinking? I'd like to fill this book up with all sorts of articles, soon enough, probably, when I get to think of something interesting to write down. In the meantime, I'll probably be enjoying the rest of my summer break degrading my brain and my IQ...
Speaking of degrading your IQ, I once heard from a high school classmate that reading comics lowers your IQ...
Of course, I just laughed at the comment and labeled that person as a close-minded individual... How could comics lower your IQ? Would it eat away at your brain? Would it delete all the knowledge that you've accumulated over the years like a computer virus?
Nearly four years later, I find myself steadily becoming dumber. And I think to myself -- "Do comics really lower your IQ?"
I still don't think so. Otherwise, with the amount of comics that I read in a year, I should probably be a vegetable or an animal by now...
Speaking of degrading your IQ, I once heard from a high school classmate that reading comics lowers your IQ...
Of course, I just laughed at the comment and labeled that person as a close-minded individual... How could comics lower your IQ? Would it eat away at your brain? Would it delete all the knowledge that you've accumulated over the years like a computer virus?
Nearly four years later, I find myself steadily becoming dumber. And I think to myself -- "Do comics really lower your IQ?"
I still don't think so. Otherwise, with the amount of comics that I read in a year, I should probably be a vegetable or an animal by now...
Monday, June 09, 2003
Writing down less and less in the past few days. Feels like my brain is starting to rot from all the ps2 games that I've been playing. I really should stop myself soon, but if I do, I'd have to find a new means of wasting my time, seeing as how I'm not allowed to go out without any important stuff to do.
Actually, I feel like I've got a lot of stuff to write down, seeing as how this book is supposed to keep my thoughts. The problem is in the writing. By the time that I get an idea for me to write down, I usually am already in bed, a few minutes away from drifting to la-la land... or dreamland... or time-slip land, or something. Either that, or I'm still playing some game on the ps2 which eats up a lot more time than my sleep.
Plus, I've got this obsessive behavior of trying to write in a specific style to preserve a certain sense of "order" or "cohesion" in the articles (its probably my third OC behavior, next to my "collector", and "balance" mentality). I just realized that its a big mistake, seeing as how personally, I seem to suffer from MPD (multiple personality disorder). In other words, it would be perfectly natural if I write like a hateful bastard today, and write like a contemplative scholar tomorrow (or a calm individual on the day after)... I always tell people that my reaction to a specific situation would depend on the mood I am in -- now it seems like I'm trying to shape myself into a specific, predictable person.
This is the nice thing about the book -- I could just write almost anything down, and I would suddenly look at other articles and suddenly be surprised on some that I can't believe I personally wrote down. Right now, it looks like a journal that would much better be submitted to a psychologist (or psycho-analyst, I can't remember the difference) in order to find the problem in me. However, the existence of this article proves that I am still sane -- that I could still be a decent person to talk to, and not a slavering beast controlled only by his instincts.
As a writer, I don't seem to have any other tricks other than to write about things that I know. People say that its the right approach -- you can't write about things that you don't know anyway -- but I could definitely remember that as a child, I would always write all sorts of things that I have absolutely no idea of, and they would still come out to be interesting. I take it that this means I'm starting to be a bad liar, or that I'm losing a lot on my imaginativeness. I always thought that it would be better to be completely honest, now I realize that I miss lying...
Speaking of honesty and lying, it turns out that my mother seems to have another affair outside of my uncle. I don't know if its just a hunch though, since I've never even met the guy (and he seems to be the one that is interested, and not my mom) and I don't even know what's his relation to my mom. Nevertheless, I'm almost about to agree with my sister's suggestion of tormenting her and my uncle. I've even managed to imagine a few scenarios that might happen if my plan comes to fruition (hehe, froo-ee-shun, interesting funny word). I just don't know if they can take a hint though (in management terms, an activity wherein you know everything but the result is called a "risk").
Risky, yes. Whatever interesting isn't a risk anyway? And if it no longer is a risk, is it still interesting? Or fun? Probably yes, probably not. Probably depends on the situation. See, there's a lot of thought matter that would just love to come out on the page, they're all just being restricted for some time. When I get even more free time, this book would be filled again!
Haha!! Fill!
Going back to affairs, it seems like my father also has other affairs -- seeing as how he's also receiving all sorts of strange messages in his mobile phone. Strange would probably be the wrong word, as it isn't the least bit strange to him. I would probably figure out the truth once my mobile phone returns to me in the near future -- in much the same way that I discovered my mom recently. When that happens, I just wouldn't know what to do with my family -- would I still trust them, or would I simply live with untrustworthy people?
Maybe that's the reason that I don't exude an aura of trustworthiness. I've been raised in the company of hypocrites! My mother and father always tell me to mean what I say, and to tell the truth when talking to them, yet they hide all forms of lies behind them. I feel like a spider invading into another spider's web, knowing every nook and cranny there is to know in this new web, yet not revealing my own. Sooner or later, I would probably eat the old spider in order to have this web for myself... But I don't think that is possible -- what would I get if I eliminate my parents from my life other than assurance that they would no longer betray my trust in them?
No, I guess playing along with their game would be the best solution in this case. So long as I obtain some benefits from them, perhaps it would be best if I try to get along with them.
Of course, I can also say that "a child can do nothing but obey the parents"... A ton of nonsense, I would argue, but then again, children still owe their parents for their lives.
One of these days, I would probably write something that is more coherent. In the meantime, I would be contented that there is a new article on the book...
