There are days when there's no one around to talk to about your interests... Sure you could fire off an SMS to close friends. You could fire off an SMS to other people with similar interests. You could even fire off an SMS to other friends who don't share your tastes (although at a very high risk of you looking like a complete tool), but really, finding another person who shares the same interests is one of the most difficult things to do.

You can't really discuss everything, even with a significant other. You'll have to explain some basic ideas about certain interests, and look at their reactions to see if they understood, or grasped enough about the concept to get interested; worst case scenario, they'll just smile, nod and change the topic. They might even do this for years on end to humour you and get some peace and quiet on their end, but that's a different discussion.

Simply put, its slightly depressing or lonely to realize that you have unusual tastes in shows or ideas, and you have no one else to discuss it with. You know that your usual friends won't appreciate the topic, and you're afraid that people online sharing the same interests would turn out to be geeks, weirdos, or other antisocial archetypes you'd rather not be lumped together with.

So when you're having fun watching, say, Super Sentai on your work computer, you can't just suddenly laugh out loud -- you don't want to be categorized into a closet weirdo by people you spend 8 hours a day with. You're restrained from having as much fun as you can.

If you watch the same show at home, you'd be safe and alone alright, but that also means you'd be discussing and criticizing the show with your shadow, your reflection, your wall, or whatever convenient imaginary friend will be there to help you out. Nobody will call you a weirdo, but I highly doubt you'd find any form of productive discussion with yourself (part of the reason I stopped writing here is because I'm largely discussing and arguing with myself).

You can watch the same show with family, of course. Chances are you'd find a group that largely shares your same interests, with much greater difference in opinion. And really, this is a great idea, except that I'm not high with staying at home these days with my family.

These days, I'd rather get my own place and live alone for a bit; support myself, realize how difficult it is to work for myself and buy my own stuff, rather than stay at home and relax, knowing a huge part of the next paycheck will be used to pay for bills and other expenses I didn't fully utilize.

So going back. I just finished my part in the surveillance audit for our ISO 20000 recertification, and since 1PM, I've been extremely bored out of my mind thinking of ways to entertain myself. I just finished watching an episode of Tokusou Sentai Dekaranger, but couldn't find anyone to discuss it with. As I mentioned, I could send an SMS to djesie, but I already know that she'll just feign interest to humor me. I could send a quick PM to mac, but he wouldn't care much. I could send an SMS to dennis, knowing he's family, but he couldn't care less either.

So instead, I find myself writing about how grainy the video quality of the show was back in 2004. How TV technology back then wasn't equipped to display high definition shows compared to recent videos like Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger, or Kamen Rider Decade. And I'm reprimanding myself because of course! I'm doing this from hindsight, 7 years after the show was initially broadcast. Even a remastered DVD copy of the same episode wouldn't compare with the more recent HD shows that came out since 2007. Duh!

Unfortunately, the video quality wasn't the only annoyance I had from watching the episode. I'm finding the red ranger, Deka Red, inordinately dumb. Not naive, as he's frequently described to be -- he's just freaking dumb as a doorknob. All bravado and no brains, relying on good instincts and purity of heart as compared to using his brains a bit. I'm comparing him of course to Gokai Red, or even Kamen Rider Decade -- two individuals who have a tiny modicum of brains despite the fact that they also just charge out at the slightest provocation. They spare a bit more brain power to think things through, as compared to just blindly charging at the enemy no matter what.

Perhaps that's the point of the entire series though, to show that some red rangers don't start out as the impeccable leaders that they're later depicted to be. That early in their careers, when they're group wasn't as well-oiled as they later turned out to be, their eventual leaders were also human beings capable of making (stupid) mistakes in order to learn and grow. Too bad that when I was younger, I didn't see this "flaw" from the red rangers of the time: Red One and Red Mask were pretty much shown to be reliable and capable from the get-go. Its annoying to see a brash and hasty child assigned as the leader of a group of professional space cops just because his "unprofessionalism" is justified by the number of times that he turns out to be correct because of his amazing instincts. And the other, more composed, more intelligent members of his group will just have to accept that as a fact. I'm not sure how they can accept his methods when its all basically spitting on the faces of everything that they've done to get promoted to their current positions. What is this, a bunch of Space Cops who originated from the Philippines?

Anyway...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was going through the Abenson Mall in Ortigas earlier today, and I saw a 40" Samsung Smart TV for roughly 60k php. This was interesting because the last time I paid attention to the price of the same unit, it was still around 80-90k. The price drop was significant, not to mention, I bothered to look at the features of the TV to understand why it was "Smart"

Basically, a Smart TV is an LED TV that allows you to browse the internet, connect to a LAN or WLAN, play videos from connected devices, or watch conventional TV. It can't really allow you to code, but will allow you to watch YouTube all you want. Was thinking if you could view porn straight from streaming sites, but then again, if you can't, you can still connect a USB flash drive to the TV and just play from there.

Because its already 40", you can even start watching HD movies or HD TV episodes on your Smart TV, and you can expect the same video quality from a home theater set up. The only drawback is of course, regular TV shows will look like crap. Once you have a working internet connection (plugging a LAN cord directly to the Smart TV should be sufficient), you should be able to go directly online and watch movies or other TV shows directly from Youtube or some other viewing site.

Pushing this concept further, you need only connect a PS3 (or some other entertainment system) or even a PC to the Smart TV, and you can play high-end games on the same 40" TV that you're watching your movies on. Put up a great sound system and that's probably all you will need in your living room -- you don't need no sofas! Just set up some mattresses or some futons on the floor and you're all set!

