Sometimes, nothing beats loud music blaring in your ears to block out all other thoughts in the world.

I can spend one work day in a week just listening to ultra loud music in my ears, regardless of whether i understand the song or not. Its pretty cool, and it serves as a nice distraction.

I just need to balance that out on other days with other kinds of music -- slow music, or weird music, just.. something else.

Its a new year, with no good news. Most of the time, no news is good news. In my case...

No news means, no improvement from whatever happened before. I'm now going through my Lassie phase, means everything I do is correct, and everything she does is wrong. But I'm doubting and second-guessing myself. She can be wrong, I can be wrong, and at the end of the day, maybe all we need to do is talk it over, or something.

Honestly, this is just a bad development. Because I can't let go. I'm actually even offended that she tells other people I'm a friend, or "fan" instead of an ex-. Very shallow, very stupid, but hey...

So, since my mind's a mess, and I don't know what I want to do, I might as well take this opportunity to place a few New Year's Resolutions:

1) stop being stupid
2) stop holding out hope
3) people can see the effort, maybe its just time to stop and let go
4) she's not the center of the world, sometimes, you need to revolve around other things too
5) when she asks for the time -- there's no reason to reply or give the time.

That's it for now. I'm enjoying watching House again, which means that sooner or later, I'll become a cranky sociopath again.

So over a month after losing my Angel, I've tried to get as many suggestions about what I should do next.

Obviously, there are people who want things to go back to the way they were before. Some of them want us to get back together, especially in light of the fact that we went through six years already. There are also those who suggest the best and most sensible course of action, which is to "move on and let her be". I cannot force her to love me back. It has to come naturally on her own.

I've been called pathetic because I sound like I'm whining and pining too much. Because I can't do the proper thing and move on and leave her be. They are not insensitive, but rather, they are growing tired of the fact that there's nothing else in my mind except for my Angel. And its really pathetic that a grown man like myself is unable to find another woman.

In defense of myself, its really hard, perhaps impossible to find another one like her. Someone that I can confide with, someone that I can laugh with, someone that I can be myself with, someone whose work I greatly respect, someone who can promise me forever... and actually make it come true...

I've been told to try to forget her. At the very least, she no longer thinks of me... So why should I spend all the time in the world being concerned for her, thinking of her welfare, when I am now nothing to her? Why should I take so much effort to ensure that she's comfortable and happy, when she couldn't care less about the same thing for me? Why should I care if her friends are being too hard on her, or if her friends are there for her, when she can't even give me the same thing?

Why should I care if she wants to stay friends with me, when it doesn't really seem to matter for her anymore? When she shies away from contact, when she cuts off conversation midway, when she doesn't respond to anything?

I can only say that its because I love her.

And she doesn't love me.

And because I love her and she doesn't love me, then I should just do the right thing. I should let her go. Let her be free. Let her do what she wants to do. Let her fly out and soar and go where she wants to be.

Let her realize her dreams on her own. Let her live her life the way SHE wants to do it.

And I, I should just pray for her. I should pray for myself. I should pray that I be able to get past through this hardship, and to bless her all her days, the way I prayed for her before. I should pray for the best for her, and the best for myself. I should learn to love myself again, in order to find myself. I should learn to rebuild my own dignity. There is no point in showing myself to be this pathetic in front of her. In the end, if I keep doing this to myself, its just going to be like Lassie and Janneth all over again. I'm just going to end up being a joke, like a fool.

There is no more point in forcing myself into her life. She threw me out on her own, for some reason. There is no point in forcing yourself onto someone that doesn't like you.

I've been thinking, what went wrong in our relationship, and I still can't say to this day. She says that she finally realized that she didn't love me anymore. That she's just been forcing herself to love me all this time.

I don't think that's true. I've been with my Angel for so long that I know she's not faking her emotions for the past 6 years. At the very least, I know that the first 5 years were true feelings, that she loved me. The past few months before we broke up, she still loved me. And if there's any culprit, its going to be her work stress.

Stress so bad that and so hard, that its all she ever thinks about. Stress so bad she thinks that the only people who can understand her are her friends. Stress so bad and compounded by my insecurity and persistence that she gets so annoyed at me, and finally releases over six years of frustrations, and thinks that she doesn't love me.

And now that she's rid of me, she feels... happy. Like she's been freed of a huge burden. Like I was a huge burden in her life that's been preventing her from... being happy I guess.

I don't know.

I think that the first step to winning her back is to let her realize that I'm willing to change if I'm the problem. That the problem is not with us, but is actually caused by her work stress. That I can adjust to let her feel less suffocated. That I can do everything, but only if she gives me the chance.

But if she doesn't give me the chance, then I can do nothing until she allows that.

I can only pray to God that He takes care of everything when my Angel and I meet. Its such a shame that our relationship crumbled like this. When we could have made it last as long as our lifetime.

The only thing I can do now is dream. Dream about what could have been with my Angel and I. Dream about what used to be. And cry, when I realize that its no longer true now. Perhaps I should patiently wait, until she comes back. But that's hoping too much.

I thought of talking to some of her friends. To her current best friend to see how she's doing. To see if she's been fine, or if she's been talking about me, thinking about me, missing me, regretting anything about me. But I've been convinced to stop this foolish idea -- that friend is not MY friend. She is her friend, meaning she will protect my Angel according to what she thinks is the best for my Angel. If she doesn't think that getting back together is the best, then too bad for me, I'll just have wasted my time.

Its been over a month now, and there's been no improvement on her side. She's still happy being single. She doesn't miss me in the slightest.

So...

So that's all. I can only Love and Pray. Love her, love myself, and Pray for the best. And Dream. Dream for what was, dream what is, and dream what could have been.