I just remembered that Aleister Crowley once called the Bible as "The Book of Lies and Half-Truths"... perhaps one of these days, I would rename my book as the Bible. Just to piss off religious people. I love it when zealots try to do everything they can to make a non-believer eat his words, when they do nothing to make the world a better place anyway... But then, renaming my book would probably just get all sorts of unwanted attention...
Actually, I feel like I've got a lot of stuff to write down, seeing as how this book is supposed to keep my thoughts. The problem is in the writing. By the time that I get an idea for me to write down, I usually am already in bed, a few minutes away from drifting to la-la land... or dreamland... or time-slip land, or something. Either that, or I'm still playing some game on the ps2 which eats up a lot more time than my sleep.
Plus, I've got this obsessive behavior of trying to write in a specific style to preserve a certain sense of "order" or "cohesion" in the articles (its probably my third OC behavior, next to my "collector", and "balance" mentality). I just realized that its a big mistake, seeing as how personally, I seem to suffer from MPD (multiple personality disorder). In other words, it would be perfectly natural if I write like a hateful bastard today, and write like a contemplative scholar tomorrow (or a calm individual on the day after)... I always tell people that my reaction to a specific situation would depend on the mood I am in -- now it seems like I'm trying to shape myself into a specific, predictable person.
This is the nice thing about the book -- I could just write almost anything down, and I would suddenly look at other articles and suddenly be surprised on some that I can't believe I personally wrote down. Right now, it looks like a journal that would much better be submitted to a psychologist (or psycho-analyst, I can't remember the difference) in order to find the problem in me. However, the existence of this article proves that I am still sane -- that I could still be a decent person to talk to, and not a slavering beast controlled only by his instincts.
As a writer, I don't seem to have any other tricks other than to write about things that I know. People say that its the right approach -- you can't write about things that you don't know anyway -- but I could definitely remember that as a child, I would always write all sorts of things that I have absolutely no idea of, and they would still come out to be interesting. I take it that this means I'm starting to be a bad liar, or that I'm losing a lot on my imaginativeness. I always thought that it would be better to be completely honest, now I realize that I miss lying...
Speaking of honesty and lying, it turns out that my mother seems to have another affair outside of my uncle. I don't know if its just a hunch though, since I've never even met the guy (and he seems to be the one that is interested, and not my mom) and I don't even know what's his relation to my mom. Nevertheless, I'm almost about to agree with my sister's suggestion of tormenting her and my uncle. I've even managed to imagine a few scenarios that might happen if my plan comes to fruition (hehe, froo-ee-shun, interesting funny word). I just don't know if they can take a hint though (in management terms, an activity wherein you know everything but the result is called a "risk").
Risky, yes. Whatever interesting isn't a risk anyway? And if it no longer is a risk, is it still interesting? Or fun? Probably yes, probably not. Probably depends on the situation. See, there's a lot of thought matter that would just love to come out on the page, they're all just being restricted for some time. When I get even more free time, this book would be filled again!
Haha!! Fill!
Going back to affairs, it seems like my father also has other affairs -- seeing as how he's also receiving all sorts of strange messages in his mobile phone. Strange would probably be the wrong word, as it isn't the least bit strange to him. I would probably figure out the truth once my mobile phone returns to me in the near future -- in much the same way that I discovered my mom recently. When that happens, I just wouldn't know what to do with my family -- would I still trust them, or would I simply live with untrustworthy people?
Maybe that's the reason that I don't exude an aura of trustworthiness. I've been raised in the company of hypocrites! My mother and father always tell me to mean what I say, and to tell the truth when talking to them, yet they hide all forms of lies behind them. I feel like a spider invading into another spider's web, knowing every nook and cranny there is to know in this new web, yet not revealing my own. Sooner or later, I would probably eat the old spider in order to have this web for myself... But I don't think that is possible -- what would I get if I eliminate my parents from my life other than assurance that they would no longer betray my trust in them?
No, I guess playing along with their game would be the best solution in this case. So long as I obtain some benefits from them, perhaps it would be best if I try to get along with them.
Of course, I can also say that "a child can do nothing but obey the parents"... A ton of nonsense, I would argue, but then again, children still owe their parents for their lives.
One of these days, I would probably write something that is more coherent. In the meantime, I would be contented that there is a new article on the book...
I just remembered that Aleister Crowley once called the Bible as "The Book of Lies and Half-Truths"... perhaps one of these days, I would rename my book as the Bible. Just to piss off religious people. I love it when zealots try to do everything they can to make a non-believer eat his words, when they do nothing to make the world a better place anyway... But then, renaming my book would probably just get all sorts of unwanted attention...
Thursday, June 05, 2003
Got my grades yesterday for my summer classes. I did get good grades for this year's summer class...
Unfortunately, I had to shell out a nice amount of money on transportation. I mistook the date for wednesday to be friday's, and when I realized my mistake, I had to hurry to school. The usual time that grades are given out to students is around 8 - 10 AM. I left the house at past nine, and knowing that I'd arrive in school later than 10 if I took a jeep, I decided to take a cab instead.
It turned out that the travel time took almost the same amount of time, for 16 times the amount of money I'd be spending on a jeep. And I wasn't late because the freaking people in charge of distributing the grades, started giving them at around 10 AM... Talk about wasting a lot of money.
Plus, the "smart" people there didn't even think of giving registration forms at the same day as giving course cards. I was already pissed at having to spend a lot of money for almost nothing that I didn't even bother to ask why, but from what I heard, it had something to do with maintaining "order".
