The article below this was supposed to have been published yesterday... Unfortunately, Blogger acted up again, so I had no choice but to put it up today.

I've been feeling pretty empty. Pai hasn't replied to any of the SMS that I sent her. Understandable, even I wouldn't reply to messages like them if I received them. At least, not favorably. Or maybe I would, depending perhaps on the situation. It doesn't matter now really. What's done is done. I may regret what I did, but I think its for the better... Pai no longer is my best friend.

Even I don't see any reason to think otherwise. I may be willing to save the relationship, but I don't think she is. It makes me wonder how she "tried to resolve things" between herself and Adnan. I could probably understand why they broke up if she tried the same stunt she did to me on him...

Its ironic... The same people that I tried to help get relationships suddenly turned away from me. I thought I was helping them, but perhaps something else thought otherwise. I would probably say that what is happening to me right now is something that I deserve. However, I don't think there's anything that I've done over the past year to justify having these... incidents right now. Come to think of it, could I really be so despicable to lose two friends over the span of a year (Two is such a conservative number, perhaps I should say six instead)?

In my desparation, I'm sinking further into myself again. Unfortunately for me, there's nothing for me to see inside myself this time, nothing to anchor me to reality. If not for the books that I'm continually borrowing from other people, I don't know what I would be doing. I can't even entertain myself properly these days -- the computer and the PS2 just don't have the same appeal to me lately. Perhaps it has something to do with all the problems that I'm being buried in?

Have I ever told someone else my problems?

I doubt it. People either notice that I'm troubled and ask me about it (to which I don't say anything). There's no sense in telling other people your problems if they have no interest in it. Furthermore, its better if people ask circular questions about my problems. I never tell other people directly what my problems are -- its sort of like a test on how well people know me. They'd have to find a way around my defenses, find the lies, expose the truths, and start from there. Once I retreat into my shell, its hard to coax me back out...

Speaking of problems, I wonder how my brother is doing right now? He's got this huge debt that he had to pay last Thursday. Its been three days already, and still no word from him. I wonder if he's alright?

And what would I do anyway when I find out the truth about Prankie? Could I possibly threaten him with anything? Could I possibly do anything to him? Perhaps my help in the matter only compicated things... Perhaps it wasn't even help in the first place, but rather meddling. I've been warned several times before about meddling in other people's business...

Perhaps that would be better... I don't need to involve myself in other people's lives. I can just use them as I wish, without regard for their feelings. I don't need to make emotional connections with them. Emotional connections just create unwanted burdens. Guilt pangs on things that survivalist humans do not need. Using other people is the way that this world, or at least, this society works. I don't see Lassie getting guilty about using Hubert, Jonald, Elbert, or whomever. I don't see Jamie and the other people getting genuinely guilty about using some classmate of theirs. They only get guilty when it comes to things about Yuso... A false guilt if you ask me...

*Sigh* I think it would be better if I amuse myself for the meantime... Avoid thinking negative thoughts, and survive the problems that annoy me.

Lately, my body clock has been thrown out of whack... I've been spending far too many late nights playing Ragnarok and rushing homework, sleeping past 12 midnight and waking up at 5 in the morning. This wouldn't be a problem if I maintained such a routine everyday including weekends. Unfortunately, I indulge myself on weekends sleeping at pretty much the same times, but waking up on even later hours. My body must be asking for a rest -- I'm feeling pretty fatigued most of the time, and I can't rouse myself properly in the morning. I can't even hear my alarm clock anymore, despite the racket that it creates in an otherwise quiet environment.

As a result, I don't feel like attending classes again, knowing fully well that I might doze off in class. I just want to sleep my way through the afternoons -- my body's way of compensating for lack of sleep I guess. Just this afternoon, I could no longer help myself, and slept at Yuso's. The sofa I was sitting on was just too damned comfortable.

Two hours after my nap, I felt refreshed and more alert than any other day this week. Proof that I really have been suffering from lack of sleep. My body still wanted more though, but it might be better if I hold off until later. Tomorrow is a weekend anyway, I find it strange to find myself lethargic today though. I slept very early last night and woke up relatively late today. Perhaps it is something else...

Lassie asked me a question this morning -- How would I know if another person is just playing around with me? I've never gave the question much thought before, because I always knew when another person is just playing around with me. So I told her "you'd know if someone was doing it to you".

But then, what if you can't even tell if the person is serious or not? What if the other person is doing such a fine job of fooling you that you can't separate his lies from his truths? I couldn't answer her at this point, so I asked her to keep herself open and feel for herself. It was something that I could easily do, and I don't think I can teach her.

Until I started thinking a few minutes back on those same words... What if I was being made a fool and I still didn't know about it?

I'm trying not to think too much about it at this point. The words just suddenly struck me after a bit of contemplation, and I wonder just how many times have I fell for that same trick. I don't think I can face myself after I find out if such a thing were being done to me -- it would be karma I guess, for my pride in being "all-knowing".

I no longer have any of my girl friends to turn to, except for Abi I suppose, and I just don't want to bother her with my problems -- she has enough of her own. Any hopes of talking with Dulce are sketchy at best, and I don't feel like talking to Jamie and the others anymore. I don't trust myself with Lassie -- I might fall flat on my face again, and finally, Pai just feels like we are no longer best friends.

