Abi's no longer with Michael since Wednesday. I just found that out last yesterday. Could that have been the reason why I suddenly wanted to call her up that day? I doubt it... I may be sensitive to people, but I doubt that I'm sensitive enough to know when someone needs my help. I just happen to chance upon those things sometimes... Like if Lassie suddenly needs someone to talk to for example. In her case, I know that Abi would much rather sort things out in her own way before she talks to someone else about it (and I'm just trying to escape from the responsibility of a friend: I'm supposed to comfort her in some way, but my recent events concerning other people no longer give me a right to do so... I just might drive her away).

Thankfully, she's pretty much over it when I talked to her yesterday. I think she's been preparing for it for quite some time. She pretty much decided to end it, instead of the guy deciding to end the relationship. She's a little morose right now, but I can feel that she's coping.

I hope she gets better soon. I didn't even know why I wanted to talk to her recently. Maybe I felt that I needed someone to talk to (despite the fact that I don't speak much), and since there's no one else that I can call... I called her. Its so refreshing to feel someone still trusts you to tell you about themselves.

Drank some nice cocktail at Chili's yesterday. It seemed that their bartender was included in a bartending contest (something that involved mixing drinks and juggling them around, I was eating, and didn't bother to observe much) and prepared an extra large glass for some strange reason. One of the managers offered the larger glass to our table (where my cousin refused because of its alcoholic content but which I gladly accepted) as a complimentary drink, on the house. Because I knew that it was only a cocktail, I gulped down the concoction -- nothing wrong with a silly cocktail, right?

Well, relatively right. The drink was good. The bartender made it taste like a slightly bitter juice, as if you were drinking diluted grapefruit -- except that the bitter taste came from the alcohol. I knew it was heavy alcohol from the first sip, but the taste had me coming back for more. I probably gulped down the equivalent of a beer mug's worth of liquid in less than 5 minutes, disregarding the salt crystals that lay sprinkled around the mouth of the glass (the salt around the glass was a dead giveaway of what was inside the drink).

I found out that the drink was called El Nino and it contained brandy, tequila, and some sweet and sour mix. I found first-hand that the drink was particularly potent (or maybe it was due to the amount that I imbibed in a short time) and would probably order the same drink when I go off to drinking parties with other people. At least I managed to get a drink yesterday, in contrast to the fact that I didn't get to drink anything last Thursday night... Maybe the next time someone (read: probably Lassie) invites me to a KTV party again, I'd be able to order some alcoholic drink without me looking at the contents of my wallet.

So it turned out that I did go to the farewell party last night. It was pretty fun, too bad I wasn't able to stay until the wee hours of the morning... Curfew and all that.

I've been imagining a possible scenario if things didn't turn out this way between my group of friends... We could all go to a KTV and spend a good night there. Sweet, Dulce, and Lana could hoard the microphones singing all sorts of songs that they'd want (Grace's place has a limited selection of songs after all). The others could just select songs that they'd want to sing (giving the mic hoarders time to choose their own songs...) and take the mic from the three when its their time to sing. Pai would also probably be there, smiling silently to a side and taking a shot at those random songs that other people don't have any idea how to sing... Jamie would probably be to a side fussing over songs that Sweet or Dulce would sing, drinking her beer (Red Horse, most probably) until she gets pretty drunk... Lassie would probably be restraining herself -- she'd either be the one selecting the songs to sing, or otherwise watching other people scream their lungs out. She'd probably try not to drink anything, unless she really suddenly wants to.

And the rest of the boys? Or the mafia? Well, they'd just be laughing at all that is transpiring, enjoying the night out (except for Yuso I think... He's too reserved for that kind of outing...). Tens would of course be beside Karen, while Karen is drinking a cocktail or two (or some other drink). Elbert... well, that's a sensitive issue... Probably beside Jamie trying to cuddle with her in the cold of the room (Jamie would of course allow him to do so, but find a way to escape or probably enjoy it depending on her mood). Terence would just be cuddling with Dulce encouraging her to sing every song that she can, occasionally pecking her cheek. He'd probably encourage Dulce to drink some beer or wine, if he happens to think about it. Jason and Aaron would probably be quiet most of the time, just shouting out some strange comments together with Adnan who would be beside Pai. All three probably drinking some sort of alcoholic drink -- beer perhaps, or something harder. Hubert could fit in anywhere he would want... Laughing at all the antics that Lana or any other person would be doing and managing not to drink anything alcoholic. Jonald would probably be to a side shouting out all sorts of comments to the singers or something.

It would be a rowdy good time. Just the sort needed at the end of a semester. Or to celebrate a birthday. Or just a fun way to party.

However, that would never happen now. Things aren't that idyllic anymore. "Friendships" have gone down the drain, and are not going to resurface anytime soon. I myself can't seem to stand the presence of half of those people that I've mentioned. Organizing such a party at this time would end in disaster, with the Elitists opting to ruin the night just to annoy Lassie, while Pai would just probably stand up and leave (maybe going with the Elitists just to have someone to be with). Or Lassie would probably mention some stinging comment directed towards them... Dulce wouldn't even stay too long because I'm around.

Amazing how "friendships" would suddenly turn sour when you least expect them.

Anyway. I had a dream where I thought that my brother was cursed. In my dream, all his pictures suddenly showed him turning gray and/or silvery -- the color of a dead man or a spirit come back to haunt. And all his hair suddenly turned up. I was surprised and actually scared at first. But someone took care of the matter, and my brother's curse was broken.

Imagine my surprise when the picture I was holding -- my own picture that I was holding -- suddenly started to change before my eyes... My image was taking on that same color... And my hair, my long hair suddenly started to rise up... I tried looking for a way to break the curse on me, while doing an errand to boot. I tried to buy some roast meat at a food store, only to find all of it going sour. I believed that the curse came from the north, and as I was about to know the identity of my transgressor...