And really, what makes this all achievable in my mind is the lower cost of the Smart TV these days. It might actually make saving for a TV worth it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There's probably a huge elephant in the room here that I'm not giving attention to. I'd rather not give it any thought, otherwise I'll just ruin my mood. I've had over a year to think/feel things through, so from here on out, I have to focus on myself. I'm going to leave it at that for the meantime, and continue watching my Sentai.

There are days when I don't feel pain.

And there are days when I feel haunted by a feeling of losing something that I could have fought for.

I've been bothered by something I heard over the radio last night -- something about "when you're in love, you should always give your best." Somehow, I find myself thinking -- during the last few days when she told me that she no longer loves me, and when I said that I would do anything, to make her love me again -- why did I not do "anything"?

I was afraid of failure at that time. I was afraid of failing again. I was afraid that if I tried to show myself at PGH, with all my emotional baggage -- I would just turn into a bigger emotional wreck, and never recover.

There are days, when I feel that I have all the courage in the world, that I could do anything, that I could start over and make a wonderful person love me again. But I'm afraid that a single dismissive glance, a single word, would take all my efforts away.

And I've tried that. I've tried to be witty, to be smart, to be fresh, to be something new. All to ensure that I could at least impress someone. And I was just shot down with a simple SMS. Asking me to stop.

Really, I'm just a dreamer, dreaming of impossible things. I could not have saved the relationship, no matter what I did.

And so three days after staring at the blogger main page, I still have not decided whether to open a new book, or just to update my old on. I've just opened a twitter account, and it kind of feels... empty.

Empty in the sense that there's nothing to talk about. There's nothing to follow. Much. I'm at a loss with who I should be following. So I was thinking, maybe including a blog in my links would allow more people to follow me.

Why I would want anonymous people to start following me is beyond me though.. Right now, I have 11 followers, i think around 6 or more are people I don't know at all. Makes me wonder, when I tweet in Tagalog, what do they do?

Anyway, starting a twitter account is my first step in utilizing my planned purchase. I plan to buy a Samsung Galaxy Tab in the next few months. It looks like it will be more fun to put in social networking stuff on the tab, so I got to have a twitter account, a facebook account, and something else. I already know that I'll be spending a lot of time on the tab just reading my tons and tons of pdf's. I might as well get another use for it.

After getting my Samsung Galaxy Tab, I should invest in paying my network connection, and buy a wireless router already. So that I can have a wi-fi connection at home, and connect the PS3 or PSP to the net as well. Interesting plans. But before I even proceed there, I need to buy new shoes. And shirts. I'm running out of decent shirts.

Sigh. So many things to do. I wonder if I'll ever get them all done. I need to go to the gym too. My body is deteriorating already. I need to start looking good again.

Over 3 hours since work started and I don't feel like I'm making any dent in today's workload. That's actually an exaggeration, because I'm ACTUALLY getting work done for once... It just FEELS like I'm not making any progress.

And another hour later, trying to get more work done -- I find that I have more work heaped up over my head.

Maybe I should just stop browsing while at work. That might actually increase my productivity.

I was going to write down something sad, melancholic, and depresing. But really, after spending some time on research, I find that I'd rather write something about cartoons and Disney cartoons in particular.

And because I ran out of time, I ended up not writing anything at all. Great. Amazing.

On certain days, I find myself inexplicably drawn to listen to the following songs:

1) Kesha -- Your Love Is My Drug
2) Lady Gaga -- Alejandro
3) Lady Gaga -- Bad Romance
4) Lady Gaga -- Telephone
5) Green Day -- 21 Guns
6) Britney Spears -- Stronger
7) Britney Spears -- Toxic
8) Taylor Swift -- Love Story
9) Taylor Swift -- You Belong With Me
10) Kesha -- Tik Tok

The first song reminds me too much of my Angel. It was the last song that I heard before we... lost touch. It was her alarm, and also her message alert tone. At that time, she was really really proud of the song, since it was really very descriptive of what she felt.

I never found time to listen to song lyrics. My partial deafness effectively ensures that I almost never understand most English songs until I at least read the lyrics somewhere, or listen to the song multiple times in a day.

So now that I listen to the song, I find that the song rang true. And in my case, it IS true.

I guess at one point, I AM a Karma magnet. Whatever negative things I say out, or do, eventually come back and haunt me later on. I already knew this a long time ago, but getting reminded of it really hurts...

Anyway, the other songs on the list all remind me of my Angel at one point or another. Whether because they were her ring-back tones, or the song really reminds em too much of Jenny. I know this is melodramatic, but then, the only time that I'm this dramatic is when I'm this sad.

So yes, Your Love IS my Drug. You knew of this a long time ago. I've been addicted to it a long time ago, and now, well, I can't find any source for this anymore.

I'm currently in Puerto Princesa, Palawan in order to enjoy a vacation. I certainly thought that I needed this vacation after all that time spent feeling stupid about myself.

So, after several months telling myself that I should stop feeling sorry, and that I should stop being stupid, I realize that its not that easy to do what I'm telling myself to do. In addition, I've already gone through this before, so it should be easier, not harder for me.

But now, I find that I'm constantly irritated. Just always irritated about something at the back of my mind. Irritated about the fact that Jenny is trying to text me to say "Sorry", irritated that Jenny is "trying to be friends", and irritated that Jenny isn't texting me more. Stupid, pathetic, and ultimately irrelevant, I know. Eventually, I'll be able to wash this all out of my system.

What I did get pissed off for, is the fact that I'm staying inside the same room as Luanne and Rye, and I find myself bothered. They had to pick this particular hour to start being sweet. I realize that I'm the one actually bothering them, for being in the same room during their vacation. They can be as sweet as they want -- they're a couple after all. I should respect that.