We had an argument last Wednesday midnight, if that's what it could be called, after she sent me an SMS saying she no longer thinks that we "are bestfriends". It hurt me to say the least, because I've never even considered the thought, despite whatever changes I know I've gone through. Something's been gnawing at her, and she can no longer put her trust in me. I mean, she WANTS to, but I don't think she would. After all, its not easy to dispel the illusion that I could be prankie...

She wants to trust me, she says. Meaning, she doesn't trust me right now. Despite the fact that she's read through a lot of this book, she WANTS to trust me. Have I ever been less than honest in this book? Perhaps I have, but only to cover up all the negative feelings I've been feeling while writing every single article. I have no intention of turning this entire book into a sappy recording of every "woeful" experience I've had. It just makes no purpose whatsoever, and would simply make me more bitter everytime I write something down. She WANTS to trust me. What does that say about her?

Did she just read through the entire book just to find out what I have to do with Prankie? There's nothing she would find here -- I'm not Prankie and would never be. Besides, I told her before about the existence of this book,and she only nodded her head at that time, barely even listening to what I've been saying, I suppose. If I were really Prankie, then there's no sense in writing that in this book -- because I know that she would find it. Did she even bother to read through the other entries that I've written down? I doubt it, otherwise, she would understand what I wanted to tell her. Or maybe my writing is completely unreadable -- she could have taken other meanings at what I've been writing down. I'm not exactly known to be a clear writer.

(The screen of the monitor I'm using at home is on the fritz too. It's changing colors every now and then from a white screen to a yellow screen. How annoying. No wonder my eyes hurt everytime I play minesweeper...)

I never understood what she wanted to say that night. I thought that it was to end our relationship as bestfriends, so I tried to save that. However, it seemed that she was bent on ending it. I was really pissed off at what she was implying, and left the decision to her, deciding not to explain myself -- she had time to read through this entire book before she made that decision after all. Later into the night however, her arguments just seemed to be less and less substantial... How strange. She wanted me to explain myself, but I doubt there's anything for me to explain. She wanted to know how things turned out that way, I told her because of lack of communication. I don't think she caught that too. She asked me why I changed, I told her because of the people around me. Too avoid being hurt, I turned inward again, I guess, and turned out to be colder than the person that she was used to. Thankfully, she caught that.

Before I went to sleep, I thought that I've managed to save what was left of our relationship. After all, she no longer seemed to be angry at me, as compared to how she was expressing herself earlier. I woke up to find there were two more SMS in my phone in the morning. One was a quote from a Jewel song I'm unfamiliar with. The other was a question to a comment I made. I refused to reply to that SMS, hoping that she would understand what I meant by it.

Meeting with her this morning though, I don't think that was the case. In fact, judging from her reaction to me this morning, I doubt that I had succeeded in saving what relationship we had. She responded in an annoyed manner as I nudged her lightly on the shoulder. Neither did she seem interested in the response that I gave her to her question two nights ago. In fact, I think she really doesn't want to be on good terms with me. Just like Dulce.

I don't have to sulk about it, do I? I mean, things turn out this way between friends every now and then, don't they? I don't need to think about these things too much do I? If she wants to be hostile with me, then let her. I've survived Dulce. I've survived Abi. I can survive her if she insists on being this way. I can be hostile too if she wants. And here I thought that she'd be different from Dulce because she's more understanding than that girl. But I can see that Prankie's driving her up the wall and she's starting to behave irrationally...

I wonder if Prankie knows that he's driven a wedge between Pai and I?

As I went to sleep that night, I had a dream. Everyone important to me in college was in that dream. There was Jamie and friends, who for once was not ridiculing me. There was Pai, and we were still close, but I didn't talk to her much. There was Lassie, whose yellow candle I knocked over accidentally so I volunteered to repair it for her. And finally, there was Dulce, whom I was initially annoyed with because she just seemed to be blocking everywhere I needed to be and hogging the table that I needed to repair Lassie's candle. When I shouted at her, she just smiled at me, as though toying with me and forgetting everything that happened between us. I said some other stuff then, but I can't remember what they were. All I know at the end of that dream, was that I was on good terms with everyone again. And I could live peacefully.

I guess that's just my naive subconscious talking...

Its amazing how many things I get to think of at night, just before bedtime. I wonder, if these have anything to do with my mind's preference to stay up at night? I find myself more capable of contemplation at night, whether it be personal contemplation, leisurely contemplation, academic contemplation... I just seem to think better at night, as compared to other times of the day...

Like today, for example. I was supposed to write something down last night, as I finished playing Ragnarok. It was an experience from my childhood, when somebody scolded me for being a brat... However, I forgot all the passion that came with it last night as I woke up this morning. Perhaps when the feeling about the incident returns, I'll write about it.

Jamie's party last Friday was so-so... Sweet and Lana were hogging the mike when we arrived, as usual. And it was obvious that they've had a bit of drink in them already. I can't explain how, I just know. I had a bit of fun myself, but Yuso and Terence weren't particulary enjoying themselves. Perhaps it had something to do with all the drinking and singing that was involved -- Jamie did want the party to be a drinking and karaoke session, and maybe those two didn't like such a party. After all, they don't drink alcohol...

I think I've managed to drink an entire bottle of that Red Horse Grande... Or maybe a bottle and a half... I'm not sure. I do know that after around 40 minutes since we arrived, I could feel a hint of vertigo. My walk was becoming clumsy and I nearly tripped over a wire. I wasn't drunk yet though, not even tipsy. Just dizzy...