Well, they can take that "order" of theirs, shine it up nice, and stick it straight up their sorry asses! Because they distributed regforms at the same time with course cards for the past two years, and it was far, far more orderly than this year. Not to mention less annoying. At least, people wouldn't have to line up the next day just to get their registration forms and deal with inefficient registration committees.
Can you imagine being asked to line up early in the morning just to get a registration form when you could have obtained it easily the previous day? At least you wouldn't have to spend more time doing something unnecessary...
And the lines at the venue were just confusing. The signboards that signalled the divisions of people on the lines were set up on ropes. It would actually be hard to figure out if you're supposed to line up to the left or to the right of the rope. Had to spend an annoying amount of time on the wrong line because I mistook it to be mine. And after being given your reg form, you'd be blocked near the exit to be given a most useless survey sheet regarding items to be put on a yearbook and giving ratings to teachers over the summer. It would have been much better if they simply picked random people to give the survey sheets to, instead of requiring everyone to do it, and as a threat (or a failsafe) to ensure that students would fill up the sheet, students wouldn't be able to finish their registration if they fail to submit the survey.
And just before exiting the venue, there would be another person that would stop you from leaving the area to check if you've already obtained your registration form...
Well, duh! Einstein... People wouldn't go there if they didn't get their forms would they?
Finally, I can't believe that a good number of seniors would have to go back to school on tuesday just to finalize their classes. It turns out that the theology department ran out of slots to accomodate some students because there were a number of classes that were still "TBA" -- couldn't they have done something about it today so that students wouldn't have to go back on tuesday? I mean, I'm so disgusted at the stupidity that I've seen in my school today. I can understand why I'd have to return on tuesday, because I'm signing up for a delayed class (damnable theology) , but what about other people?
Unfortunately, I had to shell out a nice amount of money on transportation. I mistook the date for wednesday to be friday's, and when I realized my mistake, I had to hurry to school. The usual time that grades are given out to students is around 8 - 10 AM. I left the house at past nine, and knowing that I'd arrive in school later than 10 if I took a jeep, I decided to take a cab instead.
It turned out that the travel time took almost the same amount of time, for 16 times the amount of money I'd be spending on a jeep. And I wasn't late because the freaking people in charge of distributing the grades, started giving them at around 10 AM... Talk about wasting a lot of money.
Plus, the "smart" people there didn't even think of giving registration forms at the same day as giving course cards. I was already pissed at having to spend a lot of money for almost nothing that I didn't even bother to ask why, but from what I heard, it had something to do with maintaining "order".
Well, they can take that "order" of theirs, shine it up nice, and stick it straight up their sorry asses! Because they distributed regforms at the same time with course cards for the past two years, and it was far, far more orderly than this year. Not to mention less annoying. At least, people wouldn't have to line up the next day just to get their registration forms and deal with inefficient registration committees.
Can you imagine being asked to line up early in the morning just to get a registration form when you could have obtained it easily the previous day? At least you wouldn't have to spend more time doing something unnecessary...
And the lines at the venue were just confusing. The signboards that signalled the divisions of people on the lines were set up on ropes. It would actually be hard to figure out if you're supposed to line up to the left or to the right of the rope. Had to spend an annoying amount of time on the wrong line because I mistook it to be mine. And after being given your reg form, you'd be blocked near the exit to be given a most useless survey sheet regarding items to be put on a yearbook and giving ratings to teachers over the summer. It would have been much better if they simply picked random people to give the survey sheets to, instead of requiring everyone to do it, and as a threat (or a failsafe) to ensure that students would fill up the sheet, students wouldn't be able to finish their registration if they fail to submit the survey.
And just before exiting the venue, there would be another person that would stop you from leaving the area to check if you've already obtained your registration form...
Well, duh! Einstein... People wouldn't go there if they didn't get their forms would they?
Finally, I can't believe that a good number of seniors would have to go back to school on tuesday just to finalize their classes. It turns out that the theology department ran out of slots to accomodate some students because there were a number of classes that were still "TBA" -- couldn't they have done something about it today so that students wouldn't have to go back on tuesday? I mean, I'm so disgusted at the stupidity that I've seen in my school today. I can understand why I'd have to return on tuesday, because I'm signing up for a delayed class (damnable theology) , but what about other people?
Saturday, May 31, 2003
It seems that I've repressed all my thoughts for the past few days. Its probably due to mental fatigue, having to take care of the last few school projects can sometimes take their toll on me. Thankfully, the amount of attention I've given to my schoolwork paid off. I got a high grade for the first time on a physics subject, and I've managed to finish programming an ASIC by myself for the first time in 3 years. Er, not entirely by myself, I had a bit of help in cleaning out the bugs in that program, and I had a good group for my physics lab. Managed to bluff my way past a corporate analysis of Prudentialife, and it looks like I'll be getting a good grade in there too. All I need to do now is to recharge my mind.
So all I have to do is to relax for the next few days... I wonder how I'll be able to do that though, when there's almost nothing to do at home. I need to do something with my friends... and unfortunately, when I'm on vacation, I'm usually grounded by my parents -- on the excuse that I need to rest after all the schoolwork that I've been doing. I would really want to go out-of-town with my friends this vacation... Provided they invite me to it.
I feel like I don't want to stay at home, with what I found out about my mother. I can't seem to stay in the same room with her without my mind shouting at me to "get out". I can't seem to accept the fact that my mother -- the person who taught me to be "true to your word" -- would be the one to break my trust in her. The rest of the family doesn't have an idea of what she's doing of course, at least I think they don't. And what hurts me the most is I don't know how to tell them. I know I must tell the truth, but something inside me is asking me to shut up -- in fear of what would happen when the entire family learns about what she's doing.