Instead, I find myself wanting to kiss Luanne, in response to my longing to kiss Jenny, and to avoid thinking that I want to have Djesie in the same room.

So yes, I just picked this time to vent a little bit, in order to avoid having a lot of stress in my system during vacation. That, and I wanted to activate Facebook Mobile on my Globe phone.

And I have several mosquitoes having a field day with my leg. That's annoying.

Sometimes, nothing beats loud music blaring in your ears to block out all other thoughts in the world.

I can spend one work day in a week just listening to ultra loud music in my ears, regardless of whether i understand the song or not. Its pretty cool, and it serves as a nice distraction.

I just need to balance that out on other days with other kinds of music -- slow music, or weird music, just.. something else.

Its a new year, with no good news. Most of the time, no news is good news. In my case...

No news means, no improvement from whatever happened before. I'm now going through my Lassie phase, means everything I do is correct, and everything she does is wrong. But I'm doubting and second-guessing myself. She can be wrong, I can be wrong, and at the end of the day, maybe all we need to do is talk it over, or something.

Honestly, this is just a bad development. Because I can't let go. I'm actually even offended that she tells other people I'm a friend, or "fan" instead of an ex-. Very shallow, very stupid, but hey...

So, since my mind's a mess, and I don't know what I want to do, I might as well take this opportunity to place a few New Year's Resolutions:

1) stop being stupid
2) stop holding out hope
3) people can see the effort, maybe its just time to stop and let go
4) she's not the center of the world, sometimes, you need to revolve around other things too
5) when she asks for the time -- there's no reason to reply or give the time.

That's it for now. I'm enjoying watching House again, which means that sooner or later, I'll become a cranky sociopath again.

So over a month after losing my Angel, I've tried to get as many suggestions about what I should do next.

Obviously, there are people who want things to go back to the way they were before. Some of them want us to get back together, especially in light of the fact that we went through six years already. There are also those who suggest the best and most sensible course of action, which is to "move on and let her be". I cannot force her to love me back. It has to come naturally on her own.

I've been called pathetic because I sound like I'm whining and pining too much. Because I can't do the proper thing and move on and leave her be. They are not insensitive, but rather, they are growing tired of the fact that there's nothing else in my mind except for my Angel. And its really pathetic that a grown man like myself is unable to find another woman.

In defense of myself, its really hard, perhaps impossible to find another one like her. Someone that I can confide with, someone that I can laugh with, someone that I can be myself with, someone whose work I greatly respect, someone who can promise me forever... and actually make it come true...

I've been told to try to forget her. At the very least, she no longer thinks of me... So why should I spend all the time in the world being concerned for her, thinking of her welfare, when I am now nothing to her? Why should I take so much effort to ensure that she's comfortable and happy, when she couldn't care less about the same thing for me? Why should I care if her friends are being too hard on her, or if her friends are there for her, when she can't even give me the same thing?

Why should I care if she wants to stay friends with me, when it doesn't really seem to matter for her anymore? When she shies away from contact, when she cuts off conversation midway, when she doesn't respond to anything?

I can only say that its because I love her.

And she doesn't love me.

And because I love her and she doesn't love me, then I should just do the right thing. I should let her go. Let her be free. Let her do what she wants to do. Let her fly out and soar and go where she wants to be.

Let her realize her dreams on her own. Let her live her life the way SHE wants to do it.

And I, I should just pray for her. I should pray for myself. I should pray that I be able to get past through this hardship, and to bless her all her days, the way I prayed for her before. I should pray for the best for her, and the best for myself. I should learn to love myself again, in order to find myself. I should learn to rebuild my own dignity. There is no point in showing myself to be this pathetic in front of her. In the end, if I keep doing this to myself, its just going to be like Lassie and Janneth all over again. I'm just going to end up being a joke, like a fool.

There is no more point in forcing myself into her life. She threw me out on her own, for some reason. There is no point in forcing yourself onto someone that doesn't like you.

I've been thinking, what went wrong in our relationship, and I still can't say to this day. She says that she finally realized that she didn't love me anymore. That she's just been forcing herself to love me all this time.

I don't think that's true. I've been with my Angel for so long that I know she's not faking her emotions for the past 6 years. At the very least, I know that the first 5 years were true feelings, that she loved me. The past few months before we broke up, she still loved me. And if there's any culprit, its going to be her work stress.

Stress so bad that and so hard, that its all she ever thinks about. Stress so bad she thinks that the only people who can understand her are her friends. Stress so bad and compounded by my insecurity and persistence that she gets so annoyed at me, and finally releases over six years of frustrations, and thinks that she doesn't love me.

And now that she's rid of me, she feels... happy. Like she's been freed of a huge burden. Like I was a huge burden in her life that's been preventing her from... being happy I guess.

I don't know.

I think that the first step to winning her back is to let her realize that I'm willing to change if I'm the problem. That the problem is not with us, but is actually caused by her work stress. That I can adjust to let her feel less suffocated. That I can do everything, but only if she gives me the chance.

But if she doesn't give me the chance, then I can do nothing until she allows that.

I can only pray to God that He takes care of everything when my Angel and I meet. Its such a shame that our relationship crumbled like this. When we could have made it last as long as our lifetime.

The only thing I can do now is dream. Dream about what could have been with my Angel and I. Dream about what used to be. And cry, when I realize that its no longer true now. Perhaps I should patiently wait, until she comes back. But that's hoping too much.

I thought of talking to some of her friends. To her current best friend to see how she's doing. To see if she's been fine, or if she's been talking about me, thinking about me, missing me, regretting anything about me. But I've been convinced to stop this foolish idea -- that friend is not MY friend. She is her friend, meaning she will protect my Angel according to what she thinks is the best for my Angel. If she doesn't think that getting back together is the best, then too bad for me, I'll just have wasted my time.