I woke up.

How annoying.

Lassie's plan to give a farewell party for Thea managed to succeed. They managed to get Martin to drive them to Libis and find a KTV or something there. I don't know what they intend to do tonight. I planned to go with them to get drunk, but something else came up: I'll have to go to Ortigas. If luck is with me, I might be able to get a taxi later to haul myself to whatever KTV they might be in... Otherwise, I'll just have to stuff myself silly with maki and ramen.

I've been feeling pretty bored today. Must be because I came in around 30 minutes late for my first class. It sort of broke my momentum I guess. I was really prepped to take quizzes and other schoolwork all day long. But the stroke of luck that I got today actually turned me off.

I was supposed to have an exam on that most annoying subject in existence: Theo. However, it turned out that our teacher was sick for the day and wouldn't be able to give the test. Instead, the exam got moved to a later date. Good thing too, because I found out that I know close to nothing about today's exam. If he gave a simple True of False/ Multiple Choice exam, I would probably be able to pass. But if he were to give an essay type exam...

Anyway, all the other classes that I've attended almost drove me off to sleep. That's what I get for coming to class late, I guess. I wasn't able to relate to anything that our teacher was talking about (I went in just to submit homework, then slipped out again) since I had to rush some assignments. I guess I'll have to read the handouts myself just to figure out just how much I've missed out. The same goes for my philosophy class since I've been escaping from that class like crazy... I'll have to get some decent grades from there soon...

I really have to work out soon. There's this unseemly bulge in my tummy that keeps reminding me to do so. I just can't seem to find the time, despite the amount of free time that I always find myself having.

I feel like no one seems to read the Record. Not surprising at all. If it keeps the events that happened in my life, then naturally its going to be boring. Nothing interesting seems to happen in my life. Or honestly, sometimes, I don't know how to see the great things that happen around me.

I have two months to prepare myself for the worst. I think the same things will happen again -- I'll get ignored by Lassie again for some time, and I'll have to find some way to steel myself against that eventuality. I mean, if it doesn't happen, great! But I don't want to keep my hopes up... There's a high chance that the same things will happen soon, and I'll be autistic for a half-year again. Until Lassie decides to talk to me again.

At least I know that Lassie will talk to me again. Other people that I used to call my friends just don't show any hint that they'd want to associate with me. I always prided myself for knowing the truth, but I guess I've been deluding myself all this time: I don't think I would know the truth if it stared me right in the face.

I don't believe that things will ever turn out fine between me and Dulce. I don't think I'll be able to patch things up with Pai. I don't suppose Jamie would ever think of me as a person again...

Hah! As if being a pessimist/realist would ever suit me, when I know that my entire being screams "HOPE". I wouldn't be this happy-go-lucky if I believed that things will never turn out to be better... I know, one day, I'll be able to look the world straight in the eye and laugh again, like I used to do. Perhaps when I get out of this "woe is me" state...

I am 73% Evil Genius

Evil courses through my blood. Lies and deceit motivate my evil deeds. Crushing the weaklings and idiots that do nothing but interfere in my doings.

Take the Evil Genius Test at fuali.com


I am 67% Tortured Artist

Art is significant in my life, people are scum but I have the capicity to deal with it. Give it a few more years and I will either forget about art or hate the world.

Take the Tortured Artist Test at fuali.com


I am 38% Internet Addict

I could go either way. Deep into the madness of nights filled with coding CGI-Scripts and online role playing games, or I could become a normal user. Good luck!

Take the Internet Addict Test at fuali.com


I am 28% Geek

You probably work in computers, or a history deptartment at a college. You never really fit in with the "normal" crowd. But you have friends, and this is a good thing.

Take the Geek Test at fuali.com

Protector


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla


So why do I always have these thoughts of violence in my head? Honestly, I can't understand myself completely... Its like I'm several Frosts in one body!




You are Sakura Avilon! Sweet, cute, and very
upbeat, how can anyone hate you? You feel as if
you have two lives, and you don't have much of
a problem keeping them secret from each other
thanks to your friends! You're kind of a
chicken though, get some courage girl, not all
dark houses are haunted! When it comes to guys,
you have abit of trouble, but you survive
anyways since you have someone who's after you!


Which Anime Girl Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Er, I don't get it... Why?



grrrrrr
you are grrrrr
you dont fit any of these, you wish that everyone
would just die!
you: "like i said before, everyone will
suffer"


What kind of idiot are you?
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Heh... Interesting quiz, would have wanted to get Fool, but...



You're Nordic! Your people hail from the harsh
northern lands, where it's cold and there's not
enough food for everyone! The arch-nemesis of
the Romans and the British, the Nords couldn't
stay put, and they spilled into Germania,
preventing the Romans from extending there, and
much later invaded Britain and took over most
of it. A fierce, and deadly people, not to be
trifled with.


Which ancient society do you belong to?
brought to you by Quizilla


Aye.



You are words- Cool and calculating, you're
vicious. The evil weapon, and more often than
not the most painful.


What Weapon Are You?
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"Oh really now...?"

Still can't figure out why the blogger interface I have here at home seems to keep on changing... At least this time, I have my favorite interface: I can see my previous articles as I'm writing right now...

And the top picture that I'm seeing right now just screams "pretty lady" at me! I don't think I've ever put any picture here before that could compare to that picture!

Ahem, anyway... Reading through my other articles in the journal, I feel like I'm starting to sound like an "I" person... As if there were no one else important in the world to write about. Noticed it as I was writing today's article for the journal too -- I kept on thinking of other ways to phrase my sentences without using the pronoun referring to the self. Could it be that as I seek to let others know what I am doing, I am turning into the kind of person that I dislike? But I already know that I dislike myself for being an arrogant hypocrite... So what is it really? An attempt to be consistent with the personality that I show other people?