I've been spending more and more time in the office these days because I don't want to go home. Earlier this year, I was just spending more time in the office because I would fall asleep here, and just make sure that I went home early enough. That's no longer the case. I don't want to go home because I don't want to have too much idle time. The more idle time I have, the more I think of my Angel, and really, that's something I don't want to happen.

I read through the earlier entries in this book, and I was pretty much laughing at myself. I'm looking back and seeing just how petty my concerns were when I was still in college. Of course as years went on, my problems became more and more serious, that's expected. But still, that I was thinking of such trivial things when I was still in college just shows how young I was back then.

I also realized just how... shallow... losing my Angel was. Don't get me wrong, I'm not disregarding a 6-year relationship as something shallow. I'm just saying that I went through similar things before, when I was still in college. It sort of puts things into perspective. I still want to patch things up, but then, I think its best to let God help me out along the way.

I'm thinking, that the tantrum I'm throwing when she refuses to answer simple questions, are the same kinds of tantrums that I had when my old college friends didn't keep me in the loop. Sure it hurts, sure its annoying, but in the end, I can just get mad at things I have no control over. No amount of cajoling, or getting mad will resolve that kind of problem. Best to just take it like a man.

So now, I just spend most of my free time in the office, doing some after-shift work to keep myself busy. Or on the weekends, just sleep some more.

I really really want to say that I love my Angel. Because its true. But its only one-sided now. You can't repair a relationship alone. If she doesn't want to do anything, then you're stuck on your end doing nothing.

I'm now turning into Jamie when she lost Elbert. I need to move on.

I changed the layout for my book. That way, the layout will be less erratic. Unfortunately, it also means that I lost the old red and orange flame theme that I had here.

At least everything looks more organized. I don't intend to use the "followers" tab though, so I have to think of another way to remove that.

I lost my Angel.

At the end of 6 years, I don't know what happened. I just lost my Angel.

We were talking about so many things, we still greeted each other on our anniversary, we were planning so many things... and then it happened.

She just told me that she doesn't love me anymore. She says she just realized that "she's been fooling herself into thinking that she loved me, but that it wasn't true", so she doesn't love me anymore. Things just happened.

I couldn't accept it. I really couldn't. Because I can't understand -- how can someone that you love for so many years, just suddenly up and tell you that they don't love you anymore? Its so sudden! We didn't fight, we didn't argue. I made sure that whatever she did, I appreciated, or if she made me mad, I forgave her.

And then this happened.

I still find it completely incomprehensible. Even writing about it is impossible -- it all feels like a dream to me, despite the fact that I've been living this for the past month.

I. LOST. MY. ANGEL.

Even writing like that doesn't give me any kind of closure.

In fact, no matter what I do, I can't get my mind to wrap around that concept.

Its gotten so much that I've lost my appetite. I've lost my smile. I've lost all semblance of a happy life. Sure, I can laugh at things, at funny things, but always, at the back of my mind -- I'm thinking, I can't share this with my Angel anymore.

I've gotten some advice on this of course. Ironically, its the same advice I've given other people -- "Forget her", "Keep on living", "Stay Strong".

And of course, its just as difficult for me, as it was for all my other friends. Its nearly impossible for me to "forget her", and I'm doing all I can to "Stay strong". Six years of my adult life was wrapped around her. Six years of my adult life was spent making sure that everything for her was perfect.

Six years of my life I made to revolve around her.

Its not that easy to forget someone who was the center of your life for that long. My dad died last year, and there is not a single day that I do not mourn for him. That's 27 years of my life, 37 and 36 for my brothers, and probably around 39 for my mother. Time has made the loss a little bit more bearable, but it hurts nonetheless.

Thankfully, the people around me are aware of how difficult it is to lose a loved one. A lot of them have handled break ups enough times to provide advice, so none of them take what I'm going through lightly. They remind me "Its not easy. So you have to keep on going. Time will provide the final chapter, and its best not to have too much hope. Just keep praying. Just keep going. Just try to forget her."

And that's all I can do right now. Pray, and keep on going. Because I really don't know what else to do...

This is the biggest loss I've ever suffered. And for the first time, I don't know how to get back up from here.

I'm such a mess that even this entry is entirely messed up. It makes absolutely no sense, because I can't make heads or tails about my current situation. And I sound like I'm just repeating myself.

I should... think of something else first...

I thought of moving to another job. A higher-paying job than my current one. Something.. riskier on my part, since I'm not sure if I'm cut out for that job. And its apparently quite high-paying.

I'm not going out of the country. Yet. I'm thinking of moving to real estate. Selling houses or condos for people who can afford them. Pretty high-risk, and pretty high-reward I think. I'm just worried that I'll be late in paying for my loans and such.

I'll get more money, and hopefully, I'll be able to win back my Angel...

Or something like that. Assuming she wants to be won back by me.

Sigh...

I'm surprised that I'm not used to writing something without a title.

Unusual, since for the greater part of writing my writing, I haven't used any titles. I didn't need any titles years ago, all I needed was the date and time to remind me what I was thinking about. I must have thought that titles would just mess up my thought process, or otherwise ruin the "order" that I placed in my book.

Perhaps a year of serving as documentation specialist has placed a much more rigid order structure into my head. I actually felt that not having the title was very unusual for me. Unfortunately, serving as documentation specialist actually made my writing skills deteriorate.

At least, that's what I think. Since I can barely make any kind of creative writing going on in this thing. Its like I forgot how to write creatively, or that my creativity has leaked out from my body.

It's amazing. I didn't realize just how much I "missed" writing all these years. And every single time I look at an old entry, I'm surprised at it. Its like someone else came in and wrote all this stuff for me. That's what I feel every time I revisit an old document. Its like for some reason, I can't identify with the previous person who hunkered down in front of the keyboard to work.

I guess the stupid Britney songs blaring in the background aren't exactly helping me at all.. I'm distracted by the "remix" beat since it is making the song unidentifiable for me. Not to mention I feel like I'm in a techno club or something, and I may need a drink. Really, not conducive to writing.