Its been over a month now, and there's been no improvement on her side. She's still happy being single. She doesn't miss me in the slightest.

So...

So that's all. I can only Love and Pray. Love her, love myself, and Pray for the best. And Dream. Dream for what was, dream what is, and dream what could have been.

I've been spending more and more time in the office these days because I don't want to go home. Earlier this year, I was just spending more time in the office because I would fall asleep here, and just make sure that I went home early enough. That's no longer the case. I don't want to go home because I don't want to have too much idle time. The more idle time I have, the more I think of my Angel, and really, that's something I don't want to happen.

I read through the earlier entries in this book, and I was pretty much laughing at myself. I'm looking back and seeing just how petty my concerns were when I was still in college. Of course as years went on, my problems became more and more serious, that's expected. But still, that I was thinking of such trivial things when I was still in college just shows how young I was back then.

I also realized just how... shallow... losing my Angel was. Don't get me wrong, I'm not disregarding a 6-year relationship as something shallow. I'm just saying that I went through similar things before, when I was still in college. It sort of puts things into perspective. I still want to patch things up, but then, I think its best to let God help me out along the way.

I'm thinking, that the tantrum I'm throwing when she refuses to answer simple questions, are the same kinds of tantrums that I had when my old college friends didn't keep me in the loop. Sure it hurts, sure its annoying, but in the end, I can just get mad at things I have no control over. No amount of cajoling, or getting mad will resolve that kind of problem. Best to just take it like a man.

So now, I just spend most of my free time in the office, doing some after-shift work to keep myself busy. Or on the weekends, just sleep some more.

I really really want to say that I love my Angel. Because its true. But its only one-sided now. You can't repair a relationship alone. If she doesn't want to do anything, then you're stuck on your end doing nothing.

I'm now turning into Jamie when she lost Elbert. I need to move on.

I changed the layout for my book. That way, the layout will be less erratic. Unfortunately, it also means that I lost the old red and orange flame theme that I had here.

At least everything looks more organized. I don't intend to use the "followers" tab though, so I have to think of another way to remove that.

I lost my Angel.

At the end of 6 years, I don't know what happened. I just lost my Angel.

We were talking about so many things, we still greeted each other on our anniversary, we were planning so many things... and then it happened.

She just told me that she doesn't love me anymore. She says she just realized that "she's been fooling herself into thinking that she loved me, but that it wasn't true", so she doesn't love me anymore. Things just happened.

I couldn't accept it. I really couldn't. Because I can't understand -- how can someone that you love for so many years, just suddenly up and tell you that they don't love you anymore? Its so sudden! We didn't fight, we didn't argue. I made sure that whatever she did, I appreciated, or if she made me mad, I forgave her.

And then this happened.

I still find it completely incomprehensible. Even writing about it is impossible -- it all feels like a dream to me, despite the fact that I've been living this for the past month.

I. LOST. MY. ANGEL.

Even writing like that doesn't give me any kind of closure.

In fact, no matter what I do, I can't get my mind to wrap around that concept.

Its gotten so much that I've lost my appetite. I've lost my smile. I've lost all semblance of a happy life. Sure, I can laugh at things, at funny things, but always, at the back of my mind -- I'm thinking, I can't share this with my Angel anymore.

I've gotten some advice on this of course. Ironically, its the same advice I've given other people -- "Forget her", "Keep on living", "Stay Strong".

And of course, its just as difficult for me, as it was for all my other friends. Its nearly impossible for me to "forget her", and I'm doing all I can to "Stay strong". Six years of my adult life was wrapped around her. Six years of my adult life was spent making sure that everything for her was perfect.

Six years of my life I made to revolve around her.

Its not that easy to forget someone who was the center of your life for that long. My dad died last year, and there is not a single day that I do not mourn for him. That's 27 years of my life, 37 and 36 for my brothers, and probably around 39 for my mother. Time has made the loss a little bit more bearable, but it hurts nonetheless.

Thankfully, the people around me are aware of how difficult it is to lose a loved one. A lot of them have handled break ups enough times to provide advice, so none of them take what I'm going through lightly. They remind me "Its not easy. So you have to keep on going. Time will provide the final chapter, and its best not to have too much hope. Just keep praying. Just keep going. Just try to forget her."

And that's all I can do right now. Pray, and keep on going. Because I really don't know what else to do...

This is the biggest loss I've ever suffered. And for the first time, I don't know how to get back up from here.

I'm such a mess that even this entry is entirely messed up. It makes absolutely no sense, because I can't make heads or tails about my current situation. And I sound like I'm just repeating myself.

I should... think of something else first...

I thought of moving to another job. A higher-paying job than my current one. Something.. riskier on my part, since I'm not sure if I'm cut out for that job. And its apparently quite high-paying.

I'm not going out of the country. Yet. I'm thinking of moving to real estate. Selling houses or condos for people who can afford them. Pretty high-risk, and pretty high-reward I think. I'm just worried that I'll be late in paying for my loans and such.

I'll get more money, and hopefully, I'll be able to win back my Angel...

Or something like that. Assuming she wants to be won back by me.

Sigh...

I'm surprised that I'm not used to writing something without a title.

Unusual, since for the greater part of writing my writing, I haven't used any titles. I didn't need any titles years ago, all I needed was the date and time to remind me what I was thinking about. I must have thought that titles would just mess up my thought process, or otherwise ruin the "order" that I placed in my book.

