Feeling really, really good these days, but not for a lack of troubles. Last year, I would always write here whenever I really felt bad, or whenI felt incredibly good, or when I felt really, really bored. I always felt bad whenever I had a lot of things to do, or when I people took me for granted, and other shit like that. But these days, it would probably take a lot just to make me depressed -- its a definite improvement from before.

Anyway, I thought like writing anything that comes to mind today. Which means that the first topic in my mind would be DotA -- short for Defense of the Ancients, a custom map for Warcraft III that pits (as of current count) 30 heroes on opposite sides against each other. This doesn't require a lot of strategy for the player, because the player doesn't need to create his base or anything. All a player has to do is to raze the opposing team's base. How he does that is entirely up to him.

I was watching Terence and Aaron go one-on-one a few minutes ago, pitting Bredwarden the Centaur Warchief against Medusa the Gorgon. Normally, I would have to say that Medusa (Terence in this game) should have quit and made a second one, since normally, there was nothing that Medusa could do to damage the centaur. It turns out that Cholo taught Terence some fine strategy against the centaur -- slow him until the centaur's life dwindled to nothing. The effectiveness of the strategy has just started to become clean for me right now. As I saw myself being trapped in that situation. Even if the Centaur had a ton of life, there was little it could do against an enemy it couldn't hit, added to the fact that there were a ton of other units attacking it all at the same time.

Terence lost eventually though. Because Aaron simply pumped the centaur's armor, almost eliminating every shot that came from the gorgon. But the fight was good, Terence actually killing the centaur a few times.

I should have written that in the other journal, seeing as how it had absolutely nothing to do with my life at all. But who cares, I'll write anything I want here. After all, this is supposed to be the private area. Who'll tell me what to write and not to write here, right?

Well anyway, I can see that my writing is suffering from a ton of run-on sentences, off-tangent comments, and this nagging feeling that's asking me to put "hehe" after almost all my sentences. Don't get me wrong though, I just want this thing to look a little bit formal. I almost always add "hehe" on other writings -- letters, notes, etc. But I want this thing to look a little bit more formal. After all, it might bring me a lot of money when someone finds this out and decides to turn it into a movie, or some bestselling novel.

Of course, I could always dream on...

The next thing on my mind has got to be my thesis. I really regret the day that I thought of writing down my name in that ridiculous satellite topic. I mean, I really like the satellite communicatons topic, its pretty interesting really, but I should have known that nothing good would have come out of it, knowing that the adviser handling that topic is Dr. Reyes. I don't know, maybe she really is just too busy to handle a thesis group, or maybe she's just overexpecting, but I really don't like the way that she's handling our group. Because it took us a long time to come up with a decent topic to replace the non-existent satellite program (the damned satellite antenna data-gathering equipment was broken therefore, it was unworkable.) which in itself was pretty damned difficult -- a microphone that stores presentation files to be connected to a simple television unit, its an add-on to an already existing product: the microphone is a machine that when hooked up to a TV would play videoke files, we were just thinking of adding something else to offer it to other people. The company who produced the microphone didn't want anything to do with our thesis though, so there goes that idea. I couldn't think of any other idea though, so our adviser asked us to come up with a machine that could be hooked up to a TV and still play powerpoint presentations; create a small computer that would do nothing else except play presentations -- a stupid idea, I know, but our adviser insisted on it. It was promptly shut down by the other advisers.

So I was all ready to move into another topic, maybe something that had to do with wireless fidelity connections, since I've been spending a lot of time in the other thesis rooms, and this sounded like the easiest and the one that gave the most fun. But our adviser refused to let us transfer, and offered a robotics project to us. While I'm interested in robotics, I suck at the basic fields required under that topic: electronics, mechanics, and programming. I don't know what to do, neither do I know how to proceed.

To top it all off, I got paired up with the one student in school that I know is lazier than I am: Nap. Crap, I'm starting to think all the jests made by my batchmates might actually come true: I might not graduate on time. Damn this. Stupid adviser, stupid thesismate, stupid thesis topic even.

Oh yeah, my thesis? I'm supposed to make an enclosure for this robotic arm and provide games that woud utilize the robotic arm. I'm not going to make the arm because the arm is already available. I just need to do the enclosure, the games, and the power supply that would power the arm. And since the damned thing is too easy, they gave us another project: create a hopscotch robot/game whatever. I'm supposed to make a hopscotch field whose squares would light up, depending on the next square you're supposed to step on. I mean, the next square you're supposed to jump on would light up, and if you dont' step on it in time, then you lose the game. The other advisers all looked at me funny, and asked "What makes it thesis-material?"

I am really starting to panic right now.

Sigh. Anyway, I think that would be it for this session. I'm starting to get my touch back, but the writing style has changed again. I've mentioned this before, my writing style always changes without my knowing. I still haven't read what I wrote down before, so I still dont' know what feelng I'll get after reading my recent articles (I'm guessing I'll be disgusted with the quality of my writing), but I'm betting I'll be surprised to find out that I was the one writing all these things.

Writing is starting to feel very strange for me. I feel like I'm no longer used to writing about anything at all. Its like I have this huge block in my brain that's not stopping ideas from coming out, but rather stopping words from flowing, or preventing ideas from merging with each other.

It isn't really a problem, more like an annoyance, because I know that writing is one of my pastimes and stress relievers, and I can't do it anymore. I'm thinking, maybe its because I completely stopped writing for well over a year. All so I can spend some more time with Lassie, or thinking about Lassie, heck, so I can think why I needed Lassie in my life or some ridiculous thing like that.