I doubt it... Most people already know how I act... My writings on the journal shouldn't be too contradicting... Hopefully....

What do I care anyway what other people think?

Plenty, actually. I've realized this weekend just what kind of a fool I've been for trying to look for someone else's attention. As a person, I've always tried to be there for someone else in case they had a problem... As far as I can remember, there is no one in the world that I've ever told anything of myself. Naturally, as a helper, I'll be there to solve problems. I had never considered my effectivity in helping other people through their problems... Perhaps in some cases, there were times that they're problems have been solved. In fact, it could be entirely possible that there was a span of time when there were no problems that needed to be solved. Therefore, because there was no one that needed my help, I suddenly felt all alone and misinterpreted this loneliness as something that needed to be addressed by other people.

... I seem to be contradiciting myself here...

Er, I think what I've realized over the weekend is that I'm becoming a "user" in my own way... Looking for people to help just to keep myself content... I can't fully explain further here... Whatever I've thought about over the weekend is starting to slip away, and I can't seem to catch up to it. If I'm sounding weird, just ignore the previous paragraph. Chances are, the previous paragraph is actually wrong... I can't think properly about it anymore...

I do know right now that a few minutes of listening to the radio at night tends to dull my senses, making me sleep easier and taking away all the thoughts that I usually have before I go to sleep. As relaxing as music may be, I sometimes need the thoughts that keep me company on my journey to sleep. The thoughts keep my brain working instead of pushing it to a semi-living state.

I also know that I prefer Lassie's company to most other people's right now. I feel like it has come to the point where I have no one to speak to anymore. I can't see why Jamie and the Elitists would start avoiding me just because I'm constantly with Lassie lately. Or maybe they really just don't want to be with me in the first place and my being with Lassie right now gives them the perfect opportunity to ignore me completely... I've been with them this morning, contrary to what I wrote down in the journal. I saw her and Lana in the library, apparently researching for Rex's or Anne's lab activity. I've been sitting across them from the table, and the only time that they conversed with me was when they were about to leave the library. Only stopping to ask why I was in school today, and if Yuso was with me...

I find it so silly for them to ask if Yuso's with me... After 4 years of being with me, don't they still know that I'd go to school with or without Yuso? And does Jamie really think that Yuso would go to school in the day's weather???? Besides, does going to school really entail a reason? Anyway, I feel so disgusted associating with them right now that I don't even know if I want to remain friends with them or not.

I did see Pai yesterday morning. She was sleeping in the laboratory when I arrived. It would seem from her behavior that she doesn't want anything to do with me at all. There have been several opportunities for the two of us to greet each other as I enter the laboratory, or as I see her make her way towards class with Nich. But I don't really think I should make the first move. Or if I should make any move at all... She's broken off the "best friend" relationship that she had with me, as well as the friendship (if there ever was one, and not just an economic give-take relationship) we had when she refused to talk to me after the night's argument. I know I'd survive even if I have to think of her (and Dulce) every now and then.

I'd probably have to prepare myself too when Lassie decides to leave me behind, again. Thankfully, I'm not as attached to her as I was before. At least, not yet...

Which reminds me: Lassie also has a stalker. According to her at least... And this stalker calls her a bitch as well, probably in reference to how she treated Hubert and Elbert over the summer and the start of the sem. If this is true or not, I don't know. Because of certain events, I no longer know what is true and what is not true. I don't think I'd want to believe someone's else's claims of truth again. I'd like to help her out, but remembering what happened the last time I tried helping other people (as well as what happens when I want to help people), perhaps it would be better to let her sort things out. Besides, I wouldn't even know what to do with her stalker if I figure out who it is.

You are ice. You have a cold exterior but a warm
heart.


What element is your soul?
brought to you by Quizilla

Funny thing about this quiz though, there seems to be only one result! Its a pretty picture though...



Power Rangers Movie!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

What the ....????



You are an element of Soul


Which element are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm really irritated by this extra screen that Blogger gives me to write on... I miss the old screen which shows the previous articles that have been written down. Sadly, I still don't know how to access that screen at home, I'm assuming it has something to do with an upgraded internet explorer.

Dulce is doing the AM receiver circuit with Tennessy. Meaning, as much as I'd like to stay there and chat, I can't. No reason to explain why I couldn't. So here I am wandering around aimlessly, waiting for her to go away or for the circuit to work. Whichever comes first. I still have to attend to laboratory reports tonight so that I wouldn't have any worries tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll be able to find some change later to commute home.

An interesting thought occurred to me a while ago. I've been avoiding people because I felt that they should come and approach me instead of my approaching them. I just realized that there would also come a time when even those people who I'm currently on good terms on, would leave me behind, to pursue their own interests. I'm never a part of anyone's interests anyway... Best for me to prepare for that eventuality now. At least, when the time comes, I wouldn't be any more autistic than I am right now.

I've been growing more and more detached lately... I don't know if its a reaction of other people, or just me doing something extraordinary (like associating with Lassie, for example). Personally, I'd like everything to go back to normal... But I guess I understand now what Pai and Adnan mean about "going back is impossible". If worse comes to worst, I guess my books will never leave me behind, and the same goes for my games too. I don't think I have anything to fear for being antisocial... At least, not now perhaps...

I just wonder how people will treat me once I step out of college if I insist on being this way... Is it so wrong to insist on a little bit of attention?

If my pride doesn't kill me, I bet my stubbornness will.

I actually forgot what I wrote down the last time... I wonder if I'm becoming too old for things...

Anyway. Lassie was asking around what "blogger" was for. I gave her a simple answer: its for writing things down, or looking at it another way, its like your own website. I tried showing her Charles's blog, but it was suffering from some technical problems. I tried showing her my blog but Borj came in to configure a personal Ragnarok game on Lassie's laptop. Not that she was impressed by what Blogger could possibly do... She asked me why the journal doesn't have as many entries as other people...