I guess deep inside, I'm a coward. I'm bold and daring, fearless, and unpredictable with matters regarding only myself. When other people get involved, I suddenly stop in my tracks and get nervous.
This is probably the reason why I can't bear to tell Jamie what I feel about her. I'm afraid of what would happen to our relationship if she finds out what I think about her. Its different from the time when I told Pai that I like her -- at least, with Pai, I knew what her reaction would be, since she was already with Adnan then. I guess Jamie's right when she told me that I'm a glutton for disappointment -- I only go for people who I know would definitely turn me down. At least when I'm turned down, I know I won't need to worry anymore.
I still can't figure out who Pai's prank texter is... From the way that Pai told me about the incident, I have a feeling that its probably Rey Layug. I mean, he speaks that way and sometimes behave that way. Unfortunately, he knows almost nothing about Pai much less about Nonoy, so it can't be him. I can't think of any other person who hates Pai's mom so much that he would actually start doing such things... Maybe I need a little more time to think about this. I'm starting to get annoyedby the fact that I can't do anything worthwhile for my best friends...
I think ever since I've demanded some time to myself, I've changed a lot. I'm different now, more interested in what's in store for me than what I can do for my friends. I mean, I may still think about my friends, but its all after I've thought about how to handle myself. I've never been that way before, and lately I've noticed it. Other people have noticed this in me, and have tried telling me about it... To no avail, I would guess. They don't know me well enough to push their way through me, or wait until I'm in a better mood to hear them out. On one hand, I'm going back to being independent, but on the other hand, I know for a fact that I'm starting to behave in a different manner, and people don't really like the way I've changed.
Do you have any idea to think like you haven't changed, yet make decisions that are so different from how you usually made them?
You suddenly start second-guessing yourself. And you lose confidence in your abilities. And you start reassuring yourself that everything's alright, despite the fact that deep down, you know its not.
For me, I lock myself in an impenetrable shell like a turtle or a crab. Nothing gets past my defenses that I didn't allow to pass in the first place. And after all the time that I've been carrying around this shell, I have no idea how much I've changed inside. My shell has been covering me up for so long that I don't even know that something has happened inside me. I need to put down my shell, put my defenses down, and face the world. I have to be brave enough to do that...
It is what shaped me in the first place into what I am.
So all I have to do is to relax for the next few days... I wonder how I'll be able to do that though, when there's almost nothing to do at home. I need to do something with my friends... and unfortunately, when I'm on vacation, I'm usually grounded by my parents -- on the excuse that I need to rest after all the schoolwork that I've been doing. I would really want to go out-of-town with my friends this vacation... Provided they invite me to it.
I feel like I don't want to stay at home, with what I found out about my mother. I can't seem to stay in the same room with her without my mind shouting at me to "get out". I can't seem to accept the fact that my mother -- the person who taught me to be "true to your word" -- would be the one to break my trust in her. The rest of the family doesn't have an idea of what she's doing of course, at least I think they don't. And what hurts me the most is I don't know how to tell them. I know I must tell the truth, but something inside me is asking me to shut up -- in fear of what would happen when the entire family learns about what she's doing.
I guess deep inside, I'm a coward. I'm bold and daring, fearless, and unpredictable with matters regarding only myself. When other people get involved, I suddenly stop in my tracks and get nervous.
This is probably the reason why I can't bear to tell Jamie what I feel about her. I'm afraid of what would happen to our relationship if she finds out what I think about her. Its different from the time when I told Pai that I like her -- at least, with Pai, I knew what her reaction would be, since she was already with Adnan then. I guess Jamie's right when she told me that I'm a glutton for disappointment -- I only go for people who I know would definitely turn me down. At least when I'm turned down, I know I won't need to worry anymore.
I still can't figure out who Pai's prank texter is... From the way that Pai told me about the incident, I have a feeling that its probably Rey Layug. I mean, he speaks that way and sometimes behave that way. Unfortunately, he knows almost nothing about Pai much less about Nonoy, so it can't be him. I can't think of any other person who hates Pai's mom so much that he would actually start doing such things... Maybe I need a little more time to think about this. I'm starting to get annoyedby the fact that I can't do anything worthwhile for my best friends...
I think ever since I've demanded some time to myself, I've changed a lot. I'm different now, more interested in what's in store for me than what I can do for my friends. I mean, I may still think about my friends, but its all after I've thought about how to handle myself. I've never been that way before, and lately I've noticed it. Other people have noticed this in me, and have tried telling me about it... To no avail, I would guess. They don't know me well enough to push their way through me, or wait until I'm in a better mood to hear them out. On one hand, I'm going back to being independent, but on the other hand, I know for a fact that I'm starting to behave in a different manner, and people don't really like the way I've changed.
Do you have any idea to think like you haven't changed, yet make decisions that are so different from how you usually made them?
You suddenly start second-guessing yourself. And you lose confidence in your abilities. And you start reassuring yourself that everything's alright, despite the fact that deep down, you know its not.
For me, I lock myself in an impenetrable shell like a turtle or a crab. Nothing gets past my defenses that I didn't allow to pass in the first place. And after all the time that I've been carrying around this shell, I have no idea how much I've changed inside. My shell has been covering me up for so long that I don't even know that something has happened inside me. I need to put down my shell, put my defenses down, and face the world. I have to be brave enough to do that...