On the other hand, if I place Gunther in the background, I'm worried what kind of stories I'll write in here. I find that for some reason, Gunther music in the background makes me more productive.

But really, the main reason I started writing is that I'm starting to feel a little sad again.

I.. am sad. In case that didn't sink in earlier. I'm sad. Maybe saying it out loud 4 or 5 times will help it sink in. I'm sad. I'm sad. I'm sad. I'm sad. I'm sad.

I'm sad because I'm being left behind again.

I'm sad because I need to pay off a lot of crap and I don't have enough money.

I'm sad because almost all my old classmates are doing well for themselves.

I'm sad because I can't do much for my family.

I'm sad because I can't get laid.

So yeah. I'm sad. I'm a sad little person with pathetic concerns. I should rise above these petty desires and aim for a worthwhile existence.

In other words, I should forget about money and focus on what's important.

Like, oh I don't know -- Food. Electricity. Communication. Water. Health. Family. Clothes, maybe. Love, probably.

Yeah, I should focus on what's essential, on what are the important things in the world. I need to figure out where we can get Electricity and Water. I need to make sure that my aging mother is healthy. I need to make sure that my family is healthy. I need to bring food to the table. I may need to look more presentable. I'll probably need to start saving up for my wife and eventual marriage and other expenses. Housing, etc.

Yeah. I should focus on those things and forget about money.

Who am I kidding?

I'm fricking sad because I have no frickin' money and have so many things to pay for. I'm frickin' sad because my friend is leaving for the other department, and I'm stuck here doing crap work again.

I'm freakin' sad because I'm the only one left in this position that has not been promoted. "Almost" doesn't count since... I'm still here, and everyone else is gone.

Honestly, documentations specialist is something special for the account. It helps keep things very organized. I get a lot of things as I work in this capacity. I should feel happy that I'm in this position!

Except its difficult to feel happy when I see that everyone else who has been in this position has been moved to other departments to perform much better. They've been promoted in other words. Including my junior member.

I've been offered a promotion over a month ago -- to a post where I will be earning significantly less. I turned it down, because I had things to pay.

A month later, I find out that my partner was accepted into the other department. I'm happy for her. It means she's progressing. I'm sad because I'm losing an effective co-worker, and will have to work from scratch training another individual all the while cursing myself why I never learned how to program properly.

So as you can see, I have a pathetic problem.

My wife will never blame me the way I blame myself. In fact, I should learn how to accept that I will probably not be credited for any kind of programming work. I should also probably take out all ideas of being promoted for programming work and focus on administrative tasks.

Should. I'm not sure if I can though. Nor if I SHOULD forget it all.

I don't want to dwell on this too much, because I will remember how my uncles and aunts want me to move to another kind of job. I don't want to remember how I get lectured every reunion that I should move to a better paying job, or move out of the country, or do this and that. I don't want to remember all those because they're all RIGHT.

And I don't want to remember how I was an idiot in school and probably didn't learn a thing about programming.

So you can see what I'm sad about. I'm sad because I can't earn enough money because I was stupid enough to be stupid in college.

I should probably take some offline lessons for programming instead of wasting my time writing crap like this down... But sometimes...


Writing like this calms me down somewhat. And helps me move on.

So Gx! Congratulations! May you have more success in your next work!

So what else should be included in this new leaf? Aside from the fact that I know I'm not going to be updating this book any more frequent than I have over the past few years... All that's been occupying my brain right now is the power of faith.

Faith... Its so strange that since I played a cleric character in DnD, I've never played any other class. Well, let's see... The classes I've played are the monk, the paladin, and the cleric. I've played samurai, but only because I've been averse from playing shugenja, who I thought were nothing more than spell-slinging characters -- something that I've never been comfortable playing because it wasn't my style. These days, I want to try out a shugenja. And for that matter, almost every character class that has some sort of connection to the divine. I can't explain why, but maybe its because I want to explore the meaning of faith.

They say faith can feed a man. In a sense, its true. But the person does not gain physical sustenance from faith, rather, he gains a more spiritual type of satisfaction from it. He can still feel his stomach calling out to him, asking him to fill up that empty sack of acid to get some nourishment to keep the body functioning, but with a little faith, that person can ignore that call, and know that he can still accomplish something important.

As I said, I know, because I'm slowly getting reacquainted with my faith.

If this were a game, there should be a new set of attributes at the top of my character sheet called spirit, and there you'd find faith, willpower, and something... I don't think I understand that third one yet...

And what does faith do? It keeps you calm enough to continue functioning, long enough that you would not lash out at the world for things that are happening to you but are "not your fault".

Yes, there are irrational things that happen in the world. There are injustices, there are all sorts of things that you would rather not imagine, much less experience first hand. But if you have faith, you know that these things happen for a reason. The reason may be beyond your understanding, but you know that things will also turn out for the better... You know that you can leave your worries behind you and push on, confident that things may not work out the way you want them to, but still, they'd work out ok in the end.

Does this mean that we should all just give up and wait for things to happen? Not at all. We should still do our best, make sure that we give it our all, but when we find that we have nothing more to give, and that there's nothing more we can affect, then we should learn to have faith, that even though human strength has a limit, supernatural strength pushes on...

At least, that's what I've learned in the past few years.

Pain comes, and is replaced by joy. Then pain comes again...

But it never ends with pain. Joy always comes in... Its just a matter of carrying on, of pushing onwards until that time comes...

That was so abstract...

A lot can happen in the course of 3 weeks... Apparently, I had last wrote something 3 weeks ago, and back then, I was still "happy" to say the least...

3 weeks later... Now...

Its so strange, a lot has happened... I've seen the problems in my life, my family, the past has caught up to us... And I can see my plans for the future suddenly turning hazy and unclear. As if there were no certainty that I'll be able to do what I intend to do.