I was sorely tempted to show her this book. Thankfully, something stopped me from doing so. It wasn't until later that I remembered what I've been writing down about her on this book. Hehe... That was close...

I'm getting over my feelings of depression, and I have Lassie to thank for it. I was surprised this morning though, when she told me of a phrase that I only told Dino -- that Jamie and Co. were a bunch of "elitists". I wonder why that guy told her... I've got to watch my mouth around people next time...

I have this feeling that there are other people who are reading through my entries. I mean, aside from Adnan, Pai and her mom... I feel like there's someone else who's reading through this... I just hope they're not people that I've been writing about...

Went to Wraith's game last night. I thought I would be able to see Candy since it was a Friday and there was nowhere that she could go to... It's been quite some time since I last saw her anyway. However, throughout out the night, not once did I even see her shadow.

Somehow, I knew that she was in her room though. I know that the door to her room is always open when she's not around, but last night, the door was closed. I believe that she was in the room, after all, I could hear anime music coming out from it, plus the sound of someone speaking. I tried knocking on her door, and trying to open it, but apparently, it was closed (or locked, I figure its locked).

I wonder why she didn't even bother to greet some guests, or join in Wraith's game? Could it be possible that she's avoiding someone? If so, I wonder if its me, or Wraith? I have this feeling that she's avoiding me... I wonder why though... Of course, it could also be possible that she wasn't feeling well last night, or maybe she had something important to do and didn't want to be bothered. *sigh* And I was looking forward to seeing her...

You best represent a Sniper Rifle!
Sniper Rifles are best known for their ability to
take down a target in one shot with very high
accuracy. Modern sniper rifles are used to
disable vehicles by blowing really big holes in
the engine. Of course, these weapons are also
used to blow big holes in people. Snipers are
utilized in SWAT situations, especially when a
fugitive holds hostages. Hunting rifles are
also usually considered sniper rifles.


What type of gun are you?
brought to you by Quizilla




You would drown someone! That's, like, the most
torturous way! You know, a lot of people have
NIGHTMARES about drowning... meanie. Yay! Kill
people! Chinese water torture is pretty good...
have FUN, you evil person.


What's your ideal murder weapon?
brought to you by Quizilla





I'm thinking I'm feeling a bit jealous of Jason and Jamie. Nothing new here... I've felt that way with Cholo, Adnan, and even Aaron and Tennessy on occassion. Its my fault for not doing anything when I had a chance. Not that I really care right now -- I'm getting irritated with their presence. I feel like I can't stomach being in the same room with them, including Jamie's other friends. My mind's been poisoned into thinking negative thoughts.

I've been spending too much time with Lassie lately... Not only have I poisoned my mind into thinking negatively, but also with thoughts of her. How unlucky can I get? I really have to find a way to distance myself from all these thoughts that are in my head. I no longer wish to spend my time with these people. There's no sense because these people don't even want anything to do with me. I'd rather spend my time alone.

Ahhh... No more! Stay away from me!!!!

I'd rather go down and stay with Lassie in the driveway than to stay up here and listen to them... I'm damned if I stay here, damned if I go downstairs... Damn it.

I just remembered that Elbert must be editing the comments that get into his own blog. I was surprised to find my own comments gone from where it was supposed to be. Instead it was replaced with a more... wholesome comment from some other member of his group of friends. Perhaps that was the reason that Jamie was surprised when she checked his blog -- she maybe expecting some sort of reply from her own comments and was disappointed when she found that her comment was no longer there. As much as she denies feeling nothing more for him, she still keeps him in her heart.

What a hypocrite. Just like me.

Today has got to be the most senseless Monday that I've experienced in the semester so far. I was expecting to at least finish a few dangling homeworks in school today. Unfortunately, I arrived in school only to find out that the internet services for the special room has been cut off (albeit temporarily). It would appear that our teacher got pissed off last Friday for some stupid stunt that Nich pulled off and is punishing the entire class for it (not just the Friday class -- all the classes). Assumingly, the internet services was part of this punishment...

Thankfully, I had to attend a photo shoot for the yearbook this morning. At least I wasted close to 2 hours of my time accomplishing something this morning, even though I almost went insane with all the preparation it required. While I can tolerate putting on make-up for photo shoots, I just cannot find way to comb my hair properly (My hairstylist does it for me after I get my hair cut)... So I left it in its natural wet state, which turned out to be a problem because its hard to maintain... A minor problem during the photo shoot, really, it just annoyed me that all the people there fussed over my appearance.

At least that takes care of one photo shoot, now if only I can think of something for my creative post next week...

Because there were no computer terminals in the laboratory that could access the internet, I had no other choice but to go back down to the driveway and talk my mouth off. After finishing the new Marvel rulebook over the weekend, I was excited to try it out with the usual people -- Santi and Anton. They looked up to it, and if all goes well, I might be able to start character creation on Friday coupled with a sample game.

Of course, when Lassie arrived, I had nothing better to do than to hang around further at the driveway. My idiotic self is starting to return -- I can no longer ask my feet to lead me away from a location once Lassie arrives. Perhaps I should find a remedy for this disease. If my idiotic self manages to take hold over me, then I'm good as dead...

At least I managed to massage Lassie. It would appear that she swam over the weekend, and was suffering from muscle aches. Hopefully, I managed to relieve her pain, otherwise all that effort would probably have been wasted.