Bad move on my part, because it just made me feel even closer to her.

But that's all water under the bridge now. I've moved on to better things in life, and I'm glad I finally found someone that's worth spending time on. I mean, really spending time and effort, and emotions, and feelings, and sharing thoughts with, and all those things.

In short, I've found someone worthwhile to love.

Enter Jennifer Angela Almelor. Honestly, she's not one of those people that knocks you off your feet the first time you meet her. Neither will the next time you see her (she's stunning once she takes time to put on make-up and dress up though), but once you find a way to talk to her... Whoa.

You'd think she's shy. You'd think she's a loner type, or even a weak personality because she's always around with Jolyn. But that's what people always see. The real part of her is when she's alone. THAT will blow you away, assuming you can talk to her at that time though. I guess, I still fall for girls that look snobbish. Actually, in a sense, Jenny, or Angel as I prefer to call her, is a snob too. But that won't show because of her extreme shyness, and eagerness to please. She's got good control of her emotions, and more likely to tell you that she's at fault, than risk wounding your emotions. She's not one to notice people easily though, preferring her own company than looking for others.

Not that she's unfriendly. Actually, she's very friendly, but the point is, you have to go through that shell of hers.

But that's not the point here. What I really want to say is, I'm glad I found her. Or rather, I'm glad I got to know her very, very well.

Because I found someone I'd want to spend my life with. Someone worth spending my entire life with... She's my Significant Other. And I wouldn't want anyone else to hold that title.

How long did I try to hide from everything that's been happening to me?

Around 3 weeks? Perhaps a month? It doesn't matter really... I'm still trying to escape from the truth that is around me...

I'm starting to get really affected with how Lassie is acting. That's really bad news, because that means that I'll suddenly start to grow morose when she's not talking to me. That means that I'm starting to fall for her again, and the last thing that I need right now is to fall for her... I don't need to wreck my life again...

Anyway, today is Eng's birthday. It seems like a lot of people have forgotten it, and she doesn't really want anyone else to be reminded of today's occassion... Suits me fine, I'm not really interested in talking to other people.

Other people, that means Jamie and Co. Not that I don't want to see them -- I can tolerate speaking to them individually and not as a group (except for Lana who is still an ass). I just don't want to speak to them, because that would mean that I've forgiven them for being elitists. I still can't get over that, I can't get over the fact that they could easily dismiss me (although in hindsight, I should have realized they could do that, if they could easily dismiss Lassie).

Damn... I sort of forgot what I wanted to say... I have to end this quick before other people come in and bother me. Before I get bothered by Lassie's presence in the room...

Ah...

Releasing all that depression really feels good... At least I no longer need to feel sad about how people aren't noticing me, that will always be the case anyway, ever since I changed for the worse. Hopefully, others would learn to accept how I am right now, or I can change again into something better. Its just a matter of time, anyway, and accepting how people are. Once that happens, I'm on my way to becoming a happy person again.

In the meantime, I have to put up with myself being a bitch.

I guess there really is just something that would further annoy me when Lassie just brushes me off like that. Maybe its a lingering idea that she's the last one I would want to ignore me. I mean, she's the only one left from my old friends, and I wouldn't want her to leave me too.

Or leave me again... That would be applicable too.

I don't want to face any feelings for her yet. I just want to establish the fact that she's a friend. I don't want her to leave before that happens. I don't want anything to happen before we become friends. Somehow, I have this feeling that her considering me a "brother" is a good thing... I don't even know if she's serious about me being her "brother" at all. Besides, I don't think I'd make a good "elder brother"...

There's also the fact that I have bad experiences with caring for siblings... I'm not exactly the emotional type of sibling, not the supportive kind at least.

And how do I expect her to pay any attention to me when she has an impending exam in an hour?

... Frost, you really are too much of a self-sacrificing fool...

Anyway, this kind of self-destructive arguments seem to bring the worst out in me. And where do they stem from? When I'm all alone walking around in malls, without anything to occupy my mind... When I start thinking and reminscing on the good days when everyone was a good happy group of friends, not this muddled mess that I'm in right now...

This self-destructive things just don't suit me at all. Its just too much of a change in what I really am, that anyone who sees it would really wonder if it were really I... I'm too full of hope sometimes, that there just doesn't seem to ever have room for any depression at all. I still have them though -- all the negative thoughts in the world... I just can keep them really, really well. Walling them up, ignoring them, displacing them... Anything just to get rid of them, but sometimes, they just come up like waves... And that's when I really have to let them all out.

And honestly, I really feel bad about it sometimes -- when I do things that I wouldn't normally do on good days... Despite the pleasure that I gain when I let go, I feel bad. Except perhaps on certain occassions, when people really deserve it.

I guess I'm just too much of a dumb person to learn to think for myself...

People say its a good idea to have a book like this to get more in touch with the inner self.

I think that's not true -- I'm afraid of facing my inner self. I'm afraid that when I see it, it would turn out to be much, much worse than what I imagine it is. An evil force 50 times worse than the exact polar opposite of what is my outer self... I'm curious to see it though, to see what sorts of monsters I keep inside my head.

Ah... Now that all that depression is gone, I can think clearly again. I can work again. I can see the bright colors that freshen up the world again, instead of just seeing the bad things and concentrating on myself.