I've managed to get through most of the pains by now... I've learned the meaning of faith after years of agnosticism. I guess its great that despite the fact that I've been agnostic for as long as I can remember, I've never forgotten how to call on God. I guess it was never really important to me that I didn't know who I was calling to. It was never important to me that there were schisms between worldwide religions. In a sense, everyone knows who God is. The face and the words that they attribute to Him are the only ones that change.

And because I've called on God, I've managed to find my faith again. I can now see the importance of faith in people's lives. Perhaps not yet completely, but I can appreciate it now. And I can now ask people to have faith as well.

I'm gushing right now about faith and God. Perhaps its only rightfully so, because I called on God's help to get us through several problems... Financial problems mostly. I'm glad that the weight has been taken off my shoulders... Unfortunately, they've been passed to someone else who might not be able to take the burden...

Then there's the fact that I'm now officially a bum again... Because Canon didn't like my work with them. In a sense, I think that all of my officemates are right, it might have been a blessing in disguise that I got booted out of the company. I've mentioned before to Santino that if God wants me out of the company, he can make his signs more... obvious.

Well, I don't think it gets any more obvious than getting fired. Hehe.

So now, I have the time to make some small updates again. I don't think I'll be doing a lot of those endless monologues that filled this book up before... I've realized just how shallow those previous problems were... And how detrimental their effects have on me.

I guess, I'll be filling up this book this time with more, optimistic writings. I don't know how exactly, but I think the clouds have parted from my mind... And despite the fact that I still have problems, I can now look at life in a new light.

Its been so long since I opened up this way. I miss writing. I feel like something important's coming back to me because of this. And in the same way, I feel like something new's come over me. As if the bitter person that dominated most of this book has turned over a new leaf...

Just like this new page in the book.

I've been thinking of changing the name of the book. But I think I'll keep the name... It should stay there to remind myself how I used to be so bitter, but now, something's changed...

I tried clicking on the "Recover Post" button, and what do I get? Obviously, nothing. Hehe. It was pretty amusing though, that blogger actually informs the user of what it is about to perform. Something that I might appreciate.

Anyway, I noticed that its been so damn long that I've actually updated any of my two books... Not really too much of a problem, because if I think about it, there's actually been nothing in my life to talk about. Heck, since I finished college, pretty much nothing's left to talk about (except of course for my wife...)

Hey, think about it, back when I still wrote regularly, it was mostly to rant and rave about the same things, over and over and over again... I'll admit to myself, sometimes, they make for great pity material, but not enough for any decent reading material...

I'll be back soon...

Nothing really... Just nothing.

That's what I'm feeling mostly right now. I'm not feeling particularly cheerful or anything (perhaps that will change later today), just a great feeling of nothingness. As if I amount to nothing more than nothing.

That sounds really disappointing, I know. Its just that, after getting friggin' rejected from P&G, the only company I was really serious in applying for, I feel like I just got shot down hard. As if I really am good for nothing. And all the time I spent in college goofing off has finally paid off: I really am good for nothing.

Don't get me wrong. I don't intend to wallow in self-pity for long. But I just want to let go of this feeling of uselessness before I go on with my day. I know that it would seriously wreck my day if I keep this bottled up inside for too long, and would further strain strenuous relations with my parents, not to mention sour conversations with my angel. I'd rather she see this later rather than today, so that I'd forget the entire thing, and not wallow in self-doubt anymore. Besides, that's the reason this book is made private: so that no one can see when the Fool falls into the mud, face-first.

What I'd really like to know right now is why I was rejected from P&G. I'm not really sure why, but I think it's because my resume is not impressive (read: lack of any good activities, nor leadership abilities) nor did they like my answers to their supplementary answer sheet, but I really think that it was more of the former rather than the latter.

I've always thought that my resume was decent. Now I know that I'll have to edit the damned thing again, because it looks like a generic loser's resume. Very, very disappointing. Really, there's nothing in the damned thing that says "I'm a successful person, HIRE ME!", all it says is "er, hi." and that's not a very powerful image in the corporate world.

I guess it just shows me how difficult I have to work to pay off all my bloody debts of gratitude. How further off I would be able to return all the favors I asked just to finish my college life. It means that my days of freedom from everyone else will be farther away than I initially thought...

My wish was to get into P&G, get promoted and get a really, really high salary, so I can pay off the monetary debt that my aunts and uncles paid so that I can finish (squander) college, then start saving up enough for my future, and enjoy the rest of my life... Well, I guess I'll have to start back at square 1.

You know, sometimes, I wonder to myself if its really healthy to write these things in network cafes, when there are a lot of people at your back just looking at what other people are playing, and then they notice this one particular geek in the middle of the row, just typing away at a white screen without a care in the world. I mean, if you're typing it in such a public place, then that means its probably supposed to be read, right?

Anyway, going back... I feel so bad that I've been a huge parasite for most of my college life... Relying too much on friends, relatives, and other random people just so I can go through everything... Its just so sad...

Sigh...

I really, really wish I can think of a way to pay off everything that my family owes... I guess, that's one of the most defining things in my life right now...

Sigh...

At least I'm feeling a little better about myself after letting all of that out. All I have to think of now is how to top my licensure exams... I have this huge chip on my shoulder that's telling me to beat that guy who topped it last April. What I haven't told anyone yet is that I know that guy: he's the person that started all that high school nonsense that fractured our class. He's the guy who made Abi cry and formed the Mars vs. BTB argument way back in high school.

But I don't begrudge him that. In fact, I don't care about the schism between those people and us. I've always hated their guts, a bunch of freaking drones with barely an original idea, and a love-our-own attitude. It just made me sick back then, how they could be freakin' called smart when all they did was press our teacher's buttons in the correct pattern. With nothing creative coming from their small skulls, even from their own "leader" who seemed to be "the most creative girl in all existence" at that time... Please, there was nothing creative in her, and I could smell the envy she had for other people a mile away...