This afternoon, I managed to find Chico and SJ's gaming shop near Katipunan. With nothing better to do, I managed to convince Chico to teach me how to play the L5R card game -- it was a long time since I played that game and I couldn't remember many rules. They were helpful enough to give me a military Lion deck -- something that was easy to learn. Unfortunately, the deck that it was going up against suffered a lot of bumps during its play. I was expecting to lose a few games this afternoon, and take those losses as a learning experience. Instead I won a few games barely understanding why my actions were effective. Perhaps when I find myself with more money I'd buy a deck for myself -- preferably Crab.

During the course of this afternoon's tutoring, I was surprised to find Sebie come in to buy, of all things, cigarettes. Perhaps if I knew Sebie a little better I might be tempted to court her (she has a boyfriend right now, I think), she's a pretty chinese girl that's just my type. However, seeing her buy cigarettes, well, I just got a bit turned off with her... She's still pretty in my eyes, but the cigarettes get in the way.

She got interested with the cards layed out on the table though, and sat on Chico's empty seat (he was serving the other female customers that came in with Sebie to buy their cigarettes), eyeing the cards one by one mistaking them for Magic. Noting the difference, she asked me to teach her how to play the game. I told her I was just starting to learn the game and couldn't teach her. Too bad, I guess, because it seemed like she was really interested in it. Perhaps some other time when I get the chance? I was a little bit distracted with her though, because she kept on tapping the end of the back end of the cigarette pack (to "pack all the nicotine to the tip of the cigarette" if I remember the reason from other smokers). Even though she kept on insisting that the cigarettes weren't hers, somehow her body language told me otherwise.

As they were about to leave, I asked them to try to quit smoking. As usual, my words just fell on deaf ears.

Talked to Adnan tonight. Apparently, I was right when I noticed that Jason likes Jamie -- Jason's been thinking of a good way to court Jamie. However, I think that he was wrong to have stayed with them in the studio (I've been to the studio today to borrow a shaver from Lana. The place is just as big as the Master's Bedroom here at home). While Jamie may know that Jason likes her, it might not look nice when people find that out. They might say that he's taking advantage of the time they're spending in that studio...

Apparently, Jamie also knew I liked her. Adnan mentioned that it was obvious, I didn't think so. I told him in the first place that I liked Jamie. If I didn't tell him, I doubt he would have even known. I tried asking for Jamie's reaction when she knew though, but Adnan maintained that he's been sworn to secrecy about it. I wonder to what extent I should trust that person though. There's been a good number of things that he's been refusing to tell me, and there have been some complications lately...

Ha! Swearing secrecy to Jamie... I wonder how much that would be worth though... If I know Jamie, the moment that she hears something more juicy, she'd be willing to part with secrets from other people just to get what she wants. Or even worse, she'll bargain with an interesting bit of information in exchange for yours, only to hold out on her part of the bargain.

Is it any wonder I find it hard to treat people as people anymore? I feel like the world I'm living in is a gigantic excercise in Marxist Economics. Use everyone to your advantage.

How unfortunate that I never learned how to play that game very well...

You should be dating a Pisces.
19 February - 20 March
Your mate is loving and caring, trusting and
hospitable, and romantic. Though he/she can be
self-pitying, temperamental or dependent, the
fishes are quite romantic in bed.


What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
brought to you by Quizilla


And how many people I know are Pisces...? Yes, that's what I thought...



Your inner demon is you are fake. Whether it's
wanting to make every one believe you are the
best at everything or that you are really
tough. Someday when you let your gaurd down
it's going to come back and byte you in the
butt...watch out!!


What is your inner demon?
brought to you by Quizilla


Ugh. Ugly picture. Ugh.

The article below this was supposed to have been published yesterday... Unfortunately, Blogger acted up again, so I had no choice but to put it up today.

I've been feeling pretty empty. Pai hasn't replied to any of the SMS that I sent her. Understandable, even I wouldn't reply to messages like them if I received them. At least, not favorably. Or maybe I would, depending perhaps on the situation. It doesn't matter now really. What's done is done. I may regret what I did, but I think its for the better... Pai no longer is my best friend.

Even I don't see any reason to think otherwise. I may be willing to save the relationship, but I don't think she is. It makes me wonder how she "tried to resolve things" between herself and Adnan. I could probably understand why they broke up if she tried the same stunt she did to me on him...

Its ironic... The same people that I tried to help get relationships suddenly turned away from me. I thought I was helping them, but perhaps something else thought otherwise. I would probably say that what is happening to me right now is something that I deserve. However, I don't think there's anything that I've done over the past year to justify having these... incidents right now. Come to think of it, could I really be so despicable to lose two friends over the span of a year (Two is such a conservative number, perhaps I should say six instead)?

In my desparation, I'm sinking further into myself again. Unfortunately for me, there's nothing for me to see inside myself this time, nothing to anchor me to reality. If not for the books that I'm continually borrowing from other people, I don't know what I would be doing. I can't even entertain myself properly these days -- the computer and the PS2 just don't have the same appeal to me lately. Perhaps it has something to do with all the problems that I'm being buried in?

Have I ever told someone else my problems?

I doubt it. People either notice that I'm troubled and ask me about it (to which I don't say anything). There's no sense in telling other people your problems if they have no interest in it. Furthermore, its better if people ask circular questions about my problems. I never tell other people directly what my problems are -- its sort of like a test on how well people know me. They'd have to find a way around my defenses, find the lies, expose the truths, and start from there. Once I retreat into my shell, its hard to coax me back out...

Speaking of problems, I wonder how my brother is doing right now? He's got this huge debt that he had to pay last Thursday. Its been three days already, and still no word from him. I wonder if he's alright?

And what would I do anyway when I find out the truth about Prankie? Could I possibly threaten him with anything? Could I possibly do anything to him? Perhaps my help in the matter only compicated things... Perhaps it wasn't even help in the first place, but rather meddling. I've been warned several times before about meddling in other people's business...