Perhaps there's something in beer itself that would want the drinker's body to get rid of it as soon as possible. I know I could drink the same amount of softdrink or water without having to go to the comfort room immediately. However, the beer was giving me trouble... I had to step out of Yuso's car in the middle of traffic just to relieve myself because my bladder was already screaming at me. And despite my aversion to the taste of beer, I found the taste of Red Horse a bit more... agreeable, as compared to San Miguel.

I would have wanted to stay longer in Jamie's party, but Yuso and Terence wanted to go home early. I guess it would have been better, otherwise I might have drunk myself silly. Perhaps some other time then...

How long has it been since the last time I wrote down something here? Far too long I believe... Ragnarok seems to have this ability to seep away my desire to write at home. Or could it be that I just don't have anything to write about? Hmmmm....

I tried out a bit of the bottle of Stolichnaya Vodka here at home. As I opened it though, I thought I opened a bottle of ethyl alcohol -- the vodka must have been aging quite well here. The scent in itself almost put me off, but I remembered that the more vodka smells like rubbing alcohol, the more potent it must be. I would have wanted to try out an entire glass, but I was afraid that my Father would find out... So I restrained myself. I was right, the vodka was particularly nice. I think I might have to buy a bottle one of these days to bring to the next drinking party...

Due to sheer luck, I think I've finally found who the other person my mom is having an affair with is. It seems like its the taxi driver that the parlor introduced to her... I mean, it can't be coincidence that the driver has the same name as the other person, could it? Plus, wouldn't it be strange for the same driver to come and fetch her regularly? I doubt it...

Now the question is, what do I do about it? Just like what am I supposed to do with Pai's prankie?

I feel so useless right now...

i know you enjoy them


do you want to see some tits??
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Ahh... There just isn't a lot of things to do...

Today is Jamie's birthday. Frankly, I'd really like to go to her party at Grace's place... But I don't think I'd like the company there. I'm pretty picky when it comes to my companions... There's some drinking involved though. Which is what's calling me over to her gig.

Actually, I'm having second thoughts if I want to go or not. We aren't really on very good terms these days. I've mentioned that before, somewhere in the book. And I don't exactly know why that happened. I guess it just did...

I'm glad that our phone line has been reconnected though. At least I can go back to playing online when I'm bored (which is usually the case at home, despite all the books that are waiting to be read). Hopefully, I'll get to do something productive soon.

Right now, I'm preparing to be able to go at a moment's notice.

There's still a lot of things that need to be said. Too bad I can't seem to find the time to do them...

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I knew I forgot something last week... Now I have an archive link that contains only one half-hearted article... What a waste of space.

And now, at the start of the week, I'm at it again, trying to write down thoughts that would otherwise consume me. Maybe I have to learn to think less... Less than I usually do, that is...

The trail of thought that was supposed to have followed the above paragraphs have been moved to the journal. I found that the content in them was better off told to the rest of the world, than to have been kept locked in here. It was a pretty long article too, surprisingly. Perhaps it was fallout from too much reading, not that I'd want to stop reading...

I'm actually glad that I'm going back to my first hobby. Before I even took up the controller of the Famicom back in 1988, before I even got hooked to pen-and-paper RPG's, as well as online CRPG's, I was a reader. A heavy reader in fact, that I read all the books at home that caught my attention (those that didn't, well, they stayed on their shelves, their pages rotting away), and that was before I hit 10 years of age.

Now, I feel like my brain is starting to atrophy. I'm no longer as young as I always think I am. My learning is now nowhere near as good as they were, years ago. I find my brain starting to become static and unchanging. As much as I'm trying to stop the process, I seem to be doing all the wrong choices to stop it. Perhaps I really should learn to accept more responsibility. The quick thinking required in performing work, might actually re-ignite the flames of learning in my brain...

So what have I done in the past week? Aside from reading, why absolutely nothing! I feel like I've wasted a week of my life, except that I didn't even feel the passage of time, engrossed as I was with my reading. Jamie, Lana, and Jason have started to move into an apartment near Dulce's... I could still remember how nervous she was when she first suggested the place to other people looking for a dorm (like Pai)... And now I think of how hypocritical she was because its quite obvious that she's glad with her new neighbors... Pfah! (I wonder if she's changed though, or if she just is a hypocrite) And today, I caught myself getting annoyed with Pai and Jamie smoking. I was about to go into a rage again, when I saw the box of cigarettes that was beside Pai... Again. It just seems that no matter what amount of convincing I do to myself, there is just no way in the world that I'll be able to accept the reality of my friends smoking. In my mind, it is and will always be a vile habit... I wonder when other people will realize my concerns. Perhaps when I'm dead?

I was expecting to experience something exciting near the end of the week. Unfortunately, no such thing happened. And despte having an opportunity to meet with Candy last Saturday, I didn't capitalize on it. Candy arrived back at their home later than I left (and chances are, went right to sleep... I didn't even get her number from her brothers).

Yesterday, I entertained the son of the owner of Herc's in Ortigas with stories of the tribes of Werewolves from White Wolf. As usual, the poor guy was confused, with the amount of information that was already published about them. I think I should've slowed down with the information that I gave him. The same thing happened to him when he tried to ask "what was happening to 'Legend of the Five Rings' now". As interested as I believe he was to the storyline, he had a hard time keeping up with the events that have happened.