I digress.

The reason I hate Elvin Ivan Uy that much is because he became some form of ECE god in La Salle, while I became... nothing. His state just screams "rival" into my face. Someone who finished engineering, someone who studied in the rival school, someone who I hated back in high school... And when I see his face in every single poster in my review school toting their product...

I just want to throw up...

Unfortunately for me... I'm nowhere near his level yet. I have yet to succesfully pass an exam in my review school. I have yet to memorize anything in his level...

I'm just so far away from my dreams that I want to curl up and wish everything away... If I didn't have any responsibilities at all.

But I do. I have to clean up my family's mess before I can enjoy myself. And that's why even though I know I'm fighting a losing battle, I can't give up.

Sigh... I've lived too much in a sheltered, idealized world where I'm right, and everyone else is wrong.

Sometimes, I think of things that are better off being written here, than in my journal. The main reason is because I don't want many people to know about what I think. There's also the fact that sometimes, I just write down personal stuff.

Like today for instance. I was really glad to have finished review class early (around 1130 to be sure). That way, I could go over to my Angel's school and have lunch and enjoy some quality time with her.

However, after lunch, I was anxious to leave Jollibee because I was worried that a lot of people would see us (we were sitting just beside the window) and ask us a lot of questions. I suggested that we leave the place and go back to school, at least she wouldn't be late, nor would there be many questions by adults asking about us.

Imagine my surprise when, as we were getting all cuddly just outside her building when this stupid security guard from who knows what place started to butt into our business. See, I know that we're cuddly, but damn, I do know what "enough" means. I know that there are some things that are simply unacceptable, and I know that hugging her very affectionately isn't part of "unacceptable". In fact, where we both came from, no stupid security guard would break up a couple that hugged like we did. Not to mention that there are a lot more couples who do even more public displays of affection than we did.

So what's really my point?

Fuck that stupid fucking security guard. He's fucking way over the line...

That's really the only reason I'm writing here right now. I thought that writing too much private stuff in this thing would only drive me deeper in depression, so I try to write more stuff in the journal to counteract that. I'm succeeding as far as I know (thanks in no small part again to my Angel), and I'm already going back to being the happy-go-lucky guy that I used to be.

But I'm still pissed-off by that guard. Damn him...


You are the 'regular' teen. Don't worry, alot of
people will get this result. However, you set
pretty high/low goals for yourself...and you
believe you are the only one in the world.
But, there are alot of people with your
attitude. You tend to wear regular clothing,
or you are forced to wear colors you don't want
to. (such as your mother always buying you
pink / blue clothing) Sometimes you feel
horribly lonely and want to hide, but as
always, you find something to give you reason
to continue. You can either hate or love
school, one opinion please. Never fear, you
are not one of a kind...and that is kinda nice
to hear, since there are other teenagers out
there with your exact view on life.

You
could get a job as an author, Teacher, editor,
architect, buisness owner, or administrator.
Good luck in life, and don't forget that no one
is ever alone.


What type of teenager are you?
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Damn, this result is just too... plain.... Damn.

Feeling really, really good these days, but not for a lack of troubles. Last year, I would always write here whenever I really felt bad, or whenI felt incredibly good, or when I felt really, really bored. I always felt bad whenever I had a lot of things to do, or when I people took me for granted, and other shit like that. But these days, it would probably take a lot just to make me depressed -- its a definite improvement from before.

Anyway, I thought like writing anything that comes to mind today. Which means that the first topic in my mind would be DotA -- short for Defense of the Ancients, a custom map for Warcraft III that pits (as of current count) 30 heroes on opposite sides against each other. This doesn't require a lot of strategy for the player, because the player doesn't need to create his base or anything. All a player has to do is to raze the opposing team's base. How he does that is entirely up to him.

I was watching Terence and Aaron go one-on-one a few minutes ago, pitting Bredwarden the Centaur Warchief against Medusa the Gorgon. Normally, I would have to say that Medusa (Terence in this game) should have quit and made a second one, since normally, there was nothing that Medusa could do to damage the centaur. It turns out that Cholo taught Terence some fine strategy against the centaur -- slow him until the centaur's life dwindled to nothing. The effectiveness of the strategy has just started to become clean for me right now. As I saw myself being trapped in that situation. Even if the Centaur had a ton of life, there was little it could do against an enemy it couldn't hit, added to the fact that there were a ton of other units attacking it all at the same time.

Terence lost eventually though. Because Aaron simply pumped the centaur's armor, almost eliminating every shot that came from the gorgon. But the fight was good, Terence actually killing the centaur a few times.

I should have written that in the other journal, seeing as how it had absolutely nothing to do with my life at all. But who cares, I'll write anything I want here. After all, this is supposed to be the private area. Who'll tell me what to write and not to write here, right?

Well anyway, I can see that my writing is suffering from a ton of run-on sentences, off-tangent comments, and this nagging feeling that's asking me to put "hehe" after almost all my sentences. Don't get me wrong though, I just want this thing to look a little bit formal. I almost always add "hehe" on other writings -- letters, notes, etc. But I want this thing to look a little bit more formal. After all, it might bring me a lot of money when someone finds this out and decides to turn it into a movie, or some bestselling novel.

Of course, I could always dream on...