Perhaps a year of serving as documentation specialist has placed a much more rigid order structure into my head. I actually felt that not having the title was very unusual for me. Unfortunately, serving as documentation specialist actually made my writing skills deteriorate.

At least, that's what I think. Since I can barely make any kind of creative writing going on in this thing. Its like I forgot how to write creatively, or that my creativity has leaked out from my body.

It's amazing. I didn't realize just how much I "missed" writing all these years. And every single time I look at an old entry, I'm surprised at it. Its like someone else came in and wrote all this stuff for me. That's what I feel every time I revisit an old document. Its like for some reason, I can't identify with the previous person who hunkered down in front of the keyboard to work.

I guess the stupid Britney songs blaring in the background aren't exactly helping me at all.. I'm distracted by the "remix" beat since it is making the song unidentifiable for me. Not to mention I feel like I'm in a techno club or something, and I may need a drink. Really, not conducive to writing.

On the other hand, if I place Gunther in the background, I'm worried what kind of stories I'll write in here. I find that for some reason, Gunther music in the background makes me more productive.

But really, the main reason I started writing is that I'm starting to feel a little sad again.

I.. am sad. In case that didn't sink in earlier. I'm sad. Maybe saying it out loud 4 or 5 times will help it sink in. I'm sad. I'm sad. I'm sad. I'm sad. I'm sad.

I'm sad because I'm being left behind again.

I'm sad because I need to pay off a lot of crap and I don't have enough money.

I'm sad because almost all my old classmates are doing well for themselves.

I'm sad because I can't do much for my family.

I'm sad because I can't get laid.

So yeah. I'm sad. I'm a sad little person with pathetic concerns. I should rise above these petty desires and aim for a worthwhile existence.

In other words, I should forget about money and focus on what's important.

Like, oh I don't know -- Food. Electricity. Communication. Water. Health. Family. Clothes, maybe. Love, probably.

Yeah, I should focus on what's essential, on what are the important things in the world. I need to figure out where we can get Electricity and Water. I need to make sure that my aging mother is healthy. I need to make sure that my family is healthy. I need to bring food to the table. I may need to look more presentable. I'll probably need to start saving up for my wife and eventual marriage and other expenses. Housing, etc.

Yeah. I should focus on those things and forget about money.

Who am I kidding?

I'm fricking sad because I have no frickin' money and have so many things to pay for. I'm frickin' sad because my friend is leaving for the other department, and I'm stuck here doing crap work again.

I'm freakin' sad because I'm the only one left in this position that has not been promoted. "Almost" doesn't count since... I'm still here, and everyone else is gone.

Honestly, documentations specialist is something special for the account. It helps keep things very organized. I get a lot of things as I work in this capacity. I should feel happy that I'm in this position!

Except its difficult to feel happy when I see that everyone else who has been in this position has been moved to other departments to perform much better. They've been promoted in other words. Including my junior member.

I've been offered a promotion over a month ago -- to a post where I will be earning significantly less. I turned it down, because I had things to pay.

A month later, I find out that my partner was accepted into the other department. I'm happy for her. It means she's progressing. I'm sad because I'm losing an effective co-worker, and will have to work from scratch training another individual all the while cursing myself why I never learned how to program properly.

So as you can see, I have a pathetic problem.

My wife will never blame me the way I blame myself. In fact, I should learn how to accept that I will probably not be credited for any kind of programming work. I should also probably take out all ideas of being promoted for programming work and focus on administrative tasks.

Should. I'm not sure if I can though. Nor if I SHOULD forget it all.

I don't want to dwell on this too much, because I will remember how my uncles and aunts want me to move to another kind of job. I don't want to remember how I get lectured every reunion that I should move to a better paying job, or move out of the country, or do this and that. I don't want to remember all those because they're all RIGHT.

And I don't want to remember how I was an idiot in school and probably didn't learn a thing about programming.

So you can see what I'm sad about. I'm sad because I can't earn enough money because I was stupid enough to be stupid in college.

I should probably take some offline lessons for programming instead of wasting my time writing crap like this down... But sometimes...


Writing like this calms me down somewhat. And helps me move on.

So Gx! Congratulations! May you have more success in your next work!

So what else should be included in this new leaf? Aside from the fact that I know I'm not going to be updating this book any more frequent than I have over the past few years... All that's been occupying my brain right now is the power of faith.

Faith... Its so strange that since I played a cleric character in DnD, I've never played any other class. Well, let's see... The classes I've played are the monk, the paladin, and the cleric. I've played samurai, but only because I've been averse from playing shugenja, who I thought were nothing more than spell-slinging characters -- something that I've never been comfortable playing because it wasn't my style. These days, I want to try out a shugenja. And for that matter, almost every character class that has some sort of connection to the divine. I can't explain why, but maybe its because I want to explore the meaning of faith.

They say faith can feed a man. In a sense, its true. But the person does not gain physical sustenance from faith, rather, he gains a more spiritual type of satisfaction from it. He can still feel his stomach calling out to him, asking him to fill up that empty sack of acid to get some nourishment to keep the body functioning, but with a little faith, that person can ignore that call, and know that he can still accomplish something important.

As I said, I know, because I'm slowly getting reacquainted with my faith.

If this were a game, there should be a new set of attributes at the top of my character sheet called spirit, and there you'd find faith, willpower, and something... I don't think I understand that third one yet...

And what does faith do? It keeps you calm enough to continue functioning, long enough that you would not lash out at the world for things that are happening to you but are "not your fault".

Yes, there are irrational things that happen in the world. There are injustices, there are all sorts of things that you would rather not imagine, much less experience first hand. But if you have faith, you know that these things happen for a reason. The reason may be beyond your understanding, but you know that things will also turn out for the better... You know that you can leave your worries behind you and push on, confident that things may not work out the way you want them to, but still, they'd work out ok in the end.