Just like the confusion I'm experiencing right now...

I haven't been able to sleep properly last night -- probably due to the amount of Mountain Dew that I imbibed during dinner -- I've been thinking about certain things (again with the thinking, I think too much, and act too slow). It never occurred to me that people might actually lie to me. I always thought that when people were to talk to me, they would never have the audacity to lie to me.

Perhaps I could be wrong, similarly in many ways.

My mother doesn't lie to me about her relation with my hateful uncle. At least, its not an outright lie, because I haven't asked her anything about it. Its more like a careful manipulation of the truth. Hiding it so that it wouldn't cause too much attention.

What I learned recently is different, and definitely disturbing even to me, if true.

There is something that is troubling me. It took me sometime to remember this: how could Pai's mom have known the address of this book? There are only two people who know of the actual address of this book -- Pai and Adnan. I'm not pretty sure if Pai even knew the address before her mother told her, which means that only Adnan knew the address to this book. And since there is no way that this book could be found by online search engines...

Who gave the address of this book to Pai's mom?

So far, I can't accept the truth that is being thrust to my face. The answer is too convenient, too simple, too stupid! Could it be possible that Stitchking and Prankie really aren't the same person? If so, then why in the world did Stitchking suddenly back out from the opposition that he faced when Sweet and Jamie sent their response to him? If he really was helping as he claimed, why didn't he go through with his help? What was he afraid of?

And why frame Adnan? Why not me, or Hubert?

Wheels within wheels within wheels.

How frustrating. To further add to the mystery, how could he possibly know so much about what troubles we were experiencing? Who is his source of information? He says that it is Prankie himself... But that would make no sense -- as I said, if he was really intent on helping, then why did he suddenly back out?

Perhaps there was more to his message then I actually thought? Than I initially interpreted?

Now I regret not having contacted the man earlier.

Ah, Pride would certainly be my fall someday. If not anger...

I prayed to God last night before I went to sleep (despite my agnostic tendencies) for the solution to this problem. I'm hoping that what I'm thining right now isn't the solution that I asked for...

And just in case that it is -- Would I be able to act accordingly?

I feel even more despair with this article than the other "woe is me" articles that I've written before...

I can't seem to write anything else with these days. I mean, things that don't pertain to "woeful" things in my life... Sure, its kinda therapeutic to write about how I feel like being used by all the girls that I know. Sure its therapeutic to note that people aren't treating me the way I want to be treated...

Reporting all these depressing things are kind of nice... But I don't want this book to be filled with my problems... There's just no point. If I wanted a book to vent my anger, I would just rename this book into the book of red-hot anger or something like that...

I mean, I'm tired of writing down the nth time that I see Jamie smoke. I'm tired of mentioning the xth time that Pai didn't even say a thing to me. I'm tired of informing other people about how Lassie has just used me again... Come on, how many times have I seen those things in this book? Despite the fact that currently, they're the people that run my world, there's more to my life than those three...

I don't want to think about Candy, and how I fear for what I believe I've done to her... I don't want to think about Nich, whose actions I just can't understand... I don't want to think about Dulce, and how there seems to be no end to our "argument"... I mean, can't I just move on with some things in my life? Just like how I've managed to move on with Charlene (Sure, I can't manage to move on with how my Mother and Uncle are... I don't know... what the hell are they doing?)? I just want to leave all my worries behind...

Unfortunately, they seem to have a habit of coming back to haunt me...

I wonder, what would knowing who the people who read this book do to me? I've been thinking of opening this book to everyone else I know once I graduate... But thinking again... I don't think its that important to let everyone know how I think... After all, what makes me think that the people I would like to give me importance now would treat me well once they know how I think?

Surprisingly, despite a seemingly depressing morning, something just happened this afternoon that made me forget all about my worries, and just live a problem-free life. Or something like that. I just feel like singing all day long, as though I were a star from "The Sound of Music"... It feels nice, not having to worry about anything, even for just a day...

Unfortunately, I don't have the patience to write down again what I've already finished in the journal. For once, I've managed to write something longer in the journal than in this book... Perhaps, this means that I'm finally opening up to the idea of writing in the journal...

It seems like someone's been reading through some of my earlier posts... The archive links seem to have been clicked recently, and one of the computers I'm using in school still remembers it... I wonder what the person thinks of me now... For that matter, I wonder who's been reading it...

For some strange reason, my body feels extremely tired, despite the lack of activity I'm engaged in... I've been feeling sleepy all day long, and can't focus for long on any schoolwork without falling asleep. How annoying... I don't believe its due to late-night gaming though, because I slept rather early last night... *YAWN!*

Disappointingly, I no longer received any gifts last night -- not even a card from anyone... Not that I'm complaining or anything, I'm just disappointed. Additionally, it seems that a lot of people have actually forgotten to greet me on my birthday... How annoying... Ok, its not that I'm bitter, people have forgotten about yesterday's date... I'm just disappointed that people seem to be forgetting that I exist...

No wonder I keep burying myself away from the rest of the world...

I think I'm going to sleep first. I can't keep awake... Can barely form a coherent thought...

What Ragnarok Character Should You Be?
Quiz by Angelhalo





What Ragnarok Character Should You Be?
Quiz by Angelhalo

I don't believe I've ever played a game that could eat away my time like Ragnarok Online. Nearly 10 hours worth of online time used up in just one Saturday, and I'm pretty sure that I'll be spending a lot more in the coming days...