Perhaps that would be better... I don't need to involve myself in other people's lives. I can just use them as I wish, without regard for their feelings. I don't need to make emotional connections with them. Emotional connections just create unwanted burdens. Guilt pangs on things that survivalist humans do not need. Using other people is the way that this world, or at least, this society works. I don't see Lassie getting guilty about using Hubert, Jonald, Elbert, or whomever. I don't see Jamie and the other people getting genuinely guilty about using some classmate of theirs. They only get guilty when it comes to things about Yuso... A false guilt if you ask me...

*Sigh* I think it would be better if I amuse myself for the meantime... Avoid thinking negative thoughts, and survive the problems that annoy me.

Lately, my body clock has been thrown out of whack... I've been spending far too many late nights playing Ragnarok and rushing homework, sleeping past 12 midnight and waking up at 5 in the morning. This wouldn't be a problem if I maintained such a routine everyday including weekends. Unfortunately, I indulge myself on weekends sleeping at pretty much the same times, but waking up on even later hours. My body must be asking for a rest -- I'm feeling pretty fatigued most of the time, and I can't rouse myself properly in the morning. I can't even hear my alarm clock anymore, despite the racket that it creates in an otherwise quiet environment.

As a result, I don't feel like attending classes again, knowing fully well that I might doze off in class. I just want to sleep my way through the afternoons -- my body's way of compensating for lack of sleep I guess. Just this afternoon, I could no longer help myself, and slept at Yuso's. The sofa I was sitting on was just too damned comfortable.

Two hours after my nap, I felt refreshed and more alert than any other day this week. Proof that I really have been suffering from lack of sleep. My body still wanted more though, but it might be better if I hold off until later. Tomorrow is a weekend anyway, I find it strange to find myself lethargic today though. I slept very early last night and woke up relatively late today. Perhaps it is something else...

Lassie asked me a question this morning -- How would I know if another person is just playing around with me? I've never gave the question much thought before, because I always knew when another person is just playing around with me. So I told her "you'd know if someone was doing it to you".

But then, what if you can't even tell if the person is serious or not? What if the other person is doing such a fine job of fooling you that you can't separate his lies from his truths? I couldn't answer her at this point, so I asked her to keep herself open and feel for herself. It was something that I could easily do, and I don't think I can teach her.

Until I started thinking a few minutes back on those same words... What if I was being made a fool and I still didn't know about it?

I'm trying not to think too much about it at this point. The words just suddenly struck me after a bit of contemplation, and I wonder just how many times have I fell for that same trick. I don't think I can face myself after I find out if such a thing were being done to me -- it would be karma I guess, for my pride in being "all-knowing".

I no longer have any of my girl friends to turn to, except for Abi I suppose, and I just don't want to bother her with my problems -- she has enough of her own. Any hopes of talking with Dulce are sketchy at best, and I don't feel like talking to Jamie and the others anymore. I don't trust myself with Lassie -- I might fall flat on my face again, and finally, Pai just feels like we are no longer best friends.

We had an argument last Wednesday midnight, if that's what it could be called, after she sent me an SMS saying she no longer thinks that we "are bestfriends". It hurt me to say the least, because I've never even considered the thought, despite whatever changes I know I've gone through. Something's been gnawing at her, and she can no longer put her trust in me. I mean, she WANTS to, but I don't think she would. After all, its not easy to dispel the illusion that I could be prankie...

She wants to trust me, she says. Meaning, she doesn't trust me right now. Despite the fact that she's read through a lot of this book, she WANTS to trust me. Have I ever been less than honest in this book? Perhaps I have, but only to cover up all the negative feelings I've been feeling while writing every single article. I have no intention of turning this entire book into a sappy recording of every "woeful" experience I've had. It just makes no purpose whatsoever, and would simply make me more bitter everytime I write something down. She WANTS to trust me. What does that say about her?

Did she just read through the entire book just to find out what I have to do with Prankie? There's nothing she would find here -- I'm not Prankie and would never be. Besides, I told her before about the existence of this book,and she only nodded her head at that time, barely even listening to what I've been saying, I suppose. If I were really Prankie, then there's no sense in writing that in this book -- because I know that she would find it. Did she even bother to read through the other entries that I've written down? I doubt it, otherwise, she would understand what I wanted to tell her. Or maybe my writing is completely unreadable -- she could have taken other meanings at what I've been writing down. I'm not exactly known to be a clear writer.

(The screen of the monitor I'm using at home is on the fritz too. It's changing colors every now and then from a white screen to a yellow screen. How annoying. No wonder my eyes hurt everytime I play minesweeper...)

I never understood what she wanted to say that night. I thought that it was to end our relationship as bestfriends, so I tried to save that. However, it seemed that she was bent on ending it. I was really pissed off at what she was implying, and left the decision to her, deciding not to explain myself -- she had time to read through this entire book before she made that decision after all. Later into the night however, her arguments just seemed to be less and less substantial... How strange. She wanted me to explain myself, but I doubt there's anything for me to explain. She wanted to know how things turned out that way, I told her because of lack of communication. I don't think she caught that too. She asked me why I changed, I told her because of the people around me. Too avoid being hurt, I turned inward again, I guess, and turned out to be colder than the person that she was used to. Thankfully, she caught that.

Before I went to sleep, I thought that I've managed to save what was left of our relationship. After all, she no longer seemed to be angry at me, as compared to how she was expressing herself earlier. I woke up to find there were two more SMS in my phone in the morning. One was a quote from a Jewel song I'm unfamiliar with. The other was a question to a comment I made. I refused to reply to that SMS, hoping that she would understand what I meant by it.

Meeting with her this morning though, I don't think that was the case. In fact, judging from her reaction to me this morning, I doubt that I had succeeded in saving what relationship we had. She responded in an annoyed manner as I nudged her lightly on the shoulder. Neither did she seem interested in the response that I gave her to her question two nights ago. In fact, I think she really doesn't want to be on good terms with me. Just like Dulce.