Does this mean that we should all just give up and wait for things to happen? Not at all. We should still do our best, make sure that we give it our all, but when we find that we have nothing more to give, and that there's nothing more we can affect, then we should learn to have faith, that even though human strength has a limit, supernatural strength pushes on...

At least, that's what I've learned in the past few years.

Pain comes, and is replaced by joy. Then pain comes again...

But it never ends with pain. Joy always comes in... Its just a matter of carrying on, of pushing onwards until that time comes...

That was so abstract...

A lot can happen in the course of 3 weeks... Apparently, I had last wrote something 3 weeks ago, and back then, I was still "happy" to say the least...

3 weeks later... Now...

Its so strange, a lot has happened... I've seen the problems in my life, my family, the past has caught up to us... And I can see my plans for the future suddenly turning hazy and unclear. As if there were no certainty that I'll be able to do what I intend to do.

I've managed to get through most of the pains by now... I've learned the meaning of faith after years of agnosticism. I guess its great that despite the fact that I've been agnostic for as long as I can remember, I've never forgotten how to call on God. I guess it was never really important to me that I didn't know who I was calling to. It was never important to me that there were schisms between worldwide religions. In a sense, everyone knows who God is. The face and the words that they attribute to Him are the only ones that change.

And because I've called on God, I've managed to find my faith again. I can now see the importance of faith in people's lives. Perhaps not yet completely, but I can appreciate it now. And I can now ask people to have faith as well.

I'm gushing right now about faith and God. Perhaps its only rightfully so, because I called on God's help to get us through several problems... Financial problems mostly. I'm glad that the weight has been taken off my shoulders... Unfortunately, they've been passed to someone else who might not be able to take the burden...

Then there's the fact that I'm now officially a bum again... Because Canon didn't like my work with them. In a sense, I think that all of my officemates are right, it might have been a blessing in disguise that I got booted out of the company. I've mentioned before to Santino that if God wants me out of the company, he can make his signs more... obvious.

Well, I don't think it gets any more obvious than getting fired. Hehe.

So now, I have the time to make some small updates again. I don't think I'll be doing a lot of those endless monologues that filled this book up before... I've realized just how shallow those previous problems were... And how detrimental their effects have on me.

I guess, I'll be filling up this book this time with more, optimistic writings. I don't know how exactly, but I think the clouds have parted from my mind... And despite the fact that I still have problems, I can now look at life in a new light.

Its been so long since I opened up this way. I miss writing. I feel like something important's coming back to me because of this. And in the same way, I feel like something new's come over me. As if the bitter person that dominated most of this book has turned over a new leaf...

Just like this new page in the book.

I've been thinking of changing the name of the book. But I think I'll keep the name... It should stay there to remind myself how I used to be so bitter, but now, something's changed...

I tried clicking on the "Recover Post" button, and what do I get? Obviously, nothing. Hehe. It was pretty amusing though, that blogger actually informs the user of what it is about to perform. Something that I might appreciate.

Anyway, I noticed that its been so damn long that I've actually updated any of my two books... Not really too much of a problem, because if I think about it, there's actually been nothing in my life to talk about. Heck, since I finished college, pretty much nothing's left to talk about (except of course for my wife...)

Hey, think about it, back when I still wrote regularly, it was mostly to rant and rave about the same things, over and over and over again... I'll admit to myself, sometimes, they make for great pity material, but not enough for any decent reading material...

I'll be back soon...

Nothing really... Just nothing.

That's what I'm feeling mostly right now. I'm not feeling particularly cheerful or anything (perhaps that will change later today), just a great feeling of nothingness. As if I amount to nothing more than nothing.

That sounds really disappointing, I know. Its just that, after getting friggin' rejected from P&G, the only company I was really serious in applying for, I feel like I just got shot down hard. As if I really am good for nothing. And all the time I spent in college goofing off has finally paid off: I really am good for nothing.

Don't get me wrong. I don't intend to wallow in self-pity for long. But I just want to let go of this feeling of uselessness before I go on with my day. I know that it would seriously wreck my day if I keep this bottled up inside for too long, and would further strain strenuous relations with my parents, not to mention sour conversations with my angel. I'd rather she see this later rather than today, so that I'd forget the entire thing, and not wallow in self-doubt anymore. Besides, that's the reason this book is made private: so that no one can see when the Fool falls into the mud, face-first.

What I'd really like to know right now is why I was rejected from P&G. I'm not really sure why, but I think it's because my resume is not impressive (read: lack of any good activities, nor leadership abilities) nor did they like my answers to their supplementary answer sheet, but I really think that it was more of the former rather than the latter.

I've always thought that my resume was decent. Now I know that I'll have to edit the damned thing again, because it looks like a generic loser's resume. Very, very disappointing. Really, there's nothing in the damned thing that says "I'm a successful person, HIRE ME!", all it says is "er, hi." and that's not a very powerful image in the corporate world.

I guess it just shows me how difficult I have to work to pay off all my bloody debts of gratitude. How further off I would be able to return all the favors I asked just to finish my college life. It means that my days of freedom from everyone else will be farther away than I initially thought...

My wish was to get into P&G, get promoted and get a really, really high salary, so I can pay off the monetary debt that my aunts and uncles paid so that I can finish (squander) college, then start saving up enough for my future, and enjoy the rest of my life... Well, I guess I'll have to start back at square 1.

You know, sometimes, I wonder to myself if its really healthy to write these things in network cafes, when there are a lot of people at your back just looking at what other people are playing, and then they notice this one particular geek in the middle of the row, just typing away at a white screen without a care in the world. I mean, if you're typing it in such a public place, then that means its probably supposed to be read, right?