As a side note, recently, when I try to talk to other people, I no longer seem to make the effort to really KNOW them. Its just like they're bodies with names that never seem to matter because they just trudge around like other bodies do. I seem to have lost the ability to instinctively know if people are telling the truth or not, if they're good or not, if they're trustworthy or not. All I see are bodies.

Names with bodies that can talk.

I can't even figure out what people want anymore... How sad.

Delusional Fool!

Whatever made you think that people would actually like you Frost? You are a blight on this world, suffered to live by other beings only because of your idiotic idea to be used! Do you really think you have any purpose to exist? Not even those people you call friends and family find any sort of use for you...

You're not even worth wasting my effort on! Why don't you just lie down on the floor and wait for death? At least the earth can still use your materials to make plants grow!

What makes you think that people give a damn on what you do? Do you think the journal is a funny idea? Well its not! Its just a futile attempt to catch attention because you know that no pays anything to you anymore! You rant on and on about hypocrites and how you hate them, but you're one yourself! Have you ever heard the phrase "clean your own backyard first?"

I guess even if you did, you'll just ignore it... That's what you always do anyway. You don't pay attention to anything that doesn't interest you -- and since you've never liked criticism in the first place, when have you ever considered the benefits of other people in your life?

You think that serving other people is your purpose? That's just a load of hogwash! People USE people! You just happen to be more convenient than others because of your "sense of honor" -- a.k.a. your gullibility! In your search for someone to pay attention to you, you would gladly bend knee to anyone who would ask "help" from you!

Tell me frankly, Frost... Has any good actually come from your brand of "help"? Has anyone actually benefitted from all the "assistance" that you give? Or has everything just been a show to feed your own bloated, putrescent ego? Your own overblown self-esteem? You tried to help Pai... and what was the result? Why a broken relationship that just gave her more pain! Don't try to deny it, you hypocrite... there's no denying the fact that you do nothing but wreck other people's lives!

How CAN you help other people in their relationships in the first place? You can't even mend the hole in your own parents' relationship! You can't even do a thing about your mother's affair with your uncle! You can't do a thing about your father's infidelity! You can't do a thing about your elder brother's child problem! You can't even do a thing to change yourself! What makes you think that you could "spend the effort to help others"? What would you help them on? How to change for the worse?

What arrogance you have!

And now you listen to all the people that you knew in college... and wait for them to ask you for anything, anything at all. But you've already isolated yourself from everyone around you. You can't relate to anything that they talk about because you turn away from them. In your misguided attempt to look for attention, you've only succeeded in alienating yourself from them! And you blame everyone else for your problems? You've brought your own problems down on yourself!

Despite the fact that you've always been a "proponent of conversation" you're the first to break down in such a situation! Breaking down and shutting yourself out whenever you no longer feel any interest in the conversation. And you blame others for your recent communication problems? I don't know if you're an idiot or worse...

So after isolating yourself from your old peer group, you try to get close to other people... You try to approach Lassie. Are you looking for a kindred soul? Someone who understands the pain that you felt when your "friends" betrayed you? What for? So that you can revel in your misery?

And what happened next then? Instead of putting things into perspective, you instead wallow in the feeling that there is someone who hates your "friends" as much as you do... You wallow in the fact that you are the maltreated one -- when it is blatantly obvious that YOU maltreated them!

And do you really expect that just spending time with other people would be enough to get them to open up to you? That you'd get their hearts? That they'd be grateful for your miserable presence in their lives? That they'd actually love you? Wherever did you get that stupid idea? You're not living in a movie, fool! You're living in the real world! That sort of thing doesn't exist!

Crying now, Frost? Realizing how worthlessly you've spent your time in this world? Do you think that changing yourself overnight would change how people view you?

Are you really that naive? Whatever you do in your remaining time in college will no longer change how people look at you! Face it, Frost... You've branded yourself as a LOSER the moment you stepped into college. And there's no escaping it anymore...

Perhaps you can try to runaway again, Frost... That's what you always do anyway.

You're Most Like The Season Summer ...

Whoa.... Passionate eh ?? Typically you're a fiery,
zesty dominant person. As the hottest season,
you certainly ooze Sex appeal. You have
confidence which draws people to you, and you
have the makings of a good leader.
However sometimes your exterior is stronger then
you are and so you scare people off before they
can get close.

Well done... You're the most memorable of seasons
:)


?? Which Season Are You ??
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You're Most Like The Season Winter ...

You're often depicted as the cold, distant season.
But you're incredibly intelligent, mature and
Independant. You have an air of power around
you - and that can sometimes scare people off.
You're complex, and get hurt easily - so you
rarely let people in if you can help it. You
can be somewhat of a loner, but just as easily
you could be the leader of many. You Tend to be
negative, and hard to relate to, but you give
off a relaxed image despite being insecure -
and secretly many people long to be like you,
not knowing how deep the Winter season really
is.

Well done... You're the most inspirational of
seasons :)


?? Which Season Are You ??
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this quiz is so rigged... I actually received a summer result? Damn, I must be pretty bubbly today to receive such a... warm result.



You're dark, twisted and gorgeous, Angelina Jolie.


What sexy girl are you
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You'll play anything; renting games to you is like
playing a game of russian roulette, you'll just
pick one out of the blue and rent it. It could
be bad, it could be good. You like to take
risks.