It is what shaped me in the first place into what I am.
Monday, May 26, 2003
I was supposed to say "It's been awhile since last I wrote anything with content...", but then here comes an opportunity to put words on paper...
After sending Jun home (and cleaning my wet feet), I found the door of the meeting room locked and closed. I tried knocking on the door, and after a few seconds, it opened, thanks to Dulce. Not that I really give a damn who opened the door, as long as it was open. But then, she mentioned that she wished she didn't open the door anymore. I don't really care anymore at this point. If she wants to be a bitch over something, then let her be. She can go to hell and die for all I care. She's already acting a like like Lassie lately, which doesn't really make me predisposed toward her.
I don't really care if she wished that she didn't open the door. However, I took exception on her next comment: "One day, I'll break up with Terence because of that person."
Its not my fault if she breaks up with Terence, but rather hers. Its not my fault if she doesn't want me around. If she doesn't want to see me, then she can get away. If she doesn't want me to associate with Terence, then she should tell Terence. I don't really care either way. I've tried to put up with her, understanding that she's really a narrow-sighted person, that she doesn't live outside of her world, all in the hopes that she'd forgive me or something. But if she doesn't really want that to happen, well, too bad.
I thought that I couldn't exist without her. I thought that she was my friend. If she's going to be a bitch for my being nice to her and Terence, if I can't understand what's going on in her mind, if she wants to live in her own little world without caring for the other people around her... well, I guess I must have been mistaken about my thoughts on her then.
I can't call someone who behaves like that a friend. Its no use.
She's no use.
After sending Jun home (and cleaning my wet feet), I found the door of the meeting room locked and closed. I tried knocking on the door, and after a few seconds, it opened, thanks to Dulce. Not that I really give a damn who opened the door, as long as it was open. But then, she mentioned that she wished she didn't open the door anymore. I don't really care anymore at this point. If she wants to be a bitch over something, then let her be. She can go to hell and die for all I care. She's already acting a like like Lassie lately, which doesn't really make me predisposed toward her.
I don't really care if she wished that she didn't open the door. However, I took exception on her next comment: "One day, I'll break up with Terence because of that person."
Its not my fault if she breaks up with Terence, but rather hers. Its not my fault if she doesn't want me around. If she doesn't want to see me, then she can get away. If she doesn't want me to associate with Terence, then she should tell Terence. I don't really care either way. I've tried to put up with her, understanding that she's really a narrow-sighted person, that she doesn't live outside of her world, all in the hopes that she'd forgive me or something. But if she doesn't really want that to happen, well, too bad.
I thought that I couldn't exist without her. I thought that she was my friend. If she's going to be a bitch for my being nice to her and Terence, if I can't understand what's going on in her mind, if she wants to live in her own little world without caring for the other people around her... well, I guess I must have been mistaken about my thoughts on her then.
I can't call someone who behaves like that a friend. Its no use.
She's no use.
Friday, May 23, 2003
Which Member of the Endless Are You?
WHAT TYPE OF WILD CREATURE ARE YOU? (New Pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Trinity, from "The Matrix."
Strong, beautiful- you epitomize the ultimate
heroine.
What Matrix Persona Are You?
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You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.
What Matrix Persona Are You?
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Last night, I told my sister about my uncle's affair with my mother, out of spite I guess, for my uncle. As I expected, she was shocked to hear such a thing, she couldn't imagine our "great" uncle to be capable of doing something like that, seeing as how he's extremely "loyal" and "dedicate" to my aunt. In fairness to her, I would have to say that he was... until recently that is.
Apparently she was so shocked by what I told her that she didn't want to think about it for fear of dreaming about it. Unfortunately for her, and for me, no mattter how we run away from it, the truth will never go away, it will stay behind like a bad weed.
Lassie seems to have taken up drinking as a pastime. It seems like the frequent nightouts that she's been engaging in involve drinking alcohol, and as much as I would like to know what company she has on those nights, she refuses to say anything about it. I try not to become too attached to her, so that I wouldn't have to cry out my heart again as she goes into places that she doesn't know. I wouldn't really like to see her get hurt in any way, but her attitude of telling everyone what she is going to do, yet leaving everyone behind is seriously looking for trouble...
Its probably funny that I denied all the emotions that I had for Lassie last night, and yet admit today that I have feelings for her. The truth is, I still have feelings for her, but as long as she acts like a selfish child, or an attention-deficit bitch, I would prefer if I forget about her. I've suffered under the aegis of loving her before, and as much as I would like to change her, she would have to be willing to start a positive change in herself.
So enough about Lassie. I'll forget about her eventually. Last night, while I was cramming for my project, I participated in a chat conference (or whatever its supposed to be called) with my groupmates. There're a lot of things that I no longer know in this world, especially when computers are involved, and last night's conference just sparked my need for knowledge about something that I don't know. I'll have to ask someone about establishing a form of chat software at home, so that I could use all the brain cells that are simply rotting away in my brain. It wouldn't do me any good if I refuse to use technology for what its supposed to be used for. Being old-fashioned would probably be the death of me, as I become more and more stagnant in a fast-paced ever-changing world.
Perhaps , it would do me more good to think of Jamie instead. I would like to think about Candy, but the number that I called up was instead, her brother's. When I tried calling up another person who I thought was Candy, the owner of the other line rejected my call. Maybe that was Candy, maybe it wasn't. Maybe Candy couldn't answer the phone because of the stomach flu that she's having. Perhaps its a sign from her to me saying, "go away".