I don't have to sulk about it, do I? I mean, things turn out this way between friends every now and then, don't they? I don't need to think about these things too much do I? If she wants to be hostile with me, then let her. I've survived Dulce. I've survived Abi. I can survive her if she insists on being this way. I can be hostile too if she wants. And here I thought that she'd be different from Dulce because she's more understanding than that girl. But I can see that Prankie's driving her up the wall and she's starting to behave irrationally...

I wonder if Prankie knows that he's driven a wedge between Pai and I?

As I went to sleep that night, I had a dream. Everyone important to me in college was in that dream. There was Jamie and friends, who for once was not ridiculing me. There was Pai, and we were still close, but I didn't talk to her much. There was Lassie, whose yellow candle I knocked over accidentally so I volunteered to repair it for her. And finally, there was Dulce, whom I was initially annoyed with because she just seemed to be blocking everywhere I needed to be and hogging the table that I needed to repair Lassie's candle. When I shouted at her, she just smiled at me, as though toying with me and forgetting everything that happened between us. I said some other stuff then, but I can't remember what they were. All I know at the end of that dream, was that I was on good terms with everyone again. And I could live peacefully.

I guess that's just my naive subconscious talking...

Its amazing how many things I get to think of at night, just before bedtime. I wonder, if these have anything to do with my mind's preference to stay up at night? I find myself more capable of contemplation at night, whether it be personal contemplation, leisurely contemplation, academic contemplation... I just seem to think better at night, as compared to other times of the day...

Like today, for example. I was supposed to write something down last night, as I finished playing Ragnarok. It was an experience from my childhood, when somebody scolded me for being a brat... However, I forgot all the passion that came with it last night as I woke up this morning. Perhaps when the feeling about the incident returns, I'll write about it.

Jamie's party last Friday was so-so... Sweet and Lana were hogging the mike when we arrived, as usual. And it was obvious that they've had a bit of drink in them already. I can't explain how, I just know. I had a bit of fun myself, but Yuso and Terence weren't particulary enjoying themselves. Perhaps it had something to do with all the drinking and singing that was involved -- Jamie did want the party to be a drinking and karaoke session, and maybe those two didn't like such a party. After all, they don't drink alcohol...

I think I've managed to drink an entire bottle of that Red Horse Grande... Or maybe a bottle and a half... I'm not sure. I do know that after around 40 minutes since we arrived, I could feel a hint of vertigo. My walk was becoming clumsy and I nearly tripped over a wire. I wasn't drunk yet though, not even tipsy. Just dizzy...

Perhaps there's something in beer itself that would want the drinker's body to get rid of it as soon as possible. I know I could drink the same amount of softdrink or water without having to go to the comfort room immediately. However, the beer was giving me trouble... I had to step out of Yuso's car in the middle of traffic just to relieve myself because my bladder was already screaming at me. And despite my aversion to the taste of beer, I found the taste of Red Horse a bit more... agreeable, as compared to San Miguel.

I would have wanted to stay longer in Jamie's party, but Yuso and Terence wanted to go home early. I guess it would have been better, otherwise I might have drunk myself silly. Perhaps some other time then...

How long has it been since the last time I wrote down something here? Far too long I believe... Ragnarok seems to have this ability to seep away my desire to write at home. Or could it be that I just don't have anything to write about? Hmmmm....

I tried out a bit of the bottle of Stolichnaya Vodka here at home. As I opened it though, I thought I opened a bottle of ethyl alcohol -- the vodka must have been aging quite well here. The scent in itself almost put me off, but I remembered that the more vodka smells like rubbing alcohol, the more potent it must be. I would have wanted to try out an entire glass, but I was afraid that my Father would find out... So I restrained myself. I was right, the vodka was particularly nice. I think I might have to buy a bottle one of these days to bring to the next drinking party...

Due to sheer luck, I think I've finally found who the other person my mom is having an affair with is. It seems like its the taxi driver that the parlor introduced to her... I mean, it can't be coincidence that the driver has the same name as the other person, could it? Plus, wouldn't it be strange for the same driver to come and fetch her regularly? I doubt it...

Now the question is, what do I do about it? Just like what am I supposed to do with Pai's prankie?

I feel so useless right now...

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Ahh... There just isn't a lot of things to do...

Today is Jamie's birthday. Frankly, I'd really like to go to her party at Grace's place... But I don't think I'd like the company there. I'm pretty picky when it comes to my companions... There's some drinking involved though. Which is what's calling me over to her gig.

Actually, I'm having second thoughts if I want to go or not. We aren't really on very good terms these days. I've mentioned that before, somewhere in the book. And I don't exactly know why that happened. I guess it just did...

I'm glad that our phone line has been reconnected though. At least I can go back to playing online when I'm bored (which is usually the case at home, despite all the books that are waiting to be read). Hopefully, I'll get to do something productive soon.

Right now, I'm preparing to be able to go at a moment's notice.

There's still a lot of things that need to be said. Too bad I can't seem to find the time to do them...

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I knew I forgot something last week... Now I have an archive link that contains only one half-hearted article... What a waste of space.

And now, at the start of the week, I'm at it again, trying to write down thoughts that would otherwise consume me. Maybe I have to learn to think less... Less than I usually do, that is...

The trail of thought that was supposed to have followed the above paragraphs have been moved to the journal. I found that the content in them was better off told to the rest of the world, than to have been kept locked in here. It was a pretty long article too, surprisingly. Perhaps it was fallout from too much reading, not that I'd want to stop reading...