What type of gamer are you?! Warning: Not all types specified, images are low quality, questions are cheesy.
brought to you by Quizilla



You are Char's custom Zaku II. Being Char's
personal mobile suit (until he moves onto
bigger and better things) you tear up the field
like nobodies business. You're a born leader,
and everybody in their right mind is afraid of
you.


What Zeon Mobile Suit are you? (pictures)
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Brown/Honey -> You aren't too keen on telling
people everything, but you sure do love your
friends. They love you too, but you do have
your flaws. They're about your attitude. You
are too bossy for your own good. Try to
improve and raise your patience level. Other
than that you're great!


What Color Are Your Anime Eyes?
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yes... increase my patience... as if I need that...

You know what's starting to annoy me with Quizilla?

The endless quizzes they have about vampires. Vampire names, vampire clans, vampire bloodlines, vampire this, vampire that... the first few times it appeared, it was pretty interesting, despite the fact that the results sucked -- an obvious rip-off of Vampire: the Masquerade.

The next few times that it appeared, plus the fact that they kept plugging their silly site, well, that pretty much was enough reason to start avoiding vampire quizzes like the plague. They wouldn't even be able to put in any interesting results in there that I haven't possibly read somewhere. And its obvious that their sources are always the same. I hope the quizilla owner takes care of that silly problem (but I doubt it, seeing how many people are putting in other silly quizzes just to have people to "talk" to or something...).

Anyway, guilty pleasures are actually fun... I had the chance to verbally assault Lana yesterday, when he was pestering me about a question from the quiz. Well to be fair, I was talking to someone else at the time, and was trying to block out his voice in order to converse with (was it Eng?) properly. When he tried to raise his voice to be heard, I raised my voice in turn. Well, it wasn't that serious: I just asked him loudly what he wanted. Although it was in a tone that was definitely annoyed... Hehehe...

That put him in his place. So what if he doesn't talk to me? Like that is a big loss to me... It's not like he talks to me casually anyway, after all, he'll only call my attention when he needs something.

Hah! I still feel real good about it.

Now that's a guilty pleasure -- feeling good about something bad I did. Of course, its not really THAT bad, but... In any case, I still feel real good about it.

Now what's bothering me is the fact that I seem to have some lingering concern for Jamie. I mean, when I heard that she was sick or something, I was trying real hard to restrain myself from asking everyone what was wrong with her. Unfortunately, the people that I asked didn't even want to answer my question so I had no choice but to call her up myself. Something that I really, really don't feel like doing...

Too bad calling her didn't give me the information that I was looking for. I just learned that she was sick with some sort of feminine illness that I couldn't probably figure (duh! sherlock) out. I was shocked when I started feeling concerned for her. I guess I'm not yet as cold-hearted as I'm making myself out to be (I don't think I'll ever be cold-hearted anymore. Just damned unresponsive to certain people). I can't even carry a proper grudge I think. I might have to re-evaluate myself soon...

In the meantime, I've just read Neil Gaiman's latest Sandman work. All I could say is... nice

You are the hellspawn. You are the dark. The one,
the only ----- GRIM REAPER! YAY!!! You love to
kill and reap of souls and kill some more and
scare the $hit out of people. And it's D@mn
fun, too.


What type of freak of nature are you?!
brought to you by Quizilla



You're a MYSTIC! A mystic needs basic information
to interpret the story or plot. You carry
characteristics of both plotters and pantsers,
and therefore you may have been unsure about
your writing personality. You may write a
chapter or two to get the story going, and then
write a very basic synopsis or outline of major
plot events. Nothing is set in stone. You
allow your intuition and inspiration to guide
you. You may stick to a steady schedule, or
you may write in bursts. Most mystics write
with a fair amount of regularity--not every
day, but maybe the same days of the week seem
to work best for you. You may revise the
previous days writing before continuing on with
new prose. Mystics carry the best
characteristics of both plotting and pantsing.
You are committed, but flexible. You are
creative, but organized. You have both a good
voice, and the grammatical skill to pull off a
great novel.


Find Your Writing Personality!!
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What Anime Bad Girl Are You?




Can we eat yet?
What Anime Bad Boy Are You? Quiz 2




Quiz Title



What anime hue are you?

Why is it violet? If I'm so badass... WHY IS IT VIOLET????




The white dragon of mechs
What's Your Anime Weapon?

Ugh... is there no other mech or weapon that I would like?



Thwack
What's Your Anime Power?





Nuts-O Angel

Find out what anime villan you are.






HAHAHAHA

Find out what anime character cliche you are.





Dead Servant

Find out what bishonen you are.





Cutest little dragon master.

Find out what anime girl you are.


How many quizzes have I taken? Damn... I'm an addict...





You have an empty smile.

Find out what anime bad boy you are.


That's it... That's the last one. Now to study my report in a few minutes...

You are a Chinese dragon. Among the many Chinese
dragons are: Lung, the most powerful of the
Oriental Dragons who is completely deaf, and
has the power to produce rain, too. In
addition, Lung is a symbol of the East and the
sun. The Celestial dragon, who protects the
mansions of the Chinese Gods. The Spiritual
dragon, who creates rain and wind for mankind.
The Dragon of Hidden Treasures, who helps keep
watch over concealed wealth. The Coiling
dragon, who lives in the water, primarily lakes
and deep, deep waters. And, the Yellow dragon,
who is especially important, for this dragon
emerged from water and aided the Emperor Fu Shi
by showing him writing.



Which type of Eastern Dragon are You?
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Foxy watch! Your a successfull brand named Foxy.
You are very stylish and cutting edge. Your a
great brand.