Speaking of days, today is a special day for me. Of all the days in the year, there is no other day that I look forward to as much as this occasion. It is to me as Christmas is to Jesus. And just as everyone is excited with Jesus' birthday, so am I with mine.

So far, I've received two gifts from two people, and nearly 30 greetings. Surprisingly, both gifts are consumables -- something that I haven't received as a gift for years, if ever. Pai gave me milk-vanilla wafers, while Thea Noreen (sept) gave me more chocolates. I'll have to try to look for something to give to her. Its bad enough that she gave me a gift because we share the same birthday, its worse that I haven't even given her something for her efforts. Its not exactly my fault that I lost money the previous week, is it? Well, anyway, I'll have to try to give her something back next week.

Right now, I'd really like to receive more gifts. It doesn't matter what they are, so long as their gifts. The more gifts I receive, the more "loved" I feel. It has always been this way. Unfortunately, the older a person becomes, the less the person receives...

Speaking of gifts, my favorite is called a "surprise". It doesn't matter what the gift is -- it is the excitement of receiving a mystery that makes me glad. That's probably the reason why I was so excited to receive the gift from Thea. I just didn't know what to expect from her...

I thought that Dulce would at least greet me or something today... Boy, was I wrong. As usual, something just ate the girl from inside -- I can't see why she's so insecure with Terence when everyone knows that there is no way in hell the guy would ever leave her. Around half an hour after the two met, Dulce just went away somewhere.

This year, despite the fact that a lot of people have greeted me, it just bothered me that some people needed a bit of prodding to remember the date today... Perhaps its the strain of schoolwork that's bothering them (or for some people, Ragnarok...). The people who greeted me first were Charlene (even before 12MN last night), Pai, and Abi, in that order. Then the next to greet me was Sonia this morning. Everyone else either wanted to greet me in person, or almost forgot the date.

I haven't greeted my hateful uncle yet. My mother kept asking me to greet the bastard last night before she went to sleep, so that I'd be the first to greet him. That would make him quite happy, and that emotion I have no intention of giving him anytime soon. If I can get away with not greeting him, the better, unfortunately, there is no way in hell that such a thing would happen.

Jamie, as usual, has been smoking like a chimney. I'm trying not to get bothered by that fact and so far, I think I'm succeeding. All thanks to Ragnarok, I bet.

I talked to Pai last night, on the mobile phone. I don't know what actually prompted me to call her, I just did, out of sheer boredom I suppose... I wonder though if she would have sent me an SMS last night if I didn't call her up... And for that matter, would Dulce have talked to me if I happened to call her up last night?

Unfortunately, special days only come once a year, and they only last for 24 hours. After that, life tends to return to its usual boring routine.

You represent... naivete.
So innocent and trusting... you can be very shy at
times, but it's only because you're not sure
how to act. You give off that "I need to
be protected vibe." Remember that not all
people are good. Being too trusting will get
you easily hurt.


What feeling do you represent?
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Today, or more accurately, four hours after I start this article, Grace and Co. would go jogging to get rid of some lipid deposits... As usual, I wasn't even invited (although technically they invited a lot of people by telling the mailing list of their plans) neither was I even informed about their plans...

So do they still consider me to be their friend? Or do they see me as just another guy?

I would have to guess that its the latter. I wasn't part of their clique in the first place, I'm not going to be part of it anytime soon... as I mentioned before. It looks like even Jamie and Sweet are starting to detest my company. I don't recall doing anything that might have resulted in that though...

Sometimes I feel like they're the "elitist" group -- the group to follow, the examples to look up to, the only ones who can crack jokes that people can laugh at... Sometimes I feel like they're so far and away that reaching them is almost impossible, despite the apparent ease of entering their group. It could be just me though -- that I might be the one who doesn't know how to keep friends.

Its funny how I think of them as my "so-called" friends too -- similar to how Lassie looks at them. Sometimes, when I think about it, all they have to do is try to understand Lassie. It can't be that hard to listen to a crazy girl, could it? But when I think of why Jamie is that angry at her -- sometimes I think they do have a right to do that to her.

Except for Grace though... She's supposed to be Lassie's friend. I can't see why she'd grow tired of her... Unless Lassie threw her out of her life first -- I'd understand that. Pai seems to have done that to me, as well as Dulce. But I don't think that crazy girl would do that -- Lassie depends far too much on Grace to dare throw Grace out of her life. I think its Grace's fault... could she just throw away a person who depends on her that easily? I wonder what she'd do if Jamie and Lana suddenly lose their usefulness to her...

Yes, I admit that Lassie is slowly endearing herself to me again. But I'd be stupid if I allow myself to go further than that again... I never would have any chance with Lassie. I take pity on her that her friends abandoned her, because she has no one to turn to. I wouldn't want something like that to happen to me... I just can't help but reach out to her, despite the fact that she never knew how to treat those who did care for her.

Maybe I believe that the two of us are so similar -- even if she doesn't think that way. How unfortunate.

When I try to focus my attentions on Jamie though, I feel like she's just using me. As if she talks to me when she needs to read comics or something. I'm never the first person on her list to ask for help -- unless she needs a phone call. I don't know, does this have something to do with the difference in our race?