I'm actually glad that I'm going back to my first hobby. Before I even took up the controller of the Famicom back in 1988, before I even got hooked to pen-and-paper RPG's, as well as online CRPG's, I was a reader. A heavy reader in fact, that I read all the books at home that caught my attention (those that didn't, well, they stayed on their shelves, their pages rotting away), and that was before I hit 10 years of age.

Now, I feel like my brain is starting to atrophy. I'm no longer as young as I always think I am. My learning is now nowhere near as good as they were, years ago. I find my brain starting to become static and unchanging. As much as I'm trying to stop the process, I seem to be doing all the wrong choices to stop it. Perhaps I really should learn to accept more responsibility. The quick thinking required in performing work, might actually re-ignite the flames of learning in my brain...

So what have I done in the past week? Aside from reading, why absolutely nothing! I feel like I've wasted a week of my life, except that I didn't even feel the passage of time, engrossed as I was with my reading. Jamie, Lana, and Jason have started to move into an apartment near Dulce's... I could still remember how nervous she was when she first suggested the place to other people looking for a dorm (like Pai)... And now I think of how hypocritical she was because its quite obvious that she's glad with her new neighbors... Pfah! (I wonder if she's changed though, or if she just is a hypocrite) And today, I caught myself getting annoyed with Pai and Jamie smoking. I was about to go into a rage again, when I saw the box of cigarettes that was beside Pai... Again. It just seems that no matter what amount of convincing I do to myself, there is just no way in the world that I'll be able to accept the reality of my friends smoking. In my mind, it is and will always be a vile habit... I wonder when other people will realize my concerns. Perhaps when I'm dead?

I was expecting to experience something exciting near the end of the week. Unfortunately, no such thing happened. And despte having an opportunity to meet with Candy last Saturday, I didn't capitalize on it. Candy arrived back at their home later than I left (and chances are, went right to sleep... I didn't even get her number from her brothers).

Yesterday, I entertained the son of the owner of Herc's in Ortigas with stories of the tribes of Werewolves from White Wolf. As usual, the poor guy was confused, with the amount of information that was already published about them. I think I should've slowed down with the information that I gave him. The same thing happened to him when he tried to ask "what was happening to 'Legend of the Five Rings' now". As interested as I believe he was to the storyline, he had a hard time keeping up with the events that have happened.

Just like the confusion I'm experiencing right now...

I haven't been able to sleep properly last night -- probably due to the amount of Mountain Dew that I imbibed during dinner -- I've been thinking about certain things (again with the thinking, I think too much, and act too slow). It never occurred to me that people might actually lie to me. I always thought that when people were to talk to me, they would never have the audacity to lie to me.

Perhaps I could be wrong, similarly in many ways.

My mother doesn't lie to me about her relation with my hateful uncle. At least, its not an outright lie, because I haven't asked her anything about it. Its more like a careful manipulation of the truth. Hiding it so that it wouldn't cause too much attention.

What I learned recently is different, and definitely disturbing even to me, if true.

There is something that is troubling me. It took me sometime to remember this: how could Pai's mom have known the address of this book? There are only two people who know of the actual address of this book -- Pai and Adnan. I'm not pretty sure if Pai even knew the address before her mother told her, which means that only Adnan knew the address to this book. And since there is no way that this book could be found by online search engines...

Who gave the address of this book to Pai's mom?

So far, I can't accept the truth that is being thrust to my face. The answer is too convenient, too simple, too stupid! Could it be possible that Stitchking and Prankie really aren't the same person? If so, then why in the world did Stitchking suddenly back out from the opposition that he faced when Sweet and Jamie sent their response to him? If he really was helping as he claimed, why didn't he go through with his help? What was he afraid of?

And why frame Adnan? Why not me, or Hubert?

Wheels within wheels within wheels.

How frustrating. To further add to the mystery, how could he possibly know so much about what troubles we were experiencing? Who is his source of information? He says that it is Prankie himself... But that would make no sense -- as I said, if he was really intent on helping, then why did he suddenly back out?

Perhaps there was more to his message then I actually thought? Than I initially interpreted?

Now I regret not having contacted the man earlier.

Ah, Pride would certainly be my fall someday. If not anger...

I prayed to God last night before I went to sleep (despite my agnostic tendencies) for the solution to this problem. I'm hoping that what I'm thining right now isn't the solution that I asked for...

And just in case that it is -- Would I be able to act accordingly?

I feel even more despair with this article than the other "woe is me" articles that I've written before...

I can't seem to write anything else with these days. I mean, things that don't pertain to "woeful" things in my life... Sure, its kinda therapeutic to write about how I feel like being used by all the girls that I know. Sure its therapeutic to note that people aren't treating me the way I want to be treated...

Reporting all these depressing things are kind of nice... But I don't want this book to be filled with my problems... There's just no point. If I wanted a book to vent my anger, I would just rename this book into the book of red-hot anger or something like that...

I mean, I'm tired of writing down the nth time that I see Jamie smoke. I'm tired of mentioning the xth time that Pai didn't even say a thing to me. I'm tired of informing other people about how Lassie has just used me again... Come on, how many times have I seen those things in this book? Despite the fact that currently, they're the people that run my world, there's more to my life than those three...

I don't want to think about Candy, and how I fear for what I believe I've done to her... I don't want to think about Nich, whose actions I just can't understand... I don't want to think about Dulce, and how there seems to be no end to our "argument"... I mean, can't I just move on with some things in my life? Just like how I've managed to move on with Charlene (Sure, I can't manage to move on with how my Mother and Uncle are... I don't know... what the hell are they doing?)? I just want to leave all my worries behind...

Unfortunately, they seem to have a habit of coming back to haunt me...

I wonder, what would knowing who the people who read this book do to me? I've been thinking of opening this book to everyone else I know once I graduate... But thinking again... I don't think its that important to let everyone know how I think... After all, what makes me think that the people I would like to give me importance now would treat me well once they know how I think?