So, instead, I would focus my attentions on Jamie. However problematic that may be. Because as far as I can tell, she's still a little too attached to Elbert, and I'd have to find a way to overcome that Elbert hurdle on my way to her. She was a little irritated in the Thursday night dinner because Elbert wasn't there, and as much as I tried to cheer her up, she just wasn't that responsive. Last night, I shouted out something to Adnan that said "take care of that..." which was obviously aimed at Jamie. Thankfully, we were so far apart from each other that it could easily have been someone else I was pertaining to. I wanted to knock myself over the head after that shout, but I guess, things turned out that way already, might as well go with the flow.
I'm trying to find a way to get closer to Jamie, because I don't really think that we have a lot of common interests. Without common interests, it would be difficult to have a conversation with her, and now that she's busy at home with her nephew... I think now is not the right time to pursue her...
Apparently she was so shocked by what I told her that she didn't want to think about it for fear of dreaming about it. Unfortunately for her, and for me, no mattter how we run away from it, the truth will never go away, it will stay behind like a bad weed.
Lassie seems to have taken up drinking as a pastime. It seems like the frequent nightouts that she's been engaging in involve drinking alcohol, and as much as I would like to know what company she has on those nights, she refuses to say anything about it. I try not to become too attached to her, so that I wouldn't have to cry out my heart again as she goes into places that she doesn't know. I wouldn't really like to see her get hurt in any way, but her attitude of telling everyone what she is going to do, yet leaving everyone behind is seriously looking for trouble...
Its probably funny that I denied all the emotions that I had for Lassie last night, and yet admit today that I have feelings for her. The truth is, I still have feelings for her, but as long as she acts like a selfish child, or an attention-deficit bitch, I would prefer if I forget about her. I've suffered under the aegis of loving her before, and as much as I would like to change her, she would have to be willing to start a positive change in herself.
So enough about Lassie. I'll forget about her eventually. Last night, while I was cramming for my project, I participated in a chat conference (or whatever its supposed to be called) with my groupmates. There're a lot of things that I no longer know in this world, especially when computers are involved, and last night's conference just sparked my need for knowledge about something that I don't know. I'll have to ask someone about establishing a form of chat software at home, so that I could use all the brain cells that are simply rotting away in my brain. It wouldn't do me any good if I refuse to use technology for what its supposed to be used for. Being old-fashioned would probably be the death of me, as I become more and more stagnant in a fast-paced ever-changing world.
Perhaps , it would do me more good to think of Jamie instead. I would like to think about Candy, but the number that I called up was instead, her brother's. When I tried calling up another person who I thought was Candy, the owner of the other line rejected my call. Maybe that was Candy, maybe it wasn't. Maybe Candy couldn't answer the phone because of the stomach flu that she's having. Perhaps its a sign from her to me saying, "go away".
So, instead, I would focus my attentions on Jamie. However problematic that may be. Because as far as I can tell, she's still a little too attached to Elbert, and I'd have to find a way to overcome that Elbert hurdle on my way to her. She was a little irritated in the Thursday night dinner because Elbert wasn't there, and as much as I tried to cheer her up, she just wasn't that responsive. Last night, I shouted out something to Adnan that said "take care of that..." which was obviously aimed at Jamie. Thankfully, we were so far apart from each other that it could easily have been someone else I was pertaining to. I wanted to knock myself over the head after that shout, but I guess, things turned out that way already, might as well go with the flow.
I'm trying to find a way to get closer to Jamie, because I don't really think that we have a lot of common interests. Without common interests, it would be difficult to have a conversation with her, and now that she's busy at home with her nephew... I think now is not the right time to pursue her...
Thursday, May 22, 2003
Tonight was the best night of the past month! I was with Jamie all night long, and for once, she seemed to enjoy my company! I'm really thankful for tonight -- not only for the company, but for the effects it had on me as well: I managed to forget all my problems, and just had a darn good time, even though I didn't know half of the people that went to the dinner.
Never mind the fact that Jamie wasn't really close with the people who went there. I would guess that if Paula or Bobby or Elbert or Mitzi were there, she would have had more fun. At least, I could do something for her, even if for just one night... The only mistake that I had was in going to the wrong bus stop -- the FX stop that she was supposed to go to had ran out of vehicles, and so, she had to look for an alternate means to go home. I suggested she take the bus, and she reluctantly agreed. Unfortunately, I led her to the wrong bus stop, because every bus that passed by was going the opposite direction to her home. We spent a good 20 minutes, looking for an alternative way to get home, and at last, she managed to find a shuttle that would take her to a mall near her place, where she could go home easily.
I, on the other hand, took a cab home. With memories of the night fresh in my head. Ah... that was good alright.
Just remembered that I had a dream recently, where I was with... Lassie? Yes, I seem to recall that it was Lassie. I can't remember any other detail about it though, I can't remember why we were together, where we were, the only thing I remember was being with Lassie, and kissing her. At first, it was a french kiss, and I could feel her tongue for some strange reason, then suddenly, perhaps it was my mind sending in irrational signals, she refused to continue the kiss. At least, she didn't want to be frenched again, but wouldn't refuse a simple kiss either. Suffice to say, I tried to convince her that there would be nothing wrong in continuing it, and continued to kiss her, but she remained adamant -- she would take my lips, she would kiss back, but she refused to allow the tongue to enter her mouth without excess probing. When my conscious mind found out what's been happening while it was asleep, it immediately woke the entire body up with a message of waking up late, and the dream ended.