I always believed that the racial problem was non-existent here. Apparently, after four years, some people can't accept the fact that some Chinese children do not take themselves as Chinese. No matter what they say, their words and their actions still reflect the fact that they don't trust people "who aren't like them". I shudder to think what would happen to my own children in the future -- they'd still be ostracized for being Chinese. And they can't do a thing about it, because their father is Chinese.

How pathetic. I thought that being in this school would be the best thing that would happen to my life. Now I think that I made a wrong choice...

I've been reprimanded for "freaking out" after knowing how fast Jamie went through her pack of cigarettes. I gave it to her willingly, do I have any stake in how she used it? Now that I think about it, its almost the same case with how I reacted to Dulce's tikoy...

Why would I care how Jamie used the cigarettes that I gave her? Why would I care how Dulce ate her tikoy?

On my part, I believe that its reverse psychology -- I'd want them to change by doing something unusual.

On their part, its their life -- I have no say in how they live their life.

I'd like to say that I was just surprised at how quickly she smoked every stick, but it appears that it doesn't make sense to them. I can't tell Jamie "I care because I don't want you to burn out your lungs!" I can't tell Dulce "Of course I have a stake, because you're not taking into account the effort that Terence and her mom expended to give you that tikoy!". I can't tell them that I care for them because chances are: they'd stay away from me. They'd think that I have affections for them or something, and they just can't have Frost "loving" them or something.

"Whoever it is that Frost loves is unlucky -- because Frost loves them!" I can't see the logic in that argument. Is there something about me that drives people away? I just wonder what's with me...

It would appear that giving cigarettes as a form of reverse psychology just doesn't work.

If what Jamie said is true, then she's already used up her pack of Gudang. A testament of how "addicted" she is to smoking. Pai probably didn't understand why I gave her a pack of cigarettes too, probably mistaking it as a gift from me (I did ask the for the two packs of cigarettes to be wrapped up...). I tried asking her how many sticks she's used, and she refused to tell me. Not that I would stop her from smoking if she wanted to -- I just wanted to know how quickly she's going through the pack.

Listening to this year's theology class is actually interesting. Now that my teacher is not a priest, I don't hear any of the boring church dogma that he tried to drill into our heads. Not that his approach was ineffective, just that that style of teaching doesn't sit very well with me. Our new teacher manages to combine a good number of other material into the lectures -- sometimes even bringing a bit of philosophy into the fold. I feel like I'm more inspired to learn from this teacher, but then again, that could also be due to the fact that I've already taken the damned subject once.

I've been wondering, should I change myself or not? I know now that I have no hold over other people. That would be just the same as saying I control the movement of the oceans... The question then is, do I still seek the company of my so-called friends? Or would it be better to seek friends who accept me for who I am?

Or in more concrete terms -- do I go with Jamie and Co.? Or do I go with Yuso, Terence, and the rest of the gang? Both know me well enough that I can act naturally (what an irony -- acting "naturally") with them. However, to be fully accepted by the girls, I have to change myself into something that would be acceptable to them. Going with the guys would be far, far simpler -- all I have to do is spend more time with them.

There arises my problem -- I don't want to spend as much time with the boys as I'd like to with the girls. However, I feel like the girls never waste an opportunity to rub in my face the fact that they don't want my company. I'm trying to stay away from them recently, going with other people and refusing my natural tendency to go with Jamie... and it looks like Grace and Lana prefer that...

I actually fell asleep while writing this article. I don't remember doing anything that would make me this tired though...

And what do I get for buying two packs of cigarettes this morning?

Lost money, that's what!

Readers who've been to the journal probably know that I've lost my money some time this morning. I'm assuming that I've lost it sometime in the process of procuring the cigarettes and giving them to the recipients. It could just as easily have been lost some other time before lunch, but then again, I can't say for sure.

And so, instead of spending just 120, I lost ten times as much! Yes, this is the thanks I get for giving out cigarettes. I hope Fate is happy with me for "helping out" those in need. May the finder of my money have fun with it, although I'd prefer it to return to me. Otherwise... There's nothing I could do at this point, is there?

At least Lassie lent me some money that I could use for the rest of the week... Not that I'm planning to use it all up. On the contrary, I plan to avoid spending for the rest of the week, so that I wouldn't have a big debt to repay next week. If I could survive by skipping meals, then I'd do so. Otherwise, I'll see how I'll survive with just one serving of noodles for lunch.

I'm tempted to put a tag-board on this book too, just to see how many people would react to the things that I'm writing. But due to the nature of this book, I don't think it would be appropriate, nor would it have as many comments as I would like.

Misfortune, how cruel art thou...

Still adjusting to Blogger's "new" interface... Writing now looks a bit more professional, but reading previous articles for comparision is now a chore because its in another tab. The new blogger also has less templates for newbies, giving older people an advantage in the looks department. Programming literate people wouldn't find this a problem though (which reminds me that I have to find someone to help me organize the journal, or otherwise take care of the way the journal looks).

Bought two packs of cigarettes today. A pack of Gudang Garang for Jamie and a pack of Winston Lights for Pai. Jamie didn't understand the reason why I gave her the pack of cigarettes (its actually reverse psychology, hoping for her to stop when she thinks why would I give a pack of cigarettes) and took it as a gift. I guess there's no way to stop her from smoking anymore.