The next thing on my mind has got to be my thesis. I really regret the day that I thought of writing down my name in that ridiculous satellite topic. I mean, I really like the satellite communicatons topic, its pretty interesting really, but I should have known that nothing good would have come out of it, knowing that the adviser handling that topic is Dr. Reyes. I don't know, maybe she really is just too busy to handle a thesis group, or maybe she's just overexpecting, but I really don't like the way that she's handling our group. Because it took us a long time to come up with a decent topic to replace the non-existent satellite program (the damned satellite antenna data-gathering equipment was broken therefore, it was unworkable.) which in itself was pretty damned difficult -- a microphone that stores presentation files to be connected to a simple television unit, its an add-on to an already existing product: the microphone is a machine that when hooked up to a TV would play videoke files, we were just thinking of adding something else to offer it to other people. The company who produced the microphone didn't want anything to do with our thesis though, so there goes that idea. I couldn't think of any other idea though, so our adviser asked us to come up with a machine that could be hooked up to a TV and still play powerpoint presentations; create a small computer that would do nothing else except play presentations -- a stupid idea, I know, but our adviser insisted on it. It was promptly shut down by the other advisers.

So I was all ready to move into another topic, maybe something that had to do with wireless fidelity connections, since I've been spending a lot of time in the other thesis rooms, and this sounded like the easiest and the one that gave the most fun. But our adviser refused to let us transfer, and offered a robotics project to us. While I'm interested in robotics, I suck at the basic fields required under that topic: electronics, mechanics, and programming. I don't know what to do, neither do I know how to proceed.

To top it all off, I got paired up with the one student in school that I know is lazier than I am: Nap. Crap, I'm starting to think all the jests made by my batchmates might actually come true: I might not graduate on time. Damn this. Stupid adviser, stupid thesismate, stupid thesis topic even.

Oh yeah, my thesis? I'm supposed to make an enclosure for this robotic arm and provide games that woud utilize the robotic arm. I'm not going to make the arm because the arm is already available. I just need to do the enclosure, the games, and the power supply that would power the arm. And since the damned thing is too easy, they gave us another project: create a hopscotch robot/game whatever. I'm supposed to make a hopscotch field whose squares would light up, depending on the next square you're supposed to step on. I mean, the next square you're supposed to jump on would light up, and if you dont' step on it in time, then you lose the game. The other advisers all looked at me funny, and asked "What makes it thesis-material?"

I am really starting to panic right now.

Sigh. Anyway, I think that would be it for this session. I'm starting to get my touch back, but the writing style has changed again. I've mentioned this before, my writing style always changes without my knowing. I still haven't read what I wrote down before, so I still dont' know what feelng I'll get after reading my recent articles (I'm guessing I'll be disgusted with the quality of my writing), but I'm betting I'll be surprised to find out that I was the one writing all these things.

Writing is starting to feel very strange for me. I feel like I'm no longer used to writing about anything at all. Its like I have this huge block in my brain that's not stopping ideas from coming out, but rather stopping words from flowing, or preventing ideas from merging with each other.

It isn't really a problem, more like an annoyance, because I know that writing is one of my pastimes and stress relievers, and I can't do it anymore. I'm thinking, maybe its because I completely stopped writing for well over a year. All so I can spend some more time with Lassie, or thinking about Lassie, heck, so I can think why I needed Lassie in my life or some ridiculous thing like that.

Bad move on my part, because it just made me feel even closer to her.

But that's all water under the bridge now. I've moved on to better things in life, and I'm glad I finally found someone that's worth spending time on. I mean, really spending time and effort, and emotions, and feelings, and sharing thoughts with, and all those things.

In short, I've found someone worthwhile to love.

Enter Jennifer Angela Almelor. Honestly, she's not one of those people that knocks you off your feet the first time you meet her. Neither will the next time you see her (she's stunning once she takes time to put on make-up and dress up though), but once you find a way to talk to her... Whoa.

You'd think she's shy. You'd think she's a loner type, or even a weak personality because she's always around with Jolyn. But that's what people always see. The real part of her is when she's alone. THAT will blow you away, assuming you can talk to her at that time though. I guess, I still fall for girls that look snobbish. Actually, in a sense, Jenny, or Angel as I prefer to call her, is a snob too. But that won't show because of her extreme shyness, and eagerness to please. She's got good control of her emotions, and more likely to tell you that she's at fault, than risk wounding your emotions. She's not one to notice people easily though, preferring her own company than looking for others.

Not that she's unfriendly. Actually, she's very friendly, but the point is, you have to go through that shell of hers.

But that's not the point here. What I really want to say is, I'm glad I found her. Or rather, I'm glad I got to know her very, very well.

Because I found someone I'd want to spend my life with. Someone worth spending my entire life with... She's my Significant Other. And I wouldn't want anyone else to hold that title.

How long did I try to hide from everything that's been happening to me?

Around 3 weeks? Perhaps a month? It doesn't matter really... I'm still trying to escape from the truth that is around me...

I'm starting to get really affected with how Lassie is acting. That's really bad news, because that means that I'll suddenly start to grow morose when she's not talking to me. That means that I'm starting to fall for her again, and the last thing that I need right now is to fall for her... I don't need to wreck my life again...

Anyway, today is Eng's birthday. It seems like a lot of people have forgotten it, and she doesn't really want anyone else to be reminded of today's occassion... Suits me fine, I'm not really interested in talking to other people.

Other people, that means Jamie and Co. Not that I don't want to see them -- I can tolerate speaking to them individually and not as a group (except for Lana who is still an ass). I just don't want to speak to them, because that would mean that I've forgiven them for being elitists. I still can't get over that, I can't get over the fact that they could easily dismiss me (although in hindsight, I should have realized they could do that, if they could easily dismiss Lassie).

Damn... I sort of forgot what I wanted to say... I have to end this quick before other people come in and bother me. Before I get bothered by Lassie's presence in the room...

Ah...

Releasing all that depression really feels good... At least I no longer need to feel sad about how people aren't noticing me, that will always be the case anyway, ever since I changed for the worse. Hopefully, others would learn to accept how I am right now, or I can change again into something better. Its just a matter of time, anyway, and accepting how people are. Once that happens, I'm on my way to becoming a happy person again.

In the meantime, I have to put up with myself being a bitch.