It was a good kiss though. Despite its relative improbability. And it reminds me of other dreams, and other kisses with other people...
I wish I have better dreams tonight.
Never mind the fact that Jamie wasn't really close with the people who went there. I would guess that if Paula or Bobby or Elbert or Mitzi were there, she would have had more fun. At least, I could do something for her, even if for just one night... The only mistake that I had was in going to the wrong bus stop -- the FX stop that she was supposed to go to had ran out of vehicles, and so, she had to look for an alternate means to go home. I suggested she take the bus, and she reluctantly agreed. Unfortunately, I led her to the wrong bus stop, because every bus that passed by was going the opposite direction to her home. We spent a good 20 minutes, looking for an alternative way to get home, and at last, she managed to find a shuttle that would take her to a mall near her place, where she could go home easily.
I, on the other hand, took a cab home. With memories of the night fresh in my head. Ah... that was good alright.
Just remembered that I had a dream recently, where I was with... Lassie? Yes, I seem to recall that it was Lassie. I can't remember any other detail about it though, I can't remember why we were together, where we were, the only thing I remember was being with Lassie, and kissing her. At first, it was a french kiss, and I could feel her tongue for some strange reason, then suddenly, perhaps it was my mind sending in irrational signals, she refused to continue the kiss. At least, she didn't want to be frenched again, but wouldn't refuse a simple kiss either. Suffice to say, I tried to convince her that there would be nothing wrong in continuing it, and continued to kiss her, but she remained adamant -- she would take my lips, she would kiss back, but she refused to allow the tongue to enter her mouth without excess probing. When my conscious mind found out what's been happening while it was asleep, it immediately woke the entire body up with a message of waking up late, and the dream ended.
It was a good kiss though. Despite its relative improbability. And it reminds me of other dreams, and other kisses with other people...
I wish I have better dreams tonight.
While I was looking through my new phone, I found some messages I wasn't supposed to see...
My mother was sending text messages to my uncle -- that's all the proof that I need, they ARE having an affair. The only good thing about their relationship is that, they're both afraid to take it to the next level. They're like two children rediscovering love for the first time, sending each other sweet nothings and arguing over little things that mean a lot... Its pretty sweet actually, except that its an affari. Two married adults messing around their respective spouse's backs, and their spouses are siblings to boot... I really wonder what they would do if they find out.
But that's not all, my mother seems to have TWO affairs -- one with my uncle, the other with someone else that I know I've heard about, but not sure if I've met. Chances are, I have, but I don't really want to think about it. Its too annoying, I feel like I've been betrayed, and its probably the reason why I feel so suspicious about people nowadays... I don't think I can see my mother in the same light as I saw her before.
I can't think about it... The more I do, the more I'm disgusted with them, and with my life. I can't seem to tell anyone about it, I don't think anyone would believe me, and I don't think I can bear to tell anyone... Dulce is about the only person I know that I've told my suspicions about, and since we aren't on good terms anymore... I don't think I can tell anyone else.
So to keep my mind off such things, I concentrated on finding all sorts of irrelevant things over the net this morning, almost being unable to finish my long overdue case analysis. Found some games that were previewed for E3, only some of them catching my eye. Got in touch with Irene, and answered some questions that she had about stuff that was happening in this part of the world. I managed to finish the program that was due tomorrow out of luck... and right now, I'm talking with friends about the story of The Lord of the Rings... It keeps my mind off things alright, but when I get home, everything starts coming back...
Its probably the reason why I keep on sleeping these days... To escape all the bad things that are happening around me. One of these days, I'll probably start thinking like Lassie, that everyone is untrustworthy... I hope not though, because I don't want to lose my last bit of optimism...
I'm glad that I'm going out to dinner with Jamie though... despite the fact that she's going there with all her other english blockmates as a sort of welcoming party with their old mentor. Come to think of it, the last time that I had a nice dinner was with my project groupmates, and we all had a great time bashing Lassie behind her back. Of course I only joined in because I was really pissed at the time, but I wasn't in full bashing mode, more like, getting the bad things off my chest. Keeping all your frustrations inside really is tiring sometimes, as I can attest to...
My mother was sending text messages to my uncle -- that's all the proof that I need, they ARE having an affair. The only good thing about their relationship is that, they're both afraid to take it to the next level. They're like two children rediscovering love for the first time, sending each other sweet nothings and arguing over little things that mean a lot... Its pretty sweet actually, except that its an affari. Two married adults messing around their respective spouse's backs, and their spouses are siblings to boot... I really wonder what they would do if they find out.
But that's not all, my mother seems to have TWO affairs -- one with my uncle, the other with someone else that I know I've heard about, but not sure if I've met. Chances are, I have, but I don't really want to think about it. Its too annoying, I feel like I've been betrayed, and its probably the reason why I feel so suspicious about people nowadays... I don't think I can see my mother in the same light as I saw her before.
I can't think about it... The more I do, the more I'm disgusted with them, and with my life. I can't seem to tell anyone about it, I don't think anyone would believe me, and I don't think I can bear to tell anyone... Dulce is about the only person I know that I've told my suspicions about, and since we aren't on good terms anymore... I don't think I can tell anyone else.
So to keep my mind off such things, I concentrated on finding all sorts of irrelevant things over the net this morning, almost being unable to finish my long overdue case analysis. Found some games that were previewed for E3, only some of them catching my eye. Got in touch with Irene, and answered some questions that she had about stuff that was happening in this part of the world. I managed to finish the program that was due tomorrow out of luck... and right now, I'm talking with friends about the story of The Lord of the Rings... It keeps my mind off things alright, but when I get home, everything starts coming back...