I don't know what Pai's reaction would be. And I'm not in any mood to speculate at this point. I'm trying to drill into my head that there's nothing I can do to stop people from doing what they want. Strange that I have to remind myself about it, when I always tell people to leave other people alone to what they want... Thanks to being neglected by the people that I want to care about... I've suffered this way before, trying to "help" Lassie live her life when I have no right to actually do so. So what if I loved her and wanted her to be "normal"? It still isn't my life and I have no right to ask her to be what I'd want her to be... Her life is hers to live, just like my life is my own to live.

I'm trying to see where my life would lead by this point... I'm sinking into depression again -- it seems like I've spent a large part of my adolescent life in that murky pit of darkness... I don't know if I have any angst in me, all I know is that I'm incredibly depressed about a lot of things -- family, friends, self -- and I can't seem to get out. Everything I'm trying to do to cheer myself up, to remind myself that I am caretaker and caregiver to others, to forget my problems -- they just can't drag me out of the pit of depression that I'm sunk in.

I should have realized that earlier -- burying things inside myself just wouldn't solve problems. But then, ignoring them would do nothind either. And the truth is, I'm too scared to try to solve my problems! What if my friends leave me? What if my family leaves me behind? What if I can't do anything worthwhile? What if I have no use in this world?

What if I let go of problems that I have no distinct solution for? What if I let go of concerns that I have no direct influence over? The only thing that I can control in this world is myself. There starts my influence, there rests my power. The more I seek to spread out and touch those out of my reach, the more my influence wavers. Yet, the more I strengthen myself, the more I can accomplish, the greater my personal power. I cannot care for others if I cannot care properly for myself! I cannot tell others how to live their lives when I myself have no life to live!

Heh. Fear?

Fear is for lesser beings! Let the worst come! I shall weather any storm that seeks to overwhelm me. No pain, no gain. No guts, no glory. If I am to lose everything, then so be it. But I will not kneel down and grovel. I will not beg for anything. I will hold my head up high, and face the challenges that greet me.

I am Frost! And I have regained my confidence, ironically, because of two packs of cigarettes.

Who am I anyway that people would listen to what I say? If people want to smoke, well they can do so all they want... I refuse to waste my time asking them to stop... There's no point, because no one would heed me anyways... If someone wants to burn her lungs out smoking three or four cigarettes in succession, its no longer my concern... If people with lung problems want to complicate their health, again, its none of my concern.

Right now, all I want are friends. That's right... I thought I found such people when I came into college. But after four years, I find that I'm mistaken. I never had a lot of friends, and it looks like I would leave college with only a select few being added to the list of people that I call friends.

Okay, to be fair, sure I call Yuso, Terence, and Adnan friends... And oftentimes, I take them for granted. But that's not my point, I'm do recognize them as my friends, but they aren't the people that I'm looking for... The people that I want to be friends with, are those people that I get disappointed with: Jamie, Lassie, and Pai. As well as Grace, Sweet, and even Dulce. Unfortunately, it looks like I just don't have any luck when it comes to friends... Maybe I ask too much, and obviously, not everything can go my way...

All right... I'm a little calmer now than I was when I started writing... Why am I so pissed off? Well...

I was supposed to have lunch with Pai today, because there was something that she wanted to say to me regarding a "misinterpretation" of an SMS she sent me during registration. I agreed, reluctantly, deciding that it was still better if I give her face, rather than stand her up on her offer and humiliate her (I'm totally disappointed in how she treats me as her "moo")... However, since she was the one who invited me, I let her decide where she wanted to have lunch and whether I would prefer to have other company. If she wanted to settle something privately, would having company be practical? But still I let her decide without telling her anything about my preferences. Eventually, I get stuck at Shakey's with Hubert and Nich, since apparently, she decided to tag along with the two. This wasn't a problem at all...

However, minutes after I get there, and even halfway into my lunch, she didn't even bother to say anything about what she wanted to talk to me about. I made a promise to myself that if she says nothing today, then I wouldn't say a thing at lunch either... And so the lunch went with nary a word about what she wanted to say to me coming out of her mouth. I close to felt that the lunch "meeting" or whatever that was I got invited to was a total waste of time, so I tried to enjoy myself with Hubert and Nich. Luckily it worked.

As we walked back to school, still nothing came from her. She didn't ask to talk to me privately, she didn't ask for anything at all. She was just laughing at how I made myself look like a fool. When we reached my class, they were surprised to see me leaving them behind. Of course I did that on purpose, to see what Pai's reaction would be... Nothing. When I got into my class, I sent her an SMS asking if there were anything that she wanted to talk to me about... No response.

It wasn't until I got out of class, an hour and a half after I left her did she tell me that she was still shy to ask me about certain things... Hello??? If she were shy, then what was the point of asking me so formally to have lunch and discuss about her problems?

Moments after that, I got pissed off.

To the side of the building driveway, was Jamie, smoking her half-finished Gudang from earlier on. Lana came around seconds later, to light up his own stick too. My blood started to boil, not only from the god-awful smell of the cigarette, but also from the fact that Jamie no longer knows how to stop smoking. I would've wanted to stop her, but then again, the last time I tried to do that, my efforts were all in vain. And when I saw Pai start fiddling around with Nich's pack of cigarettes, I blew my top. The people thought that I got pissed for being called Stitchking. They were wrong.

I lost my cool because not only was Jamie smoking, but Pai too. And in my presence to boot! If she were deliberately trying to piss me off, then congratulations to her because she succeeded. If she wants to make her lung condition worse, then I don't think there's anything I can do to stop her. As of this day, I will let smokers be, and hope they all die early for ignoring how other people are concerned for their health. Perhaps one of these days, I'd buy Jamie and Pai a pack each of cigarettes as a gift, and hope they use it as quickly as possible.