What type of watch are you? (great pictures!)
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you are'nt an angel...you R..a normal human
person...you know that not all the people like
you & you don't leave in a dream...you leave
here!on earth!& that good...


What angel R you?
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I'm not an angel???? Darn it!!!!




Your Dolly! Your the best mag for teens going
through their tough years. Your comforting and
you offer lots of answers to many question.
Your mainly for teens, but aduls can read you
as well.


What magazine are you? (great results)
brought to you by Quizilla




Your cluedo. Your mysterious and very sneaky, and
you take a while to figure out, but along the
way you have heaps of laughs and tonnes of fun.


What board game are you? (interesting results)
brought to you by Quizilla


honestly though... I've never played this game before. I wonder how it really plays like?





You are MSN Messenger, ICQ, Yahoo or AOL


Which Computer Program are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Jamie's being pretty whiny (bitchy?) recently... I don't know if my noticing this is a direct observation of her actual behavior, or just a reaction of my aversion to her (I'm trying to be a nice guy today, so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt). Nevertheless, I can't stand being around her or her companions -- it just keeps irritating me endlessly. Er... Let me rephrase that.

I can't stand being around her presence or Lana's for that matter because there's something about the two of them that irritates me to no end. Is it because I feel like I'm constantly being used by this girl? A girl who wouldn't even bother to say my name if she didn't need someone to translate Chinese to some other language? Or is it because I feel like I was thrown to a side in exchange for other people that she could call her friends? I really don't know. All I know is I'm incredibly irritated at her for being... inhuman. For treating other people like objects.

I can't stand Lana for the grossly insensitive comments that come out of his mouth. I can't stand Lana because he just can't take a hint sometimes. I mean, glaring at him should already be enough of a sign for him to shut up, but I don't know if he's dense or doing things on purpose, he just doesn't know when to shut up sometimes. Additionally, he can just as quickly sweet talk someone into doing what he wants, even though what he wants to do isn't as important as what the person he bothered was doing. And when you try to sweet talk him into doing something when he's doing something important, he'll come out all "moral" and stuff and tell you that he's doing something important and you aren't. That offending tongue of his just screams to be cut out.

Anyway, Jamie's been asking for a pronounciation guide to a certain scene from Meteor Garden for a week now. I don't know what came over me, perhaps the spirit of Mr. Nice Guy, but I decided to give in to her request... Perhaps it was to shut her up from pestering other people about what she wants. Unfortunately, acquiescing to her request now would mean that she'd be more insistent later on, and would probably ask for more favors eventually. I don't think I can fully return to being Mr. Nice Guy yet... I hope I can hold out on helping people in need.

Maybe the reason why I'm so annoyed about Jamie is the fact that she set me aside in exchange for other people. I just feel irritated when Jason talks (because she talks to Jason more than she talks to me) to her and calls her his "bf" or "breakfast-mate". Don't ask me where the term came from. It just stuck, and they now call each other that way. You can just imagine the amount of confusion in other people's minds when they hear that "callsign"...

Really. I can't explain why I'm suddenly annoyed at the guy. He's never done anything wrong to me (at least none that I rememer holding a grudge for) but I can't shake the feeling that I'm heavily annoyed at him. Could it be because its so obvious that he likes Jamie and that Jamie is indulging him? Or is it because I can feel that he's slowly becoming part of the Elitists?

Whatever... I'm irritated at him, and I don't think the reason is important yet.

And then there's Cholo, who has a smart mouth. I mean, I'm annoyed at his snide comments about people and things. I just can't explain completely why I'm annoyed at him... Its just like saying why is a dog annoyed at a cat -- its illogical! I just dislike him with a passion.

I don't even know why I made this article about Jamie and her bitchiness (well I'm supposed to comment on the periodicity of her bitchiness, but I can't seem to find how to prove it). I was just irritated at how bitchy she was acting when she arrived this afternoon, and was acting like she was princess of all she surveyed, and that everyone should give in to her desires. I'm just irritated at how she's attracted to every single Chinese guy in the block, except for me and Terence and I can't explain why. Maybe that's the reason I'm irritated at her -- I'm bitter!

Well... It doesn't matter I suppose. I'm irritated at them and I won't talk to them for some time. Until I'm no longer irritated at them I suppose.

I just found out recently that I might be approaching "schizoidal" behavior. I mean, I think I'm about to be diagnosed as "schizoidal". Do take note that I'm not in any way "schizophrenic" -- there is a difference. Schizoidal is different from schizophrenic in the same way that a spider is not an insect. They're both mental illnesses, but definitely different from each other.

What does it mean if I'm schizoidal? It means that there are a lot of thoughts in my mind that could actually be delusions and not actual facts. In other words, I'm just imagining that Candy likes me. I'm just imagining that I have psychic powers. I'm just imagining that I'm God's special child. I'm just imagining that I'm THAT damn good...

In other words, there are a lot of things that boost my self-esteem that are actually just figments of my imagination. I can imagine how my self-esteem must be fidgeting around in my head... wondering if it's really capable of handling everything around it or if it should just roll over and wait for death or insanity to claim it.

And here I thought I had a good amount of self-control to be able to rein in my temper. It turns out that I'm actually mentally-imbalanced...

Just like I can't figure out if Lassie considers me a friend, a brother, or just another object to use. I guess knowing that I'm just a delusional individual just suddenly shattered my ability to figure out how a person thinks once I encounter him.