Its probably the reason why I keep on sleeping these days... To escape all the bad things that are happening around me. One of these days, I'll probably start thinking like Lassie, that everyone is untrustworthy... I hope not though, because I don't want to lose my last bit of optimism...
I'm glad that I'm going out to dinner with Jamie though... despite the fact that she's going there with all her other english blockmates as a sort of welcoming party with their old mentor. Come to think of it, the last time that I had a nice dinner was with my project groupmates, and we all had a great time bashing Lassie behind her back. Of course I only joined in because I was really pissed at the time, but I wasn't in full bashing mode, more like, getting the bad things off my chest. Keeping all your frustrations inside really is tiring sometimes, as I can attest to...
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
Here's some good news to cheer myself up today:
I managed to run from the guardhouse to our home without stopping to catch my breath, or to rest my feet.
Of course, that would probably be easy for other people, but I was never athletic in the first place, and any physical achievement that I manage to do, I rejoice in.
Amazing how many things that you could actually think of when you're travelling. For example, I was listening to an interesting rendition of Pink's "Just Like a Pill". It's a pretty nice dance song, so why in the world am I not dancing? Because I'm a lousy dancer. My body is stiff when it comes to dancing. This is probably a result of my being unexpressive, as dancing is supposed to be an expression of the self, right?
Well, the last time I danced, it looked like someone was having an epileptic seizure on the dance floor. That was during Lassie's debut party. I probably had a little too much to drink at that time, but I seriously doubt it... anyway, I was rather depressed throughout the affair because we weren't on really good terms with each other at that time (me and Lassie). Besides, I was nervous, as I had to dance her for a while as one of her "special" people... Near the end of the party, her family members thought that it would be nice to have a disco for her friends... well, this group of friends didn't really like to dance, besides, there weren't enough people to make it look like a dance party, which was probably the reason why some of them didn't like to dance (add that to the fact that we didn't really know Lassie's family very well...). Anyway, to cut things short, my friends decided to take up Lassie's family on the dance offer, and started to swing to the beat of the tune. Before I knew it, I was wiggling my limbs like crazy, attempting to imitate an image in my mind, believing that the outcome was actually good. It turned out that I was only imagining things, and I looked like a post that was trying to shake its place out of the ground. Suffice to say, people had a laugh at what I was trying to do, and they stayed away from me for the rest of the night.
I managed to run from the guardhouse to our home without stopping to catch my breath, or to rest my feet.
Of course, that would probably be easy for other people, but I was never athletic in the first place, and any physical achievement that I manage to do, I rejoice in.
Amazing how many things that you could actually think of when you're travelling. For example, I was listening to an interesting rendition of Pink's "Just Like a Pill". It's a pretty nice dance song, so why in the world am I not dancing? Because I'm a lousy dancer. My body is stiff when it comes to dancing. This is probably a result of my being unexpressive, as dancing is supposed to be an expression of the self, right?
Well, the last time I danced, it looked like someone was having an epileptic seizure on the dance floor. That was during Lassie's debut party. I probably had a little too much to drink at that time, but I seriously doubt it... anyway, I was rather depressed throughout the affair because we weren't on really good terms with each other at that time (me and Lassie). Besides, I was nervous, as I had to dance her for a while as one of her "special" people... Near the end of the party, her family members thought that it would be nice to have a disco for her friends... well, this group of friends didn't really like to dance, besides, there weren't enough people to make it look like a dance party, which was probably the reason why some of them didn't like to dance (add that to the fact that we didn't really know Lassie's family very well...). Anyway, to cut things short, my friends decided to take up Lassie's family on the dance offer, and started to swing to the beat of the tune. Before I knew it, I was wiggling my limbs like crazy, attempting to imitate an image in my mind, believing that the outcome was actually good. It turned out that I was only imagining things, and I looked like a post that was trying to shake its place out of the ground. Suffice to say, people had a laugh at what I was trying to do, and they stayed away from me for the rest of the night.
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
Just finished watching Boys Be... and despite the contempt that I have for the show (I don't really like watching love stories), it makes me realize what I'm looking for in a possible relationship.
Honesty.
The best thing in Boys Be, is that the girls could easily go out with the boys if they wanted to. That won't work in the environment I live in. Females are expected to be conservative and a deviation from that norm usually labels the female to be a bitch. I mean, girls just can't show their feelings easily, otherwise, they'd be treated differently. Personally, I'd like it if the female told me how she felt, at her own initiative. I don't really like prompting other people to say something. It defeats the purpose of confiding. I mean, just how relaxed would I be if Jamie or Lassie told me that they like hanging out with me? Unfortunately, I would be assuming too much if that were the case -- I can feel that they don't really enjoy my presence.
Honesty.
The best thing in Boys Be, is that the girls could easily go out with the boys if they wanted to. That won't work in the environment I live in. Females are expected to be conservative and a deviation from that norm usually labels the female to be a bitch. I mean, girls just can't show their feelings easily, otherwise, they'd be treated differently. Personally, I'd like it if the female told me how she felt, at her own initiative. I don't really like prompting other people to say something. It defeats the purpose of confiding. I mean, just how relaxed would I be if Jamie or Lassie told me that they like hanging out with me? Unfortunately, I would be assuming too much if that were the case -- I can feel that they don't really enjoy my presence.