Anyway, going back... I feel so bad that I've been a huge parasite for most of my college life... Relying too much on friends, relatives, and other random people just so I can go through everything... Its just so sad...

Sigh...

I really, really wish I can think of a way to pay off everything that my family owes... I guess, that's one of the most defining things in my life right now...

Sigh...

At least I'm feeling a little better about myself after letting all of that out. All I have to think of now is how to top my licensure exams... I have this huge chip on my shoulder that's telling me to beat that guy who topped it last April. What I haven't told anyone yet is that I know that guy: he's the person that started all that high school nonsense that fractured our class. He's the guy who made Abi cry and formed the Mars vs. BTB argument way back in high school.

But I don't begrudge him that. In fact, I don't care about the schism between those people and us. I've always hated their guts, a bunch of freaking drones with barely an original idea, and a love-our-own attitude. It just made me sick back then, how they could be freakin' called smart when all they did was press our teacher's buttons in the correct pattern. With nothing creative coming from their small skulls, even from their own "leader" who seemed to be "the most creative girl in all existence" at that time... Please, there was nothing creative in her, and I could smell the envy she had for other people a mile away...

I digress.

The reason I hate Elvin Ivan Uy that much is because he became some form of ECE god in La Salle, while I became... nothing. His state just screams "rival" into my face. Someone who finished engineering, someone who studied in the rival school, someone who I hated back in high school... And when I see his face in every single poster in my review school toting their product...

I just want to throw up...

Unfortunately for me... I'm nowhere near his level yet. I have yet to succesfully pass an exam in my review school. I have yet to memorize anything in his level...

I'm just so far away from my dreams that I want to curl up and wish everything away... If I didn't have any responsibilities at all.

But I do. I have to clean up my family's mess before I can enjoy myself. And that's why even though I know I'm fighting a losing battle, I can't give up.

Sigh... I've lived too much in a sheltered, idealized world where I'm right, and everyone else is wrong.

Sometimes, I think of things that are better off being written here, than in my journal. The main reason is because I don't want many people to know about what I think. There's also the fact that sometimes, I just write down personal stuff.

Like today for instance. I was really glad to have finished review class early (around 1130 to be sure). That way, I could go over to my Angel's school and have lunch and enjoy some quality time with her.

However, after lunch, I was anxious to leave Jollibee because I was worried that a lot of people would see us (we were sitting just beside the window) and ask us a lot of questions. I suggested that we leave the place and go back to school, at least she wouldn't be late, nor would there be many questions by adults asking about us.

Imagine my surprise when, as we were getting all cuddly just outside her building when this stupid security guard from who knows what place started to butt into our business. See, I know that we're cuddly, but damn, I do know what "enough" means. I know that there are some things that are simply unacceptable, and I know that hugging her very affectionately isn't part of "unacceptable". In fact, where we both came from, no stupid security guard would break up a couple that hugged like we did. Not to mention that there are a lot more couples who do even more public displays of affection than we did.

So what's really my point?

Fuck that stupid fucking security guard. He's fucking way over the line...

That's really the only reason I'm writing here right now. I thought that writing too much private stuff in this thing would only drive me deeper in depression, so I try to write more stuff in the journal to counteract that. I'm succeeding as far as I know (thanks in no small part again to my Angel), and I'm already going back to being the happy-go-lucky guy that I used to be.

But I'm still pissed-off by that guard. Damn him...


You are the 'regular' teen. Don't worry, alot of
people will get this result. However, you set
pretty high/low goals for yourself...and you
believe you are the only one in the world.
But, there are alot of people with your
attitude. You tend to wear regular clothing,
or you are forced to wear colors you don't want
to. (such as your mother always buying you
pink / blue clothing) Sometimes you feel
horribly lonely and want to hide, but as
always, you find something to give you reason
to continue. You can either hate or love
school, one opinion please. Never fear, you
are not one of a kind...and that is kinda nice
to hear, since there are other teenagers out
there with your exact view on life.

You
could get a job as an author, Teacher, editor,
architect, buisness owner, or administrator.
Good luck in life, and don't forget that no one
is ever alone.


What type of teenager are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Damn, this result is just too... plain.... Damn.

Feeling really, really good these days, but not for a lack of troubles. Last year, I would always write here whenever I really felt bad, or whenI felt incredibly good, or when I felt really, really bored. I always felt bad whenever I had a lot of things to do, or when I people took me for granted, and other shit like that. But these days, it would probably take a lot just to make me depressed -- its a definite improvement from before.

Anyway, I thought like writing anything that comes to mind today. Which means that the first topic in my mind would be DotA -- short for Defense of the Ancients, a custom map for Warcraft III that pits (as of current count) 30 heroes on opposite sides against each other. This doesn't require a lot of strategy for the player, because the player doesn't need to create his base or anything. All a player has to do is to raze the opposing team's base. How he does that is entirely up to him.

I was watching Terence and Aaron go one-on-one a few minutes ago, pitting Bredwarden the Centaur Warchief against Medusa the Gorgon. Normally, I would have to say that Medusa (Terence in this game) should have quit and made a second one, since normally, there was nothing that Medusa could do to damage the centaur. It turns out that Cholo taught Terence some fine strategy against the centaur -- slow him until the centaur's life dwindled to nothing. The effectiveness of the strategy has just started to become clean for me right now. As I saw myself being trapped in that situation. Even if the Centaur had a ton of life, there was little it could do against an enemy it couldn't hit, added to the fact that there were a ton of other units attacking it all at the same time.