I guess there really is just something that would further annoy me when Lassie just brushes me off like that. Maybe its a lingering idea that she's the last one I would want to ignore me. I mean, she's the only one left from my old friends, and I wouldn't want her to leave me too.

Or leave me again... That would be applicable too.

I don't want to face any feelings for her yet. I just want to establish the fact that she's a friend. I don't want her to leave before that happens. I don't want anything to happen before we become friends. Somehow, I have this feeling that her considering me a "brother" is a good thing... I don't even know if she's serious about me being her "brother" at all. Besides, I don't think I'd make a good "elder brother"...

There's also the fact that I have bad experiences with caring for siblings... I'm not exactly the emotional type of sibling, not the supportive kind at least.

And how do I expect her to pay any attention to me when she has an impending exam in an hour?

... Frost, you really are too much of a self-sacrificing fool...

Anyway, this kind of self-destructive arguments seem to bring the worst out in me. And where do they stem from? When I'm all alone walking around in malls, without anything to occupy my mind... When I start thinking and reminscing on the good days when everyone was a good happy group of friends, not this muddled mess that I'm in right now...

This self-destructive things just don't suit me at all. Its just too much of a change in what I really am, that anyone who sees it would really wonder if it were really I... I'm too full of hope sometimes, that there just doesn't seem to ever have room for any depression at all. I still have them though -- all the negative thoughts in the world... I just can keep them really, really well. Walling them up, ignoring them, displacing them... Anything just to get rid of them, but sometimes, they just come up like waves... And that's when I really have to let them all out.

And honestly, I really feel bad about it sometimes -- when I do things that I wouldn't normally do on good days... Despite the pleasure that I gain when I let go, I feel bad. Except perhaps on certain occassions, when people really deserve it.

I guess I'm just too much of a dumb person to learn to think for myself...

People say its a good idea to have a book like this to get more in touch with the inner self.

I think that's not true -- I'm afraid of facing my inner self. I'm afraid that when I see it, it would turn out to be much, much worse than what I imagine it is. An evil force 50 times worse than the exact polar opposite of what is my outer self... I'm curious to see it though, to see what sorts of monsters I keep inside my head.

Ah... Now that all that depression is gone, I can think clearly again. I can work again. I can see the bright colors that freshen up the world again, instead of just seeing the bad things and concentrating on myself.

As a side note, recently, when I try to talk to other people, I no longer seem to make the effort to really KNOW them. Its just like they're bodies with names that never seem to matter because they just trudge around like other bodies do. I seem to have lost the ability to instinctively know if people are telling the truth or not, if they're good or not, if they're trustworthy or not. All I see are bodies.

Names with bodies that can talk.

I can't even figure out what people want anymore... How sad.

Delusional Fool!

Whatever made you think that people would actually like you Frost? You are a blight on this world, suffered to live by other beings only because of your idiotic idea to be used! Do you really think you have any purpose to exist? Not even those people you call friends and family find any sort of use for you...

You're not even worth wasting my effort on! Why don't you just lie down on the floor and wait for death? At least the earth can still use your materials to make plants grow!

What makes you think that people give a damn on what you do? Do you think the journal is a funny idea? Well its not! Its just a futile attempt to catch attention because you know that no pays anything to you anymore! You rant on and on about hypocrites and how you hate them, but you're one yourself! Have you ever heard the phrase "clean your own backyard first?"

I guess even if you did, you'll just ignore it... That's what you always do anyway. You don't pay attention to anything that doesn't interest you -- and since you've never liked criticism in the first place, when have you ever considered the benefits of other people in your life?

You think that serving other people is your purpose? That's just a load of hogwash! People USE people! You just happen to be more convenient than others because of your "sense of honor" -- a.k.a. your gullibility! In your search for someone to pay attention to you, you would gladly bend knee to anyone who would ask "help" from you!

Tell me frankly, Frost... Has any good actually come from your brand of "help"? Has anyone actually benefitted from all the "assistance" that you give? Or has everything just been a show to feed your own bloated, putrescent ego? Your own overblown self-esteem? You tried to help Pai... and what was the result? Why a broken relationship that just gave her more pain! Don't try to deny it, you hypocrite... there's no denying the fact that you do nothing but wreck other people's lives!

How CAN you help other people in their relationships in the first place? You can't even mend the hole in your own parents' relationship! You can't even do a thing about your mother's affair with your uncle! You can't do a thing about your father's infidelity! You can't do a thing about your elder brother's child problem! You can't even do a thing to change yourself! What makes you think that you could "spend the effort to help others"? What would you help them on? How to change for the worse?

What arrogance you have!

And now you listen to all the people that you knew in college... and wait for them to ask you for anything, anything at all. But you've already isolated yourself from everyone around you. You can't relate to anything that they talk about because you turn away from them. In your misguided attempt to look for attention, you've only succeeded in alienating yourself from them! And you blame everyone else for your problems? You've brought your own problems down on yourself!

Despite the fact that you've always been a "proponent of conversation" you're the first to break down in such a situation! Breaking down and shutting yourself out whenever you no longer feel any interest in the conversation. And you blame others for your recent communication problems? I don't know if you're an idiot or worse...

So after isolating yourself from your old peer group, you try to get close to other people... You try to approach Lassie. Are you looking for a kindred soul? Someone who understands the pain that you felt when your "friends" betrayed you? What for? So that you can revel in your misery?

And what happened next then? Instead of putting things into perspective, you instead wallow in the feeling that there is someone who hates your "friends" as much as you do... You wallow in the fact that you are the maltreated one -- when it is blatantly obvious that YOU maltreated them!

And do you really expect that just spending time with other people would be enough to get them to open up to you? That you'd get their hearts? That they'd be grateful for your miserable presence in their lives? That they'd actually love you? Wherever did you get that stupid idea? You're not living in a movie, fool! You're living in the real world! That sort of thing doesn't exist!