I can't even predict if a person is favorably predisposed towards me or not. And at a time when my social skills are quickly deteriorating... I think I'm screwed.

On the other hand, I think I'm pretty happy with myself. Too bad the happiness that I'm feeling with myself is just a poor... alternative to how I used to feel when I still had a lot of people I could call "friends".

I guess this is how the other people from high school felt when the class was divided into two. Then again, they could've felt the way I did at the time...

... I was delighted. At least I didn't need to associate with hypocrites anymore.

Too bad I've become one myself...

Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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So how long have I been ignoring everything in the world again? I think around a week now, judging from the number of pictures that are around. I can see the effort that I'm exerting to make this book appear interesting, too bad no one knows of this book's existence (neither would I want others to know). Well, at least I can be as creative as I want to be without fearing for criticism.

What DO I want to say anyway? I don't think there's anything that can be said in these days anyway... I'm drowning all my worries these days with minesweeper and surfing. I can't seem to find anything that's troubling me anymore. I do want to know what would be the results of my psychological testing from Jenny though...

I think I need to find something else to think about. I can feel like my brain's turning into jelly right now... It can't hold much of anything right now, including memory too.

Your Anime Life by kazoku
Your username
Gross income of creators	$3,206,519
Genre	Fantasy
Your role	Tentacle Monster
Your secret	You are the one chosen by fate to destroy the world.
Will you save the world?	Yes. Well, until next season.
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Your Anime Life by kazoku
Your username
Gross income of creators	$5,995,582
Genre	Horror
Your role	Love Interest
Your secret	You change genders randomly.
Will you save the world?	Yes, and you do so with the powers of truth, love, and an insane sugarhigh.
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

these are some interesting results... that was weird...

Neutron -- You don't take sides, you just sort of
hang out and blend into the crowd. If someone
lets you loose though, you can cause some
serious damage. If you are arround too many
other neutrons you get bored and start to
decay.


What kind of subatomic particle are you?
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Now this is the most interesting quiz I've seen so far...

My alarm clocks no longer have the ability to wake me up. Woke up late again today, with absolutely no recollection of having turned off all three alarm clocks except for a vague feeling that I did wake up earlier. I'll have to remember to set them up at the same time. Hopefully the combined noise would jolt me to wakefulness.

Anyway, I got called to the guidance office after the first class this morning. I was reluctant to go, knowing that it was just a "random summons" from the guidance counselors hoping to check-up on some students. However, I was afraid that it might have something to do with my disappearances in my core classes. At least if it were the latter, I would be able to have a warning on my standing. If it were the former... Well, let's just say that I had something more important to do.

It turned out to be the former.

I was so annoyed at first because I could've spent that time to study for an exam. I was already determined to cut my Theology class (I already had a cut last week for sleeping in) just to be able to study -- I didn't need the hassle of going to a guidance counseling. When she asked if I would want a rescheduling though, I changed my mind, because rescheduling meant that I'd have to go back there some other time. Since I was already there, I might as well do what the guidance office needed of me -- it wouldn't take too long anyway right?

Well, yes and no. Yes it shouldn't take too long -- they just wanted to check up on me that's all. I could've simply said yes and avoided all other questions. No because I decided to tell them a few problems, thinking that they could help me. I wasn't really thinking of telling them about how things are with my "friends" (if they still ARE my friends) but one thing led to another (I must be really bothered by Dulce and Pai for those things to slip through... I just didn't mention any names though) and I was retelling the story of how I started to drift away from my "friends".

What's amazing though, is that I suddenly felt relaxed after telling someone else about "this girl who's extremely jealous and incomprehensible" -- as if I've been keeping a lot of anger within me and all it needed was a bit of a release. I kept telling some more stories, about this "bestfriend who suddenly decided that we no longer are bestfriends", about this "group of people who are more comfortable staying that way than with me trying to find my place with them", about "this girl who was booted out of her group because they couldn't tolerate her". Just some anecdotes of course, i wasn't planning to tell everything to this person that I don't know (it tends to feel awkward, but on the other hand, it feels liberating to tell things to someone you don't know because you know he won't be biased or anything) otherwise I might suddenly go all "emotional" and stuff.

Anyway, as I stepped out of the guidance office, as I started to cram for 5 minutes for the exam, I felt my head suddenly clear up -- as if all my problems suddenly disappeared without a trace, and I could just fill it up with more relevant thoughts and ideas.

I got told that I had a strong tolerance though. That I could tolerate a lot of things, despite the fact that I seem to be very sensitive. I mean, I seem to be able to hold my temper, even on occassions where it would be acceptable to just lash out at everyone else. This translates to a very high EQ or something (I couldn't remember the other things that I've been told at the moment) and would be a nice thing for getting along well with others. My sensitivity could also be an advantage in courting other people, I seem to know my way around girls. And lastly, I present a facade that suggests I don't need attention, despite a nature that keeps screaming for attention. I guess that's the reason I always feel neglected -- because I show people I don't need others, when it is the opposite that is true...

I wonder how I would have reacted on some other day though, when some less desirable personality is dominant over me?

On a lighter note, the Theo project has been moved to the end of this month -- that means instead of less than a week to find couples and rush through the project, I have the time to contact my cousins and interview them for a few weeks more. I'm thinking of cheating the "active in church" requirement, bluffing the teacher on the degree of activity that my cousins exhibit. I guess so long as I can finish the project, I'll do almost anything...