If anyone is wondering why its been so long since I wrote about Pai, well the best summary for that was given to me by Jonald a year ago:

"There is no reflection without importance."

After I solve the mystery of both the prank texter and emailer, I'll leave her alone to her own devices.

I just remembered that I had a dream recently where I thought that Dulce was calling my name. She was calling me playfully, as though she's already forgiven me for whatever "sin" I had done to her. I woke up in quite a good mood after that, despite the fact that such a thing occuring is the epitome of a dream. Well, when I saw her the first time this week, whatever it was I believed after that dream, was quickly shattered. Just as I expected.

Its amazing how I'm still more creative with the articles in the book than in the journal. I guess, the idea that I could write down everything here is liberating, unlike the other where the idea is interesting, but the content is entrapping.

Ah... finally able to write in this book again...

Designing the look of the other book is a little painful to me... Especially since I'm not exactly an expert when it comes to programming language. Its sometimes frustrating to keep on tweaking bits and parts of the whole just to make it look better, but its necessary. Sometimes, I wonder why Blogger doesn't simply use the other templates found in the old blogger... The new template designs simply are too ugly...

Ach. Enough of that. With a bit more free time, I'm sure I could tweak the other book into a better version.

I've been racking my brains recently on who could possibly be the new prank emailer in the college mailing list... It would have to be someone that was awake in the early hours of the morning (or simply kept late hours), and has easy access to the internet... I'm very tempted to say "so what?" they can all go to hell... But the good guy in me simply doesn't like what's been happening... So I have to try my best to help find the identity of the prank emailer. I'm pretty sure that if I can find who this new guy is, it would also be easier to figure out who the prank texter is...

Finally made another book that would record my actions. Its meant to be read by people I know, and for them to share their ideas. It'd be quite alright for my friends to read that book, so long as they steer clear of this one...

So what is the difference between this book and the other? The target reader. I plan on making this book my personal diary, while the second one is to be my journal. More public thoughts may be written down there, while more private thoughts would be put down here. Sometimes, if I have the time, some thoughts that have appeared in the other book might be explored further here. As I explore the theoretical aspects of a single thought in the other book, I would explore how I feel about the thought in here.

Hopefully, I would still be able to write as often as I do now.

Why does Jamie need to smoke anyway, dammit?!?!

She's returning to her old habit of chain smoking again... and worse, I could sense that she's starting to become a nicotine addict herself. With no one to stop her from her smoking habit... I shudder to think what she'd become in the next few months...

I'm so tired of forcing my way into Grace and Co.'s group. I mean, there are other people that I could associate with, right? And with the way Grace and Co. are treating me, I feel like I'm trying so hard to be accepted that I'm starting to feel like a second Lassie... I guess I was never close to that group ever, since they're content on existing as just the four of them... I might as well go with those people who would be interested in going with me.

Been thinking about a few things last night... There's a lot that you can think of when you start to get lonely at home... After talking a bit with Adnan about what I shoud do in my life, I came to realize that I've got a ton of defense mechanisms in my head -- they're all there to hide the immense inferiority complex that I think I developed in the last few years of high school. As well as to support all the images that I've adopted in college.

Seriously, I hate to look weak. I hate it when I fail an exam, I hate it when I can't even perform a simple physical activity, I hate it when I lose to someone in a game... Generally, I hate it when I'm beaten. Because (I think) I feel like I'm going to get ridiculed and branded for life as a loser. My pride just can't take that. And when my pride gets laughed at, I tend to become irrational...

I realized that the first defense mechanism that I put up is my emotional barrier. I feign indifference and refuse to let any emotion take hold of me, save that of happiness. I refuse to get angry, I refuse to get sad, I refuse to get extremely excited, I refuse to feel hurt, I refuse to be afraid... Because I know that once an emotion grabs hold of me, my weaknesses would all show up, and that would make me look weak. So I try to block all emotions away and box in all of my own, unfortunately, some manage to break through -- especially those that relate to "love".

Second, when emotions do take me over, I tend to deny everything related to that emotion. This is probably due to the fact that I no longer wish to be ridiculed for what I feel, but more so to prevent the "other party" from ridiculing what I feel. As a child, I've felt that anyone unfortunate enough to be paired to me would either turn me down, or feel insulted that they've been paired up with me. As I grew up, I learned that if people do not know how I feel, then they wouldn't be able to hurt me. Over the years, this eventually expanded to include not only people, but objects as well...

Third, to be able to maintain my denials, I have to lie. A lot. I became quite good at lying that people tend to believe whatever I say, and sometimes I even manage to keep the truth from myself, believing instead the lie that I fabricated. I would have to guess that my friends wouldn't know how I would react in a situation, unless you make them use their instincts.

There are probably other defense mechanisms that I employ, such as withdrawing from an undesired stimulus, or even becoming a hypocrite by hating that which I do myself. However, I'm pretty sure that those I wrote down above are the most serious. I would probably need a shrink one of these days. To help me get rid of all the problems that I have. It would have to be someone that I don't know, but I could trust. Someone who doesn't know my friends, so that I would be in no danger of being discovered. I could probably ask Elbert, but that would give him an idea that I need help... Perhaps if I follow Adnan's advice and go to the school's guidance office...