Crying now, Frost? Realizing how worthlessly you've spent your time in this world? Do you think that changing yourself overnight would change how people view you?

Are you really that naive? Whatever you do in your remaining time in college will no longer change how people look at you! Face it, Frost... You've branded yourself as a LOSER the moment you stepped into college. And there's no escaping it anymore...

Perhaps you can try to runaway again, Frost... That's what you always do anyway.

You're Most Like The Season Summer ...

Whoa.... Passionate eh ?? Typically you're a fiery,
zesty dominant person. As the hottest season,
you certainly ooze Sex appeal. You have
confidence which draws people to you, and you
have the makings of a good leader.
However sometimes your exterior is stronger then
you are and so you scare people off before they
can get close.

Well done... You're the most memorable of seasons
:)


?? Which Season Are You ??
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You're Most Like The Season Winter ...

You're often depicted as the cold, distant season.
But you're incredibly intelligent, mature and
Independant. You have an air of power around
you - and that can sometimes scare people off.
You're complex, and get hurt easily - so you
rarely let people in if you can help it. You
can be somewhat of a loner, but just as easily
you could be the leader of many. You Tend to be
negative, and hard to relate to, but you give
off a relaxed image despite being insecure -
and secretly many people long to be like you,
not knowing how deep the Winter season really
is.

Well done... You're the most inspirational of
seasons :)


?? Which Season Are You ??
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this quiz is so rigged... I actually received a summer result? Damn, I must be pretty bubbly today to receive such a... warm result.



You're dark, twisted and gorgeous, Angelina Jolie.


What sexy girl are you
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You'll play anything; renting games to you is like
playing a game of russian roulette, you'll just
pick one out of the blue and rent it. It could
be bad, it could be good. You like to take
risks.


What type of gamer are you?! Warning: Not all types specified, images are low quality, questions are cheesy.
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You are Char's custom Zaku II. Being Char's
personal mobile suit (until he moves onto
bigger and better things) you tear up the field
like nobodies business. You're a born leader,
and everybody in their right mind is afraid of
you.


What Zeon Mobile Suit are you? (pictures)
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Brown/Honey -> You aren't too keen on telling
people everything, but you sure do love your
friends. They love you too, but you do have
your flaws. They're about your attitude. You
are too bossy for your own good. Try to
improve and raise your patience level. Other
than that you're great!


What Color Are Your Anime Eyes?
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yes... increase my patience... as if I need that...

You know what's starting to annoy me with Quizilla?

The endless quizzes they have about vampires. Vampire names, vampire clans, vampire bloodlines, vampire this, vampire that... the first few times it appeared, it was pretty interesting, despite the fact that the results sucked -- an obvious rip-off of Vampire: the Masquerade.

The next few times that it appeared, plus the fact that they kept plugging their silly site, well, that pretty much was enough reason to start avoiding vampire quizzes like the plague. They wouldn't even be able to put in any interesting results in there that I haven't possibly read somewhere. And its obvious that their sources are always the same. I hope the quizilla owner takes care of that silly problem (but I doubt it, seeing how many people are putting in other silly quizzes just to have people to "talk" to or something...).

Anyway, guilty pleasures are actually fun... I had the chance to verbally assault Lana yesterday, when he was pestering me about a question from the quiz. Well to be fair, I was talking to someone else at the time, and was trying to block out his voice in order to converse with (was it Eng?) properly. When he tried to raise his voice to be heard, I raised my voice in turn. Well, it wasn't that serious: I just asked him loudly what he wanted. Although it was in a tone that was definitely annoyed... Hehehe...

That put him in his place. So what if he doesn't talk to me? Like that is a big loss to me... It's not like he talks to me casually anyway, after all, he'll only call my attention when he needs something.

Hah! I still feel real good about it.

Now that's a guilty pleasure -- feeling good about something bad I did. Of course, its not really THAT bad, but... In any case, I still feel real good about it.

Now what's bothering me is the fact that I seem to have some lingering concern for Jamie. I mean, when I heard that she was sick or something, I was trying real hard to restrain myself from asking everyone what was wrong with her. Unfortunately, the people that I asked didn't even want to answer my question so I had no choice but to call her up myself. Something that I really, really don't feel like doing...

Too bad calling her didn't give me the information that I was looking for. I just learned that she was sick with some sort of feminine illness that I couldn't probably figure (duh! sherlock) out. I was shocked when I started feeling concerned for her. I guess I'm not yet as cold-hearted as I'm making myself out to be (I don't think I'll ever be cold-hearted anymore. Just damned unresponsive to certain people). I can't even carry a proper grudge I think. I might have to re-evaluate myself soon...

In the meantime, I've just read Neil Gaiman's latest Sandman work. All I could say is... nice

You are the hellspawn. You are the dark. The one,
the only ----- GRIM REAPER! YAY!!! You love to
kill and reap of souls and kill some more and
scare the $hit out of people. And it's D@mn
fun, too.


What type of freak of nature are you?!
brought to you by Quizilla



You're a MYSTIC! A mystic needs basic information
to interpret the story or plot. You carry
characteristics of both plotters and pantsers,
and therefore you may have been unsure about
your writing personality. You may write a
chapter or two to get the story going, and then
write a very basic synopsis or outline of major
plot events. Nothing is set in stone. You
allow your intuition and inspiration to guide
you. You may stick to a steady schedule, or
you may write in bursts. Most mystics write
with a fair amount of regularity--not every
day, but maybe the same days of the week seem
to work best for you. You may revise the
previous days writing before continuing on with
new prose. Mystics carry the best
characteristics of both plotting and pantsing.
You are committed, but flexible. You are
creative, but organized. You have both a good
voice, and the grammatical skill to pull off a
great novel.


Find Your Writing Personality!!
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