How ironic though that I'd have to ask God for help there. I actually had to pray for that to work... I hate having to ask a superior being for favors, but I guess beggars can't really be choosers, can they?

Jamie has a monthly archive type for her blog -- suggesting that she's not too interested in maintaining a blog, just in having one that would rarely be checked... Either that, or she's really busy recently and can't update her blog as often. I have a good month to see what she's going to put up... Hopefully something that's pretty, and not just a ton of ranting just like what this Book is starting to deteriorate to.

How long has it been since I felt like writing anything in this book? I guess around 2 weeks? I've been pretty recently, as I've been saying in the journal... So busy in fact that I couldn't even write anything in here.

As if that could ever happen. I've been spending a lot of time recently with Lassie, and frankly, I can feel my old self returning -- that person who would protect and care for friends whatever trouble they were in, as long as the guy was free. Well, I do know that I'm not yet in full helping mode, not yet in full friends-first, self-later assistance mode. But I can feel myself going there soon, if I don't stop myself in the process. As I've mentioned before, I'm pretty sure that something would come up before the end of the year (hopefully not, of course), and if I dumbly give my self to others again, I'm pretty sure that I'll be hurt before the end of the year (and start becoming autistic again...)

I've had a good dream last... Wednesday? I think that was it. Lassie was asking me to wake her up that morning at 3AM. The gullible fool that I was, I agreed, on the condition that I'd wake her up IF I woke up. I made plans to wake up at that time, unfortunately, when the alarm rang, and just as I was about to call her up, I fell asleep again. It seems like I can't find my body anymore...

Anyway, before I woke up to the alarm clock, I do recall that I was in a dream with Lassie. I can't remember what we were supposed to do there. All I know was that she and I were an item, or something close to that. I was pretty sure that we were more than close friends, and I do recall that she was willing to kiss me this time (unlike the last time). I do know that we were in some kind of mall that mixed together all the malls that I know. We were strolling around and talking about all sorts of things, and kissing. When I woke up, I could only remember that I dreamed of her, that it was a good dream, and that I wished the dream wouldn't stop. And then I remembered that I haven't called her up as I promised, so I did. Only to find out that she was already awake.

Anyway, I should have written that down days ago. However, I was spending too much time with her, and couldn't pry myself long enough to even go to a computer to write things down. Besides, I still had laboratory deadlines to attend to at that time, I would rather finish those than write things down here.

I do know that I wouldn't want things to turn sour this time around. This should be the third (fourth?) time that I've been close to her. I'm probably being stupid again, I'm probably not learning, but I do know that there's no denying the fact that I feel good whenever I'm with her. I hope I just don't screw up this time. Hopefully, I'll successfully turn my feelings for her, into genuinie friendship.

Hopefully, if I do treat her as a friend, she stays that way forever. Unlike two people I know.

I have this feeling that Dulce is now living with the fact that she'd hate me for as long as she remembers me. And it looks like Pai won't do anything to patch things up in the near future.

Enough of depressing things. My optimistic nature can't handle that too long. It gets boring eventually.

It looks like Jamie has her own blog. I've seen her editing stuff there yesterday, and when she realized that I was standing behind her, she instinctively switched windows and had a surprised look on her face. I still don't know the URL of that blog of course, but I do know the title -- "its not a porn site, unfortunately". I'll probably find a way to know what it is soon... Computers always keep records of that. I do know that the blog is private as it hasn't shown up on search engines this morning. I have this feeling that its her old blog, and she's just revived it. Why she doesn't want me to know about it, well, I guess that says how much she trusts (or distrusts) me.

Martin has a drinking fest scheduled for tomorrow evening, at around 9 PM in Makati (or is it tonight? I can't remember!). I would've wanted to go, unfortunately, I think the Elitists would be there, and I don't think I want to see them soon. I mean, I think they don't mind that I don't mingle with them anymore, I just dislike their presence. It irritates me, especially when Lana starts talking as though he's running things around the place. I know I do that sometimes, but I do know that I'm not doing it to THAT degree. Hopefully...

I'll have to schedule a guidance interview soon. I'll have to get my job availability measured soon, so that I'll know what job I'll be expecting...

You are Beauty.

You are beautiful, whether it be on the inside, the
outside, or both. People are drawn to you as
strongly as you are drawn to the beauty in the
world around you.


What Emotion Are You?
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"Sweet Dreams" (by Eurythmics)
Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
Travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something
Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused


Which 80's Song Fits You?
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RED: You have the red eyes of a monster. If anyone
sees your eyes, it might as well be a death
sentence, unless they can run REALLY fast, and
you're in a good mood. Either that or full. If
someone ventures into your cave, you'll likely
find them before they leave... no, they won't
leave... since you'll be on patrol. If it isn't
because you're evil and love to munch on
whatever poor thing wandered in, then it's
because you're extremely territorial. Either
way, they're dead.


The creature eyes quiz
brought to you by Quizilla


I do? Really?



Dying bravely for king and country is what every
solder both dreams of and fears, isn't it? Long
nights spent on guard, hard marches, and the
brutality of war surrounded you, but you held
fast to your honor and loyalty. You were
determined to march off into the face of the
enemy, screaming your country's battle cry and
dying with your leader's name on your lips...
you got your wish, and you took a lot of the
Other Guys down with you. A real hero. Guess
what, hero? Although no one can say that
loyalty and honor are bad qualities, sometimes
you need to take a look at what it is you're
fighting for. Devoted to the Cause? Determined
to see it through? Ask yourself why. If it's
something WORTH fighting for, you should be
able to find that 'why', and if it's not...
then put down your gun, soldier. Stay home.
Marry. Have kids. Whatever makes you happy.
Take a turn, this lifetime, at being what the
heros are fighting for... at least until you
know WHY you're fighting.