Terence lost eventually though. Because Aaron simply pumped the centaur's armor, almost eliminating every shot that came from the gorgon. But the fight was good, Terence actually killing the centaur a few times.

I should have written that in the other journal, seeing as how it had absolutely nothing to do with my life at all. But who cares, I'll write anything I want here. After all, this is supposed to be the private area. Who'll tell me what to write and not to write here, right?

Well anyway, I can see that my writing is suffering from a ton of run-on sentences, off-tangent comments, and this nagging feeling that's asking me to put "hehe" after almost all my sentences. Don't get me wrong though, I just want this thing to look a little bit formal. I almost always add "hehe" on other writings -- letters, notes, etc. But I want this thing to look a little bit more formal. After all, it might bring me a lot of money when someone finds this out and decides to turn it into a movie, or some bestselling novel.

Of course, I could always dream on...

The next thing on my mind has got to be my thesis. I really regret the day that I thought of writing down my name in that ridiculous satellite topic. I mean, I really like the satellite communicatons topic, its pretty interesting really, but I should have known that nothing good would have come out of it, knowing that the adviser handling that topic is Dr. Reyes. I don't know, maybe she really is just too busy to handle a thesis group, or maybe she's just overexpecting, but I really don't like the way that she's handling our group. Because it took us a long time to come up with a decent topic to replace the non-existent satellite program (the damned satellite antenna data-gathering equipment was broken therefore, it was unworkable.) which in itself was pretty damned difficult -- a microphone that stores presentation files to be connected to a simple television unit, its an add-on to an already existing product: the microphone is a machine that when hooked up to a TV would play videoke files, we were just thinking of adding something else to offer it to other people. The company who produced the microphone didn't want anything to do with our thesis though, so there goes that idea. I couldn't think of any other idea though, so our adviser asked us to come up with a machine that could be hooked up to a TV and still play powerpoint presentations; create a small computer that would do nothing else except play presentations -- a stupid idea, I know, but our adviser insisted on it. It was promptly shut down by the other advisers.

So I was all ready to move into another topic, maybe something that had to do with wireless fidelity connections, since I've been spending a lot of time in the other thesis rooms, and this sounded like the easiest and the one that gave the most fun. But our adviser refused to let us transfer, and offered a robotics project to us. While I'm interested in robotics, I suck at the basic fields required under that topic: electronics, mechanics, and programming. I don't know what to do, neither do I know how to proceed.

To top it all off, I got paired up with the one student in school that I know is lazier than I am: Nap. Crap, I'm starting to think all the jests made by my batchmates might actually come true: I might not graduate on time. Damn this. Stupid adviser, stupid thesismate, stupid thesis topic even.

Oh yeah, my thesis? I'm supposed to make an enclosure for this robotic arm and provide games that woud utilize the robotic arm. I'm not going to make the arm because the arm is already available. I just need to do the enclosure, the games, and the power supply that would power the arm. And since the damned thing is too easy, they gave us another project: create a hopscotch robot/game whatever. I'm supposed to make a hopscotch field whose squares would light up, depending on the next square you're supposed to step on. I mean, the next square you're supposed to jump on would light up, and if you dont' step on it in time, then you lose the game. The other advisers all looked at me funny, and asked "What makes it thesis-material?"

I am really starting to panic right now.

Sigh. Anyway, I think that would be it for this session. I'm starting to get my touch back, but the writing style has changed again. I've mentioned this before, my writing style always changes without my knowing. I still haven't read what I wrote down before, so I still dont' know what feelng I'll get after reading my recent articles (I'm guessing I'll be disgusted with the quality of my writing), but I'm betting I'll be surprised to find out that I was the one writing all these things.

Writing is starting to feel very strange for me. I feel like I'm no longer used to writing about anything at all. Its like I have this huge block in my brain that's not stopping ideas from coming out, but rather stopping words from flowing, or preventing ideas from merging with each other.

It isn't really a problem, more like an annoyance, because I know that writing is one of my pastimes and stress relievers, and I can't do it anymore. I'm thinking, maybe its because I completely stopped writing for well over a year. All so I can spend some more time with Lassie, or thinking about Lassie, heck, so I can think why I needed Lassie in my life or some ridiculous thing like that.

Bad move on my part, because it just made me feel even closer to her.

But that's all water under the bridge now. I've moved on to better things in life, and I'm glad I finally found someone that's worth spending time on. I mean, really spending time and effort, and emotions, and feelings, and sharing thoughts with, and all those things.

In short, I've found someone worthwhile to love.

Enter Jennifer Angela Almelor. Honestly, she's not one of those people that knocks you off your feet the first time you meet her. Neither will the next time you see her (she's stunning once she takes time to put on make-up and dress up though), but once you find a way to talk to her... Whoa.

You'd think she's shy. You'd think she's a loner type, or even a weak personality because she's always around with Jolyn. But that's what people always see. The real part of her is when she's alone. THAT will blow you away, assuming you can talk to her at that time though. I guess, I still fall for girls that look snobbish. Actually, in a sense, Jenny, or Angel as I prefer to call her, is a snob too. But that won't show because of her extreme shyness, and eagerness to please. She's got good control of her emotions, and more likely to tell you that she's at fault, than risk wounding your emotions. She's not one to notice people easily though, preferring her own company than looking for others.

Not that she's unfriendly. Actually, she's very friendly, but the point is, you have to go through that shell of hers.

But that's not the point here. What I really want to say is, I'm glad I found her. Or rather, I'm glad I got to know her very, very well.

Because I found someone I'd want to spend my life with. Someone worth spending my entire life with... She's my Significant Other. And I wouldn't want anyone else to hold that title.