What were you in a Past Life?
brought to you by Quizilla


Can't they have used a more heroic picture?



You grew up without your parents, disease took them
when you were young. Your wife too was lost to
illness, and although you'd already begun
studying what there was of medicine, it was
only after she had left you that your life had
real purpose. You were going to cure the world.
You worked long hours, you did your best to
heal the sick and help the hurting. You
believed in what you were doing. And one night
you had a little bit too much to drink... and
another life left the world, one you could have
saved, one you should have saved. Karma is
giving you a second chance. This lifetime, you
will have the chance to make a difference, to
help or heal, cure or care. Take that chance,
use it well, or you'll be stuck repeating this
over and over. You're already somewhat health-
conscious and that can be used to your
advantage. You're already at times protective,
and that's a good trait. The only thing you
really need to beware of is being used - not
everyone is looking for help, some just want an
easy ride, and that is NOT what you are here to
give.


What were you in a Past Life?
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Likewise, can't they have used a more "professional" or cooler picture? This guy's a kid!!!



You are a dark goddess!


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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You are too innocent and sweet for your own good.


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla



How... conflicting

Ok... Why Jamie would like to know if Ma'am Anne drinks addles my mind a little too much. Does she really intend to invite Ma'am Anne to one of their frequent drinking sessions with the "elitist" group in their studio dorm?

The feeling of being invited into their "special group" must be pretty intoxicating. I think I can feel it from here... It makes me want to throw up.

But that's probably just my bitterness speaking. I don't know why they seem to be distancing themselves from me (aside from the obvious association with Lassie recently). Of course, I can probably guess that they're staying away from me becaue they feel like I'm distancing myself from them... If they only knew how I felt all those times when they were having fun by themselves because its only a "girl's" out occasion (with Lana in tow).

Alternatively, they may actually believe that I'm really Pai's prankie, and are acting accordingly... After all, would you knowingly associate with a person who is suspected of bothering another person's life?

Which goes to show just how "well" these people I used to spend time with actually know me. I can't blame them though, Prankie's trying really hard to make it appear like I'm him, or something like that (but still, can't my "friends" tell if I'd ever have the reason to do that?). And with the current problems I'm experiencing... It doesn't look like its that difficult to pull off.

Unfortunately, any help that they think they're giving in trying to verbally lash out at the new pranker isn't worth anything. How many times do I have to tell them that the mailing list is open -- meaning, anyone who knows the address could just send any mail that they want and expect it to appear in the exact same way that they sent it. It's not even moderated, damn it!

Besides, I doubt that this new guy would check his bogus email addy anytime soon. Why should he? That's not his main email addy -- he won't be receiving anything important there. There's no point in checking it at all. He's already told people what he wanted them to here... He'd probably be content there until the next opportunity comes again.

Its interesting to note just how many people would come to Adnan's defense though (although in my opinion, can't the guy stand up for himself? Why would other people need to butt into someone else's life?)... Just goes to show that I'm not the only one who believes in his innocence (despite the relative lack of proof), otherwise, people would already have agreed to any other mail received.

Too bad I don't look innocent enough... Thanks to circumstances.

I just can't understand why the other people who say they're concerned about things insist on replying to a person who will so obviously do nothing... Are they that desperate to catch a thief (or perhaps they can't bear with the fact that they're really hopeless in this situation and bark more than they bite)? They can always find other avenues to follow up on a trail.

The hints that the new email left make it look really easy to figure who he is though... I wonder if that's deliberate to throw people off his trail, or a miscalculation on his part? Unfortunately for him, if he insists on being close to Pai, he'd be caught faster than people can say, "Eureka!" Then again, if he's trying to make it look like I'm him...

I wish he'd stalk me... At least I'd be able to figure out who he is if he's not careful...

I wonder why Pai's so-called "helper" or "sympathizer" tries so hard to act like her friend... Everything that she does just screams hypocrite though. I wonder what he'd really would like to do.

The new email sounds like there are a number of them now... As if she's found other people that agree with what she thinks. From the way she writes, I still can't point out who exactly he is (but he is making enough of an effort to show that he knows a lot about Pai & Adnan and is a very close friend). The new email isn't an overall informative mail unlike the first one. The new one is an out & out insult to Adnan. Unfortunately, I doubt that it would work because most of the people in class either are mature enough to disregard whatever was in the mail (unlike me) or simply believe too much in Adnan.

Anyway, things'll turn out to be okay again eventually... perhaps in a few weeks. Chances are, most people would laugh at the new attempt of whoever while some would react violently and try to argue with the idiot. I've got half a mind to join in on the fun, but I'll try to see what happens first.

In the meantime... Damn, I think these French exchange students stink! There's some stench in the air that suddenly appeared in the air as soon as they sat near one of the computer terminals under the fan. I know that's pretty discriminating, but I don't have any other explanation for the sudden smell permeating in the air. Good thing the nose adapts quickly to pesky odors... But it doesn't mean that I'll gladly stay here while they reek...

Can't even think straight with the smell in the air. Gotta stop this and step outside for some fresh air first...